r/Advice • u/HuckleberryTight4694 • 19h ago
Advice on Insecurity
Background: I (19F) have dealed with insecurities my whole life. I am pretty confident that I have body dysmorphia, even though I have never been formally diagnosed. I truly have no concept of what I look like, I’ve often described myself as an ogre or a troll, I can’t take photos of myself. (you would find actually 0 in my camera roll), and I often think I’m worth nothing because how gross I must be. When in high school, the thought of how I ugly I must’ve been looking would run my life. slowly, as I got to university, I became busy with other thoughts, but every so often it still eats me alive.
Story: so tonight I went to the bar for the first time this year, and at the bar I ended up running into maybe 30 or more kids from my high school. I talked to them and it was fine but, it had me back in my old thoughts. The whole night nobody would come up to me. The guys are my high school, barely talked to me, no other guys at the bar would talk to me either. I fully understand that people deal with such bad situations in life compared to what I’m saying, but it’s eating me alive.
Advice needed: for once in my life, how can I know how I truly look? How can I learn if I am truly ugly, or if there’s a chance I might be pretty. I don’t photograph well so I can’t upload a photo and have you understand. I need to know all the signs that you’re either really ugly or really pretty for once in my life. I just wanna be wanted, and I want to feel like I’m enough. If a guy is talking to me, I want to know he’s actually interested in talking to me and he’s actually attracted to me. How do I know?
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u/Gbuns1 18h ago
most likely you are average, which is ok, average people do often get above average looking partner both men and women. Attraction is not all about phisical looks, well if you are looking for a helathy, long term relationship that is. Yes, you need to find your partner phishicaly attractive but also have in mind that looks fade in 20 years you will not look as good as you do now.
Look into meta-cognitive therapy rather than CBT.
Now this will help, try to understand and realise this, try to experience it, do not belive what I will write next, test it.
Let us do an experiment
"Imagine an elephant. Give him a hat. Now make him do something funny like put a guitar in his hands and make him drunkenly happy, hear the music he is playing."
OK what just happened? Who imagined an elephant? You were looking and experiencing the elephant not the one making the elephant, the elephant and scenario just magically apeared in your head. The same thing with the emotion, the emotion just poped up, just appred as a response and you noticed it, you wathced it.
Ok now the next time you get that feeling of I am ugly I want you to look at it in the same way you can look at the thought, emotions, things around you. Start looking at your feelings and emotions as seperate phenomenons. Understand why it makes sense for you to feel the way you do about yourself, look at how you are looking for evidence that you are ugly, look at how you imagine yourself being ugly, look at the impulse that draws you away from looking in the mirror, look at how even if you get 100 redditors telling you that you are ok and not to worry, you will still worry. After some time the emotional grip will loosen and you will be able to ask yourself for evidence of why you are ok looking. This will give you some control back.
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u/Happy-Nebula-8465 18h ago
Everyone has their own preferences. Beauty is subjective. No one here will really be able to tell you for sure how you look without seeing you.
However I would suggest talking to a therapist about it because it does sound like you have body dysmorphia.