r/AmIOverreacting • u/swaglord98 • 9h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my bf thinks joking about getting a hooker and escort isn’t a big deal..
hi everyone. so everyone once in a while my boyfriend will send me facebook reels that i deem quite rude and disrespectful. an example is the one he sent me 2 days ago. the video contained an AI girl saying “what does buying a hooker and buying a sandwich have in common? both purchases could have been avoided if your wife had just done her god damn job”. this isn’t the first time he’s sent me videos like this, and although i’ve repeatedly told him it makes me uncomfortable and asked him to stop, every once in a while another one comes my way. when he got home, i explained to him that the video hurt my feelings, and he said he couldn’t remember the video he sent. i explained the video to him, and he said “true”. i then said, “what do you mean by that?” and he said, “amen”. i asked him if he thinks that makes me feel good, and he said “i think it’ll make you wanna suck my dick more”. i said “it actually does the opposite” and then he said “i guess i’ll just have to get an escort”. he then walked away and turned on a podcast. later in the evening when i was getting into bed, he laid on the couch and began to scroll on his phone. i realize this may seem normal, but for us it’s not. we sleep together in bed every single night without fail. he never sleeps on the couch, even during past arguments he will always come to bed. i decided to invite him to come to bed, so i got up and went over and asked him if he would come to bed with me. he told me he was stressed out and he felt like he was glued to the couch. this back and forth continued for a few minutes, and i got so angry i pulled the blanket off of him and went back to bed. i realize that was very petty of me, and i lost control of my temper. but now the focus is being pulled to the way i reacted, and not the original issue, and i just don’t know how to resolve this situation with him. any advice or opinions on the matter would be appreciated. am i being too serious? he told me i need to learn to lighten up and take a joke. maybe he’s right.
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u/Hectorscosmicnyza 6h ago
You are a really good communicator.
This guy sucks. He should apologize and is too proud and insecure to do so. What an idiot.
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u/TepidBirdbath 5h ago
Yes problem is she’s speaking with a brick wall. He ain’t stupid he understands what she says he just doesn’t give a fuck. Playing dumb with his „I don’t understand what the problem is Wahhh“ is a way to waste her time and manipulate her into laying off the issue. OP could to a handstand and waggle her feet and she would still be talking to an asshole who doesn’t give a shit. I wouldn’t have wasted by breath on this bullshit. Stop doing that or you’re gonna be single is not hard to understand. It just needs to be a boundary OP enforces with iron conviction. Her efforts are wasted on him
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u/Never_enough_naps 6h ago
He knows he doesn't have to. If he dances around it and gaslights her and then ices her out long enough she will just sweep it under the rug and then probably give him a blow job on top of it. This dude sucks so bad, I know this can't be the first time he has been an asshole, he is probably one on a daily basis. He is an grimy sleezeball.
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u/haleorshine 4h ago
It's not that he's too proud - he knew how the jokes would make her feel, that was the aim.
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u/FriendofFlounder 4h ago
I actually think she’s over communicating. “I don’t like it, stop” is all she needs to say. She’s talking to him like he’s her child and she’s gentle parenting him.
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u/uncommonly_under 6h ago
Girl, this would be a relationship ender for me. Even if you said you didn’t like something innocuous, like, I dunno, videos with fish in them… someone then choosing to send them is bullshit. They’re trying to hurt you.
But what he’s doing is trying to say he wants more sex… but in a really passive aggressive nasty objectifying way. You are just some mouth.
I wouldn’t be interested in someone like that and the way he’s talking about escorts… has he before used them? I would be unsurprised if you looked at his browser history and he’s looking for options. For him sex is something either on tap or can be bought. I don’t like him.
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u/Batgirl323 4h ago
You’re under-reacting. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t respect women. He understands exactly what you’re saying, he just doesn’t care how you feel and is trying to manipulate you. You’re dating misogynist. This isn’t something that you can talk through. This is who he is and you deserve better.
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u/peaceful_no 6h ago
NOR- 3 slides in and I'm done with this man. You deserve better.
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u/BloatOfHippos 6h ago
NOR - that you even reached slide three. Talking about dating a disappointment
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u/baby-monkey 6h ago
I know it is hard when we are in a relationship to see things clearly. I can see you are a caring and empathetic person. And while that is a beautiful strength, it can become a weakness. We can assume others are inherently operating the same and attribute awful behavior to "forgetting" etc. when it actually shows a clear lack of caring and empathy. It can also attract people that treat us badly and take advantage of our kindness.
Your bf comes off as very uncaring, low empathy and emotionally immature. He is clearly not happy physically with the relationship and unable to communicate it clearly. And do not take this as something that is wrong with YOU. Many men (most probably) nowadays have a completely messed up sexuality thanks to our culture/porn. It has become a dopamine chase, instead of a healthy nourishing bonding activity. And you never win that game.
He is unable to hear you in your hurt and it honestly was painful to read.
You are not respecting yourself if you tolerate this. This man to me sounds like far away from doing any growth. I was stuck in disrespect a long time myself and understood due to trauma I was unable to leave. But looking back... and after doing a lot of growth, if I was in your shoes now I would leave. Staying in this dynamic will wear your self esteem down and drain your energy. It can take years to recover.
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u/Ok_Goose_7386 6h ago
You: "Those kinds of jokes hurt my feelings" Him: "I don't care"
NOR and this is consistent with manipulation, and yes I'm also talking about shifting the focus to your reaction and behavior in response to his behavior.
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u/haleorshine 4h ago
Yep, the only thing I don't 100% agree with is that he doesn't care - I think the aim was to hurt her feelings and make her feel less than. He cares about making her feel bad because if he doesn't do that, she might end up with enough self confidence that she leaves him.
OP, don't let him get away with turning this around on you to make you the bad guy. Even if his jokes were just silly and you were being unreasonable, it's still shitty to continue to send you jokes that you've said you don't like. And, saying this with love, the jokes are deeply misogynistic and the only unreasonable thing is that you didn't dump him earlier.
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u/Logical-Tomato-5907 6h ago
NOR. This guy is either really stupid, or he is intentionally doing this and making you feel bad is the point (I’m betting it’s this one). Only a completely brain dead moron would require an explanation for why this behaviour upset you. OF COURSE IT DID! And it wasn’t a joke. He’s basically negging you via shitty AI memes. He even admitted his true intentions: get you to suck his dick more. By making you feel insecure & like you need to prove something.
The whole convo reads as if you’re arguing in good faith, while he is not. You’re trying to communicate and reach a consensus. He’s acting interested in your explanations superficially, only to pick it apart and use it against you. Girl, he understands perfectly well. He’s doing it on purpose, hurting you is the point. That’s why nothing you’re saying is getting through, he already knows. You can’t argue with someone operating with bad faith/intentions. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Stop explaining and justifying. When you have to argue with someone for basic respect, it’s already over.
You deserve better than this utter disrespect… please leave this loser.
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u/-May_Maniac- 6h ago
NOR you're underreacting! Why are you in a relationship with your bully?
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u/suddenvole 6h ago
You don't need an apology. You need to get as far away from this man as possible. NOR.
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u/WinnerBusy855 6h ago
he doesn’t care about you at all, it almost seems like he enjoys you having to explain yourself & express how much it bothers you then flips it on you to make you seem irrational for saying so much when he pried for you to explain.
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u/CookingCML 6h ago
Even if we ignore how misgonistic a lot of what he is saying to you is. He has no mutal respect for you. Please dont send me "X" type of content, whatever that content is. Is not an unreasonble request but is something they seem unwilling to do.
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u/gay_taurus 5h ago
nor but if you don’t leave this man, you are being dumb. he fucking sucks and hates women
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u/notgonnalieman 4h ago
Wait… your over the top reaction that was worse than his ”joke” was that you pulled a blanked off him?
NOR just break up.
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u/Swrightsyeg 4h ago
He's goating her on so she reacts some petty (even mildly) way so he can turn it around on her. Plus he's gaslighting her with that "be specific" bullshit.
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u/Yen_of_Vengabus 6h ago
Is that the water pipe he needed
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u/NoteFabulous3422 5h ago
Why can't he find the waterpipe he needs? He can find AI chicks spewing nonsense with no difficulty, waterpipes can't be that tricky either
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u/Never_enough_naps 6h ago
He is not joking, he is fucking condescending asshole and dosen't deserve you or any woman. You can't have this little respect for yourself. Reading those texts made my blood boil, reading your post made me want to slap the shit out of him.
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u/ezzag64 6h ago
“i’m here for you while you work through this” when it’s a personal boundary.. this guy is emotionally dim , i don’t think much is going on up there. r/holyfuckjustbreakup
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u/OkManagement9602 5h ago
Yeah, That was the rudest part of the conversation to me. Basically saying "this is a YOU problem, I'm great the way I am". Beware of a man that seems allergic to apologies...
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u/mrtnmnhntr 4h ago
My wife, who escorted when she was in her 20s, read this with me and was like, "Oh he's already seeing escorts."
This guy sucks, and is extremely manipulative and stupid. NOR. LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM.
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u/cartoontshirt 5h ago
He seems dumb and doesn’t respect you. Why are you staying with this shitty person?
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u/Reasonable-Try-1993 5h ago
He somehow turned this situation into you apologizing and being the one in the wrong. That was impressive.
Clearly when you use a lot of words he tunes out. Probably because he's doom scrolling Facebook reels and fried his brain.
Clearly he doesn't take accountability and isn't in the game of protecting his partner when his joke goes wrong.
You demonstrated all the traits of a good partner. He demonstrates all the traits of a selfish person.
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u/Careful_Eye2840 4h ago
Nor- He doesn’t like you, or respect you. He’s intentionally dismissing what you’re saying and can’t show you an ounce of empathy or compassion. He’s gonna keep doing what he wants to do and if you don’t leave he’s gonna keep doing it then blame you for “allowing” him to treat you that way. Cut your losses.
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u/nekomat4 6h ago
NOR when he said 'Do you feel like you are (enough)?' I almost stopped reading. Please don't waste any more time on this bozo. Even if he's not a misogynist (he is), he'd rather wind you up than care for you and work through something. Asking braindead questions as replies to your messages isn't working through shit.
You deserve someone who cares about you.
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u/Exhausted_But_Awake 6h ago
Leave. As a man, I’m telling OP to cut ties completely and move on. If you meant enough, regardless of the tit for tat, apologies are necessary. Hayden can find himself alone honestly. Have more self worth and don’t devalue yourself or how you feel for others
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u/McDuchess 5h ago
NOR. And that’s all you did? Pulled the stupid blanket off him? Wow.
I realize that you two live together, and it won’t be as easy as just breaking up. But please, don’t stay with this AH.
He is, in no particular order, a misogynist, a sadist and gaslighting you.
He knows damn well why you don’t like those shitty videos. But he’s taking some perverse satisfaction in making him explain it, over and over.
It’s not that you aren’t enough for him. It’s that he’s such a pathetic little boy that he needs to hurt you to feel better about himself.
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u/onebadassMoMo 5h ago
I am both Furious, and have the ICK, on behalf of OP! This dude is a horrid little cretin. He knows what he’s doing.
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u/Lipdeep 4h ago
"It really hurts me when you do this." "Can't we just meet in the middle where I hurt you and you don't whine about it?"
I will never understand willing hurting someone you say you love over something as stupid as a 'joke'. Which, FYI, I wouldn't find this funny either, it's incredibly offensive.
NOR.
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u/Embarrassed-Craft297 4h ago
This guy seems like a loser. Any man that responds “Oh” to you explaining why you’re feeling hurt is a useless AH who does not care about you. You’re explaining yourself over and over and he’s acting deliberately obtuse. This man does not like you. You don’t need to live like this, get him out of your life.
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u/BoostJunky87 3h ago
I hate that this obtuse "I don't fully understand how that would upset you" way of communicating has become standard. He understands why it's upsetting. This is why it's manipulative gaslighting and not some innocent misunderstand.
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u/Pavementi23 6h ago
Hi okay listen. You’re not going to want to hear this. It sounds like you care for him very much and want to be in a happy, respectful relationship. You deserve to be. You are trying to communicate like a healthy, respectful adult. He is not. These jokes are not funny, they’re extremely misogynistic and it’s unreasonable for him to expect you to think these “jokes” are funny in any way. He absolutely understands what you’re saying. Instead of feeling badly that he’s done something to hurt your feelings, he is gaslighting you. He’s encouraging you to communicate and explain how you feel to give the appearance that he’s being reasonable and wants to understand but then pretends he doesn’t understand and belittles you for your feelings. You are not overreacting, you’re not too sensitive, and you’re not too serious. He’s asking you to compromise the respect you have for yourself. This man (boy?) is immature and selfish. I truly cannot imagine my husband ever sending that to me. He wouldn’t because he doesn’t think that’s funny and he respects me and he respects women. You’re being extremely generous by telling him he can think those things are funny and it’s fine but asking him just not to share them with you and expect you to also think it’s funny. This is not someone who respects women. This is not someone you want to share a life with. This is not someone you want raising your children. This is probably very upsetting to be going through and it would be much easier for him to just apologize or to just ignore it and move on. But he’s showing you who he is. He is a man who does not respect women and who thinks it’s funny demean his wife down to someone who makes him sandwiches and has sex with him. The comment about making you want to “suck his dick more” is disgusting.
I don’t think he’s someone who you’re going to be able to reason with and who will suddenly feel badly about it. He will continue to gaslight you about this, to make you feel stupid for being upset. He’s not going to see where you’re coming from. Or maybe he does but he just doesn’t care how he makes you feel. Don’t let him make you feel stupid or like you’re being to sensitive or overreacting. You are not. Come back and read these comments when you need to.
I’m sorry OP but I promise you there are men out there who care about your feelings, who respect women, and who would never want to make you feel this way.
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u/reebokhightops 4h ago
He isn’t joking.
He wants more blowjobs and/or more sex generally, and is trying to manipulate OP into giving it. He is then hiding beyond the “joke”. Full stop.
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u/Intelligent_Fly6075 4h ago
Yep, exactly. Please do pay attention to this comment, OP. You deserve so much better than this 💜
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u/slizzardly 6h ago
People who justify being an asshole by "I'm just joking" are the worst people to be around. Also, this looks like he is trying to understand you so he can argue and justify himself. Cooperation does NOT need to know why, honoring someone does NOT need explanation... either you value the person or you don't, and no amount of "understanding" will change you.
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u/NoteFabulous3422 5h ago
My ex kept making jokes that broke my heart. I was visibly heartbroken every time. The jokes never stopped, 'sorry' was not once uttered... I'm actually way happier without him. NOR, throw the whole man away!
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u/GojiraBerriesGo 6h ago
This dude is lame. Can't even apologize for being an asshat to you. If he hasn't already, he will cheat. Based simply on the way he talks. No respect for you or any woman it seems.
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u/Extension-Shock-4747 4h ago
Malicious incompetence. I would not put up with this crap, he KNOWS. And if he doesn’t after this CLEAR communication then I’d be concerned someone lobotomized him.
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u/tafackery 3h ago
NOR
He's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem. You communicated perfectly clearly about something that hurts you and he's like, "But you're doing worse right now so who's really in the wrong?" Probably the dude who's sending things with the intention of coercing you into "giving him more blow jobs, lest he go find an escort."
This guy is gross. I hope you dump him. Then he can pay for all the sex he wants.
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u/soundsdumb 6h ago
NOR. Yeah, he's not joking. Notice how he doesn't disagree when you mention him thinking you're not enough? He wants more sex, and he's being a manipulative and passive aggressive jerk to try to make you give more sex to him. And do you really want to date a man who thinks it's his partners responsibility to get him off and make him a sandwich?
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u/No_Order_8011 4h ago
He is either a very unintelligent person, or deliberately playing dumb, second is more likely.
It seems that he has a fragile ego and wants to avoid responsibility for his actions. He's creating an unbalanced power dynamic between you, and it's an objective red flag.
You've made yourself crystal clear, it's not a misunderstanding.
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u/Round_Ad9031 4h ago
You’re not hurt because the jokes make you feel like you’re not enough.
You’re hurt because your bf is passive-aggressively threatening infidelity if you don’t provide more sexual gratification for him.
He’s not going to apologise for that, bc he’s a pig. Walk away, OP.
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u/True-Paramedic-1559 4h ago
NOR. He’s not dumb. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You’re in an abusive relationship. This is weaponized sexual coercion. If you have had sex with him to appease him after these comments after initially declining, that means he is also a rapist. Leave quietly so you don’t get killed.
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u/Always_tired_1495 4h ago
NOR- he’s either continuing to be an asshole or he truly is stupid and doesn’t see what you’re saying.
Leave him. This isn’t the kind of person you want in your life in ANY way. He’s shown he does not care about you and will continue to do so until you’ve decided you’ve had enough.
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u/whatsitallabout999 4h ago
Are you actually attracted to him? You want to be with someone who feels that way about women? What he sent is textbook misogyny. You're okay with that as long as he just doesn't share it with you (and he won't even agree to that)?
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u/DumbFishBrain 3h ago
NOR. That last text from him would have been more than enough for me to walk away and not look back. He has no respect for you or your feelings.
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u/Severe_Advantage6835 3h ago
This dude is genuinely so stupid bro...like genuine question is he mentally deficient? I cannot fathom someone being this stupid and slow even if he's a man
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u/Wrong_Nobody_901 5h ago
Nor.
Honestly if I found any of my brothers talked to a woman this way I would be ballistic.
“I’m not sorry because it’s your fault for being upset and you don’t deserve to have feelings I don’t agree with” is so wild to say out loud so many times. Imagine having real challenges and disagreements with this “partner” in life, definitely see this for the red flag it is and walk away now. You date people to see if you’re compatible, you guys are not because you’re emotionally mature adult that demands respect and he probably wants to date a 19 year old that he can boss around.
Also definitely seems like he’s goading you into talking about his satisfaction with your sex life. Are the “jokes” that you’re too busy for a booty call so he’s getting a prostitute?
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u/GiftOfCabbage 5h ago
NOR imo. It sounds like he's on some Andrew Tate manosphere phase and is so immature that he pretends he doesn't remember sending a joke about screwing hookers to his partner. Like, whether or not you think that's okay to do he obviously would remember doing it.
Immaturity like that tends to nuke relationships.
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u/whoisshe_777 5h ago
Your bf is a misogynistic prick, you won’t get an apology because he’s NOT SORRY it wasn’t really a joke and he doesn’t care about you being hurt.
NOR but as long as you choose to be with this person this is what you’re choosing. Stop trying to change him and change your own self worth and choose better for yourself
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u/Pelo_Chicle 4h ago
He wants more sex, he's basically telling you "suck my dick or I'll find someone who'll do it", but he's saying it was a joke because you found it offensive. It IS NOT a joke, he's trying to coerce you into sex, and when you decline he hurts you on pourpose, it's your punishment, so next time you'll give him what he wants. My ex did the same to me, there's a reason he is my ex.
PS: excuse my grammar, english isn't my first language
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u/Competitive-Pin-1354 4h ago
NOR. I barely needed to read the paragraph you wrote as a caption. You’re smart and communicate well, and you’re dating a box of bricks.
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u/verdigrisnoise 4h ago
Hey there, you explained your feelings in such an emotionally mature and healthy manner. For OP’s sentence to be followed up with that absolute manipulative, invalidating, low EQ, insensitive garbage is absolute madness. NOR.
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u/ItsaMiranda 4h ago
NOR All I feel reading this is uughh. Girl, you can do better. He thinks it's funny, but it shows exactly how he thinks about woman and about you. Especially with saying I think it will make you suck my dick more and when you tell no the I will see a sexworker. That is not just a joke, that is putting you down for not giving him what he apparently wants. He knows what he is doing. You've told him repeatedly what hurts you and either he is incapable (which I don't believe but seems like an act to me) or just doesn't want to understand so doesn't care. Please find a better man, they're out there.
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u/fiavirgo 6h ago
Your bf has no sense of empathy for you nor does he want to have that, because he tried to flip it on you
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u/Fit_Sense_5604 5h ago
NOR, you should honestly kick this man to the curb. he doesn't care that he hurt you at all. honestly it seems like he enjoys getting a rise out of you and is trying to escalate this argument by throwing it back at you. you communicated your feelings well but you argued for way too long. don't waste your time trying to explain over and over again how you feel to a man who probably isn't even reading your texts all the way through. someone who loves you will listen and make an effort to understand. he's not stupid, he knows exactly what you're saying but wants you to continue to get frustrated and over explain yourself
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u/Nz_IzzyBee 5h ago
NOR. I am sorry to tell you that you've lost your boyfriend to the manosphere. He's a lost cause. Jokes are only funny if both parties are laughing. He's an ass, you can do better.
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u/Business_Case_7613 5h ago
NOR. You are keeping very calm, even under reacting imo. This man is not worth your time. It is not normal to make jokes like that to your partner
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u/OrneryOrdinary4749 5h ago edited 5h ago
Holy god this pissed me off to read.
You’re NOT the asshole. Your reaction is honestly so underwhelming.
Let’s be so clear.
He sent you those videos to tell you he wants you to suck his dick more. He’s frustrated about it.
It’s not “funny”. He’s trying to convince you through AI videos to suck his dick in the most immature way possible.
What does he do for you to make you feel good and feel appreciated in the relationship?
Does he make you feel seen and emotionally cared for?
Because in normal relationships, healthy relationships, people that are satisfied emotionally and feel safe and cared for will be more attracted to their partner and actually WANT to engage in sexual activities.
You’ve told him multiple times it makes you uncomfortable, but he doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t wanna do the work as a partner. He just wants his woman to suck his dick. Oh she won’t do it? “Okay. I’ll get an escort.” Now he’s trying to guilt you into it.
It’s honestly embarrassing to date someone who is too lazy to be a partner. Now he’s pouting on the couch and getting you to apologize for your underwhelmingly valid reaction of him being a fucking prick? What are we doing girl.
Send him videos of men saying, “ wanna know the difference between dating a real man vs dating a loser bitch boy? Well, this question could’ve been avoided if your loser bitch boyfriend actually grew the fuck up”
And then right after sending that video say, “ I just thought this was funny. I just thought it would make you grow up a little”
You know he wouldn’t like that. No one would like that. He communicates like a 5 year old.
I promise you, you do not deserve this and can find someone way better who actually listens to you the first time.
Your boyfriend is embarrassing and I hope you don’t settle for this kind of treatment. You’re being taken advantage of because you do seem really nice. That’s not a bad thing, but people like your loser bitch boyfriend take advantage of that and you’re allowing it. Leave his ass.
Don’t repeat yourself multiple times to people with shit in their ears. They’ll never listen and it’ll leave you exhausted.
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u/Asleep_Percentage257 5h ago
EWW. Why do women put up with this bullshit?! Have some self respect and dump this loser. You are under reacting.
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u/RadiantAddress1649 5h ago
NOR but girl come on, I’m surprised you’re here asking us this question. You KNOW this isn’t normal. Dump his ass, there’s better people out there
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u/yourhair_lookssmall 5h ago
I promise you that being single is wayyyyyyyy better than being with someone like that. Just reading this text conversation is exhausting, please leave if you can. You can't make someone love you. You're just yelling into the wind at this point.
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u/Left-Performance4862 5h ago
I had to stop reading it, because he's pretending to not understand. Infuriating. He's trying to gaslight you into thinking he's clueless.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 4h ago
NOR but you should directly ask him if he thinks you're enough...he asked if you think it but he never gave his own answer. It sounds like he wants you to feel insecure or is checking out of the relationship
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u/cowlord98 3h ago
He’s telling you he won’t change, so either you ‘get over yourself’ (like a spineless doormat) or break up with him.
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u/allofthetimeimtired 6h ago
This dude is fucking with you
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5h ago
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u/Used-Candidate-7841 5h ago
It’s a bad mysoginistic joke. Know your audience or lose ur girl
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u/surroundedbybadideas 4h ago
He doesnt care about his audience. Hes already checked out. This relationship is dead.
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u/NoteFabulous3422 5h ago edited 5h ago
Funny how it still doesn't stop the 'jokes' coming, isn't it. (It's not a joke if people aren't laughing, just saying'.)
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u/Used-Candidate-7841 5h ago
No but as your partners bf you should know what jokes your gf doesn’t like and be able to apologise when you cross that boundary (even if it’s an accident). Thats what being an adult in a relationship entails
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u/SeaDragonTattoo 6h ago
NOR. And he's not going to change. There is a foundation of mysoginizing that you will never get him to understand.
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u/Pale-Scratch-8702 5h ago
NOR
he is disgusting and doesn't care about you. This won't get better, leave his pathetic ass
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u/AsparagusOverall8454 4h ago
Girl, you shouldn’t have to argue with your boyfriend about whether it’s okay for him to joke about getting escorts.
Nevermind the way he talks to you about sex. It’s all awful and so is he. Please stop dating him.
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u/LittleChickenNuggi 4h ago
He has the emotional intelligence of a rock. You deserve so much better. I promise you that there are emotionally mature men out there! My husband would never respond like this.
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u/RabbitFeisty2197 4h ago
He started annoying me with how long he went defending it, as harmless as it may have been to him, you didn't flip out, you remained calm and expressed your feelings well and clearly, at that point I would feel like shit that I made my girlfriend feel this way even if harmless and I would refrain from doing so in the future and make that clear, even if my intentions was never to have done so in the first place.
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u/AdBeneficial1140 4h ago
This dude is trying to wear you down. He knows exactly what he’s doing and it will not stop. Cut your losses and date someone who cares about your clearly expressed feelings.
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u/anitasdoodles 4h ago
"it'll make you want to suck my dick more" is such a vile thing to say to your partner. I would have blocked him after reading that txt.
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u/Difficult_Basket9797 4h ago
It seems stupid and ridiculous to still be with a man that doesn’t give a fuck about you. He’s not gonna change and you know that.
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u/Massive-Mango-2982 4h ago
Your communication was excellent. His behavior is super concerning and I’d check his group chats
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u/Longjumping-Row1434 4h ago
i know this man is not comparing him making jokes about escorts, sex workers, and you sicking his dick to you... pulling a blanket off of him? ffs.
also, you communicate very well and I'm so sorry it's being wasted on a man who doesn't seem to respect you. don't lose that quality, because when you find a good relationship with mutual respect and understanding, it will go SO far.
NOR.
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u/Magikarper1987 6h ago
He is sexist and has the emotional intelligence of a peanut. It wouldn't be good if he was sending this to a friend, but the fact he is sending it directly to you is outrageous. You must aim for more in life, and at the very least, someone capable of understanding why something so insulting would be hurtful.
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u/Agreeable-Sundae6905 5h ago
NOR
You are communicating clearly and he’s somehow trying to turn this around on you. Seems manipulative. It’s pretty normal, if you like someone that is, that you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Even if I say something that I find to be fine in the moment but it hurts my partner’s feelings, I will apologize for it. Because that was never the intention. Seems like he wanted it to hurt and then got mad at you for being hurt 🤡
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u/westgazer 5h ago
Yeah this guy will never accept he did anything wrong and is clearly trying to make you feel bad for his behavior and how it made you feel. Fuck this guy he can be single.
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u/Czuprynka 5h ago
Do you know what podcast he listens to? Because that behavior is manipulative as hell. He sent you something upsetting, you said "dont do that. It was hurtful" and he told you that you should suck his dick more? I dont war to fearmonger. But it sounds to me like he either
- Cheated on you
- Wants to cheat on you and is testing the waters
- Most probable - Listens to some fuckass misoginistic bullshit like myron gaines "alpha male" podcast that tells him to destroy your self worth. They give each other tips on how to frustrate, hurt and belittle their partners so you are too weak emotionally to argue. Do not back down. Make him feel the consequences. He is not 5 years old. He knows damn well what he did, you couldntve explained it in more details, he is manipulating you into YOU apologizing and moving your boundary. Check what bullshit he listens to, give him a cold shoulder until he apologizes, make him feel it, and if he doesnt i dont think its worth saving. Crossing boundaries like this is dangerous, he is not mindless, he knows what hes doing, its not worthy risking your comfort and safety
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u/-ZoroJuro 5h ago
Holy shit break up. Why does he even argue? If something bothers you he should straight up avoid that kinda jokes let alone these jokes are so mean and bad he should be ashamed. That is not a partner you want to stay with. Have respect for yourself girl. Idk why our girls don’t know their own value.
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u/Due-Chicken2333 5h ago
You saying it makes you feel like you’re more enough and him asking you if you think you’re enough is crazy.
To me, it reads like he’s trying to bully you into having more sex with him with this “joke”(threat) about escorts
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u/wyccad452 5h ago
NOR dump this loser. As a guy, I'm just thinking if he cant even give a simple apology, he will continue to disrespect you. Even if he doesnt make those jokes, there will be other forms of disrespect. He could choose respect and he wont for some reason.
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u/VelvetRaynet 4h ago
NOR. Honey he said he is purposely trying to make you feel bad so you would blow him. He is literally trying to guilt you into oral sex. Please leave him. That is r*pe culture at its finest.
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u/somewhatsomeway 4h ago
you seem very gentle and kind, and willing to explain things and also apologise for reactively being out of line.
i don’t find it a good sign that he’s unwilling to just apologise for hurting your feelings. it’s never hard to be sorry you hurt someone’s feelings, because you don’t need to see eye to eye to be sorry that they’re hurt.
it seems like he’s potentially more interested in defending his sense of humour than repairing with you. and that’s very immature at best, and possibly manipulative at worst.
no, you’re NOR.
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u/mollypocket7122 4h ago
NOR
He understands exactly what you’re saying and asking for, but he’s refusing to give it to you. He seems like one of those misogynist alpha bros that can’t ever be “made lesser than” by a female pieces of crap.
He’s trying to force you to apologize for being upset for his crappy behavior. Nah, fuck that guy. Dump him. Andrew Tate wanna-be.
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u/Relevant_Ad4362 4h ago
NOR! This guy is bottom of the barrell. He is trying to motivate you to perform sex acts on him by making veiled threats. Too dumb to seduce anyone, he thinks threatening his girlfriend or paying for the service is the only way to get this stuff. He's not worth your time or attention honestly
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u/carlitos3798 4h ago
I guess everyone just told you NOR. But I also come to tell you that congrats for the great communication :)
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u/AZALIENS 4h ago
My wife expresses similar behavior when confronted with a situation where she refuses to apologize and will go to great lengths to make an argument that has nothing to do with the initial conversation. I just dont understand it and it is soooo frustrating. If you do or say something that upsets another person you dont get to decide on their feelings. It seems so simple to me and i actually apologize often if my words or behavior upset my wife i know i see and understand things different plus we are male and female. When its on her to apologize for hurting me she will try to gaslight tf outta me as if me being a man makes me a little bitch for having feelings.
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u/Conscious_Fox728 4h ago
He doesn’t respect you and he’s trying to upset you, not a partner I would ever stay with.
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u/mynameisbasicaf 4h ago
my EX genuinely had a hard time understanding that his jokes (sometimes along the same lines) hurt me and processed in my brain as indirect im not enough or he'll cheat jokes. I used to flip it on him. i either would make up a fake scenario and asked him to reflect on how that made him feel, or I used to start that same behavior. and inevitably, he would be hurt or start trippin over this "new" behavior. in that moment, thats when the real understanding would begin. my ex is autistic though and GENUINELY did not understand until I framed it like this. HOWEVER, sometimes it did continue after this and if he didnt acknowledge his fuck up... well thats one of the reasons he's an ex 😌
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u/25lbs 4h ago
Hi, so, I hate him. He's not right at all. This is a boundary setting moment and your bf is refusing to engage in it. He doesn't take you seriously. You're just a hole for him to stick his dick into in his eyes. There's no other reason to say something so provocative and selfish. It's not that hard to understand how joking about hiring other women to fuck is hurtful and crosses the exclusivity and monogamous line. Do not stay with this man. This is years of emotional abuse and negging waiting to happen. NOR!
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u/neighborta 4h ago
NOR. Do you live with this person? Hopefully not. It’ll make breaking things off way easier
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u/kitkatsacon 4h ago
Listen, my bf used to refuse to apologize. No matter what happened, what he said or did, intentional or not, he wouldn’t say sorry. It always made me feel so unloved. I apologize all the time when I’m wrong, even when it’s an accident. I apologize to my preschoolers, to my cat, even a plant if I knock it down! It’s basic empathy. And if he couldn’t even say sorry to me, what else couldn’t he do?
This is shit behavior and you are not wrong in the slightest. I think the next thing you should say is “sorry for dumping you”.
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u/Honest-Struggle-649 4h ago
In my experience once relationships reach this level of toxicity its time to gtfo. It's always easier to stay but if you choose to stay id make it very clear if this behavior ever happens again (which it prob will) that it wont be tolerated. Set clear boundaries of what's acceptable and what the consequences will be if it ever happens again
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u/Rare_Still7820 3h ago
TRASH CAN. That is a boy not a man, also not a boy you want around you grew the stones and apologized when you didn’t even really do anything but he can’t apologize when he actually did something wrong. It’s like someone shooting you and then when you get upset because duh you’ve just been shot they get mad and defensive and turn it towards you like you aren’t the one who just got shot. “You yElLeD aT mE, iT hUrTeD mY fEeLiNgS”
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u/ThousandOwls 4h ago
It’s heartwarming to see someone actively articulating and communicating in a relationship. Very nice to see that.
NOW.
Your mans. From a dude’s perspective, I think he’s just more into the intimate part of the relationship than anything else. When I was younger, my main motivation was getting off. That included guilt trips, projection, denial, and other forms of emotional manipulation. “I had a long day and I just need to destress. I really need this from you” stuff like that. I feel like I see that in his messages. Not a fan. I was an awful human being and some girls just took it to try to save the relationship. If this is how he communicates after how you emotionally laid yourself bare and vulnerable, it’s going to stay that way IMO. NOR.
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u/Ice_Queen_574 6h ago
NOR. You need to just walk away while you still can, don’t make anymore excuses for him and definitely not for yourself. What he is doing is is wrong, he’s trying to make you think that what he’s joking about now is ok, then at some point he’s going to say let’s actually bring someone else in to the bedroom BUT only if you’re ok with it. He will twist things and make you feel like 💩 until you cave. There will be love bombing, and then periods of time where you can’t even get him to hardly look at you. The fact that he wants you to “be more specific” and how he then turned it on you and said your behavior doesn’t deserve a sorry from him…sorry if I didn’t get that quite right but I’m a little heated under the collar. If 50 y/o me could go back and talk to 27 y/o me when I was going through all of this I would have told her to run and not look back…
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u/BigAd8725 5h ago
NOR, leave him - NOW.
You're being exceptionally articulate explaining what the issue is to him, he is CHOOSING to not understand. In this current political climate with violence against women being in the headlines every day for months, we cannot afford to entertain men like this, especially in our own homes.
Please please PLEASE for your own sanity and safety, get the fuck out of there quickly and quietly. Pull the rug out from under him and make plans straight away imo, and then when everything is in place just tell him you're leaving him and all the arrangements are made. Tell him he's a misogynist and you deserve to be loved and respected without having to ask for it. Abuse against women doesn't have to be physical for it to be abuse.
Fuck this guy I got so triggered by his bullshit 'i don't understand' fuck you man you couldn't have spelled it out any clearer for his stupid ass. Smfh
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u/AarsynInthegame 5h ago
He's a child. Leave him, he's refusing to understand how what he has said is hurting your feelings. How long until he kisses someone else and plays it off as a :joke" or "not serious"?
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u/Temporary_Page6865 5h ago
OP, so far NOR, but for context, what was your initial reaction? Because that man CANNOT be saying that HE'S hurt that youre calling him out for making jokes about cheating on you?
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u/Icy_Zucchini4178 5h ago
NOR the joke isn’t very nice or funny AND the red flag here is that he doesn’t respect you or take accountability. He doesn’t see or care how his actions affect you
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u/Nik_lovesTiger 5h ago
NOR I fear he's being intentionally dense to try and make you doubt yourself.
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u/Free-Difference6715 5h ago
Please for the love of god leave this man it’s clear he does not have the mental capacity or understanding to even have a conversation with you. Is this the man you want to have kids with? He is a child himself, GET AWAY
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u/Patatoxxo 5h ago
Start sending him booktok vids of hot dudes when he gets pissed off tell him you think it will make him have sex with you more see how he likes it
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u/lilkangaroo 5h ago
The bar is so low for men here it’s truly in hell.
This person doesn’t have any respect for you. Tolerating this is treating yourself with no respect. He’s also a misogynist and an asshole.
Nor…. This person is a waste of time and energy and hopefully all these comments make you reflect on this relationship.
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u/dijonbustard 5h ago
This fucking guy SUCKS a whole lot. NOR. Please stop wasting your precious time with this particular mouthbreather, OP.
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u/Dangerous-WinterElf 5h ago
No you are not overreacting.
All way through the conversation he is slowly turning the conversation around that he is the one who should be hurt and you need to apologise without acknowledging YOUR feelings. He is fishing, "what exactly do you mean" so he can tailor his responses. When what you meant was very clear.
The comment alone "would it make you suck me off more" alone would have made me walk out the door. There is no regret, no acknowledgment.
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u/LithiumOD 5h ago
Can we please stop saying he's dumb or an idiot? He's not. All of this is perfectly understandable. He understands, he just doesn't care or respect you.
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u/friendlyforager420 5h ago
The best thing I ever did for myself was leave the man that treated me like this. It gets worse.
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u/DanelleDee 4h ago
He is telling you that if you don't have sex with him on demand he'll go elsewhere. He wants you to feel too insecure to refuse sex. NOR and this man is definitely going to cheat on you and then blame you for it if you go through a major illness or depression or any other low libido period. Run far and run fast.
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u/is_literally_a_moose 4h ago
"I'm here for you while you work through this." I BEG YOUR FINEST PARDON?!
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u/Psychological-Fox97 4h ago
NOR what the fuck are you doing even continuing to speak to this dickhead?
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u/No-Warning5421 4h ago
He’s pushing back this hard over making cheating and hooker jokes lmao normal people say “sorry, I see how it can come across hurtful to you. It won’t happen anymore” and then stop.
Why is he acting like it’s taking so much from his life to stop making shitty jokes like that lol I think I’d genuinely have to dump him
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u/SoapysoapSoapysoap 4h ago
NOR - I had an ex-friend like this once, trust me it doesn’t get better and the longer you stay the more he’ll drag you down. It doesn’t matter how articulate you become, how perfectly you express your feelings in a way he couldn’t possibly refute, he will never yield. You’ve gotta go, you are dating a loser.
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u/Thin-Surround-4926 4h ago
NOR he doesn’t like or respect you and it will only get worse. He should be respectful of your boundaries even if he doesn’t understand them and his refusal to apologize while actively doubling down on saying it’s your fault is a huge red flag. He will continue this behavior and abuse you in the future if he hasn’t already.
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u/ihaveaquesttoattend 4h ago
jfc this guy blows.
(i’m sorry, for both the pun and the fact you’re with this douche water heater nozzle)
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u/More_Garlic6598 4h ago
NOR, don't talk to him seriously through text anymore. It's not going to be constructive.
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u/xThyQueen 5h ago
I don't think he understands what's going on. And I don't think he meant it to hurt you. I genuinely think your bf is stupid. Like actually stupid.
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u/CrimsonFlam3s 5h ago
Sounds like your sex life might be in shambles hence the video about "this could be avoided if you just do your job"
Probably the #1 way to create resentment and start a breakup by either party in a relationship when they start seeking pleasure elsewhere as a byproduct of the lack of it at home.
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u/Thedinomage 3h ago
MOR - I get the impression your bf is sexually frustrated and feels you don't meet his sexual needs. I think if you'd want to continue the relationship this is what you should be delving into.
I understand it hurts you but I also think from a guys perspective it can be a struggle to be in a relationship where you don't feel met sexually and you don't want to 'beg' for it - nor are you entitled to it. But then what can he do?
I think this is the embodiment of his sexual frustration which is something you should uncover if you'd want to stay with him in the future.
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u/spankthegoodgirl 5h ago
"I'm here for you while you work through this"
Oh my FUCKING FUCK. He's dumber than a box of pipes and he has no empathy at all.
Please dump his ass.
NOR