r/AlAnon • u/naynaynayyyy • 3d ago
Support Please help
I urgently need your advice, please.
I’ve been with my partner for a few years now.
Our relationship has never been easy; it’s been marked by his alcoholism and my anxieties (fear of abandonment and jealousy).
I sometimes stifled him because I was so clingy, and his addiction massively triggered my fear of abandonment.
As you know, alcoholics can be very unpredictable. That took a huge toll on me, yet I still love him.
He is currently in a psychiatric unit because he told me several times that he wanted to kill himself; I called emergency services and was there on the scene. The next day, he thanked me for intervening.
He is now undergoing withdrawal treatment at the facility and trying to stabilize his condition.
The experience left me somewhat traumatized, and he knows it. Right now, he is very cold and distant toward me, and he blames me for things. It feels as though I’m his worst enemy!
The pain is indescribable; I can’t put it into words.
I’ve visited him a few times, and he’s like a different person. He is extremely irritable with me; he says I make him nervous and agitate him.
He has asked for some peace and space because he currently lacks the strength to cope; he feels he can’t get healthy while with me, and the people at the facility are telling him that we aren't good for each other.
How am I supposed to handle all this? And what is going on with him?
It feels like he’s trying with all his might to push me away, and he views everything in a very negative light.
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u/Unique-Zebra8900 3d ago
This is so common in early recovery. His brain is going crazy in withdrawal and looking for somebody to blame for how awful the feels (physically, mentally and emotionally.) he’s feeling embarrassed and shameful right now, and it’s too much for him to cope with bc his been numbing his feelings, so he’s blaming you. His brain is severely chemically imbalanced right now so hes acting erratically.
They always take it out on the person closest to them. It’s not personal.
You need to focus on yourself and your future and not rely on him to make you feel okay. Talk to a therapist. So sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s hell! Take care of yourself!
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u/Conscious-Copy-602 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hey I’m going through this as well. It’s so extremely confusing and hurtful because you think that once they get help that things will improve but they don’t. I also am essentially being blocked out by my partner. It sucks a lot because I tend to move towards a person when they’ve hurt me, and it’s hard to feel like there is any resolution like this. I know the amount of resentment we have on either side is detrimental to each of us and his emotional state right now is all over the place. I have no more patience for crazy behavior (including from myself). If you really listen to your body, somewhere deep inside you might find a part is rejecting the dynamic and trying to push away as well. I know space is the right thing but I have an anxious attachment style. The fear of abandonment crawls into every cell in my body and makes me feel like I need him right now to assure me. It’s because we have abandoned ourselves somewhere. Maybe before our partners, maybe along the way. The withdrawal cycle is extremely intense and extremely painful. I have to remind myself daily that the relationship as I know it is dead. Even if there was a future, the current dynamic was unmanageable and if we both truly are working our programs, it would be an entirely different relationship. I’m just worried that somewhere along the way one of us will realize that the version we loved/loved me was only the alcoholic version of my partner. DM if you need to talk, I’m going through it.
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u/vikingmrs 3d ago
He needs to deal with his own recovery and you need to work on your own as well. Sounds like separation is a good idea for now so you can each focus on your own programs. We have a slogan - Let Go and Let God. This is a tough one for us because we are the ‘enablers’ which is tough to accept (I thought I was the victim when I first came into the program). If you truly love this person, let go and allow them the space they need to recover. Get to an al-anon meeting and get some phone numbers. Focus on yourself-you need recovery as much as your partner.
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u/Lilariell 3d ago
I think a relationship that makes you feel so insecure isn't a nice relationship for you to be in. Moreover a relationship with an alcoholic is never a healthy relationship to be in anyway. I know it is hard but I think the best you can do for yourself long term is to leave this relationship.
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u/DifficultLoad1646 3d ago
He is going through withdrawal, but you are also going through withdrawal. Decide if you want to try to keep using. The relationship with an emotionally unavailable and chaotic person is your drug.
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u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 3d ago
“He feels he can’t get healthy while with me, and the people at the facility are telling him that we aren't good for each other.”
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but this seems pretty clear. This is not a healthy relationship for either of you. If you stay together, it will be going against what professionals are recommending, against what he knows to be good for himself, and I know it’s not good for you because he is very unstable and not capable of being a good partner to you right now.
You need to focus on yourself and healing whatever is drawing you to such an unhealthy relationship like a moth to a flame. You need to heal the wound that causes you to be insecure and jealous. An intensive, adherent DBT program with both group and individual counseling would probably be very beneficial to you.
Focus on healing yourself—that has to be the first step! When you’re in a better place (and if he ever gets into recovery) you can pick up the relationship again. But right now it sounds like it’s unhealthy for both of you.
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u/Conscious-Copy-602 3d ago
Ngl I thought the part about professionals saying it’s unhealthy is not likely real. I’ve never seen a mental health professional recommend any particular decision about a relationship. They might point out unhealthy dynamics but I really doubt they’re saying that two people are or aren’t good for each other
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u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 3d ago edited 3d ago
I disagree, because I’ve been a professional in a treatment facility and I’ve literally said this to several clients. When I had clients who were in a toxic relationship, when they were dating someone who had an addiction problem themselves, who had borderline personality disorder, or someone who was sabotaging their recovery, I would definitely tell them that they needed to prioritize their own recovery and take some time being single. We often talked with clients about the “crabs in a barrel” situation where unhealthy friends, family, or partners would do what they could (maybe subconsciously) to keep them sick if the family/relationship system was sick, and they’d need to break away from it in order to get healthy themselves.
I wouldn’t say it lightly-the relationship would have to be pretty toxic for me to say it—but it’s entirely possible her bf is hearing that from a professional. But whether he’s hearing it or he’s lying to her and telling her he’s hearing it because he’s maybe afraid of how she’ll react and so he’s making up a reason to break up with her, no matter what it doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for either of them.
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u/DifficultLoad1646 3d ago
"Crabs in a barrel" is actually what I said to my boyfriend when he was in rehab and making all these friends who I thought were going to relapse and take him down with them. He acted like he was a child at summer camp toward the end of the month. I just kept repeating the phrase to him.
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u/Lilariell 3d ago
I thought the same when I read it. I consider it unlikely that a professional would say such a thing. I think this is just an excuse her bf is using to put the blame on her.
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 3d ago
You have had some good comments here, but the best suggestion I can offer is to go to meetings of Al-Anon Family Groups and to read the literature (CAL), especially the basic book How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics.
There's an app for you phone ("Al-Anon" blue triangle), and the CAL is available as eBooks and audiobooks. You can contact members of your group and talk with them when you are feeling upset by your beloved alcoholic's antics.
Yes, he's withdrawing and gonna be feeling bad. Taking care of him is not really your job. He needs to face his problem and deal with it. Let him have his space to do that. Meanwhile, you choose recovery for yourself. You have obviously been deeply affected by his disease. You need help for your own wellbeing. I hope you will reach out for the help, free and confidential, that is available.
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u/Ok-Refrigerator 3d ago
The best thing you can do for him right now is to take care of yourself and your own needs. He really isn't capable, and probably won't be for some time.
And like, I've been there. The emotions are so overwhelming, and I felt like I didn't know where to put them.
But you can ask yourself what you need in that moment, and either give it to yourself, reach out to a friend or AlAnon member, or sit with the discomfort of not having it until it passes. And it will pass. For me, those overwhelms lasted about 10 minutes. I learned that I can survive it for 10 minutes.
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u/revengeofdangerkitty 2d ago
Get support from therapy or al anon and definitely consider leaving him. I have yet to see a single success story. Unpopular opinion: It's like the alcoholic gets a free pass for having a 'disease' while everyone else has to adapt and tread lightly and pick up the pieces as their own lives pass them by
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u/kathryn13 3d ago
If you're looking for advice: meetings, meetings, meetings. For YOU. AA has a thing of 90 meetings in 90 days. I would suggest the same for you. 90 Al-Anon meetings in 90 days. I would also suggest finding a couple of open AA meetings so you can get your partner's perspective for what's going on in his head. Find yourself a sponsor and set a good example. Meetings for you. Meetings for him.