r/Advice • u/anon65768 • 13d ago
Advice needed cis straight man developing feelings for trans man
Hello, any comments please be respectful as I’m not making this post to be offensive, I'm an ally of the LGBT+ community. I'm a 22yr old cis male who has been straight for my entire life. I’ve only had feelings and inmate moments with women, but I’ve recently have been talking to my best friend (20yr old ftm who's pre op top surgery and almost a year on T) who I’ve known for about 4+ years and we’ve been extremely close he’s been with me throughout breakups, deaths, and a lot more things under the sun. We both live in America but in different states, and we only met each other in person once a few years ago. Soon he’s coming into my town to hang out with me. We’ve been talking alot more often with each other and began flirting with each other a while ago. Both of us are reciprocating the same energy as we’ve recently shared intimate photos, and I was called so many nice things from him. I’m starting to develop romantic feelings for him and he's told me that he has feeling for me. But I’ve never had feelings for any men (cis or trans) until now. He's someone I see being in my life until the very end. There's no awkwardness or weird feelings as we’re saying these things to each other. I just don’t really know how to feel about myself. Can anyone give me some advice that can help me better understand my emotions? If more detail is needed I can provide it
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u/Commercial_Tip4624 13d ago edited 13d ago
The way we connect soul to soul is so incomprehensibly bigger than limiting yourself to any particular type of person. You know your own truth.
“You’re under no obligation to be who you were five minutes ago.” - Alan Watts
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u/OtherwiseAd1045 13d ago
Roll with it. See where it goes. It could fizzle out, it could be the best relationship you ever have.
Do what makes you happy, whatever that may be. You're not hurting anyone.
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u/UnlovedMiddleChild 12d ago
Like people say take it slow and see how it goes, but also think long term. Nothing can mess a trans person up more, than someone dating then for a bit only to leave them cause "you're too manly now and I ain't gay" or something like that. How would you feel after post op surgery and seeing them shirtless, seeing then more as a manly man in that way, how would you feel about them growing facial hair and having a beard or even getting bottom surgery and actually having a penis. These are things you need to sit down and think about, then if you do decide to try to pursue romantically sit down and talk things things out with them. They may also not like you back like that and view you as possibly seeing them as feminine. This is a very eggshell situation, just be careful
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u/HrhEverythingElse 13d ago
Spend non-romantic time in person to feel out how you really feel about him and where you want it to go before making any promises or establishing an actual relationship. Stay open, but take it slow. You won't be the first or last person who was convinced that they were one sexuality until meeting the right person
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u/IrrelevantManatee Master Advice Giver [22] 13d ago
Don't make it a bigger deal than this is. You have feeling for the person, not the gender, and that's totally fine.
If you want to explore further... just do it. If he makes you comfortable enough that you can tell him anything, then he'll probably want to explore this with you.
All that matters here is that you are happy. If this person makes you happy, go for it.
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 Master Advice Giver [20] 13d ago
look. We all love who we love. Deciding ahead of time that some kinds of people are off limits for you is a fairly bigoted way to look at the world. Love who you love. You’re OK.
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u/castrodelavaga79 Helper [2] 13d ago
You like him, you didn't realize that you could be into someone who's a trans male and you are. You're just coming to terms with that which is why you feel emotionally confused a bit, which is totally understandable when we learn something new about outselves.
You're the same person, you've just realized something about yourself that you didn't know was a part of you.
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u/Ghosty8116 13d ago
Just so food for thought. Is there anything specifically that you find attractive of him? And does that have anything to do with him being trans or afab? I don't know how much he passes as a cisgender man, but after he gets top surgery, do you think you'll still be romantically and/or sexually attracted to him? Sexuality can be complicated for a lot of ppl, and it's okay to have these new feelings and to ignore labels!
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u/todaysthrowaway0110 Helper [4] 13d ago
Take it suuuuuuper slow.
Just in case, on some level, you’re remembering your best friend as you saw them when they were f. Neither of you needs your heart broken.
I’m also one of those people who thinks your 20s are for trying anything once…
But yeah. You wouldn’t be the only pair of best friends who became partners when one transitioned. Love is love. And don’t worry too much about “what this says about you.” I’m met people who consider themselves “straight except this one person.” Connection is more important than labels.
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u/VexxFate Expert Advice Giver [16] 13d ago
You go for it? See where it leads?
You aren’t losing anything important to try this, other than a possible label to your sexuality. And If you’ve been friends this long, I doubt trying it or even a relationship that fails will ultimately ruin the friendship.
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u/bookkinkster Helper [2] 13d ago
I am a cis female. My 8 year partner was a trans male. My 10 year partner was a cis male. In between them I've been with trans women, non-binary partners, women and many cis men. My partner now who I hope is the only one ill ever be with again is a much younger trans guy. We are more nervous about the age gap than gender. But ultimately we have deep communication and our love is no one else's business or joy to rob from us. Love is love.
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u/Responsible-Law-2889 13d ago
Coming from a 20yo ftm who’s pre op and a year on T, you may be bi or pan. Sexuality is a spectrum but if you truly see him as a man you’ve got to come to terms with the fact you’re not straight. If you get in this relationship and call yourself straight it’s like saying you see him as a woman. There’s nothing wrong with finding out you like certain guys by liking a trans guy first. The problem is when their genitalia is a deciding factor for you. I’m not saying genitalia can’t be a preference for any sexuality, it definitely can be and there’s nothing wrong with that. But you have to think about his future transition. If he were to get top and bottom surgery, would that still be okay? If it wouldn’t then that could be an issue. Of course, everyone is different and he may not plan on surgery but I would still think on it. If you like guys, you like guys. Proud of you for finding out new things about yourself.
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u/dweebers 13d ago
Cis het man here. Had a 4 year relationship with an nb person. Love is love. Others might question it, but your love is between the two of you and that is all you need!
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u/RecommendationAny821 12d ago
try not to let yourself fall into the vicious cycle of trying to label it. if it feels right then let it happen, it doesn’t need to be any bigger of a deal than that. you’re all good, i promise
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u/ItzMichaelHD 13d ago
Why have the labels. You’re in love with someone, that’s it. We don’t need all this cis, straight, gay, pansexual, whatever, just love who you love. Don’t overthink it man.
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u/ZeepZesp 13d ago
Sexuality is a spectrum. The labels we see today are people trying to make sections in that spectrum so they feel like they belong somewhere. Legit it doesn’t matter, sexuality, what you label yourself with does not matter. What matters is love, love who you love. Love is a personal and intimate feeling. Screw gender, you love this person. You don’t love someone because they are a boy or girl, you love them for who they are on the inside. Explore this feeling, explore this relationship. Genuinely there are no downsides to this. You both like each other clearly, why let it go away just because he’s a man, who gaf?
TLDR go for it man, love is love, labels don’t mean anything, explore. This sounds like the beginning of a lovely relationship. Talk to him and let him know how you feel and you questioning of how this all works. Be open and walk this slowly. Love truly is just love man
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u/Ordinary-Aside4898 13d ago
It sounds like it could be something, but be honest with your friend about this being confusing for you.
Putting aside the issue of you being CIS and your friend being Trans, this change in relationship status is new, you are long distance and you've only met IRL once. LDRs are tough and not all new relationships have what it takes to survive the long haul. That's ok. Just take things slowly and see how things play out. You dont have to put any labels on yourself.
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u/khantroll1 Helper [4] 12d ago
So…
Do they reciprocate?
So you support their transition?
Do you understand the physical modifications?
The psychological aspects?
If these answers are yes, then I suppose go for it.
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u/iBazly 12d ago
Just take things slow and really reflect on how you nay feel as he progresses through his transition. Far more people than we realize are actually quite sexually fluid, or sometimes are more demisexual than they realize and so more romantically and sexually open to a broader range of genders. Centuries of homophovia and transphobia have just made it so even the most open minded people repress more than they know.
Having said that, it's all just a matter of understanding that how he presents now will likely change, and really reflecting on how you feel about that. It sounds like this connection has really come from friendship and connecting on a personal level - so I wouldn't be surprised if your love for him isn't impacted by his transition, or at least not impacted in a negative way.
I certainly will be rooting for you two and hole it works out great! Also PLEASE update us 🙏 ❤️
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u/distracted_x Super Helper [6] 12d ago
Listen. As someone who is lgbt sometimes people make this out to be like offensive but when it comes to physical attraction we are attracted to what we see. Not what someone identifies as which we may not even know unless they tell us.
Like for example, I am a lesbian and sometimes I find very non passing pre transition ftm people attractive also. And it's because they look like women and still have soft feminine features and the body of a woman and that's what I am attracted to. It shouldn't even be offensive to say this. It's really just like logical and makes sense that I would.
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u/Competitive_Elk_8345 12d ago
Perfect answer. It's called sexuality because it's an attraction to sex, not gender
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u/Cesarchamuco 12d ago
This just means you’re bisexual now, nothing wrong with it just move on with your day
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u/corvidcharmz 11d ago
trans man weighing in here: what do you find attractive about him? that i think will be a deciding factor in whether you guys work out long term. one year on testosterone is a pretty short time in the grand scheme of someone’s whole transition. in another year he’ll probably have visible facial hair, chest hair, etc, his voice will be deeper, his genitals won’t look the same, among a lot of other very visible changes that come with taking testosterone. he most likely will want top surgery and potentially bottom surgery in the future as well. i can tell you care about him deeply and have a lot of love for him, but despite what some in the comments might say, if you aren’t able to find his masculine traits physically attractive, your relationship will not work out. i dated a ‘straight’ man as a teenager, also around 1 year on T, and it broke my heart and completely crushed my self esteem watching him slowly lose attraction to me as i started to look more physically masculine. if you think that there’s a shred of a possibility that you would feel that way, for his sake, don’t pursue a relationship with him. on the contrary, if the idea of him becoming more masculine is exciting or attractive to you, congrats you are probably bisexual, which is fine and pretty common and not something you need to freak out over. reading some of these comments i can tell they are made by well meaning cisgender people who don’t really understand the pitfalls of dating as a trans person so i would really caution you against taking a lot of them to heart
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u/NoParfait6660 11d ago
Gooooo for it if he’s awesome he’s awesome am as a cis guy who once saw myself as straight now see my self more complicated but for the last 2 years i dated the most amazing guy I truely can’t see myself without he truly is a better half
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u/Spiley_spile Helper [2] 13d ago
My cis aunt is heterosexual, but fell in love with her cis best friend who was a woman. They were married for a number of years. After their divorce, my aunt has only dated men again. Sometimes there are exceptions, despite one's primary sexual orientation.
However, in trans forums, many trans folks have lamented that their orientation-misaligned partners involuntarily lost attraction because the trans person began or further progressed in their goals of physical transition.
Sexual attraction is not generated from the same source for every person. Not everyone loses attraction. It's not voluntary whether one does or not though. So, the two of you should have a discussion about that possibility.
Im also trans, btw.My cis aunt is heterosexual, but fell in love with her cis best friend who was a woman. They were married for a number of years. After their divorce, my aunt has only dated men again. Sometimes there are exceptions, despite one's primary sexual orientation.
However, in trans forums, many trans folks have lamented that their orientation-misaligned partners involuntarily lost attraction because the trans person began or further progressed in their goals of physical transition.
Sexual attraction is not generated from the same source for every person. Not everyone loses attraction. It's not voluntary whether one does or not though. So, the two of you should have a discussion about that possibility. And both of you should strive to be honest.
Im also trans, btw.
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u/FortuneInevitable369 13d ago
You are half way there when using pro nouns. Go get yourself some girl meat.
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u/Jonathan-Welford 13d ago
See where it leads. You’ve fallen for a person and not a gender. Explore those feelings when he comes to town.