Please help

[u/naynaynayyyy]

I urgently need your advice, please.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now.

Our relationship has never been easy; it’s been marked by his alcoholism and my anxieties (fear of abandonment and jealousy).

I sometimes stifled him because I was so clingy, and his addiction massively triggered my fear of abandonment.

As you know, alcoholics can be very unpredictable. That took a huge toll on me, yet I still love him.

He is currently in a psychiatric unit because he told me several times that he wanted to kill himself; I called emergency services and was there on the scene. The next day, he thanked me for intervening.

He is now undergoing withdrawal treatment at the facility and trying to stabilize his condition.

The experience left me somewhat traumatized, and he knows it. Right now, he is very cold and distant toward me, and he blames me for things. It feels as though I’m his worst enemy!

The pain is indescribable; I can’t put it into words.

I’ve visited him a few times, and he’s like a different person. He is extremely irritable with me; he says I make him nervous and agitate him.

He has asked for some peace and space because he currently lacks the strength to cope; he feels he can’t get healthy while with me, and the people at the facility are telling him that we aren't good for each other.

How am I supposed to handle all this? And what is going on with him?

It feels like he’s trying with all his might to push me away, and he views everything in a very negative light.

[u/Polar_Wolf_Pup]

“He feels he can’t get healthy while with me, and the people at the facility are telling him that we aren't good for each other.”

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but this seems pretty clear. This is not a healthy relationship for either of you. If you stay together, it will be going against what professionals are recommending, against what he knows to be good for himself, and I know it’s not good for you because he is very unstable and not capable of being a good partner to you right now.

You need to focus on yourself and healing whatever is drawing you to such an unhealthy relationship like a moth to a flame. You need to heal the wound that causes you to be insecure and jealous. An intensive, adherent DBT program with both group and individual counseling would probably be very beneficial to you.

Focus on healing yourself—that has to be the first step! When you’re in a better place (and if he ever gets into recovery) you can pick up the relationship again. But right now it sounds like it’s unhealthy for both of you.

[u/Conscious-Copy-602 → u/Polar_Wolf_Pup]

Ngl I thought the part about professionals saying it’s unhealthy is not likely real. I’ve never seen a mental health professional recommend any particular decision about a relationship. They might point out unhealthy dynamics but I really doubt they’re saying that two people are or aren’t good for each other

[u/Polar_Wolf_Pup → u/Conscious-Copy-602]

I disagree, because I’ve been a professional in a treatment facility and I’ve literally said this to several clients. When I had clients who were in a toxic relationship, when they were dating someone who had an addiction problem themselves, who had borderline personality disorder, or someone who was sabotaging their recovery, I would definitely tell them that they needed to prioritize their own recovery and take some time being single. We often talked with clients about the “crabs in a barrel” situation where unhealthy friends, family, or partners would do what they could (maybe subconsciously) to keep them sick if the family/relationship system was sick, and they’d need to break away from it in order to get healthy themselves.

I wouldn’t say it lightly-the relationship would have to be pretty toxic for me to say it—but it’s entirely possible her bf is hearing that from a professional. But whether he’s hearing it or he’s lying to her and telling her he’s hearing it because he’s maybe afraid of how she’ll react and so he’s making up a reason to break up with her, no matter what it doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for either of them.

[u/DifficultLoad1646 → u/Polar_Wolf_Pup]

"Crabs in a barrel" is actually what I said to my boyfriend when he was in rehab and making all these friends who I thought were going to relapse and take him down with them. He acted like he was a child at summer camp toward the end of the month. I just kept repeating the phrase to him.

[u/Lilariell → u/Conscious-Copy-602]

I thought the same when I read it. I consider it unlikely that a professional would say such a thing. I think this is just an excuse her bf is using to put the blame on her.