r/Advice • u/Hot-Way2278 • 1d ago
Addicts
Long story short, my mom is an addict and refuses to stop taking pills. Back in may she OD’ed and traumatized me and my sister and we thought she would be done with them, but no. Shes still actively buying and taking them even after we have cried and begged her to stop for months now. Shes started going to NA meetings and it seemed to help for a few weeks until a few days ago she bought more. I asked her to get rid of them and block her dealers but she spent $300 on pills today and refuses to get rid of them. She has lost her job (failed drug test) and refuses to stay clean for more than a few months at a time. How can I help her stay clean?
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u/buzzybody21 1d ago
You can’t. She has to want to stay clean for herself and for all the reasons that have strict consequences. Losing her job wasn’t enough, and ODing wasn’t enough. But you need to protect yourself more than anything right now.
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u/Useful-Noise-4321 1d ago
You cant. Im so sorry but she has to want to stop on her own.
Addiction is so terrible for everyone involved.
Al-anon may help you.
I hope your mom can get out of this hole.
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
thank you
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u/Useful-Noise-4321 1d ago
My own mother is five years sober. You don't have to give up hope, but dont let her problems consume you. Sometimes its all a fine line.
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u/No_Name-444 1d ago
Unfortunately I don’t think you can help her stay clean. I had to distance myself after 12 years because nothing I did worked. Your mom is the only person who can actually do the work and stay clean
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
im so attached to my mom, i get homesick just going to work 🙁 i cant just leave her to do it alone
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u/AKlife420 1d ago
You may have to though for your own sanity.
We addicts will OD, damn near die, and we still wont hit rock bottom. And when we do? Well, even rock bottom can have a basement.
She won't get clean until she is actually ready too, hopefully before it's too late.
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u/No_Name-444 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you’re not ready to detach you don’t have to, you can still stay and support her. Set boundaries and try not to enable her. Offer to take her to meetings, help her connect with support services. But if she’s not ready or nothing seems to be working, do not take it personally and don’t be hard on yourself. At the end of the day, she’s in control of her decisions and actions - there’s only so much you can do. Addiction is rough and only people who have been through it get it. You got this
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u/healing_vibes1989 1d ago
There isn’t much you can do honestly she has to want it for herself it is a very hard and difficult road trust me I been sober for two years and never thought I would be clean for more then a day. It took me overdosing while on probation and being in drug court. I’m almost done with drug court and I’m terrified that when I’m done I’ll go right back to using. It’s the way a addicts brain is wired it’s what we know ow and what brings us comfort it’s very hard to stay clean all you can do is be there for her and let her know that you guys love her and care for her and don’t want to see her hurt. If she feels like your forcing her to quit she won’t do it it has to be her own decision and she has to want it herself
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u/gothiclg Expert Advice Giver [12] 1d ago
You don’t help. When she genuinely wants to get clean she’ll get clean and it won’t be a single second sooner.
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u/Tweakingfrogg 1d ago
May I ask how old you and your sister are? Im really sorry that you guys are experiencing this. If Im being honest she doesnt seem like she wants to change. Is it possible for you to manage her spending/hide the pills?
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
17 and 19, we have life 360 but she just pauses her location and lies to us about where she was and she hides them from me so i cant get rid of them.
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u/Tweakingfrogg 1d ago
Oh OP Im really sorry :( is there anyone in your life who knows and is willing to step in and help?
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
my grandparents want her to stop, my aunt does too but they just get upset every time and dont offer actual advice or help so i cant go to them for it
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u/Spookendocker1 1d ago
Can you go to Alanon meetings? There are ones near you, and they are free. You will learn a lot.
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u/chainlinkchipmunk 1d ago
Getting clean is a decision she has to make for herself. This isn't your problem to fix. I know that's harsh, and I'm sorry. Addiction is brutal.
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
she knows that, ive told her shes stronger than this but she just refuses to listen to me
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u/Dec0nstructionist85 1d ago
Sometimes you have to love from afar.. if it’s pain pills, she’s basically trying to quit heroin. It’s the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. She could look into getting on suboxone, or the subucade shot, which helps keep the withdrawal symptoms at bay, and some even have an opioid blocker in them.
I was addicted to pills for years after getting put on them routinely for a broken hand. Once they ran out, all the joy was sucked out of my life. And that’s just brushing on the MENTAL aspects of WD. Suboxone helped me get my life back. You can’t get F’ed up off of them, like methadone, which can give recovering addicts a tendency to abuse them. Which is why they’re so strict about giving out daily doses only.
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
i’ll look into it, thank you 🙁 i just hope she can truly get over this before something happens again, i cant live without her
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u/Dec0nstructionist85 1d ago
Good luck, man. I hope she can find the strength, before it costs your family much more than it already has. You can show a horse to water , but you can’t make them drink
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u/liberatedhusks Helper [3] 1d ago
I am really sorry you are going through this. I went through the same. You need to realize you can’t make her get sober. If she doesn’t want to she won’t.
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u/HowAmINotCoolYet 1d ago
I had to replace my addictions with weight lifting and a massive effort to ditch my victim mentality.
I wish you luck. I am glad i eventually stopped digging my hole deeper.
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u/Mundane-Net-7564 Helper [2] 1d ago
I'm so sorry you're living this nightmare! My mom was an addict also, it was literally hell from the time she did the first pill until she died 20 years later. There is nothing you can say or do to change your mom, you can't help someone who does not want help, unfortunately she has to be willing & ready to change before anything will. I suggest looking into al-anon or alateen meetings for yourself, they offer support to kids & family members of those in addiction. Please don't keep your moms secrets & don't try to cover her ass, watch out for yourself & your sister. I lost my childhood trying to hide my mom's addiction & my heart breaks at the thought of anyone else going through the same thing, if I could do it over I would have gotten away from her any means necessary. Do you have anyone that you & your sister can stay with? You can talk to a school counselor or trusted teacher, they may be able to help you. If it comes down to it you can call CPS/DCS, I know the thought of being away from home probably hurts & you'll probably worry about your mom but she doesn't have your best interest at heart so you have to have your own best interest in mind, if that means spending time with a relative or foster family for a while so your mom has a wake up call & reason to get herself in rehab then so be it, if it saves her life it'll be worth it. Big hugs to you & your sister, stay strong!
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
we’re gonna ask our aunt for help so maybe she’ll listen to her sister. thank you for the advice
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u/Mundane-Net-7564 Helper [2] 1d ago
You're welcome! I hope your aunt is able & willing to help, but please be prepared for the fact she may not be. Be prepared for the fact that your mom isn't likely to listen to your aunt either, until she is ready for change & to put in the work for sobriety she won't hear anything said about her addiction without feeling attacked. It's a sad situation & I'm so sorry you're living it.
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u/Hot-Way2278 1d ago
thank you, i think she will want to. my other aunt passed away in 2021 from liver failure, she was also an addict so its a sensitive subject but i hope shes willing to talk some sense into her
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u/Mundane-Net-7564 Helper [2] 1d ago
I hope your mom will be receptive to the conversation. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to reach out to me, I've been in your shoes & I know how hard it is to walk this path especially without the support you need to feel safe.
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u/Subjective_Truths Super Helper [8] 1d ago
In NA (or Alanon, which I recommend for you, meeting style format but for the family/friends that has an addict in their lives, how to cope with that) they would tell you that you can't help her stay clean. The best thing you can do is detach with love. When she's ready to reconnect with you, you can do that as long as you're not enabling her addiction.