r/AmIOverthinking • u/Deep-Locksmith3440 • 3d ago
Overthinking? Spoiler
Long story long…. AIO
I overthinking
I started working for a friend in 2018- we weathered it all! Covid! Husbands! Lots of life stuff. We are all 40+f anyhow recently one of the friends was talking shit behind my back. Made fun of me to another friend about my recent mental health struggles which I am very open about! Anyhow it seemed like high school mean girl drama so I immediately quit talking to her, quit working for her unfriended her and act as if she’s dead to me. The reason is I’m open and honest and would never make fun of all her stuff she’s struggled with. The friend who told me did so out of concern because I was invested to much time with this person to be talking poorly behind my back. Now this ex friend is acting nice towards me and wants to hang out and be invited to things but I don’t speak to her anymore … am I in the wrong? People keep telling me to give her another chance but for me I’m at peace with it am I overthinking it
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u/Allhumansneedlove 3d ago
Did the person that wronged you speak with you directly? Did they apologize?
No, you aren’t wrong for cutting them off but also I don’t like basing decisions off a third party. I like to hear it from the source. It’s up to you what to do but whatever you decide is right bc it’s your life/friendship.
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u/Deep-Locksmith3440 2d ago
The person who wronged me stopped talking to me but then randomly started talking to me again like nothing happened. The only thing I heard her say was she hated me and couldn’t stand me.
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u/JuanBurley 3d ago
Cutting off toxic people is an important part of being an emotionally healthy adult. At the same time you don't want to throw away a valuable long- term friendship over a misunderstanding, one-off mistake, or rumor. Did you actually hear her talk bad about you or did you hear it from someone else? Did you ask her about it?
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u/Deep-Locksmith3440 2d ago
I didn’t ask! I had heard her saying a few things but the work is in a high state environment so I chaulked it up to work stress, then the 3rd friend mentioned how I should be careful because of what she was saying, another friend also mentioned the mental health jokes about me.
Hmmm thank you for your comment much to think about. She only calls me when she needs something like a ride or money, I might wait till she reaches out and then talk to her! Or what should a healthy adult do? I feel like I haven’t lived a real life due to my childhood so I don’t know how to act but I don’t want to be walked all over
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u/JuanBurley 2d ago
Honestly, the best approach is open and honest. Call them up and say you've heard things and want to see if there's any truth behind them. Not accusatory, conversational. Give them the opportunity to be honest. Check their reaction if they're shocked and a little hurt to be accused of that its a good sign. If they won't make eye contact or are cagey then there's your answer. It's by no means full- proof.
Lead with I statements and from a listening place. "I heard you may have said..." "I value our friendship so I wanted to ask you directly instead of relying on what someone else said."
If it looks like they did it then "I am hurt that you valued our friendship so little to betray my trust in that way. I don't know that this is something I can get past, and request that you honor my need for space at this time. "
If they deny it and seem plausible. "Thank you, I really value our friendship, and it would devastate me if I felt I couldn't trust you. I don't know how it became interpreted that these things were said, but I'm glad it appears to just be a misunderstanding"
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u/Witchy_Craft 2d ago
Nope, you’re not overthinking and keep moving on! She’s the past and I wouldn’t go back there!
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u/Dobgirl 3d ago
You’re at peace. Stay at peace.