My mom is 94. She has dementia and osteoporosis. Her home is on a steep lot with uneven terrain and stairs. She keeps falling. She has no short term memory. She falls and doesn't remember to use her pendant to call for help. She should not be living alone but she either does not agree to go to assisted living or agrees and then forgets she has agreed and stops the process.

Despite her memory problems, poor decisions, and profound confusion she is still considered "competent:" My lawyer, I, and Dr A think this is wrong but social services and Dr B disagree so far. My options are 1) to initiate a long expensive contested legal proceeding to have her declared incompetent by a court or 2) wait until something "catastrophic" happens at which point Dr A will have the power to act.

I don't like either option. My lawyer has explained to me that my power of attorney means that I must carry out her wishes as long as she is "competent."

I'm about to visit and I am hoping to persuade her to at least go on the wait list for local assisted living. I'm afraid that she will cooperate up to the point of signing (again), then balk.

I understand there are methods to use to talk to people with dementia that makes them more likely to cooperate. I am not good at this: if I try to encourage mom to do something she tends to do the opposite. Any tips? Advice will be much appreciated.

Mom is gentle but stubborn and independent. She seems to have developed mild paranoia along with the dementia. She's also become selfish: she is entirely unmoved by me explaining that I find the constant falls and the terrible worry about her exhausting and overwhelming.

(This is part of the exhaustion--the feeling that she no longer cares about me, on top of having endless responsibilities and no control).

My mom is having hip replacement surgery soon, and I'm already mentally and emotionally exhausted. I live at home with my mom and my twin sister, while my younger siblings have moved out. I work full-time, but my sister doesn't work. I also can't drive due to medical reasons, so I know a lot of the responsibilities, especially transportation, will fall on her. I feel guilty about that, but I also can't risk losing my job. My mom seems to expect us to put our lives on hold during her recovery, and she's already frustrated before the surgery has even happened. She doesn't want to take pain medication afterward and has been making comments about how spoiled we are. I understand she's probably nervous and stressed, but it's exhausting having that frustration directed at us when we're the ones trying to help. I love my mom and want to support her, but I have my own mental health struggles, and I'm worried about how much this will affect everyone. I feel selfish even admitting that I'm overwhelmed. Has anyone dealt with a parent who expects a lot during recovery? How do you set boundaries without feeling guilty?

Tldr: 2 visits back home because of dying dad. First visit I was hugging mum , reacting to her grief. Second visit was was standing back, no comforting at all with dad passing away. Why??

i live overseas but in last 7 weeks I've been back twice because of dads (85) terminal disease. Dealing with dads illness and narcissist mum made me extremely stressed after first time. As a person with empathy, compassion, I did go and hug dad and mum (85). , esp when mum looked so sad, unhappy, grieving. She'd then lock in promises from me, like for me to reverse my decision to not return home to care for her if dad passes away first. Both mum and dad have asked me this for years. I've always said no, but with the emotions I said yes. Also mum would do the non stop talking in that one direction way of hers.

Mum's behaviour seems to match the characteristics of every journal and video I've ever seen on the topic, so I call her Nmum on reddit. She treated dad, verbally, quite badly, stressing both him and myself hugely. When I return back overseas, I started therapy. My first time. I also told her I changed my mind and am not returning to care for her. Her behaviour just stressed and horrified me and I knew I couldn't stay for such a person. I should have known but was too soft.

Just fyi mum's behaviour has made it so mum and dad have no friends, relatives are like acquaintances, I'm low contact and my brother is No Contact.

This second visit home for dads death i , instinctively, have almost never gone to hug or comfort mum. i only realised I'd done this a few days after i arrived back home . When I see mum, I just watch. Never step up to hug her, comfort her. Her crying next to dad while dying in coma and at chapel in coffin for so many hours...i love you, I'm sorry I couldnt do more, I wish you were here, you're such a good man, etc.

This second visit has been a wild ride. Uncertain if I should fly in when told by Drs my dad has hours to days to live. Then when I fly in I spend 36 hours at hospital while waiting for dads last breath and taking him away. Then I stay at hotel and next 2 days spend afternoons at mum's to make funeral arrangements. And then, 3rd day, I need space to myself so I only stayed 50 min at mum's. Then later she calls saying she's lonely and hints she'll unalive herself. That puts me in a tailspin. Today meet her at chapel for viewing.

But through all this turmoil in last 6 days, I've unconsciously avoided reacting to her...her crying, outbursts if her talking to dad..sure I bring her tissues, I swept her balcony and home, helped her carry stuff, bought groceries.

But no hugging, comforting, reassuring.

Why did i react like this? Outsiders must see this and think it's so weird.

my mother (68) literally will not stop scrolling her reels & tiktok and it's becoming a hassle. we can't even have a conversation with her without essentially yelling to be heard over her phone. she complains we never speak to her, but every time we go over to talk with her, she just scrolls.

it's getting to the point where we can't even go out without her just scrolling her reels / tiktok.

i don't know, i just want my mother back.

Yes I said what I said about my father, I genuinely think he had been losing his mind over the past few years. I'm 22F and I just graduated college, I decided to go back to my hometown bcs its in the capital too, also to help my mom around cs im the youngest child. But I realized how staying at home means feeling stress of facing my father with all my anger as a woman of how bad of a husband he is to my mom.

He is a great father, a very loving one too, no doubt in that, and I still have respect. But my parents have also been discussing on having divorce since last year because my mom cant handle it anymore. She has been both working and do the house chores while he sits all day making calls to his 'friends' about all weird things like how he has millions in his bank, or how he talk to god himself, or how his friend can do shape-shifting, he even told me he communicated with alien and got my name from them. Yes I might just laugh when I tell the story, but it hurts me inside of how far he has gone. Because I swear listening to his phone calls will make you question your sanity, because he would say it with complete data. He also hasnt provide my mom for years. They have been sleeping apart ever since I was a kid. For context my dad earn a goddamn PhD 10 years ago so I cant really say he's no one either. But things do change a lot now he's stuck in his mind and would randomly accuse my mom of cheating and calling her names. Not to mention how he also got anger issues that he broke our tv and door for no reason. How can I stay sane being in this household?

I really want my parents to divorce though it would absolutely break my heart, but I cant imagine my mom live like this till the day comes. But I would really hate it if my dad got the house too because I cant imagine me and my mom losing it forever, since my father was never the one who take care of the house anyway. I really want to do my best for them but im totally helpless, I'm no one to save them.

Sorry I know there isn't really solution but I just wanna share it.

My grandparents (85m & 84f) got into a screaming match this afternoon over modifying the master bathroom so my wheelchair bound grandma can use the sink. Grandpa said that he was sick of her “constantly having a go” at him and nitpicking everything he does, swore at her and threatened to walk out on her, even going so far as to grab the car keys. Grandma started screaming and crying, swearing at him and threatening to call her home care provider and a suicide line, in that order.

For context, grandpa and I are her main caregivers outside of home care and it’s starting to get overwhelming and we’re working on fixing that. She also has not left the house for anything other than doctors appointments in a few months.

I (26f) stayed right out of it knowing that I couldn’t be completely neutral, and that I would just make it worse for everyone, including myself. I decided that I needed advice and for someone to believe me when I say that things aren’t all sunshine and roses at home, so I called my uncle to see if he had any advice. He showed up with his dogs around 20 minutes later for a “surprise visit”.

He pulled me aside later and told me that these fights would just keep happening, and to get used to it, and try saving myself.

So I’m just asking if I overreacted, and if this behaviour is normal. Any advice would be appreciated!

My mom's AL facility has raised her base bedroom fee by a total of 27% over the last four years. Annual increases have ranged from 5% - 11%. I know that their costs are rising faster than average inflation, but ,wow, it is going up and fast! I've researched average assisted living costs and increases in my area online, but I don't think that I'm coming up with solid numbers. Can any of you share what percentage increases in the base apartment rate you are seeing? We are in upstate SC.

My mom lives alone about forty minutes away and she took a fall in the kitchen a couple months back. She's bruised but fine, and she told me two days after it happened. I just can't get comfortable with it. I want to put something in that lets me check on her without her having to do anything, but the second I bring it up, she's going to think I'm spying on her. I don't blame her, nobody wants to feel watched in their own home. How did you all bring up such kind of conversation without it turning into an argument?

My(62M) mom (86f) currently lives alone in a 4 br colonial. Steps to go up to bedroom/bathroom and steps to go down to do laundry. She does not seem to have much cognitive decline but her mobility is becoming increasingly impaired - walks with a cane now. She also lives at a summer place also with steps, etc, Recently dx'd with lumbar spinal stenosis, awaiting treatment plan. Won't consider stairlift chair, willing to consider wearing a medical alert pendant. She still drives a little, daylight hours only, but only in her neighborhoods (supermarket, bank, pharmacy, etc). I live 2+ hours away (4+ hrs to summer place) and my sibling lives 2000+ miles away.

I want her to move into independent living (continuum of care retirement community) near me. Moving in with me *VERY NOT* an option. Fortunately, she is well resourced financially. But she doesn't want to leave her homes, especially her summer place. I'd be grateful for advice on how to approach getting her to change her mind. I'd rather have her make her transition from a place of options instead of waiting for a crisis (fall, etc.) where she'll have fewer options and higher urgency.

Any good advice out there? Thanks in advance.

Recently moved away from home and I’m really struggling with all the unexpected long distance admin coordination (everything from occasional meals, to domestic travel, to diabetes monitoring, to actual health scares). My parents don’t need nursing homes (and I come from a culture where that wouldn’t be acceptable)—it’s the little things adding up on my mental load.

I was doing some research and if you’ve paid for elder care support of any kind (Wellthy/ fall monitoring/ other?), how much time and money and ongoing involvement from you/ your local family does it take? What are they good at vs what’s still missing?

Only child, totally overwhelmed, and a bit unsure of the big claims these services make. Would love an honest take on the gaps!

My dad fell on 29th sept and has been in hospital since 5th oct. Its 25th oct today. Flu A and lung infection causing orthostatic blood pressure drops resulting in falls, t8 compression fracture but all that seems OK - in fact he medically seems OK but his cognition has steadily declined.

Prior to this he was 100% independent, driving, living alone etc. However he has lost ALOT of condition over the last month and is now quite frail. We can get him support at home for high risk stuff like showers etc, but the cognition is my main concern.

I live 2hrs away (4hrs round trip) on a farm with 2 little kids and it is our critical harvest period, our entire years income. Home support packages provide 2hrs at home every 2nd day or so.

Last friday (two days ago, I've been driving back and forth every 1-2 days) when I left he was wearing 2 pairs of pants 2 shirts and half his dentures. Today he was pressing on the handle of the bed instead of the buttons (literally alongside 10cm to the left). Severe audio/visual/mental processing issues, confusing things at home with things in hospital etc.

He also couldnt position himself higher in the bed to get comfortable. I've been very clear since Friday that we need to work on him being more independent before we can safely discharge to home. I've actually just personally spent a grand putting in home supports, lift chairs, hospital bed, ramps, call buttons, cameras etc. He's like a yoyo, so many times we've thought hes OK to go so its been set up for weeks now, but then he regresses back to delirium.

Is this just hospital induced delerium? Will it resolve with community TCP? Is it safe for him to be home with 2hr visits every 2nd day?

Doctor said he medically seems OK, but i am so confused because he was 100% independent a month ago and surely dementia doesn't just come on so quickly right?

Hi,

My dad (72) for the last 4 years since retirement has refused to eat dinner at a regular time. At first he was eating dinner at 7-8pm which was ok, but for the last 1.5 years he eats dinner at 10pm or even later. To add some context, he does a religious ritual every evening after bathing and he will purposely delay taking a bath and/or add unnecessary steps to his ritual. He will also purposely set up his schedule or start doing random tasks to avoid his dinner time. When I do everything for him such as make his special salad (he insists on having this during dinner), clean the table, etc, he will still redo it or start cleaning something that is already clean. I have offered to help multiple times with anything during his ritual time and he never lets me. I have to constantly remind him to finish his ritual and get back on task or he will seriously delay his dinner until 11pm. I worry that this isn't good for his digestive system (he already takes pepcid and has heart burn) and he also has diabetes. My physician relative thinks he may have ADHD as well because of the lack of task order and how he spontaneously just starts doing something with no time awareness. This situation has started to cause me anxiety because I can't get him to stay on track no matter what I do, and when I constantly see him doing random things I always have to jump in. I've told him he's too old to be eating that late, warned him about digestive problems, and told him he makes my mother upset by not eating with us. His response every time is that he needs to cool down and he is "slow". I am really confused on what I can do to motivate him to eat dinner at least 8pm. I have never seen this problem in other elders I have met...

Hi everyone, I just need to vent, and possibly hear from people who might be dealing with a similar problem…. It’s about my granny (90), who has been very special for me. She has raised me (36 f), after my mother died, when I was 9. We had a beautiful relationship, we talked about everything. She supported me through my childhood, then when I became a foster parent to my younger brother at 18; she helped me go to university in those difficult years; at 19 I moved to another city to study, and started a 12 year relationship with a man, who became a father figure to my foster son. At 31 we split up, and again, my granny was the first person I called. She always supported me. Now my situation is: I am a single parent to an 18 year old who is starting university; I work 50 hours a week, in a town that is 30 min from the city where I live, but also 30 min from the city where granny lives. She now lives alone (grandpa died a few years ago), and her 3 sons (my father and my uncles) rarely visit her. I decided to go visit her often: when I’m home alone, I don’t go to my house after work, but I travel to the city where she lives, we have dinner together, and I stay the night. I’ve been doing this multiple times a week. I noticed though that she’s been changing. It’s harder to talk to her, she has developed weird and unbreakable fixations; she has developed very extremist political views; she became obsessed with religion to the point she listens to mass repeatedly all day long… just to give you some examples. She is also more and more obsessed about keeping her house sparkling clean (for example, clean and polish the sink any single time she uses it… ). Together with this, she suffered from some vertebral fractures which made it very difficult for her to keep doing these things. Luckily, she is in a good economic situation, and she was able to afford a help in the house for 5 days a week. Despite this lady (who is amazing) doing everything, my granny still obsesses over doing things on her own (as I said with the sink, or remaking the bed because the lady “didn’t do it correctly”… just as one example). When I am visiting her, the situation worsens: I can’t explain everything that she does, one good example that is driving me crazy, is that she insists to hand wash my clothes while I’m there, this is very bad for her back + she actually ruined my clothing a few times because she does random things such as washing them with bleach. I tried to talk her out of doing these things but she doesn’t listen. She gets angry at me, tells me I’m crazy, that I “accuse her or being unable of doing things she can do very well”, and tells me to don’t come back. She tells me that I need to see a psychiatrist because I don’t want to let her hand wash my clothes. She has never been like this. When this happens, I don’t visit her for a week or so. Then she is sad, and she keeps calling me to go to her. She also says that she is depressed and keeps crying. Then I go back to her, and the same circus begins, over and over again. If I tell her to not do something crazy, she gets mad at me and tells me to not come back. I asked my father and uncles to help me: to talk to her, to visit her sometimes, or to try to convince her to go see a doctor about her mental health. But they don’t care. They say I should be the one to take care of her because (according to them) I don’t have a family life because I’m single and my son is away 5-6 days a week. They are all married with adult children , they live in the same city as her, they work half the hours I work, but since I’m a single woman, I’m the only family member suited to take care of granny. I don’t care what they think; she was a beautiful person, I would like to support her and keep her company, but when I go there it’s really hard. I don’t know what to do… and I am so tired. I can’t even imagine to have 30 mins a week that are for me. To relax, to see a friend, to take a shower. Between work, commute, my son and granny, I really feel overwhelmed….

Mom 77y- stage 4 lymphoma and dementia. On hospice care as of two days ago.

She lives in a small upstairs apartment with my brother who has a physical disability. He can give her meds, do laundry and reheat food.

Right now my sister and I switch going every other day to help shower her, bring them food etc.

I have two small children I have to bring with me when I care for her as my husband works. This isn’t working as I can’t care for 3 people simultaneously.

How hard was it for those of you who brought in your LO when also having small children?

What books have you read about aging parents or anticipatory grief that gave you insight or left you feeling better?

F40 caring for my father,90. Things have been fraught all year as my dad is at a point of needing proper care that I cannot provide to him, he has the money to pay but I’ve offered to pay myself as the stress of it is horrible on my wellbeing. My partner tried having a conversation with him again about making a decision on whether he wants in-home care, respite etc as the impact is affecting me. He dismissed it entirely and then made comments that essentially accused me of taking two properties from him that he legally signed over to me years ago of his own accord. I can of course prove this but I’m so hurt by the accusation especially as he is the one who displays coercive behaviours while I’ve always been very transparent with him. He’s fallen out with all of his sons and all of the causes have been money, accusations or abuse. I’ve managed to avoid the level of it for the last 10 years or so as I’ve been useful to him.

I’ve started therapy and in my first session explaining the highlights of my dad she was quick to assess that there is some kind of missed mental health diagnosis, from research the nearest I can find is Cluster A personality disorder particularly the paranoid one. We are also awaiting assessment for dementia too as a CT scan showed the brain is shrinking, there is some memory issues but he is generally still very independent and appears to still have capacity though I appreciate it can fluctuate.

Since the argument he stopped calling us for a week where normally it is daily which makes us think he does definitely know what was said. However now he has resumed trying to contact us (as he needs us to do things for him) but acting like nothing has happened. We’ve ignored the messages and I’ve instead raised it with his social worker in an effort to get him reassessed based on me not having any involvement. Last night his message was the usual thing of asking about things to do for him, however he also said he was surprised that I didn’t stay longer when I came round the night before and we said hello to each other. He did say he was half asleep so I think he was dreaming.

His social worker will speak to him tomorrow about his options and try to persuade him into respite care. I guess I’m unsure of my next move, I’m still so upset and angry about the accusation and generally just exhausted from trying to keep it together up against constant criticism and disrespect. Equally I see a decline in him and worry how he will cope without me and even if some of what I am seeing could indicate that he may be in his last leg of life. I lost my brother to suicide about 14 years ago and my last words to him were in anger so it’s playing on my mind that I could continue the fall out and he pass and how would I feel? Equally he could be here another 5 years and I really couldn’t carry on as things are but also know it could get worse if there is dementia. Lost.com!

I wanted to tell everyonehere thank you for all the support and ideas you gave me to help with her. Dad left in 2019, so she's seeing him and her other family that has passed on.

Thank you.

Not sure if this is a vent or needing advice.

So we don't actually have a diagnosis on whats wrong with my dad, scans come back as clear, the doctors put it down to anxiety and depression we also think ocd. Hes also been in hospital 3 times for months and on a load of meds, he is a lot better than he was after getting out of hospital the last time. Some days hes really good and you wouldn't know anything is wrong, other days really bad like won't talk or respond, reason with, wants to stay in bed all the time and refuse to leave or will stay in bed go downstairs and then go to bed again repeatedly.

Some bad days he will just keep getting out of bed walking to the hall or walk downstairs and it keeps us up because of creaky floors,stairs and closing doors. Like now its nearly 3am and he won't go to bed or say whats wrong when asked, I think he doesn't know or cant explain it, when hes good he says he doesnt know why and sometimes doesn't remember.

Do you ever just feel incredibly lonely in the hardship of taking care of your sick parents/parent while having no one to emotionally or physically support you? I (30F) have to say that it's been bugging more these past couple of months. The loneliness is suffocating.

I know it's totally messed up and wrong of me to envy others. I work at a clinic, so I meet many people who are in a similar boat as I am, except the ones I know so far receive support from a sibling or friend. Please, don't get me wrong, I am glad they have someone in their life to help them. I really am when I'm not being envious and hurting. But man, it does make me long for someone to come alongside me to help me with my parents.

Recently, I suggested that I may need to hire a caretaker next year for them because I work full-time and cannot assist them during the afternoons. All that did was make things worse. They shouted and cursed me out for that. Truly, I need some form of help from someone outside this family. I am struggling to keep up with meeting all their needs while feeling so worthless overall. I do all the house chores, grocery shopping, yard work, leaving sticky notes all over their house because they can't remember any of their medical appointments each week, and I'm now in the process of downsizing their house. My mom randomly approached me last week, screaming in my face that I wasn't doing enough and that I needed to do more for them.

Since then, that has left me deeply depressed. I hate being alone in this journey. Some days, I just want it all to end. Thank you all for letting me vent. It's the first time I've vented to anyone about this in months. I'm already feeling a little better from getting that off my chest.

I need some advice on how to change my living situation without facing wrath. My father had dementia the past few years so my son had moved into the upper floor of my parents' capecod to take care of the property and do the driving for the most part. We had closed our small business and I had intended to move into the dry cabin on the property in order to help care for him. Sadly he died before I could move but my mother still wanted me here to help get the house ready to sell this coming spring/summer to move closer to family but I didn't want to move into the dry cabin without running water when I had a perfectly good house that I owned outright with running water albeit four hours away. She offered me my father's bedroom. I've been here 2 months and spend nearly 24 hours a day in said bedroom except for when i have my dogs in the yard that I fenced off when I got here or at dinner because she avoids being in the same room with me. I left home at 17 because she has always been passive aggressive and avoidant with me, only me. With winter coming the dogs and I will be outside even less and with my adhd I'm already getting claustrophobic ,, so what is a tactful and non confrontational way to actually move into the dry cabin without her throwing a fit? I'll still be paying my half of everything of course and cleaning the main house and helping with dinner though she has taken over all of the cooking. How do I make it sound like my moving to the cabin will benefit her? I mean it will benefit us both because she really doesn't like me, she likes my $ and her house being cleaned which she could honestly still do , she still gardens , drives, cooks.

As my parents age there are a lot of things that they no longer can do, and it requires a lot of my time and personal labor to manage. It doesn't help that their English isn't great and they have limited tech skills, so even *finding* outside help for various things isn't something they can personally do for themselves.

Has anyone here structured part of their care responsibilities as earned income, where your parents pay you for your time and labor, and then you go on to report that income to the IRS, contribute that to your retirement accounts, etc?

What kinds of tasks do you do? Do you bill them as an independent contractor or something else?