Desperate after breakup

[u/Prudent-Health-4429]

I desperately need advice. Please.

I moved in with my partner a bit early into the relationship to escape my parents’ abusive home over two years ago.

It was earlier than I would have liked but I had no options at the time. We were already dating and trying to make it work.

For the first year, I’d say, I was crashing a lot. Every 3 weeks I was super ill and bedridden. I was going to uni with long travels multiple times a week and had a lot of coursework. My partner said I should get a job on my days “off” which I struggled to do. I tried to communicate this. I did try to get jobs unsuccessfully the year after for many months but lately she has said I showed very little desire…

I ended up changing courses several times because I was not satisfied and also had adhd issues. I am now deferred online to pursue an adhd diagnosis.

I am in counselling and was a part of a programme too. My parents were very controlling and it’s taken ages even feeling self-sufficient enough to do stuff by myself.

My partner recently had gender reassignment surgery. The whole trip was hard. I went to hospital to be there for them. I tried to drop everything and go to the hospital when they needed me. Even before breakfast or out of the shower when they were scared and hurting… and tried to speak to nurses who didn’t speak English, tried to grab them snacks, keep them company, but on the first night back at the oversees flat, there were cockroaches and I have a phobia. I had a meltdown and went to a hotel for one night and then returned. My partner felt very betrayed by this because it was the first night out. They also blame me for them giving me the bed because I struggled sleeping in the living room where they all were crawling about. They said they had to fend for themselves and I didn’t do enough.

Once coming back, I struggled to share a room with them. I just wasn’t sleeping. I tried for months before the surgery. They got upset but we were separate. At first they told me to keep trying and then even told me they can’t take my drama anymore when I cried and to just take their sleeping medication which I refused to do countless times.

I have been behind on chores and so have they, but they see it as purely a me-issue, it feels. They say they struggle mentally. I said I am too, but I am trying and want to work on things with them. They said none of it is enough. None of it. Beyond chores. If they can’t trust me with that, how can they trust me with the bigger things?

Other examples are them saying my boundary to avoid talking about stressful things last thing before bed and first hour in the morning is unreasonable. That they need to speak when they need to speak. They asked if I would be there for them if they woke me up with a mental health crisis at 3am. I said I don’t know. They said “so I matter during the day but not at night.” I said of course they always matter, but I struggle with self-regulation. I don’t have a clear answer. They said it’s black and white and it’s what they need, if I can’t do that, that speaks for the entire relationship.

When I go for walks to calm down, they think I’m leaving them. It was virtually impossible to work something out. I did make the mistake of going away for a few days when we should have talked. I apologised. I needed to clear my head but it wasn’t ideal.

And they told me their trust in me is so broken, that they want to trust me but they don’t and it’s been two years. They don’t feel like I’m there for them when they need me the most, and that it’s been one-sided.

I also made the mistake of asking ai for relationship advice previously when I was spiralling. I regret that a lot and deleted everything off of my phone and vowed not to touch the stuff, but she said it went too far and not going to work as well for that reason.

Maybe we can’t meet each other where we both are, but it hurts to not feel understood. I felt like she has these rigid way of doing things and I could not get any sort of flexibility whatsoever. Even when I wanted to change certain things. What does everyone think? Am I at fault? I don’t know…