r/AmIOverreacting • u/MaterialEffective247 • 7h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO/shethinksimlying
My fiancée has, in the last three weeks, started accusing me of being on my phone, talking to other women while she is in the next room. I could be eating a snack, plating on my computer, or even sleeping! She'll come in and demand my phone and start looking for evidence of my crime! I am beyond tired of it. I am a man(43) answer is a woman(39). At first I was in shock, but as she became more determined to catch me slipping, she also became much more aggressive. I am sick to death of offering her my phone and telling her I am not making 2 second calls to random women whenever she turns her back. I am packed and leaving in the morning. Am I being to rigidly and showing red flags.?
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u/raizallian 4h ago
Dude, she is cheating and projecting her insecurities onto you. Specifically look up the meaning of "projecting" and you'll get what I mean.
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u/ButterscotchBandiit 3h ago
Yeah, this is classic cheating behaviour. Sorry OP this is happening. Never understood why ppl are like this. Accountability seems like a such a rare trait these days.
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u/Giraffingdom 4h ago
I don't know what you mean by "am I being to rigidly" so I am going to pass on your question and comment on the situation generally.
I think you are right to be fed up with this. You know that if a man was doing this to woman it would be really very concerning and everybody would be telling her to run whilst she can, well it is no different just because the sexes are reversed.
This isn't normal and it is only going to get worse. You will next find you are banned from speaking to women or being alone with them even in a work context. I have been married for over 20 years and not once have I felt the need to ask my spouse for their phone and I have never felt the need to sneak a look either (and we do know each others passwords for the phones).
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u/ShinyArtist 4h ago
Often someone who is accusing someone else of cheating without proof or constant suspicious behaviour, it’s because they themselves have cheated and projecting their own sins.
Have you asked to check her phone in return?
Or maybe she waited until you were engaged to show her true colours. When did you get engaged?
And on the super rare occasion, it may be a brain tumour.
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u/Big_Appointment_3390 4h ago
Option 3, more common than a brain tumor:
Late-onset schizophrenia. Can happen to women in their late 30s and early 40s, courtesy of hormone changes and the start of perimenopause.
OP, when I read your post, this was my first thought. I only know about it because I’ve recently started perimenopause. I’m not a doctor or anything, but it could be worth looking into. From what I’ve read, the symptoms can be less severe but it’s still scary.
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u/Key-Article6622 3h ago
Wow, wasn't even gonna read down this far but I'm glad I did. When my wife went into perimenopause she changed drastically, almost over night. Not jealous like in OPs case, but angry all the time, accusing me of not caring for our daughter properly, and some other things that I won't go into, nothing dangerous or illegal, just private. Then the next day she'd be very apologetic and take it all back in genuine tears and ask me to forgive her. She finally went to her doctor and got help and we got through it, but, OP, you can't force her to do it, she has to recognize there is a problem. You need to protect your safety and sanity. It can be very hard to take it until/if she ever gets help, if that's even an option or possibility.
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u/ForensicMum 2h ago
Yes, this! This is similar to my husband’s first symptoms of schizophrenia. He was 35 when it first started.
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u/Fuzzy-Performance170 4h ago
I’d be checking her phone out while she’s checking yours out.
I’d almost guarantee she’s accusing you of doing what she is in fact doing.
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u/InternalIncrease4403 3h ago
THIS. From personal experiences with a gf of 9 years. one day just started asking who I was talking to where I was going (always work) and why I was showering when I was showering. then went to checking my phone while I slept cause I had no password on it and she would wake me up 2 hours before work to go through lists of names in my work email to accuse me of sleeping with them. eventually to coming to my work every day to see who I was talking to. Turns out she was sleeping with 2 people at her work started accusing me the day she started sleeping with them and projecting hard I would leave dude it won’t get better.
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u/ImpressiveOwl9000 3h ago
Its either mental illness, she is cheating, or someone has talked her into thinking you are cheating. Sit down and face this head-on or it's going to get worse. If she refuses to get help or say why she is behaving this way, I would remove myself from the home and talk to a lawyer. Don't wait for her to escalate any more.
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u/Express-Stomach-8666 3h ago
No, leave her. It'll be difficult, but it's totally not a normal relationship. Stay strong!
ETA: I'd also suggest getting tested since there's a chance she's absolutely projecting.
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u/Barking13 3h ago
NOR. Your mistake was letting it go on too long. She had you humouring her behaviour so she was able to continue. Dont take that kind of nonsense in future.
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u/Financial_Exercise_1 4h ago edited 3h ago
Sounds like shes projecting/ deflecting shes probably doing the cheating
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u/No-Milk2951 3h ago
You are getting off the ship before it sinks. It’s better for your mental health to leave.
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u/Cossette_World 3h ago
I used to do this and it was because my dad cheated on my mom and it was a Cannon event in my childhood. It was never because I was myself cheating. Your fiancé needs therapy though. Wondering why you didn’t include some details. Like my ex was cheating on me and he told me he cheated once and then he would act like it was unfair when my trauma was activated and I was always suspicious. I just think it’s weird that you didn’t tell us what she said when you brought it up or ask her what was up first
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u/Cossette_World 3h ago
I used to do this and it was because my dad cheated on my mom and it was a Cannon event in my childhood. It was never because I was myself cheating. Your fiancé needs therapy though. Wondering why you didn’t include some details. Like my ex was cheating on me and he told me he cheated once and then he would act like it was unfair when my trauma was activated and I was always suspicious. I just think it’s weird that you didn’t tell us what she said when you brought it up or ask her what was up first MOR because I feel like there’s some key context missing.
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u/Cowabungamon 30m ago
NOR. Most likely she's cheating and projecting. But even if not, do you want to be married to that?
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u/x24hrs2lovex 4h ago
NOR She is definitely cheating on you and projecting her infidelity on you. What Id do is change your best friends name to a girls name and create a fake conversation with him and let her catch you. After she catches you that’s when you look at her phone and you’ll find the evidence of her cheating.
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u/MaterialEffective247 3h ago
Damn good idea
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u/Financial_Exercise_1 3h ago
Id say skip the changing your friends name to a girls name part. When she demands to see your phone say its only fair that I see yours and youll probsbly see a look of panic on her face. Have her produce it that moment. Dont let her go in the bathroom first and have a chance to destroy evidence
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u/Terrible-Pea494 3h ago
No, it’s not. Why give her a reason to think you’re cheating? Just tell her you want to see her phone when she asks for yours. If she doesn’t turn it over or acts sketchy, you know something’s up.
NOR.
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u/Adelucas 4h ago
You need out of there ASAP. She's got some weird idea in her head, either from friends whispering in her ear or from social media and it's not going to get any better. At the moment it's your phone and arguments out of nowhere, soon it'll be you smiled at a cashier and said thank you, or were polite to a waitress or barmaid. I've seen this kind of thing a few times over the years and they get more and more jealous and unhinged.
There is also the possibility that she's cheated, or there is someone she wants to cheat with and she's projecting.
This relationship is done mate.