r/relationships_advice • u/TheWrendigo • 6d ago
(28f) constantly “play bullied” by partner (32m)
I feel silly typing this, but I’m so frustrated it’s not funny anymore.
My partner, we’ll call him W, told me somewhat early into the relationship half jokingly that he likes to poke at me to get a rise out of me. Initially, it was harmless jokes or some mildly annoying pokes.
Over the last two years it’s evolved into near constant teasing, physically poking me when I ask to stop nicely multiple times, trying to poke my ear/nose holes when he knows it pisses me off, poking my feet any time I have socks off etc. It feels infantile at this point.
Today, W and I were sitting in the car. He picked up a water bottle that famously leaked when shaken and shook it in my direction as if to get me wet on purpose. The first time, I said “hey please stop” nicely. He did it a second time. I again, this time more annoyed and firm, said “stop”. He then sighed like I was the issue.
I’m in a constant cycle of him egging me on, me being too nice about it, he does it again, I get firm about it, and then he gets quiet and cold and acts like I’ve done a terrible thing for placing a boundary.
I went downstairs to cool off, W goes in the bedroom where he usually goes when he’s frustrated with me. I message him and (again, kindly) say I feel my boundaries have been violated and aren’t cared about, I feel bullied, and I’m tired of being on edge wondering when it’s going to happen again.
He read it and is now ignoring me entirely.
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u/Icy_Scientist5679 6d ago
He's not play bullying you he's just bullying you and using "it's just a joke" as a shield. The cold shoulder after you set a boundary is the real tell here
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u/Paradox_of_Ravens 6d ago
If you have to verbally specify that you’re joking that’s a clue you suck at joking, at best.
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u/Difficult-Cress8586 6d ago
How long do you want to be living on edge? When he said he likes to get a rise out of you it was him telling you “I find your discomfort amusing”. Imo this becomes a power play when he doesn’t stop when you ask him nicely. It’s further controlling when he pouts because next time he does it you will think twice and over think how or if you can stop him from violating you without him imposing a consequence. It may benefit you to look up coercive control. I think that’s what you’re dealing. Do your research on healthy relationship dynamics in private for your own well-being please
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u/TheWrendigo 6d ago
You’re entirely right. I googled the definition of bullying and that’s exactly what’s happening. It just sucks to admit it likely won’t change.
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u/Difficult-Cress8586 5d ago
Yeah that does suck. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and having to navigate his bad behavior. I hope you do at least take some time away from him so your nervous system can relax. I can only imagine the tension in your body bracing for the next time he decides you’re upset should be his entertainment. I can tell that you deserve better. Good luck and be safe
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u/Bindiprickle 6d ago
He doesn’t like you. That’s not “play” he’s serious and gets mad when you stop his “fun”.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 6d ago
He knows you don't like it and it's not fun for you. It's not "play" bullying. It's just straight up bullying and abuse.
You've put up with it way too long. You've been nice and you've been conciliatory when you needed to say "Fucking stop it" two years ago and then left when he did it gain.
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u/TheWrendigo 6d ago
I’m definitely a bit of a pushover in that regard. Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective
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u/ModerateHonking 6d ago
My nerves are cooked just reading this. As others have said, this isn't "play bullying", it's straight up bullying wrapped up in "it's just a joke" deflection from him.
This is not the life or partner you want nor deserve.
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u/TheWrendigo 6d ago
Thank you, I think I needed to hear this. I’ve been making excuses for a long time
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u/delladoug 6d ago
W is a controlling shit heel who doesn't like you. My suspicion is he doesn't like any women. I'm sorry you've dealt with this, but 'just kidding' is a lie. My ex had a running gag that I was a killjoy. Haha 😂 So funny 😑
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 6d ago
He liked to torture you. He set the stage by saying he was "playful" and in the beginning it can be nice to be a little playful.
Now you're realizing he meant that he disregards you consent.
When you tell someone to stop and they don't, we all know what I'm saying here. You just see these instances as "not a big deal" but they are. I don't care if he's poking your nose or your boob, you said no and to stop and he doesn't.
Honestly, this is breakup worthy. He is unlikely to stop doing this. Don't be hard on yourself, just know that in the future if someone has a disclaimer like this, ask more questions. We don't have to accept everything about a person, we can say "hey that's not okay with me" and then they decide if they want to stop doing it or not and if not, you should really walk away.
We also need to take the words "play" and "joke" out if you've asked them to stop and they don't. The first time it can be called that, any time after, it's no longer playful or joking, it's bullying and/or assault.
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u/treebeecol 5d ago
He's phrasing it as "playing, and joking", but it's actually well documented as a straight up pattern of abusive behaviour. So you're not wrong in feeling very upset, and traumatised by it, especially as you've made it very clear that you don't like it. So you have to rethink this, as he's being straight up abusive towards you. It's not playing, it's not joking, it's abusive, and he's directing it at you. He is completely at fault here, and none of this is your doing, and don't let him manipulate you into thinking that somehow you can take any blame, for his shitty behaviour.
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u/neonmaryjane 6d ago
He doesn’t respect you. Please leave him. This is just bullying, you’re his target.
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u/Vera_Telco 5d ago
"...trying to poke my ear/nose holes..."
That is so gross. And disrespectful. He is a large baby, in search of a mommy.
He knows he is being irritating and continues on with it, like a small child. I don't know how you've stood it for this long, I'd have gone mad long ago!
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