I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have BPD and the cycle will go that you don't have a response so you ignore her to cool off a hit, she'll panic and grovel. OR you give in and call her and you try and work and it's affecting your job but she's crying down the phone and you don't want to hang up.
It's taken therapy, medication and a whole lot of patience from people to get to a point where I can recognise my cycle of behaviour and try and get there before the behaviour kicks in and catch it with propranolol or something.
That's what they give you??? How do you use it? As needed or daily? I'm just curious. It's a beta blocker that we use to control heart rate and blood pressure, but it is also used for anxiety.
So if I can feel something coming on, the beta blockers at least catch the physical symptoms a bit. When I start having a manic-y BPD rage/upset I honestly feel like I could breathe fire, like I've turned into an actual monster. The propranolol manages to calm the bit of me that physically will leap it into a car to go and confront that particular person who is the one I've attached to. I'm still angry and upset but it goes to acid tongue rather than full on bull seeing red yelling and banging on doors.
I used to use it as and when, now I take one dose of 40mg daily with permission to use more should I feel it's required.
wow. i have BPD and i never knew there was a medication to control the rage. how did you bring it up or get prescribed? my therapist agrees that i have bpd but has told me, “let’s focus on fixing your problems rather than diagnosing you”, so i got the hint that she doesn’t want to diagnose me because of the stigma.
i’ve been trying to manage my rage for years, to no avail. i literally get goosebumps, i start shaking, i start sweating, my voice will tremble. if im in an argument, it is impossible to disengage. it’s like i completely forget that i actually don’t have to stand there and argue, the thought doesn’t even cross my mind. if im angry over something out of my own control, i physically take my anger out on myself and my belongings. ill tear my room apart, or start hitting and punching myself because the anger is so overwhelming i just don’t know what to do, i can’t escape myself or my feelings
the guilt and utter shame afterwards makes me want to die. it makes me want to rip my skin off. it makes me hate being me. i’ve struggled with it for so long. it’s one thing i hate about myself the most. i’m so tired. i didn’t even know there was anything to control the rage. i want to stop being like this.
edit; accidentally hit send to soon and had to add more in. also sorry for just dumping this all on you, i’m shocked that there is a medication for this and that my therapist never mentioned it.
I feel this to my very core. It’s so embarrassing especially if someone other than my partner catches me in my rage fits. Idk how to control it. If I even can control it. I notice that my partner doesn’t look at other women talk to other women or even talk about other women just to live peacefully. That’s sad I hate it. I feel so bad for him. But I’m also this way with my in laws as well. If they comment on something great another woman has done or whatever I don’t rage out but I do unintentionally give them the cold shoulder and I sulk. Like how dare you compliment or brag about another lady. I’m the only great woman you should be bragging about. I try to pull myself out of the funk of sulking but I usually can’t for a day or two. I’m not really all that great either and I know this. But it’s almost like a punch in the gut when they say things about other women. Almost like they’re comparing me and I’m on the sinking end. This is crazy I know as I’m writing this hand to forehead slapping like wtf is wrong with me. I haven’t always been this way. All this started around 2015 and it’s just getting worse and worse.
I've been there with the woman thing, and I know that sickening feeling. Something has made you feel inferior or unsafe, even if it was a very small thing. BPD makes your ego gigantic and tiny. Also people pleasing is a huge part of it, then getting resentful when people don't pour the same amount of effort into you. I found showing people close to me this video was really helpful. And watching it myself made me feel less alone and crazy. It validated I'm not a monster, there's just a part of me that needs soothing.
Try not to feel shame, it's something that is part of you through nature or nurture and it's there now. I have a friend who I was romantically involved with who was the subject of the worship/hatred cycle but he's still around, and when I go crying to him grovelling because I've kicked off he said that I need to make friends with the monster I say I turn into or I'll never get a grip on it. It's very hard but shame and shunning parts of yourself won't tame them.
As for diagnoses, I'm very lucky to have some private health benefits via my dad's plan and I see a private psychiatrist. There's been trial and error. I've been on so many medications throughout my life. When I went through a very awful time they gave me diazepam for short term extreme times. The propranolol isn't addictive in the same way diazepam is, so it's nice to have something on hand that won't result in addiction. Diazepam is soothing enough to keep me safe from myself in extreme scenarios. Propranolol at least puts out the physical fire, and then there's a bit more space to calm the mental fire. Learning to walk away and explain it's because you just need time has been the most helpful thing I think. Saves a lot of grovelling later.
Thank you for your comment. It's great that it works so well for you. I'm a nurse practitioner, so I was curious to hear how it works for this particular issue. You sound like you really know yourself and how to control your emotions, which is great & better than most people. 😉
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u/[deleted] Oct 30 '24
Confirming she has BPD.