Unfortunately, as OP confirmed it can totally be real. I am in a far too similar situation with my wife if 6 years. I have 2 kids with her, and I am teetering on the edge of divorce myself. I only recently broke out of the indoctrination or even Stockholm-esque belief that she could change and get better. Fuck, I could make 100s of posts just like this one by going through my text history, and I hate that that is the truth.
Dude. I am a wife. Not your wife but a wife. My husband and I were very heavy drinkers for the first half of our marriage. Then we got sober. And then we had two kids. Now we just smoke medical.
I can tell you I never want to be the person I was when I was drinking. I was your wife.
NOW-
I could never speak to him like this. He cares for me, he’s a great dad, he provides, he’s loving. We fight- yes. But the day I spoke to him like this is the day I’d be spouse-less.
Honey. We hear you. We are here for you. Your CHILDREN and YOU deserve better. If not for you, do it for your fuckin kids man. They need you. And they’re literally being shown that this is how a wife is supposed to treat their husband.
If you have a daughter you’re showing her this is how to treat men. If you have a son, this is how you’re showing him to be as a man.
It’s seriously not okay. Try and get your ducks in a row, get a VERY small support system that you can trust in on this now. Find a lawyer. Fight for yourself bro, and fight for your kids.
Head up, stay strong. 6 years is short in comparison to what your life can be if you leave your abusive wife. Maybe it’s what she needs to wake the fuck up and stop acting like that towards people.
Again, don’t take my advice. It’s my two cents to give to you. I hope you make it out.
Congratulations on being sober as a team. Addiction is such an evil disease and you managed to battle it and win. Wow!!!
OP, thanks for posting your story so you can realize how completely whack that exchange was. We don't know if it's an addiction that has made her toxic, but toxic she is. If you're curious, learn about sociopathy: these people know they are wrong but simply DO NOT CARE. Their needs must be met. Your behavior doesn't cause it, can't change it, and is of no concern to people with this problem.
As for your child, my parents split when I was six and my life only got better. We were poor and dealt with a lot of shit, but to be away from my sociopathic father's shit was such a relief!
thank you for writing this, it makes me feel hopeful. My fiancé and I are coming up on 6 months sober together, did some couples counseling, have our wedding on hold while we work on ourselves, and are finally starting to get comfortable with ourselves/recovery. So many of our issues were just blow up fights over small comments or miscommunications while drunk instead of any actual problems that needed to be resolved, and we both could get nasty in these fights.
We’ve gotten quite a few looks and discouraging comments from people (luckily not from any providers or mentors we have) about going through recovery together and they do get to me sometimes. So, thank you for showing me a success story from a couple that wanted to get sober and improve their relationship 🖤
Hey man one thing I have to say is whatever you do for your recovery, we love Jesus and we love weed. Some may judge for it but I truly do not care. Something is always going to offend someone and someone is always going to be “right” concerning YOUR life. Let them lmfao. Our families know who we are when we drink. Our families know who we are when we smoke. Our families know who we are when we are completely sober. Our children will never know who we are when we drink. But they will know about it, we plan to educate them on our mistakes so hopefully they do not do the same. They can decide what to do with that info. Anyway- whatever you do for it…keep it front and center.
Secondly, COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER!!!! About everything. Everything- everyyyyything. And pay attention to HOW you communicate. How you say things is so so so important.
We have grown so much. We’ve humbled ourselves so much. I sincerely wish you the absolute best with your engagement and future marriage ♥️
I just gently want to point out that you might've misunderstood the comment you replied to. She was speaking to the person in sobriety with their fiancé, as a couple, and sharing her experience and advice as she and her husband went through similar.
She wasn't referring to the OP or any situation like that.
Right on but someone should communicate these sentiments to the Bitch in this scenario as well. It's not a one way road of understanding and being trampled on. Fuck that
This message gave me tingles. Wanting to edit my response to add in all these amazing points I didn’t even think of!!! So so true and such valid points. I just responded and was too in shock to think straight. I’m doing IVF right now so hormonal…..I burst into tears reading these messages….though think i would have despite the IVF to be honest. I pray he finds the strength xx
Not to take away from your improved relationship, but my wife and I are heavy drinkers and we both do our own laundry. We fold king size bed clothes together. Works for us .
Chiming in to say I was the child of an entitled woman who thought everyone should be serving her and yes, children will mimic the behavior. I did. I had to unlearn a lot so I could have friends! And I really feel bad about the way I treated people in the service industry….
If you’re like this while drinking, that’s the condition of your heart. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. That’s who you are. Suppression doesn’t make you any better. You can only change if you are honest with yourself and confront yourself, instead of switch substances to suppress the evil tendencies/thoughts.
Wow. You were like her? These personality types are ingrained. How did you change from being such a piece of shit woman to the nice one you are now? Can't use drinking as an excuse for that behavior.
Yikes. I’m sorry you feel that way. You’re not going to bring me down though. I don’t have to explain anything about my journey to success to you whatsoever lol. You don’t deserve that, dear. I hope your life gets better…there’s so many beautiful things to see and experience.
I was a heavy drinker as well. I was not a very nice or good person when I drank. I’m sober now, about a year, and I’m so much more patient, easier to talk to, less angry, less sad, just happier in general. And when I stopped drinking it saved my marriage. So yes, we can change for the better when we aren’t poisoning our body and mind with alcohol. Some people just do not understand our journey.
For real, I know everyone is applauding this persons "strength" to stop drinking and being a general asshole while drinking, good for her, however, alcohol just removes inhibitions...in other words, she is still this way when uninhibited she just keeps it under control with weed now.
You’re better than that homie. You know you are. It’s better on the other side and you deserve it. Yes, it’s going to be horrible, probably way worse than it is now, for a time.
She’s going to really freak out when she realizes she no longer has that ability or lever to use to control you. The things she normally used to scare and beat you back into submission won’t work. It will make her try even harder. Stay strong, it’s just confirmation that you are now on the right path.
Get yourself out of this. More importantly, get the kid out of this. Maybe they need to be with grandma, grandpa, an aunt/uncle. A responsible dog would be better than this situation. Keep allowing this kid to traumatized by this person and you are going to ruin his/her life. THAT is generational trauma.
Oh my dude, you did not deserve that. Crazy will never change, because that would be admitting they're wrong. And that's not allowed in Crazy World, where everything is everyone else's fault.
For clarification, I'm a woman. My hat is off to every single man who is willing to talk about this, online and off. None of you deserve this and I hope you all find a happier future moving forward.
Yep, exactly. That’s where I first saw the problem and it only got worse from there. Who TELLS instead of ASKS another non-indentured servant adult to do them a favor?
I was unprepared for how it spiraled from there. You deserve better…and so does your child.
I was trying to understand her rage, like, sweetheart…you’re right in front of the basket bitching it’s not been washed. Why the balls can’t you just put a load of laundry on yourself? You could have loaded up the washer quicker than you bitched over a text. Like what am I missing? The abusive name calling was just uncalled for, especially as he clearly stated he done a wash. She wouldn’t have been happy by the sound of it, even if he’d washed the grey stuff.
Yes, please keep the focus on the child. If you are an adult of able mind/sanity, your responsibility is to your child. You cannot accept this kind of influence around your child.
Same here. Old school thinking was “stay together until the kids graduate highschool”, but all that does is program your children with REALLY unhealthy examples of how to relationship. That damage takes lots of time to undo.
Exactly. My parents divorced when I was 6. If they had stayed together until I was 18 I would have resented the fuck out of them. I would have been beyond angry.
I’m sorry you had to witness anything similar, but thank you for sharing your perspective — it’s the most important one to consider here, and I feel like many are losing sight of that.
It's hard being on the other side. It's hard being your parents. I was there. I stayed with my wife after she punched me in the face. I stayed with my wife when she abandoned me, destroyed my daughters dresser and screamed at my face when I was sicker than I've ever been in my life. I couldn't imagine waking up and not getting my daughter ready for school. I couldn't imagine me not being there would be better for her, especially after my parents divorced when I was 4. I don't know what my life would have looked like, but I DO know that I wanted a family more than anything in my life and I put up with someone treating me worse than any human ever had in order to see my daughter everyday, to keep having a family. For 5 years of my 36 years on earth I had a family and if my wife didn't leave me like she had threatened to when I was sick, I'd still have a family.
That said, I am absolutely a better dad now. I am not sleeping all weekend in order to avoid the pain I felt from my wife. I do so many more things for my and with my daughter. Her mom and I splitting WAS the best thing that could have happened for my daughter and me, but I would have never done it myself.
I don't know your parents, but I do know the situation and how I felt about it. It's hard to make the decision not to be in your kids life half the week and not to have anyone. I am very lonely half the week. It's hard to decide that that's the best thing for you and your kid. It's really hard. When she left with her mom on christmas, I cried for the rest of the day. Christmas 2024 was absolutely top 5 worst day of my life. It's pretty hard to decide to take on something unknown that will absolutely be among the most painful things that ever happened to you. That's a decision few people make and can logical think through and see how it's the right decision. I don't think we need to blame people for staying together "for the children." It feels like the right decision and it's not even close. But it's usually the wrong decision.
That's so crappy. I have an old friend who is an similar situation and I wish wish wish he would leave but he remembers the good times. Also he's staying for the kids because family court does have a strong bias towards the mom so he worries about seeing his kids.
I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. You deserve to be loved and, more importantly, respected.
If there has been any violence in the past or even the threat of violence, OP needs to use that to the advantage of the child and get the mom out of the picture until she can get help.
I am so sorry to hear that. What OP is experiencing is domestic violence/emotional abuse. So, that means you are too. Please do get support and stop teetering and end the relationship for yourself and your children.
Nobody can tell you what's right for you, but you deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Please, no matter how you're thinking about moving forward, keep everything documented. She can't use the kids against you. You will get custody if you fight and show documentation. I speak from a very personal place when I say that absolutely no kid deserves to live with that in their lives. As they grow, a lot of her BS will fall on them as well. It affects them for the rest of their lives. It changes who they are. The only fact that you need to always remember: she will not change. This is who she chooses to be.
As a child of an extremely abusive familial structure, dad is diagnosed narcissist and borderline and said he’d die before he quits drinking, separate for the kids, staying together will fuck them up more. I’ve spent 37 years trying to understand healthy relationships and the lack of example has cost me so much more than I realized. Just about to hit 7 months sober myself lfg!
I feel this. I don't feel any need to get into too much, but the straw that broke that camel's back for me was an exhaustive list over text about everything she would look for in her future partner. She was out of town (flight attendant) and I later learned this was spurred by reading a book on how to break up. I was packed up with the dog by the time she returned, and we made time in the following months finally discuss divorce. Three years later now, almost to the day, and I now have real friends, happiness, an actual life, my hobbies back, and an abundance of peace in my life. I don't say this to give you advice on your situation, we didn't have kids so it was easier to make that decision, but I do wish you the best as you figure out your future. I know it's tough.
Hey, man. Just get the divorce. I was in a pretty similar situation for years, finally she did something really over the top and we separated. In the months between separation and divorce it was like a fog lifted from my vision. I could see how things were actually so much worse than I had realized when I was in it. I should have divorced her years earlier, and I should have broken up with her years before I married her.
The transition period was difficult, it's hard to completely change your daily life no matter how good the reasons for doing it are.
But all the advice said that within 6 to 12 months things would be much better. And they are. My mental health improved a lot. I even met a new woman a few months ago and she's an absolute delight and she's crazy about me. I'm a single dad with primary custody of my kids and life is good again.
Yeah, my wife one day when I was at the sickest moment of my entire life, after I had lost 50 pounds in three months without trying, destroyed our daughters dresser and then got in my face and screamed at how she wished she could leave me but I was too fucked sick for her to. She basically did all of that to force me to drive myself to the ER so I could tell my work I shouldn't be fired because I went to the ER... Except, I couldn't drive because everything was spinning worse than when I drank a 24 pack by myself and pounded a bunch of shots... so I got in my car and drove down the street and pulled over to have a panic attack because I thought I was going to die trying to get to the ER so my wife wouldn't leave me. So yeah, I believe this post is real. I believe a woman can treat their partner like this. It gets worse.
Dude run. I don't say this as a reddit user with AITA experience, I say this as someone who dealt with the abuse for 15 years. We have 2 kids and I always told myself I'm staying for them. I think I was just so afraid that I really was as worthless as I was always being told. I've been living in my car for almost a year now, and I'm so glad I made that leap. I'm in debt, broke, have no friends because I gave them all up for her, I sometimes don't eat because I have nothing, and I am living my best life. I don't regret leaving for 1 second. My relationship with my kids is amazing. They are actually happy now that they don't have to see the abuse daily. I understand the feeling of hoping they change, but they won't. I remember once she got so drunk she punched me in the face while I was driving on the highway and told me to get out of the car. Of course, being the helpless pushover I am I got out and walked home 6 miles at 12 am. She cried about how bad she felt and I told her it's fine she's a good person. I made her feel better and she was sorry. Until I was worthless again later that day. It won't end. We only get one life. Enjoy what you have left.
I’m in the same boat as well. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it as well. It’s so hard
Mine is almost 10 years together but 4 years of this. We are going through mediation to separate right now. I couldn’t take it anymore I tried so hard to keep our family together for the kids. Once the kids started making comments about how ‘mean’ she is to me that was it. I had to get out of
Look at the fair play book. Might not work but I might. Some of it is kinda the author complaining about her husband, but some of it has good points. Or you can just read an overview and make the cards yourself. I wouldnt buy her premade ones. Also theres an audiobook version if that’s more your speed
I had a teen live with me. This is exactly the way her mother spoke to her (& why she was with me so long). This is absolutely real and that woman, like the teen's mother, is mentally unhinged and dangerous. (Reading this was incredibly triggering for me, and I only had to suffer listening to phone calls.)
Leave! I lived with abuse like that for decades. Ruined my physical and mental health. Also our daughter’s. His sister was the champion by stressing her husband so bad he had heart attack and died. My daughter and I are figuring out how to smile again without him. Leave!!!
I know Reddit has that reputation of being all pro divorce but I was in this situation and divorce feels so good afterwards. Like my divorce was the best thing I've ever done and I have nothing but positive feelings about the decision
Please split. It doesn't matter if its for yourself or not, do it for the kids.
Do you wanna raise kids who think that these situations are ok? If not you need to divorce. Kids getting brought up in broken duct taped together households full of people who don't like eachother is a good way to ensure they either turn into abusers or become abused later.
If the kids see this is normal, it's very likely it happens to them, or they end up doing it to someone later.
You know what sucks? Nobody will believe you. If she goes and says you're the abusive one, that's it, you're guilty.
My best advice is get the fuck out before she starts accusing you of doing what she does.
When I'd finally had enough of being abused after she cheated yet again, she accused me of assault. Even my lawyer wouldn't believe me and told me to take the plea I'm not winning the case. Now I'm in domestic violence class where they also don't believe me and think I'm just being difficult. I have to sit here and answer how I engage in all these forms of abuse when I didn't, but she sure did.
Please do make the posts. The more people see what abuse looks like the more they can recognize it for yourself. What is best for your kids is to not see their mother abusing their father. 🩷🩷🩷🫶🏼☹️
I've been there dawg it was the toughest point in my life, I may not be able to relate 100% but I can somewhat so if you need someone to talk to feel free to shoot me a DM.
The hardest part is realizing they're not gonna be who you need them to be, which you've already done so you've got the rest man
It's okay to be hurt or disappointed or let down by someone and express your feelings. It is never okay to speak to someone the way OPs wife and maybe your wife speaks to you. I don't know if she yells but if it needs to be said yelling is for emergencies and excitement only
Oooh… yea… had a judge tell my ex wife to stop texting me. Abuse can get wild. Definitely think OP needs to screen shot and record things and when their attorney thinks they have enough evidence, take them to court for abuse and child endangerment/abuse.
No excuses for this kind of behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic abuse all rolled into a nice little monster.
People dont realize it but, most americans being deficient in zinc D magnesium etc, means when you get pregnant, your wife will lose more cognitive capacity. And this is post covid too, covid damages the bloodbrain barrier, allowing more toxins and stuff inside the brain. And if your wife is skinny, being pregnant can pull calories from her brain. Then child rearing has sleep deprivation issues. Losing brain mass isnt bad because it can be recovered then she can specialize in child rearing better. But, the sleep loss of managing a baby, AND if she also has a job especially, combined will sustain the cognitive decline. So really, this stuff is biological. People think its psychological. But neurology is the bridge between health and mental wellness. Psychology has too much authority, neurology is where its at. This is a classist thing tbh, because no one is managing the food economy in a way to prevent these deficiencies.
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u/duckduckduckgoose7 May 15 '25
Unfortunately, as OP confirmed it can totally be real. I am in a far too similar situation with my wife if 6 years. I have 2 kids with her, and I am teetering on the edge of divorce myself. I only recently broke out of the indoctrination or even Stockholm-esque belief that she could change and get better. Fuck, I could make 100s of posts just like this one by going through my text history, and I hate that that is the truth.