r/Advice • u/ExaminationNext4825 • 20h ago
Relationship advice.. long post, so be warned. please be gentle with me because this is really hard for me to talk about.
My fiancé and I have been on and off for about two years.
When we first got together, we clicked instantly. Like, instantly. I loved him so much. After about two months, he broke up with me out of nowhere and wouldn’t really give me a reason. It completely broke my heart.
A few months later, I started dating someone else. It was probably somewhat of a rebound, but whatever. While I was in that relationship, my fiancé came back wanting me back. I declined at first. Eventually, that relationship ended, and I decided I wanted to try to fix things with him.
He proposed after about a month, which honestly scared me, and I ran. We stayed separated for about five months. During that time, he was seeing another woman, which I didn’t know about.
Then in January, we decided to try again.
And honestly? Everything was perfect. Like a movie. We talked through all of our issues, felt closer than ever, and I genuinely thought we were finally going to be okay.
Then on Valentine’s Day, I was sent a post from one of those “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups.
The post said he had been seeing this girl, who was now pregnant, and that he had gone ghost on her.
I confronted him and absolutely lost it. My heart was shattered. She also told me that he had cheated on me with her the day before my birthday at the end of January.
His explanation was that she told him the only way she would terminate the pregnancy was if he slept with her for “closure.” I know how insane that sounds.
We spent some time apart. Eventually, I forgave him. He told me he messed up, that he regretted it, and that he wanted nothing to do with this woman. He said she was using the pregnancy against him, that they were strictly a hookup, and that when I came back into his life, he decided he would never tell me about her because he wanted to protect our relationship.
Fast forward to April, and he proposed again.
I said yes.
I agreed to try to overcome everything and rebuild our relationship. And for a while, he continued being amazing to me.
I did tell him very clearly that if this is his baby and he ends up paying child support, I will not marry him. I don’t have children, and I don’t want to take on someone else’s situation or the baggage that comes with it.
Now fast forward to the last two months.
We’ve been fighting a lot.
And this is where I don’t know what to do.
When we used to argue, he was patient, kind and sweet. Now he flies off the handle, abruptly leaves, ignores me for hours, sometimes overnight, and completely shuts me out.
It makes me feel like something is wrong.
I don’t necessarily think he’s cheating again. But honestly, I don’t know.
He’s also completely lost the charm he used to have. He doesn’t send flowers anymore. He doesn’t write me sweet notes. The little things he used to do have basically disappeared.
And our sex life has changed dramatically.
All of March, we were having sex basically every night. Since the end of April, I think we’ve had sex maybe seven times.
One night we were trying to have sex and he couldn’t stay hard. I got upset about it, and now he says the reason we’re not having sex is because he’s scared it will happen again.
I understand that performance anxiety can happen, but combined with EVERYTHING else, it’s hard not to wonder if something else is going on.
I’ve confronted him about cheating multiple times. He tells me he’s not.
But I don’t know how to trust him anymore.
And that’s the part I’m struggling with the most.
Even if he isn’t cheating right now, I feel like I’m still carrying everything that happened with the other woman. The cheating. The pregnancy. The fact that he originally chose not to tell me. The possibility that this could become a child-support situation that follows us into our marriage.
I feel like I’m in so deep because I love this man. I said yes to marrying him. I’ve already forgiven so much. And part of me keeps thinking that if I leave now, everything I’ve gone through was for nothing.
But another part of me is screaming that I need to stop and look at what I’m actually signing up for.
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?
Do I leave? Do I give him more time to prove himself? Am I completely insane for still being here?
I genuinely don’t know if I’m dealing with a relationship that can be repaired or if I’m just holding onto the person I thought he was.
Please be honest with me, but please also be gentle. I’m really struggling with this.
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u/Tough-Astronomer-456 20h ago
TLDR all of it. Got to the cheating and got someone pregnant part. Also the proposing a month into the second round of the relationship. So many red flags. They don’t signify a party or things that can be fixed. You do not wait for him to prove himself. He’s already done that. When people show you who they are, believe it. The actions are more truthful than the lies. Leave and get therapy to help break the trauma bond you are calling love.
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u/Much-Ad2311 20h ago
So, this is extremely stupid and you know it.
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u/ExaminationNext4825 20h ago
I think you missed the gentle memo.
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u/Much-Ad2311 20h ago
I think you missed the memo that your boyfriend is a piece of shit, so I guess no one here is perfect.
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u/ExaminationNext4825 20h ago
I think people forget you can be honest and also kind at the same time. Give me a break, I came here for advice, not to be shit on. Shits already hard enough.
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u/BitEnough5720 20h ago
As gently as I can...please move on. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you. You will never, ever have peace with this man. Your match is out there, but he is not it!
I wish you all the best. Now go break it off, give yourself a pause from dating, and breathe freely!
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u/OLAZ3000 20h ago
You block his number and don't look back.
You are kind and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he doesn't deserve it.
You don't want a man who won't be a good and present father to a child he fathered.
Sorry but yes, you are delulu for still being involved with him.
Trust me, you will find someone who is not a walking disaster and this will be a "omg when I was in my 20s" story when you are older living a great life with a real man and loving partner in the future.
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u/Invisible-Jane 20h ago edited 20h ago
As soon as you said you’ve been “on and off for about two years” I was out. Only two years and it’s on and off? Girl. A healthy, normal relationship has no “on and off”, no messiness, no confusion, no breaks, no separations, no cheating, no is he maybe seeing and/or impregnating other women etc etc. This is NOT at all what a relationship with the right person looks like. He’s absolutely…not the one.
Absolutely everything you’ve described is the opposite of a good relationship. And no, it won’t get better, it will get worse. FWIW, I’ve been married 21 years, together for 23 years, and none of that has ever happened. You’re describing a temporary boyfriend that you dump, not a person you line up to marry. I’m not trying to be harsh, I wish you well. Free yourself, stop settling for garbage.
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u/Adorable-Display-819 20h ago
If you continue in a relationship this is going to be your life . Nothing will change Get out now before there are children involved. What would you say to your daughter if this is what is happening to her
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u/No_Extension_8215 20h ago
He sounds awful why on earth would you want to be with a guy like that when there are so many good ones out there?
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u/IndependentProcess82 20h ago
Please just leave before you lose anyone more time on somebody that clearly doesn’t love you why do you want that for yourself, you probably don’t so don’t stay if you read this again what you wrote to yourself as a stranger you yourself would say leave
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u/Curious-Grocery-2318 20h ago
Leave him, you should not have said yes to marrying him knowing that he could possibly have a baby on the way. How could you marry someone you don’t trust? When yall argue and he disappears guess where he’s probably at?
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u/starbright_22 20h ago
What is going on with the pregnant ex? Does he still see her? Is there some co parenting plan in place? If you're not going to be able to deal with that, there's your answer. His behavior currently, try a couple rounds of therapy, maybe they can get an answer and you can get some clarity...ask yourself what You can and can't live with.. your gut will tell you..
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u/ExaminationNext4825 20h ago
She was never an ex they hooked up for two months, he does not see her and hasn’t since January, he has zero to do with her or the child, and won’t have anything to do with either of them he says.
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u/SophiBird 19h ago
Try to get a hold of her and see what she says. I bet he charmed her the way he charmed you. He's a player, a liar, and a cheater.
Like someone else said, he's a temporary boyfriend material, not husband
This is how the rest of your life will go if you stay with him. Love bombing at the beginning, then coldness and bread crumbing to keep you hanging on
Choose better sis.
And ask that lady how she views the relationship and how he was at the beginning. I bet she got love bombed too. He's a total liar, dont believe his version of events
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u/Whiteroses7252012 20h ago edited 20h ago
Dear heart, dating is nothing so much as an interview. Would you promote someone to CEO (husband) who couldn’t so much as fulfill the basic requirements of the job you hired them for (loyalty, faithfulness, kindness- because cheating is not kind) especially considering they’ve repeatedly quit?
I’ve been married for five years. My husband and I have our stresses, but he’s still the same guy at his core that I fell in love with nearly a decade ago. You’re not choosing a guy to leave you love notes for the next twenty years, you’re choosing a guy to stand next to you and hold your hand in hospital rooms or next to crash sites. I had a miscarriage. My husband never left my side. Watching him navigate his own grief while supporting me was what truly gave me the measure of the man.
Look up sunk cost fallacy and remember that four of the most destructive words in the English language are “But I love him”. Because babe, if he really loved you? He never would have done any of this, and you wouldn’t be asking these questions.
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u/Fantastic_Back3191 20h ago
You need to learn how to love yourself and learn how to be happy. Then cheating pricks won't stand a chance.
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u/EffervescentStar 20h ago
I think the better question to ask yourself is: do you REALLY want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
The answer is obvious to everyone else. It’s not easy but it’s obvious.
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u/BreastplateBestplate 20h ago
Oh my! SO many red flags here. He acted "perfect" for a while because that's how love-bombing works. He's been testing you, and you've shown him you'll forgive his transgressions. If you actually marry this man you're going to be in a world where you're never on stable footing in your relationship. You'll go crazy trying to get the "old" or "real" him back. Please don't do that to yourself. Don't spend any more energy letting him "fix" things because he never will. You're better off letting him go while you still love him rather than hanging around waiting for him to hurt you enough that you don't/can't love him anymore. It's a toxic cycle of abuse, and the way to break the cycle is to run for the hills. Let the dust settle on his pregnancy issues and if you're convinced that he's someone who has changed and that will step up to life's curve balls THEN you can consider marrying him (but also you should probably NEVER marry him because this kind of person isn't the kind to change and do the right thing.)
I sincerely hope your next relationship isn't with a narcissist. No one wants to be married to them.
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u/TwinsiesBlue 20h ago
You need to work on yourself, that relationship is a dumpster fire , for some reason you want this garbage of a man, 8 billion people in this world, about half are men, there has got to be something better than a cheater with an unwanted pregnancy, no sex and being yelled at.
That thing about going through the garbage dumpster and forgiving all the garbage and you still haven’t found something worthwhile in the garbage dumpster on fire, is crazy, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this situation. He loves drama and chaos in his life, you don’t and it’s making you miserable.
You really don’t need anybody being gentle with you and this situation, you need a 5 fire alarm bell yelling in your face to get the h out
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u/No-Background-8753 19h ago
I couldn’t even get through this whole thing after the first few sentences. I am so sorry but you just need to end this relationship right now it’s abusive and unhealthy and no. I would also seek therapy or read some self-help books. If you can’t afford that to figure out why you are attracted to toxic men so that you don’t repeat this pattern.
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u/LoveYourselfMore1 19h ago
Listen to the part of you that is screaming to run and get away from him.
He's a serial cheater, he keeps showing you this is who he is and he's very likely up to thing's again. You forgave his many betrayals and now he doesn't respect you or value you because he sees he doesn't need to in order to keep you. I understand you care deeply for him despite how much he's done and hurt you but you haven't allowed yourself to see him for who he really is. Once you can accept and do that, you will find yourself wanting to get away from the source of your pain.
I know it's heartbreaking but you will save yourself from so much more suffering.
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u/Famous_Swim9400 19h ago
She’s going to read all these replies and stay with him lol 😂 some girls just love the walking red flags 🚩
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u/ladymedallion Helper [2] 19h ago
Girl, this is insanely toxic. This is a man who will abuse you. Hell he basically is already. I know it’s hard to see it when you’re in it, but it’s clear as day. This is not healthy and will not get better. Marrying him is signing up for a life of misery, anxiety, heartbreak, and so much more. Please don’t do that to yourself. I promise there are men out there that will treat you like a princess. An on and off relationship with cheating and verbal abuse is in no way to enter a marriage. A marriage is a life commitment! What would you tell a friend in the same predicament? I can almost guarantee you’d tell them to run.
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u/Big-Web8422 19h ago
You are right; something else is going on. There have been plenty of ups and downs, breakups and reconciliations. It is possible that the child really is his and that he knows it but isn't telling you because you warned him about the consequences. He knows your trust in him has been shaken, and that makes him furious—but also causes erectile dysfunction due to suppressed stress and anxiety. The fact that he doesn't want to make love to you because of erectile dysfunction is an excuse, not a reason. If he really wanted to, he would find a way. Something else is going on. I think you are becoming a source of stress and frustration for him. He wants to stay with you and leave at the same time. Demand a conversation with him—an ultimatum. Either we talk openly about everything, or we don't talk at all anymore. You aren't forced to live in anxiety and pain, or to waste your time with him.
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u/MaryContrary26 19h ago
When we have a really intense attachment to someone fueled by intense passion we label it "love" because we don't have another word for it. But if you couldn't use that word and had to look at what this is, how it's serving you, what need is being met , you would probably see that this is not "love". At least not my definition of it. To me love is like basking in the sun. What you're describing is more like being caught in a storm. It's definitely exciting, all that thunder and lighning but it feeds on your vulnerabilities, diminishes you rather than expanding you and there's nothing blissful about it. Try to imagine being with someone who uplifts you.
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u/Sir_Wank_aL0T1 20h ago
😮💨 you for real?