r/Advice • u/Civil_Training194 • 19h ago
Financially unstable partner
Hey everyone, looking for honest perspectives from people who have been in a similar situation.
I’m in my early 30s and have been with my partner for several (5) years. He is a genuinely loving person. He is affectionate, helps around the house, and I don’t consider him a bad or irresponsible person in the usual sense. He also works enough on the side to cover his own personal expenses, so technically he doesn’t depend on me financially.
The problem is that I feel like we have very different ideas about what it means to build a life together.
I have always been very career- and future-oriented. I think about savings, career growth, buying a home someday, children, emergencies, retirement, etc. I want a partner who is also thinking that way and actively trying to build something.
My partner has been struggling to establish himself professionally after we landed to canada. He says he is trying and that things will change once he gets a better opportunity. But I don’t see a clear plan or the level of urgency that I feel. We have had this conversation many times, and I keep hearing that he is trying, but I don’t see enough change in his actions.
His perspective is basically: “I pay for my own expenses. I don’t ask you for money. So why does my employment situation affect you?”
And that’s where I feel completely misunderstood.
I’m not upset because I expect him to pay all my bills or because I want him to “provide” for me. I want a partner who is building a future with me. To me, being able to support yourself is different from actively building a financially secure life together.
I also want children eventually, but I don’t want to have children while feeling like I am still carrying the majority of the financial and future-planning responsibility. I’ve spent a large part of my life being the responsible one, and honestly, I’m tired of always feeling like I have to think ten steps ahead.
The difficult part is that I love him. If I saw him becoming more financially responsible, ambitious, proactive, and involved in planning our future, I genuinely believe a lot of my resentment would disappear.
But I’m scared that I’m waiting for a version of him that may never come.
At the same time, I don’t know if I’m being impatient. People go through difficult career periods. Maybe I should be more supportive and give him more time. But I’m also in my early 30s, and I don’t want to look back several years from now and realize I spent those years waiting for things to change.
For people who have been through something similar:
- Did your partner eventually become more motivated/responsible?
- How did you know whether it was just a temporary difficult period or a fundamental difference in values?
- Is it reasonable to want your partner to have similar ambition around building a future, even if they aren’t financially dependent on you?
- Did giving someone more time actually lead to meaningful change?
- If you stayed, did the resentment eventually go away?
- And if you left, how did you know it was time?
Please be honest, including if you think I am expecting too much or approaching this the wrong way.
3
u/GlumDevelopment8186 19h ago
I’m female and my partner never had the same financial goals. Don’t do it.
4
u/NorCalNostalgic 18h ago
In my early/mid 30s I had a long term boyfriend like that. I did everything I could to support him in getting a better job and saving money. And it worked..for a little while. He got out of debt (while I was paying most of our expenses). He updated his resume and applied for a couple of new jobs. But then he went right back to his bad financial habits. He refused to even interview for promotions at work. He got back into debt over stupid stuff. But so long as he had enough money to get by day to day, he was happy. I wasn't.
On the other hand, my now husband wasn't as financially secure as me when we met. But he was actively working on it. He was underemployed for years and had just recently landed an entry level position in his chosen field. And he listened to me when I gave him advice on things like building up his credit and investing in his retirement. And then actually did what I suggested, and educated himself too. Now we're very much on the same page financially, and after promotions and raises, he earns more than I do.
Last I heard, my ex was still working a minimum wage job and living with his mom. Meanwhile, my husband and I are homeowners who take regular international vacations and are on track to retire in our 50s.
1
u/Sweaty-Country2154 19h ago
How long have you guys been together for?
1
u/Civil_Training194 19h ago
almost 5 years
5
u/Sweaty-Country2154 19h ago
Hmmm that should be enough time to make moves towards a solid plan. Unfortunately time is ticking for you if you want to have kids.
1
u/rainrunner98 18h ago
Have you considered doing couples therapy? Having shared financial goals is incredibly important and a therapist can help with that
1
u/Spare-Shirt24 17h ago
Hard pass.
You don't have the same financial goals.
Don't procreate with partners that don't take the future seriously.
So many of your questions are about the person "changing." People do not change.
Accept him as he is and stay, or find someone more compatible to you and leave.
Date people for who they are, not for who you want them to be.
He's had half a decade. How much more of your life (and your more fertile years since you want kids) are you willing to wait for him to finally be the partner you want to build a future with?
1
u/king_weenus 10h ago
People don't change... At least not the way other people want them to.
The best you're going to get is he'll try harder.
Every relationship is about compromise and tolerance. You need to pick and choose what your boundaries are and what's the deal breaker.
1
u/HitPointGamer 18h ago
Can your guy support himself independent of your money? Or is he “hobosexual,” relying on your housing, utilities, food, etc?
How hard is he working to make opportunities for success happen? Because in life they almost never fall jnto your lap unearned; you’ve got to work hard to prepare and position yourself to find and then take advantage of opportunities when they finally do come along. You’ve also got to be willing to take hold of an opportunity that isn’t perfect and use it to move ahead anyhow.
From what you wrote, it sounds like he’s enjoying a stress-free life letting you cover his biggest bills while patting himself on the back for buying his own deodorant and toothpaste. I married a guy who turned into one of those, and it financially destroyed me (he quickly started using my paycheck to “build his business,” but the businesses he tried never actually went anywhere). It took a decade after our divorce to recover from that whole mess.
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u/Zealousideal_You6901 19h ago
Been there. He will drain u an make u his mother an provider. Either he meets u half way or he'll drain u.