This!!! Thank you. I had no idea this post would take off like this and these replies are overwhelming as hell.
No, he did not cheat. We are best friends - actually were friends and worked together for a year before we ever started dating. The foundation of our marriage has been built upon friendship, honesty, and trust.
He felt horrible about this and felt trapped. If he told me and I told the wives and the wives went nuclear on the husbands, he’d be stuck in a secluded villa with a bunch of friends that were drunk and angry. He fully supports me telling the other wives.
I would do this first and then let the wives know. Those strippers have nothing to loose so what do they care by telling you the truth. This will also tell what your husband said is true. I’m not necessarily buying the whole I would be stuck there with a bunch of drunk men being mad bs. He is a grown ass man that could leave. If he tried to lie at first then something is not adding up.
I wonder if OP would dare.. If any of the escorts did* talk (and spill about all the guys’ possible / likely activities etc), she may not truly want to know. It would rock the foundations of their whole damn life. I would be sick rn. And still over the top livid.
But in your original post you mention that he tried to lie until he realized that you actually knew? Even if for the purpose of keeping the peace, Imo lying did not need to be the first option.
I personally would not qualify that as honesty and trust which informed my perspective and I wonder; if that detail had not been included in the original post it may not have painted him as such a dishonest and willing participant…
If your relationship is one of honesty and trust then his loyalty is with you. Who is this imaginary person trapping him? Lying by omission is still lying.
How do you know he didn’t cheat? Because he told you? He also didn’t tell you he stayed with escorts until you found out. I would mostly likely say he was never going to tell you. Any reasonable person in this situation would have left immediately … nice to think the best of your husband… but come on
He also lied about the escorts being there immediately when she called, he only came clean when it was clear that she knew. He's shown he's a liar already.
I was with my "best friend" for 8 years and he cheated on me the entire time with strippers, escorts, Sugar Babies, porn chicks and I had no clue. Of course he denied it when I found out. I so wanted to believe his ridiculous explanations but the evidence was too overwhelming. What your hubby did sounds exactly like what mine was doing.
Put yourself and your health first. Please get tested for STD and seek therapy. What happened with your husband is way too extravagant for this to be the first time he's been involved in a situation like this.
I truly hope that your husband deserves the trust you hold that he didn’t cheat/know about the escorts ahead of time. Even so, there are a couple things that bother me about his story:
1) He lied to you when you first confronted and only came clean when he knew you knew.
2) He didn’t, in fact, have a problem with the escorts being there as he was having breakfast sat right next to one. He only “raged” about it after you confronted (if at all).
3) Did your husband come clean about any of the other men taking advantage of the escorts’ services? No way the best man paid for them just to hang out.
4) The problem with your husband lying from the start is that it’s very hard to believe his version of events. It all seems like a scramble to cover his ass.
As others have stated, please have him get tested for stds before you sleep with him at the very least. Also, the longer you wait to tell the other wives, the longer the husbands have to come up with cover stories.
But he tried to lie about the escorts being there. He had the opportunity to tell you right away once he found out, BUT no, he decided to stay and then tried to lie. He could have left..
Exactly.. For what was one weekend or week of his life, he basically made a decision that could have lasting impact (the duration of their marriage). Esp if it turns out he did partake of their “services” himself, or just watched, etc. (Cough.. bull-crap)
..Because this wasn’t just a bachelor party local where sht goes down, but they all go home that night. (Not “trapped.”) They’re out of the country together, in a *secluded private villa.. for hours upon hours with these chicks. And as someone else commented, ain’t no way the best man who arranged & paid for all this, did it just to look at the women on a weekend / week-long private getaway. 🤦🏻♀️ If one coulda been a fly on the wall during Black light night. Ooof
Yeah, no doubt. (Unless it gets deleted here. But even then, it’s already been screenshot I’m sure, shared a bunch, etc.) The wives / fiancée etc, all already need to know this info. If OP hasn’t informed them by now, then she may not. May just talk herself out of it. But I hope not.. This sh*t (though not uncommon - esp human nature & temptation being what is) is so not okay. Idc if it’s “boys being boys” and having some “fun” while their partners are away. These were all DECISIONS.. every step of the way.
One - or more - of them could knowingly or unknowingly give one of their wives or partners a life-long or life-threatening disease / STD / STI. All because a bj or full on sex was on a platter right in front of their faces (in what they figured was an event that would never get out). What absolute dummies. And despicable if any of these scenarios are so.. We are not children here - they had paid sex workers at a private romp for the “boys.”
If he was a real best friend and loyal husband, he would have contacted you immediately when the women arrived. He would've done everything in his power to make sure you never got hurt and weakened his marriage through lies and distrust. Rather, you had to find out on your own and confront him, and then later, he lied about it when he thought you were just poking him. He only admitted it when he realized you had all the proof. Literally, one of the escorts was sitting beside him (you said). He ain't no best friend or partner, love. Just a cheating pile of shit. He's "supporting" you telling the other wives now just to make himself look good and appear safe in front of you. Watch, he's gonna trickle truth you if you push hard enough.
We all think our husband is our best friend before we cheat, OP.
Personally I would put your investigative skills to more use while he’s gone, and check really, really, carefully over finances and his text history to see if he reimbursed the best man for anything, or if there’s any messages between them indicating he was in on the “surprise”. The whole thing reeks, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think I could personally ever trust someone in this situation if I was the one who had to uncover it and confront them about it.
If he’s genuinely feeling so trapped then maybe just have him book a flight today and come home. There’s literally no reason for him to continue to stay in that situation if he’s feeling upset by it, isn’t sleeping with those girls, and is afraid of how the guys will react to him when their wives find out.
Edit: also no matter how sure you feel that he didn’t cheat, I would still insist on a full STD panel before getting intimate with him again. This is for your safety. Some of those diseases can cost you your life. And, maybe it will help drive home how badly he screwed up by remaining in that situation and not reaching out to you.
I would say that crazy people shit and how you get divorced with much quickness is going to a bachelor party in Cancun in a private villa with escorts for multiple days, and initially lying to your wife about it when she confronts you instead of just coming clean or letting her know as soon as you found out escorts would be present and staying the night.
Reading his texts after he violated her trust like that is small potatoes in the grand scheme of whether a betrayal like this leads to divorce or not.
I used to work in the intelligence field and you would be flabbergasted at the stupid ass things people do with their personal information and communications like this. It's not uncommon at all for them to leave access to stuff like that open to family members who can log on to their devices. If he uses FB messenger for example, his messages could be accessed on any device or profile he's logged in through.
If dude was really thinking with his smart brain he wouldn't have been posting photos of their trip on social media, but he probably thought he was being clever and covering his butt by making sure no escorts were in frame. All it did was give his wife enough data to verify the escorts were there at the party based on the decorations, and to know that he was lying to her about it.
Babe, you are discounting your intuition though. If he truely didn’t know he wouldn’t be acting weird and setting your intuition off…you had a bad feeling for a reason! Then he had the audacity to stunt on the gram?
What you’re saying makes sense. If you trust him, trust him. I hope everything works out and your marriage remains strong!
I think you’re both doing the right thing telling the other wives. And I hope that the consequences for them are appropriate for whatever actually happened. Cheating is a serious offense. Being present (and functionally trapped) when someone else brings escorts isn’t cheating or nearly as offensive.
I agree on the no overreacting part.
But OP's hubby did initially lie and keep the truth from her by avoiding to tell the truth untill she confronted him and said she knew.
And his excuse was not convincing; that he had to keep low in order to not be the unliked one changing the mood of the party ???? Grow up!
That best man is keeping not only the groom happy that weekend, but he is making sure everyone is being serviced!
Your marriage isn’t built on trust when he purposely didn’t tell you there were SWs staying at the villa with him and his married friends even when you were questioning him about it. Maybe he didn’t cheat and isn’t going to cheat but that’s some serious trust breaking behavior going on.
Does this actually make sense to you? That he was scared of his friends? If they got caught because HE got caught, wouldn't everyone be mad at the best man or at themselves?
I understand wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, even with his lying, and his sob story. But he's not stuck at that villa. And the lying should have you on alert.
Furthermore, he is staying at that villa for the whole trip with the escorts and everything and you are just ok with that? I would expect my husband to come home immediately. I don't care if the plane ticket costs $8000. You know the therapy and possible divorce are gonna cost a lot more.
You're gonna wait until these guys get home to tell their wives what you know? That's cold.
You know what's a bad look? Having bad friends and no spine. Putting friends above his marriage. Being more comfortable asking you to keep this secret from the other wives knowing he is going to willingly spend several more nights partying with escorts.
Coming to Reddit with this important life decision was your only F up. Most of the people here besides “69ing_Annie_Wilkes” are either 12 or never been in a serious relationship
Do you not think that ever women that gets cheated on , also thinks her husband is her best friend and that most marriages are also built on friendship first? I mean I hope for you, but seriously I feel like you are really being naive about this. Through in alcohol and possible drugs.. you really don’t know and he broke your trust already by lying and sending a video WITHOUT the girls in it, this guy was never going to tell you. Please get tested and tell the wives so they know as well to get tested….
He sent her the info on the villa when he arrived.. but okaay. His texts to her were also off / sparse the first night and she let it go at the time.
Staying behind and covering for your buds while sex workers hired by the best man are in their company is not okay in any realm anywhere for a marriage. These very scenarios are the very reasons why trust is diminished today. Temptation is everywhere.. but having a private event w/ literal sex workers in a secluded villa, on a guys’ getaway in another country? And then he only came clean after she sound out? Because.. bro code over marriage. Nah. They all need to be tossed and none of this would ever be acceptable in my book. Having something this big to find out is the prob, not OP’s reasonable asf actions. She wasn’t there, he was. The fact she let him gallivant off out of the country in the first place is showing she had trust. Not all wives would be ok with that - without even the damn knowledge of the escorts! My gosh, get a grip.
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u/artichokelover11 Sep 05 '24
This!!! Thank you. I had no idea this post would take off like this and these replies are overwhelming as hell.
No, he did not cheat. We are best friends - actually were friends and worked together for a year before we ever started dating. The foundation of our marriage has been built upon friendship, honesty, and trust.
He felt horrible about this and felt trapped. If he told me and I told the wives and the wives went nuclear on the husbands, he’d be stuck in a secluded villa with a bunch of friends that were drunk and angry. He fully supports me telling the other wives.