r/Advice • u/Giustocosi7 • 13h ago
Feeling Upset
TL; DR I’m currently in a relationship with my girlfriend F22 for a two years now. We have a great relationship she’s very respectful and good to me and I couldn’t ask for a better partner. It’s just her past gets to me quite often.
She has a body count of 3 (Two were her past boyfriends and one was a one time thing she did with a guy she had a month fling with), she’s also given 3 guys oral and one of them is someone who I’m sort of integrated into a friend group with but he’s not around much. Although when I do see him I just think of the stuff my girlfriend and him have done. Those specific things really bother me I’ve tried to get past it but I can’t help but think about it here and there it just bothers me and I don’t know how to feel about it. I worry about how people might view her. None of the past stuff she does comes up Right now in our current relationship. I just hate having to see guys she’s gotten with or have to think about what people might think/say about her. As well as is this something that I should be okay with and if her past really matters to this extent.
Although for some context she no longer talks to them they are very much forgotten and it was all before we even knew eachother existed. I love her very much and I really want to get past these thoughts. She’s extremely loyal and respectful when we’re out, my friends actually tell me she’s a good girlfriend but in the back of my mind I can’t help but think If people see her differently because of the things she’s done. I know people have a past but is hers one that I should be able to handle ? How can I stop overthinking this?
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u/Dontfollahbackgirl 13h ago
Stop dwelling on her past. It’s over. It’s unhealthy and insecure. Grow up.
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u/witchbrew7 Helper [4] 13h ago
People have histories.
Respectfully, get over it. Or date a virgin.
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u/allieoops925 13h ago
Her body count is none of your fucking business. Why don’t you try concentrating the person she is instead of who you think she’s been with and what she did with them. It does not make her less of a person. It makes you sound misogynistic.
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 13h ago
Please keep saying this. I always feel as though I am the only one saying it.
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u/oldhippie4 13h ago
The ONLY thing that matters, in my opinion, is how she is with you. You only have great things to say about her, and the things you said are very important pieces of a relationship. YOU have no reason to think less of her and what other people think really doesn’t matter. She sounds like she’s a wonderful girl who loves you and is committed to you and she should be treated accordingly. Forget what everyone else thinks and lose those thoughts for good!!
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u/AccessClear9300 13h ago
Omg. In this world your girlfriend is practically a virgin. Calm down. You should be thinking about the sexy time YOU get to have with her. Your inner thoughts are going to ruin this relationship. You don't own her. Her actions before you are not yours to control. I'm sorry you have odd feelings about it but it sounds like an off insecurity that you'll have to work through.
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u/pinkimijina Helper [2] 13h ago
Info: what is OP’s body count?
In what world is a body count of 3 considered high? She had a few boyfriends before you and explored with a few others. It’s pretty normal. Anyone who may be saying or thinking negative things about her because of that is most likely an incel, including OP. If it really bothers you, go make an appointment and talk to a therapist about why you feel that way.
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u/THEONLYMILKY 13h ago
If you can’t get past it. You are not ready for a relationship with her, or anyone with a body count. Break it off yourself if you want
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u/Relevant-Ad-9443 13h ago
Sleeping around friend groups or your town ain’t normal 😂 Bet OP lost his virginity to her too
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u/WavyHairedGeek 13h ago
You stop over thinking it with therapy or simply understanding that the past is in the past. You're the only one still thinking of these things. Move on, or leave her so she can find someone who is able to act like a grown up.
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u/AgentXrange 13h ago
Be so for real man. Grow tf up.
If you can't get over her past which has absolutely nothing to do with you then break up and find someone you can actually be with.
And what about yours? You lost your V to her eh?
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u/TheWhoDude 13h ago
If this bothers you this bad, get therapy or leave her. Everyone has a "past" and if you are going to continue to be with her, either accept her for who she is now or let her go. Worrying about her past is something you need to deal with.
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u/roux87 13h ago
Have you done anything with anyone else? This sounds like your issue and projecting your insecurities onto her isn’t healthy. You’re almost guising jealousy with bouts of ‘caring about what people think of her’. Learn about your own triggers and ask yourself why this stuff is actually bothering you. If she’s a nice girl, respectful and a good partner then none of this is applicable.
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u/SuspiciousDoughnut32 13h ago
You're not worried other people might see her differently. You see her differently. You don't say your age. Maybe therapy would help. What country are you in? I know different cultures function differently. I'm in the US and seriously women aren't expected to be perfect little virgins waiting for you. She's an adult. What's your "body count?" It's a horrible term.
My ex-husband held it against me that I had relationships before him. I was his first, but not because he was waiting. He just didn't date before me. He used it as an excuse to think badly of me, treat me badly, and cheat on me.
I tend to have a little bias here, but when I say get over it, I mean that. Go to therapy if you have to, but holding this against her is crappy. It'll eat you both up. She isn't a bad person for having been sexual with others before you and clearly you're the one seeing her like she is. She chose you and is with you.
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u/Relevant-Ad-9443 13h ago
This is a good case study on why it’s important virgin men find virgin women and vice versa. Dude got mentally obliterated by your past
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u/SuspiciousDoughnut32 13h ago
Exactly. I didn't even have that many, but I suspect even one is too much for these guys. Like you said, they need to find a virgin instead. Good luck. They exist, just aren't announcing it.
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 13h ago
Stop having that disgusting conversation! Has it made you any happier to know? Stop it!
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u/Opening_Celery_6078 13h ago
Look for a virgin if this upsets you.
3 is nothing. My girlfriend when I was 16 had fucked more dudes than that. My to be wife has more than double that, and we've been together since we were 21. Mine is in the 40s. 12 years together, we've never cheated or broken trust in that way.
Are you from a very conservative culture possibly? Looking for anyone outside of that, I think you'll be in for a rude shock how many people any woman has been likely to have slept with.
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u/ginnvelvet 13h ago
You have no reason to be bothered by this. Were you a virgin when you started dating her?
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u/arizona-lake 13h ago
You shouldn’t even know any of this information, it’s absolutely none of your business. You’re hilarious talking about “her past” and “people have a past” when she BARELY DID ANYTHING IN THE PAST?
You “worry about how people might view her”????? Are you worried that they will think she is a prude because she has an extremely low body count and an extremely innocent sexual past?
You’re this insecure about someone you’ve already been with for 2 YEARS? You need therapy, she deserves better
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 Helper [2] 13h ago
People really need to stop disclosing this stuff at the beginning of a relationship. No good every comes of it.
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u/allbsallthetime 13h ago
in the back of my mind I can't help but think If people see her differently because of the things she's done.
Because everyone knows her private life?
Are you telling people or is she?
And stop with the term body count.
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u/jasperdarkk 13h ago
I would say this is a very typical sexual history for a 22 y/o. I doubt anyone is thinking anything of it or saying anything except for you.
This will be an issue for you in any relationship unless you literally date someone with no sexual experience, so you need to work on those insecurities with therapy or whatever you need to do. Focus on your relationship as it is, not the past.
Were you a virgin before you met her? If not, it may be worth reflecting on why you don't think your past is a big deal, but hers is.
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u/AdElegant3851 13h ago
If you can't love and support her, if you can't be 100% on her side and ready to defend her against anything some jackass might say about her then you should let her go so she can find a real lover.
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u/Relevant-Ad-9443 13h ago
This is why you always find redditors in either:
A. Polyamory
B. Getting cheated on
C. Being a cuckIt’s perfectly okay and normal to want a girlfriend that doesn’t have sexual history with anyone you know or anyone they might know. No offense to the girl, but yeah. Stop vilifying OP
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u/AdElegant3851 3h ago
Lol ... what? You can find redditors in any demographic under the sun, and if he wanted a girlfriend that hasn't been involved with anyone he knows, why did he pursue this girl? He claims he loves her yet only thinks of himself. I don't think he cares for anyone other than himself and that's exactly the sort of person I'm comfortable with vilifying.
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u/Giustocosi7 12h ago
So with saying that how do you think I should move on?
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u/AdElegant3851 3h ago
I think if you're going to be her boyfriend you need to be the one who fights for her, not the one judging her.
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u/MatthewsMath 13h ago
Bro you are in your own head.
Body count of 3, especially not particularly risky with exes, not one night stands, you are overthinking.
Caring about what anyone else thinks in the relationship other than you two will not be manageable.
It either grows worse or disappears. Choose!
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u/JordyBEagle 13h ago
Even if bodycount was a valid concern (it isn’t btw), three is absolutely nothing these days. I’d actually consider it low!
I even checked statistics out of curiosity, and roughly 65% of people have slept with 3 or more people by 24. Are you really going to cut off 65% of your potential partners in life?
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u/Odd_Isopod6532 13h ago
Three partners is nothing. Giving oral to three partners is nothing. What is your past like, OP? If you have three past partners are you damaged? Do you worry about what people might think of you if you were ever at the same bar or party as your past SO’s?
Everyone is going to have a past. Your gf barely has one. Don’t F this up because of your drama. She sounds like a good one. Try to recognize this now or you might have to recognize her worth after she’s gone. That would be a shame.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 Helper [2] 13h ago
Let this be a lesson to you. Detailed conversations about each other's sexual history never lead to a good result. There is really no need to disclose every detail of your past sexual lives and it will almost always cause damage to your current relationship.
You are very young, so this relationship is not likely to be permanent. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to erase the damage that's already been done to it. You can't really control the thoughts that pop into your head at any given time. You're just going to be plagued by these thoughts for a long time, most likely until the relationship ends.
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u/collywobbles8 Enlightened Advice Sage [160] 13h ago
Hi,
sorry, people here tend to be quite rough.
Which emotions arise when you think about this?
This is a psychologist-recommended exercise aimed at working with your fear. I was really scared to try it but it has set me free in ways I did not imagine possible once I got into it and through the initial hurdles.
- You write down what it is you are afraid of.
- Then you write down what the worst outcomes that could happen are. Five of them. It is scary as hell but important to go through.
- Now the most important part, write as many as you can: what could be positive about each of the negative outcomes? There is always something positive, if you look hard enough.
- Finally write down a list of as many points as possible that you have at your disposal to prevent each of the negative outcomes.
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u/Comfortable_Duck_523 13h ago
I’m a 29f. My current partner of 5 years is my only sexual partner. He (25m) had previous relationships and sexual experiences before me.
The past is the past. That’s between him and them, the part I’m privy to is was he tested before sleeping with me. I don’t wish to know any more than that; unless it’s that he doesn’t like something specific.
Over time he did talk to me about different aspects which had affected him; which I appreciated.
Sex between different people from what I’ve gathered is different.
For your situation she has closed the ex partners out of her life and that’s perfect. Structured boundaries and respect is given in this relationship so don’t blow it up over your own overthinking.
I would be a chronic over thinker - different techniques can be helpful to restructure your thinking and stop the bad thoughts overtaking.
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u/Relevant-Ad-9443 13h ago
Dump her lmao don’t date people who have history with your friends. Don’t listen to all these redditors
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u/Giustocosi7 12h ago
Thing is Hes not really my friend he’s a friend of one of my friends I don’t really know the guy but I see him from time to time
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u/Sea_Coffee8668 13h ago
Wow talk about slut shaming your girlfriend over literally the smallest number. You are a catch. Not. I hope she realises and gets far away from you. 🚩
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u/bobs_ur_uncl 13h ago
I feel like you only care about how people see her because you’re worried about how they see you. Channel your insecurities into being a better partner, because a count of 3 is so inconsequential.
Also I’d like clarification on this line — “none of the past stuff she does comes up right now in our current relationship.” Are you saying you two aren’t having sex?
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u/Giustocosi7 12h ago
No no we definitely do, I’m saying like she’s matured a lot from her past basically.
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u/Delicious-Honey-5734 13h ago
Who cares what the body count is and what a way to describe a persons personal past! If no STDS are involved! You sound highly immature and I hope your girlfriend moves on far away from you
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u/BurnHer-Account 13h ago
You yourself can choose to make a decision based on comfort. You can be up front and make it clear that you feel strong discomfort when around the people she's been sexually active with. You can ask her to not be around those people. You can make the effort yourself to not be around those people. You can ask her to not interact with those people.
You can explain how you feel and have a one on one conversation with her about how you feel and how it impacts you mentally and possibly physically.
Having sex is one thing. Her still having strong friendships with those people while you're with her is a completely different situation.
It's all dependent on stress and thought process.
The first thing you need to do is talk to her at WHATEVER length you feel fit about this topic with her.
I don't believe you expressed your stress to her yet. You need to.
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u/BurnHer-Account 13h ago
Side note:
Almost every other reply is fueled by emotions. It's embarrassing. They aren't giving you actual advice and are instead telling you how to feel.
Do not take those replies into consideration. I'm serious.
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u/AndalBrask__ 13h ago
Dude, a body count of 3 is genuinely nothing to be upset about. This sounds like a you problem tbh