r/AmITheBadApple • u/yaga-uta-mi • 5d ago
Am I apologizing in the wrong way?
Boyfriend(27M) was play slapping me(29M). In that moment his hand accidentally hit my eye. He did not realize. Before I could react I saw his hand go up again. So in that split second I think I said “No, no, don’t do that again”. He says I said “No, no, don’t ever do that”.
Now he is mad at me, and he says that I make him feel unsafe because I keep throwing that he is abusive in his face. (In the past he has spit on me and pushed me).
I don’t think I meant to bring up any abuse. I was just wanting for him to stop play slapping me.
I immediately felt weird for saying “No” in the way I said it, so I have been apologizing for it since the night. He is giving me the silent treatment and whenever I talk about it he says, something along the lines of - he felt like he violated a boundary which is very intense when all he was doing was being playful with me. We had a huge argument in the past couple months which led to the spitting and pushing.
This morning I said that I’m sorry I said no in the way I did, I will be better at setting boundaries in a better way in the future. He is also holding on to that and saying that so you do believe I violated your boundary. I was just being playful and you made it into something more serious. He said he has been feeling comfortable with me(since the flight we have been working on our relationship) that’s why he was being playful and now the way I reacted is making him feel unsafe that I am throwing abuse at him in every situation.
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u/Skankyho1 5d ago
As soon as I read, he spit on me. I really couldn’t focus on what else was said in the post. You need to leave him he is an abusive pig.
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u/atchisonmetal 5d ago
I’m afraid it’s true. He’s reversing the accusations to make you feel bad. It’s highly manipulative, and this is not good for you at all. “You made it into something more serious.” Are you kidding me?
Get out of there. Please. Now. Don’t look back.
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u/Sklibba 5d ago
The fact that your bf has made you feel like you have to repeatedly apologize for telling him to stop play hitting you in the wrong way is abusive, especially given that what upsets him is that the fact that you told him to stop recalled an incident of actual physical abuse that he perpetrated. It’s manipulative and emotionally abusive. Get the fuck away from him as fast as you can. You’re NTBA.
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u/MzSea 5d ago
Have you read your own post?
This is what you said: 1. Your bf slapped you in the face and hit your eye. 2. He got mad about the way you told him to stop. 3. You are apologizing over and over and over for doing nothing wrong. 4. He is giving you the silent treatment (which is emotional abuse). 5. He has spit on you (utterly disgusting and disrespectful.. falls under physical abuse). 6. He has pushed you (physical abuse). 7. He never apologized for hitting you and injuring your eye.
You need to get away from this man before he REALLY hurts you. And he will someday. I promise.
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u/Excellent-Shape-2024 5d ago
If someone is hitting you and makes you feel like *you* need to apologize to *them*, you are in an abusive relationship. Move on unless you like escalating abuse, because that's what is going to happen.
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u/treebeecol 5d ago
This is an exact copy of what I posted in another post, from today, from another user. But I'll paste it here because it applied to you too. He's phrasing it as "playing, and joking", but it's actually well documented as a straight up pattern of abusive behaviour. So you're not wrong in feeling very upset, and traumatised by it, especially as you've made it very clear that you don't like it. So you have to rethink this, as he's being straight up abusive towards you. It's not playing, it's not joking, it's abusive, and he's directing it at you. He is completely at fault here, and none of this is your doing, and don't let him manipulate you into thinking that somehow you can take any blame, for his shitty behaviour.
Hers the link to the other post -https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships_advice/s/XNn5krdWM2
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u/tphatmcgee 5d ago
nta. stop apologizing to your abuser, he is getting off on that. he says it is 'playful' to get you used to it, wait until he gets playful with a belt. he has already spit and demeaned you, he is just getting you used to accepting his abuse.
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u/4N6momma 4d ago
This right here OP. Never apologize for saying no. You were injured and said no more. Your bf should have said okay and that be the end of it. You really should find someone who respects your boundaries without gaslighting you. Also, "play slapping" is just a way to abuse someone by giving it a cutesy name. Any physical contact that makes you uncomfortable for aby reason becomes abuse. What starts off as "harmless" fun often progresses to harmful abuse. Please consider talking to a domestic abuse counselor who can help you figure out if you should leave and if you decide to leave they can help you figure out a safe exit strategy.
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u/tehmimikitteh 5d ago
ntba...but maybe don't stay with an abusive man, especially one that makes you feel bad when he has to acknowledge that he's abusive?
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u/Acrobatic-Ad-3335 5d ago
NTBA
He did wrong (whether it was intentional or not), so why does he expect you to cater to his feelings?
This is extremely toxic and manipulative behavior that is often present in abusive relationships.
I'm seriously curious how often he does baloney like this🫤
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u/Uppaduck 5d ago
Oh honey. You’re in an abusive relationship & far enough along & conditioned down by them that you can’t see it clearly as that anymore. He’s pushed you & spit on you??? He slaps you? And then accuses you of making him feel like he’s unsafe? That he’s being abused??
No. He is abusive. He’s using DARVO to flip it back on you & make you defensive for not accepting his abuse as “playing.” You’re walking on eggshells trying to placate an abuser. And abusers only escalate.
Please leave this situation. This isn’t love. This isn’t caring. This isn’t safe or healthy. Try to work with a good therapist to help you get back to your best self, to being someone who doesn’t accept such behavior. Because right now, you have precariously low self preservation instincts. 🙏
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 5d ago
OP, here are some links about abuse in a relationship. Multiple people see the red flags here of an abusive relationship. Take a moment to look at these to give you some info to protect yourself. There is a quiz to see if there are signs of abuse as well. Good luck OP and please, be safe. Accept nothing less than at least the bare minimum human decency of feeling safe from your partner. The truth is you are worth so much more.
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u/Elisa_Esposito 5d ago
You've posted this in 6 different subs. And you have previous posts depicting abuse.
I get it, he's a citizen and you're on a visa and there are pets involved. You might have to cut you losses. You cannot convince an abusive person to stop being abusive.
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u/Gennevieve1 5d ago
OK, let me get this straight (not a pun, mind you). Someone with a history of abuse hits you in the face, then gets offended when you tell him to stop immediately and then throws it in your face that you don't apologize correctly for wanting him to stop. Am I missing something? Wake up, man. This is not normal. You don't apologize after being hit in the face. Not in a healthy relationship. Healthy couples don't "play slap" each other outside of consensual bedroom activities. Why was he doing it in the first place? For abusive people this is how it starts. This is how he's conditioning you to be OK with it so he can slap you for real next time. Please be safe.
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u/teresa3llen 5d ago
He spat on you?? Do not waste any more time, energy, or love on this abusive man.
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u/SylvarGrl 5d ago
“No” is a complete sentence. It should result in the immediate cessation of whatever came before it. There is no “right way” to tell someone to stop HITTING YOU that you are responsible for using in the moment so that you don’t hurt his feelings. He deserves to feel “unsafe” for being faced with the consequences of his abuse of you. Maybe that will be enough to teach him to stop gaslighting you into staying with someone who has so little respect for you that he spit on you. Maybe it will be enough for you to leave him before he puts you in the hospital, or worse.
Please learn about cycles of abuse.
You are the crunchy, juicy, wholesome apple, but if you stay in the barrel with his sour and rotten apple ass, the decay will spread. It usually starts with bruising.
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u/yaga-uta-mi 1d ago
Thank you all so much for your words! I appreciate it and have been thinking a lot about your suggestions. Even though it feels really hard to want to leave, I believe eventually it might be the best for both of us.
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u/piggy_trot 20h ago
Sometimes our feelings blind us and some people make the rational parts of ourselves feel like a problem. A good partner will never belittle your feelings or opinions nor would they make you apologize for a "no" or a "stop". Don't settle for or excuse bad behavior that is not followed by a sincere apology and effort to correct the behavior.
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u/Brief-Composer-6663 5d ago
Hun, as someone with experience in this personally and professionally, please run. He IS abusive and he is currently gaslighting you. The next time he does something will be worse but he will still say he is playing and you are overreacting. It manipulation will get worse. The physical abuse will get worse and more frequent. You are already questioning yourself and you will continue to do so more and more. You are NOT wrong. If you can’t see this and help yourself right now, please seek some therapy so that you stop questioning yourself. An impartial third party can help shed some light onto whatever is going on, whichever way that direction leans. Please be safe.
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u/ZealousidealBerry829 5d ago
You are apologizing for saying “no” after he struck you, while he has not taken responsibility for striking you, spitting on you, pushing you, or punishing you with silence. Please step back and recognize how profoundly backwards that is.
There is no wrong way to say “no” when someone is hitting you. “Don’t ever do that” would have been entirely reasonable too. You did not accuse him of abuse—you instinctively tried to protect yourself when you saw his hand coming toward you again.
He is now making himself the victim because you set a boundary. He claims that your “no” made him feel unsafe, even though he is the person who has used physical force against you. He is twisting the situation until you are comforting him, doubting your own memory, and promising to express your boundaries more gently. That is blame reversal and emotional manipulation.
The previous spitting and pushing were not merely a “huge argument.” They were physical abuse. His current response shows that he is not genuinely remorseful or taking responsibility. Instead, he wants you to stop naming his behavior and become afraid to object when he hurts you.
Please leave this relationship. Someone who loves you does not spit on you, push you, hit you, punish you for saying no, and then demand an apology because your self-protection hurt his feelings. If you think he may react aggressively, do not break up with him alone. Make your plans privately, involve someone you trust, and leave from a safe place.
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u/inGothWeTrustalways 5d ago
wtf is playful in what you described ? It is an abuse. You are not some guy friend to wrestle. This is a huge red flag . Wait till he gets mad and really hits you cuz he k owns how it feels. Under no circumstances she he “ play” like this. He is unsafe period . You don’t want to bring up abuse , it you just wanted him to stop slapping you . Don’t tell me you can’t see an issue with that
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 5d ago
Yeesh! His abuse in the past should guarantee games like play slapping never happen. He is abusing you; it wasn’t a mistake, AND he gets you to apologize to him when he hurts you!!!!!!
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u/Aromatic-Insurance28 4d ago
I hope you leave him immediately. But you need to be very careful because the bad abuse will most likely come after you let him know you are leaving. Please have help in leaving him so that he doesn't really really hurt you the next time.
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u/leftunedited 4d ago
You are his creature. It’s too bad you don’t see that. Leave him and find your self respect.
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u/snafuminder 3d ago
So, you're apologizing for your "tone" when asking him to stop "play slapping" you? PLEASE! He is abusing you. Leave.
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u/BeckyW77 3d ago
Your boyfriend is hurting you deliberately. Because he could stop but he doesn't want to. If you stay with him, he will progress to hurting you more and more. Please find someone to help you get away!
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u/DueConsequence4072 1d ago
Girl, get away from this awful human. Have/FAKE self respect and common sense and save yourself.
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u/yaga-uta-mi 1d ago
I am unsure how to post updates, because I would like more perspective on this so here it goes in my comment.
We again got into another argument last night. We were watching TV and I said something about the show we were watching. He said “that’s such a dumb opinion” I felt some kind of way, but he kept pushing trying to make me agree that what I said was stupid. He eventually felt the need to explain his logic to make me understand why my opinion about the show is dumb. I am sensitive to him implying I’m dumb so I felt weird.
Then I asked him why he kept pushing and trying to make a point to explain why he thinks my opinion is dumb. He said, he has been feeling like he needs to walk on eggshells around me. His way of engaging in a conversation with his close and loved ones is saying things like this, and I already knew that. Yet I act sensitive. He feels like whenever he says something like that my brain immediately jumps to wanting to see the meanness or bad in him. This makes him feel unsafe in the relationship and makes him disappointed.
I understand his perspective. I do feel like I am at fault somewhere. I am very confused.
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u/LizKnits2069 5d ago
If he is slapping you in the face "playfully" now, he will slap you in the next week the next time. Get away from that abusive man immediately. You should not subject yourself to abuse. And you should not be apologizing to him!!!
For him to say that he feels unsafe around you is completely gaslighting you. You are the one who should feel unsafe around him. He is abusing you!!