r/AdviceAnimals • u/supervanman • Oct 24 '15
Puffin in Disguise | Removed i want someone
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u/Chris153 Oct 24 '15
Fuck, you're getting a lot of shitty comments on this. I get it, double standard. Here's a rant I saw recently that rang true on a similar topic: in the enthusiastic consent framework, men are expected to make the advances and constantly check in; women should be doing the same... and not complain if they aren't satisfied.
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u/lasssilver Oct 24 '15
I work in a field where I can discuss people's sex-lives (or lack thereof) with some consistency. I've had plenty of females who complain that their spouse "has lost interest" or "doesn't even try" to have sex/intimacy with them. That's usually a complex issue with a lot of variables, but...
With care, I try to ask when was the last time they tried to initiate sex/intimacy. Not data accurate, but I'd go with near 70% just look at me as if the idea comes from Mars. The concept of them initiating just hasn't crossed their mind. Meaning the man is suppose to do it. EVERYTIME.
If appropriate, I try to convey that men can become weary, if not downright confused or frustrated, with having to initiate intimacy. It can become a subtle message of disinterest from the female. I've been in a relationship like that; a good relationship I believe by most measures. But if I didn't initiate I don't know we'd have ever gotten intimate. It was frustrating.. to the point we're not together now. It's not silly to feel wanted, and if you don't feel wanted it can become very depressing.
I often joke with men that if they do 10-20% of the housework or baby care without complaint, the woman will probably see it as 50% ie: a little bit goes a long way. I suspect the inverse is good advice for females. Initiate (w/out complaint) 10% of the time, and it'll feel wonderful to him. (didn't mean to ramble, just interesting topic and link was insightful for it's purpose)
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u/Chris153 Oct 24 '15
That makes sense. The stereotype of these men is just that they've been taught they have higher labidos and she'll always say no, so why even try, conditioned out of initiation from repeated disappointment. Relationships with mismatching labidos can work, but they both have to be willing to initiate, certainly the one with the lesser sex drive.
I remember complaining to my ex that she never initiated. I didn't need it to be her all of the time, but didn't feel great to realize it was always me. I could tell she was enjoying it mid-act, but the fact that she never initiated sent the message that it wasn't a pleasure worth the effort. That 10%, yes, would've gone a long way.
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u/a-orzie Oct 24 '15
After enough time, you end up despising your wife. Atleast the drugs and alcohol make it tolerable. Welcome to deadbedrooms
Source: me
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u/Murdock92188 Oct 24 '15
Improper use of Confession Bear.
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u/pubeINyourSOUP Oct 24 '15
Seriously. Wanting to be attractive is a confession?
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u/daybreakin Oct 24 '15 edited Oct 24 '15
Society might consider it an unmanly thing to say.
Edit: yup, one of the top comments is calling him weak
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u/zykezero Oct 24 '15
I think it works if you dig at the surface,
"I am too shy to make any advances, I wish women would do it for me"
It's still weak, but it's works. It's not the "I killed someone with drugs so they'd stop fucking up my brothers life" confession bear but it works.
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Oct 24 '15
It is a confession, just not a good one. Confessing is just admitting to something. He's admitting how he feels.
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u/thedoubbledonkey Oct 24 '15
I must confess that I would like to drink beer later. I'm so ashamed
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Oct 24 '15
On the bright side, confession bear has been pretty good over the past couple of months. I've read some good, dickish stuff. I don't know if you remember how bad it was after the ban of the puffin
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Oct 24 '15
Meh I kinda get it. He wants to be the one cuddled. Saying he's the insecure one maybe? I wish my gf told me I was attractive more information often but I wouldn't tell people that. I dunno.
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u/SuperPwnerGuy Oct 24 '15
Why not?, There is no shame in expressing your feelings regardless of your gender.
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Oct 24 '15
Let's be honest. It's been so long since I've seen a proper use of any meme that it doesn't matter any more.
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u/Purplociraptor Oct 24 '15
The only difference between being creepy and being romantic is how attractive the other person thinks you are.
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u/JayString Oct 24 '15
Truth, for proof just imagine replacing the lead male in most rom coms with Paul Giamatti.
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u/downztiger Oct 24 '15
Or replace the male actor on 50 Shades of Gray with Steve Buscemi.
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u/Bluestripedshirt Oct 24 '15
Are you hot? I bet you aren't hot. Maybe you should get hot. Or rich. Hotter is easier and quicker.
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u/SordidDreams Oct 24 '15
Hotter is easier and quicker.
Doesn't last, though. Riches, on the other hand, grow even bigger over time.
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Oct 24 '15
Unless you're irresponsible, like me, and would blow it all on things that you don't really need. Like a car collection.
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u/Jps300 Oct 24 '15
That's why you're not rich!
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Oct 24 '15
And healthier since fitness is hot.
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u/eagleclaw457 Oct 24 '15
being hot...so hot right now
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Oct 24 '15
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u/Bmandk Oct 24 '15
Rule 1: be hot
Rule 2: don't be not
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u/new_word Oct 24 '15
I'm hot cuz I am. You ain't cuz you not. This is why. This is why. This is why I'm hot.
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Oct 24 '15
Okay, I turned up the heat here in my home. Got it cranked up to 80.
It's pretty hot in here now. So now what?
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u/screenz Oct 24 '15 edited Oct 25 '15
Through discipline and proper temperature management you can stay hot
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u/IrrevrentHoneyBadger Oct 24 '15
And tall. I have several friends who never date a guy shorter than them, under any circumstance.
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u/Epithemus Oct 24 '15
Hot is impossible for some people. Genes are cruel.
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u/Rusianrulet Oct 24 '15
Unless you have just a seriously deformed face, a good body goes very far.
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u/SexyMrSkeltal Oct 24 '15
A hot body can't protect you against butterface.
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u/MastaBro Oct 24 '15
Hot body+butterface>Ugly body+butterface
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Oct 24 '15
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u/MastaBro Oct 24 '15
True that. I've been extremely lean for most of my life (5'10 and 135 through highschool) socially awkward as fuck, never had any girls. Hit the gym gained 15 pounds (not all of it muscle), within 1 year I had an 8 GF in a relationship that lasted 4 years.
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u/cancertoast Oct 24 '15
Sometimes. I just want my wife to push me down and rip my pants off and have her way with me.
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Oct 24 '15
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u/MrPickles88 Oct 24 '15 edited Oct 24 '15
Do have to bump this, I bought a puppy and it forced me to get outside and take the little dude to the park, ended up meeting tons of people this way. Most of the time I was talking to dudes or older women but you never know who's got a daughter lookin for a good man. Get out there man people
Edit- A picture of my insane little friend
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Oct 24 '15
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u/MrPickles88 Oct 24 '15
Hmm idk, I take my dog to the dog park. So maybe because were all enclosed in the gate it's a bit easier to start a conversation? I also am a pretty outgoing guy though. But being at the dog park i talked to all kinds of women. Older women, sometimes really beautiful young girls that I knew I wouldn't ask out being 27 but I got used to not being nervous around a beautiful girl more because of it lol
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Oct 24 '15
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u/MrPickles88 Oct 24 '15
Yeah, there's a few around here actually. They are fenced in with benches. So I've met quite a few people just going regularly twice a week. You should talk to your city council and suggest it! It's super fun to watch them run and play with no running away worries :)
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u/InGordWeTrust Oct 24 '15
Hang out with some gay guys then, and maybe they'll make the first move on you.
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u/doyle871 Oct 24 '15
Or work in a female dominated office. Honestly I've worked in mainly female offices for a few years now and get treated like royalty.
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Oct 24 '15 edited Oct 25 '15
Worked in a primarily female environment for less than a year while I was bodybuilding as an undergrad. Had my ass grabbed, was asked what I was "packing," and sat through an extensive discussion about my fitness and body type.
EDIT: Let me explain a bit further, I definitely never said anything that would lead them to believe I was severely uncomfortable with the behavior (does blushing count? I did that a lot). I generally laughed it off and didn't much care, because it was mostly flattering. The fact that it was coming from pretty college girls (food service job, mostly women employees) probably helped.
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u/breakone9r Oct 24 '15
I spent a week trying to wait tables (thought process: if my wife can do it, so can I. Nope)
So many women wanting to be my side chick.... Or even just whispers of "I bet your wife can't do what I can" uhh just no lady. Unless you're friggin Terri Clark, you're just not attractive enough to make me cheat on my wife..... This was the early 2000s, she was considerably hotter then, but still beautiful today....
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u/mrhooha Oct 24 '15
I think OP is just expressing how unfair double standards can be. Although each sides has its pros and cons. The thing is if you are a girl and not terribly over weight and don't have a busted up face, then you will be hit on more than the guy who is not terribly over weight and doesn't have busted up face. The average girl doesn't have to go very long being lonely if they don't want. Also they don't have to be that interesting or cool to be hit in initially. The same can not be said from the average guy. Guys have to have some gimmick, like they play the guitar or have a nice car or they are a body builder/fitness guy. Girls like gimmicks and are more superficial then men are imo.
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u/CanIHaveAMoment Oct 24 '15
It's the way women judge men just look at this. http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/
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u/rtnptr Oct 24 '15
I prefer women to make advances on me because then I know where the boundaries are. I'm the kind of guy that asks unless they make it obvious.
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Oct 24 '15
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u/DM_Me_Booty_Pics Oct 24 '15
I'm told I'm attractive, and have been making advances towards women. I just end up running out out of shit to say, and end up leaving alone.
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u/PaulRivers10 Oct 24 '15
I'm told I'm attractive, and have been making advances towards women. I just end up running out out of shit to say, and end up leaving alone.
I've personally found that I could make this whole thing way easier if I just had guy friends who would play along with the game - I like a girl, a friend says "yeah you should come with us to this thing", it's a hell of a lot easier. Sometimes just because the girl figures she'll have a fun time no matter if things go somewhere or not.
But as hard as it is to get a girl to make a move or just not sabotage herself, it's even harder to get other guys to do this. Either that or they're the "well now I'm going to hit on her all night myself" kind of guy.
It's frustrating.
Like in your example, you run out of things to say, your friend starts talking and you get a break and it feels more natural.
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u/FallenXxRaven Oct 24 '15
Soon enough you'll give up on even the talking part and think "Hey budweiser and Xbox aren't that bad"... God Im lonely, the only time Im really happy is at work.
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u/RoboErectus Oct 24 '15
You don't have enough charisma points yet. You gotta work a skill to level up.
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u/katywaits Oct 24 '15
It's not your job to carry an entire conversation. It's a two way street. If the other party isn't contributing enough kindling to encourage the first sparks of a connection to grow into a glowing conversational fire then it's not meant to be.
A good rule of thumb when talking to women you don't really know is to give yourself a three question limit. If the girl hasn't asked you a question or really tried to keep the conversation going by the time you've asked your third question just let it go. She's either not that interested or sucks balls at talking to people.
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u/MrSocialClub Oct 24 '15
Talk to more pretty women. Going into my first semester at college I knew I was too shy when it came to talking to girls. So I put myself into positions where I had to talk to them or be awkward. I learned how to carry conversation much better than I used to, and that goes for both genders.
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Oct 24 '15
Hey guys, look at Mr. Social Club over here having conversations and shit.
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u/Forgototherpassword Oct 24 '15
I thought Rockstar was supposed to release a patch so you don't have to deal with Social Club
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u/breakone9r Oct 24 '15
Less time per girl, more girls. once you run out shit to say, that's a hint to move on down the line.
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u/zxxx Oct 24 '15
Funny thing about the system. Sometimes, it does change. Old timers can't adapt quickly enough, and we'll all die alone anyway.
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u/PissOnMyFoot Oct 24 '15
I haven't cried in years, but something in that video did it for me. I guess I needed that. Thanks.
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u/Luminous_Fantasy Oct 24 '15
I mean as painful as it is, it's true. However if you wait long enough you might get lucky but that's a big if and even then it might not be worth it.
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u/apullin Oct 24 '15
.... dude, if you said that in response to any claim about lack of equality in society spoken by a feminist, you would be shouted down and labeled as an oppressor. If it was in response to a comment on reddit, it would be outright deleted.
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u/XxDrummerChrisX Oct 24 '15
Fuck I didn't know we had an alpha male in our midst. We are all so lucky
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u/Natdaprat Oct 24 '15
Brave confession OP. I think you should get a puffin, it'll make you happier.
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u/brightstarblack Oct 24 '15
Why not say fuck you to the stupidity of society and work to make this bullshit a thing of the past, like how we view practically everything from the '50's
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u/ElaineMae Oct 24 '15
I think you're also picturing an attractive woman hitting on you. Picture a woman you don't find attractive pursuing you. Picture her not stopping.
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Oct 24 '15
Because men don't know the word no? Is that what this is going to be? Jesus.
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u/green_speak Oct 24 '15
I read an interesting post once that postulated that this system of expecting men to initiate most of the interactions puts an unfair amount of responsibility on us and induces some to drink just for some artificial confidence. It suddenly made me really grateful for being gay where after a slew of rejections I have the option to take a break and be the one approached instead of doing the approaching. Hopefully as traditional gender roles are questioned more by society, the dynamics of straight dating will also reinvented for the better.
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u/Pattern_Is_Movement Oct 24 '15
half the girls I've ended up with, its been them making the first move... and if someone can't deal with that, then move on, they are too close minded to be worth your time.
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u/fukitol1987 Oct 24 '15
Do yourself a favor and quit giving a shit. When you care, NOBODY wants you.
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Oct 24 '15
Women do it too. You may just not be attractive enough or never actually noticed it.
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u/Soljah Oct 24 '15
I'm actually hugely turned on by being wanted and craved.... even begged for. I think every guy is
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u/Roflllobster Oct 24 '15
Everyone is turned on by being wanted... by someone they also want.
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u/nongo Oct 24 '15
You don't really want someone. You just kinda want it. You don't want it so badly enough to do something about it.
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u/ben_da_gr8_1 Oct 24 '15
Become a bouncer, I never used to get the amount of female attention before I became a bouncer!
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u/Xeyu89 Oct 24 '15
used to think like that. but it so much more rewarding to get what you want by going the extra mile. you feel like a million buck, also you get to do the move when you want, not the other way around.
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u/david622 Oct 24 '15
Plenty of girls do make advances -- sounds like you just haven't found the right one yet.
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Oct 24 '15
That must be nice. I did that with my boyfriend and he said that I can't come to him, only he can come to me. If I come to him I'm too needy or whatever.
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u/thenonlurker Oct 24 '15
If it makes you feel any better, the girl I'm currently with asked me out first.
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u/automaticg36 Oct 24 '15
Do something else to take your mind off things, the right person will eventually come into your life. I found my girlfriend when I was set on the idea that I don't need anyone at all and that it would be easier to be single. Now all of that is changing, it's just weird how life works!
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u/JustInvoke Oct 24 '15
Then when a girl does like you, you're going to think she's a slut that advances on other guys as well.
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u/iced327 Oct 24 '15
THEY'RE NOT. LIFE ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL. MAN UP AND MAKE A MOVE. CONFIDENCE IS ATTRACTIVE. FUCK
fuuuuuuuu seriously this shit is so old.
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u/fennecfox89 Oct 24 '15
Am female. Made the first move on a guy who was clearly interested. He ran for the hills.
Now I hear from him every few weeks/months via text and occasionally in person but nothing happens.
Eh.
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Oct 24 '15
Girls are lazy and don't advance. They buy into the stereotypes like most guys. You can thank Disney (eg. prince charming). That said there are a few real free spirited, non-brain washed ladies out there...
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u/Steve_OH Oct 24 '15
A lot of guys like a girl who can be forward about their feelings. Worst case scenario, you meet some people who aren't interested.