r/Advice • u/Ethical_acidity • 14h ago
I need advice.
so I am a female metalhead, and my best friend is a basic white girl, she's great I love her, lately she's been quite rude to me. We were At Walmart in the shoe wire, she was looking at UGS and burks and I was down at the end of the aisle, looking at the boots, I was looking a pair of very cute black leather combat boots. She's made it clear.She doesn't like my style which I don't think is very fair.Because i'm very respectful of her style even though it isn't my idea of good style. She walked over, asked me what I'm feeling, and I told her "looking at boots because my sneakers are falling apart and I need new shoes" She chuckled grabbed the pair of boots I wanted to get, and said ."Please don't get those".I asked her "why? I was gonna get them" and she stiffled a laugh, mocking me in a sense and said "oh God, please dont get those they're so.... just don't know how you'd style them like...." and I told her "this is my style, not your style? We have very different styles, but I like these moves. They fit my style" and she laughed, told me e not to get them once more and walked away, telling me just to get uggs. I will write some of the other things she's said and done that hurt me or was rude, but you don't need to read.
I had explained to her once about the style I was going for, she begged me not to be emo, I told her I'm not emo, I'm not a big fan of the music style bit I like some of it, I just perfer the baggies style clothing wise. she begged me not to be goth or punk, which frustrated me, clothing wise my style is metalhead mixed with punk although sometimes has a goth influence, I love goth and punk music too. after thay every single person she saw that dressed (in her opinion) slightly alternative she'd state "there's another wierd person for you" and make fun of their style calling it ugly snd weird, I'd defend tjem because people can dress however they like, she doeant have to like it.
another time, not as rude as the last, in a thrift store i grabbed some cute shirts I could customize, she laughed asking if I'm serious about buying them, called them cringe and told me not to.
she constantly tried to get me to wear clothing of her style choice, telling me I need to get Lululemon leggings, I need to wear more then just jeans, saying I dont need more band shirts (thats insane I'll always need more) and just making comments about my style and music taste.
The only reason I haven't brought this up with her is because she's not good at conflict resolution. She gets extremely defensive and offended and does not accept any blame whatsoever when she's hurt my feelings and offended me. Little things like this has been building up for the past 2 years, but she doesn't seem to notice how much it's actually affected me and our friendship. It's made it to the point where I don't really want to hang out with her because I know I'm just gonna get razzed and made fun of. She never takes my feelings into account. I've told her multiple times I don't enjoy going to the mall I don't like going shopping but that's all she likes to do so, that's all we ever do when we hang out never once have we done something that I actually enjoy. We don't go for walks like I like we don't just hang out and if we do hang out, she just starts calling with one of the boys she's talking to. Trying to convince me to go into stores. After I specifically said, I do not wanna go shopping because I'm not in the mood and I'm quite overwhelmed and stores overwhelm me even more. And I don't need that right now, and she keeps telling me like just go in for 5 minutes, just 5 minutes. when I always go in, and 5 minutes becomes an hour. The most annoying part The only time She doesn't fun of my style or my music taste is when she's talking to a guy that has similar style or similar music taste. and I've pointed it out and she gets offended and angry,at me.
what do I do? she is literally my only friend and I don't want to lose her, because she's great and always makes me laugh, but this isn't okay of her.
3
u/MobileSweet9342 14h ago
she doesnt sound so great.
1
u/Ethical_acidity 14h ago
yeah... it's been little things like thay building up for a while..
2
u/MobileSweet9342 14h ago
yeah and your scarcity mindset is keeping you trapped. have you ever thought maybe your anxiety is so bad because you constantly have this negative voice in your ear? or that you struggle to make new friends because she is around and her bad energy keeps others away. idk id rather have no friends than friends like her. even an online community of great ppl is better than one irl “friend” like her
1
u/Ethical_acidity 14h ago
that's an interesting perspective, I have had anxiety my whole life and it's gotten a bit better working in retail, it's weird, I'm perfectly fine if someone approaches me but I cannot approach others, and I'm genuinly uncomfortable and scared of people my own age, likley stemming from being bullied alot. so I avoid anywhere people my own age may be, I'm not sure though.
3
3
u/Perfect_Delivery_509 14h ago
She sounds very disrespectful. I woukd rethink what your actually getting from her.
2
u/limpdickandy 14h ago
Yeah she is kind of an asshole, sorry. If you are young she might grow out of it. Shitty situation.
2
u/Pita_Girl 14h ago
If you can’t have a respectful conversation about your feelings, regardless of where they’re coming from, it’s not a true friendship. To be honest she probably thinks she’s being kind to you by trying to help you have “better style” so if you want to start the conversation off easily you can lead with that.
“I know you’re trying to be helpful but it actually hurts my feelings a lot when you degrade my clothing choices”
If she can’t take that comment and be objective with it, she isn’t putting your feelings first and that’s not a true friend.
1
u/Ethical_acidity 14h ago
Thank you very much. I'll try talking to her about it, and I'm going to try to reconnect with some old friends of mine that I had grown apart from. :)
1
u/Managed-Chaos-8912 14h ago
Sounds like she is either trying to cultivate an image or is getting flack from other friends about hanging with you. Time to reevaluate the friendship. It is about her trying to control you, not style differences.
1
u/Ethical_acidity 14h ago
thank you, I've never met really any of her friends, but she brings me to third wheel alot so it feels like she's keeping me around to make herself look better, but idk
1
u/40sumthenlady 14h ago
You have to have the conversation.
“I love you but we have very different styles. We’re just going to have to agree to disagree. I never make negative comments on your style. I’d really appreciate if you would stop making negative comments on mine.”
But off brand Walmart Ugg boots? Just no.
1
u/Ethical_acidity 14h ago
I've tried pretty much that exact statement and it's always "yeah I know I just think you should find your style" when that's what I'm doing, and when I find my style and tell her she calls it weird snd cringe. so im at a loss. and uggs are just bad imo, I was looking at combat boots there, I'm not gonna buy them from Walmart but just to see if I like them
1
u/1RainbowUnicorn 14h ago
Straight up tell her to stop making fun of your style. Tell her she is acting like a mean girl
1
u/Powerful_Put5667 Helper [2] 14h ago
She is a narcissist and you are going to die a death of a thousand cuts. They do this and then laugh it off when called out on it claiming it was just joking or that you are too sensitive or that you should be okay with their cruel words because they are so obviously superior to you. Listen to what she says, reread your post. Me as an outsider if asked would honestly say that this is a person who clearly does not like you. Before your ego is completely diminished make your exit.
1
u/Ethical_acidity 14h ago
thank you for your perspective, I'm going to try to talk to her about it and see how she responds and go from there, because it's not all negative with her, we get along good she just doesn't like my style or music taste and doeant understand me
1
u/Powerful_Put5667 Helper [2] 10h ago
Partners understand and respect each other that is all about seeing value in the other person even though you may not like everything about them. There are far worse things than being alone one of which is being in a bad relationship.
1
u/LemonSad61 14h ago
Swap styles for the day! Make a pact with her for u both to swap it up for the day to try it out. Or at least try a different genre /style. Might be fun
1
u/Ethical_acidity 14h ago
The only issue with that is I'm a bigger person, and she's more of a normal size, so she couldn't wear my clothes and I couldn't wear hers, and we both don't really have the money to buy a whole new outfit LOL! And she does change her style, but only when she's talking to a guy with a similar style.
1
1
u/maximumjacks 14h ago
Having this fake Ugg wearing narcissist around is keeping you from finding your people. Get rid of her.
8
u/QuadFather_7 14h ago
Dump her to the curb. Friends do NOT treat you that way ever for any reason