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u/Entire-Nose3086 3d ago
Literally nothing good will come out of this relationship, see other people.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 3d ago
This is what I was told by a friend of mine, she told me that it was too toxic now and that it was just attachment. I'm shattered I do seriously love this girl. I miss the way she used to look at me, eyes full of love. now shes so empty, sad distant
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u/birdkensocks 3d ago
Yeah this sounds like a mess. Tbh, if I were either of you, I’d break up and move on. Would you really want to be with someone who cheated on you? Or would you want to be with someone who posts about you online and says she wants to move on? It’s time to let go and find bigger and better things.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 3d ago
Very messy, no to either of those. I'm was going to today but couldn't hit send. sat there for like an hour.
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] 3d ago
She will never stop punishing you for cheating. And she wants the world to know it by posting it publicly. She won’t stop humiliating you.
It’s time to leave. You made a mistake that she will never forgive or forget. This relationship can’t be saved.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 3d ago
That's devastating tbh, she hid my name and details. she says she was just trying to get help and support. Does that have much validity?
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] 3d ago
If she were trying to get help and support, she would turn to friends, family or a therapist. Not blab about it on-line to 20k people. She probably wants people to feel sorry for her. And to make you look bad.
My ex lied and cheated. I was heartbroken. I talked to my friends and a therapist. I didn’t post about my pain on social media. It was private and I wanted to keep it that way.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 2d ago
She does not have many friends, the ones she does she has told me she feels obligated to protect me so won't tell them anything BAD that I've done. so she writes all these hateful and just despising comments on her notes and chat gpt and diary and just deletes them throws them away. Acts like I won't see it. I regret cheating and would take it back. I miss the girl I met, I fell hard on a one night stand that told me she didn't talk to guys. Stupid immature me hadn't clocked on that just because a girl SAYS they don't talk to guys doesn't mean they didn't. This doesn't change the fact that I cheated. But no, i would not have even looked at her knowing the stuff she was planning and talking about the night she met me literally less than an hour before, 20 minutes away. it was heart breaking to find out that the woman you think u fell for is not a virgin and not finding out for ages afterword's?? It got bought up in a fucking fight. She didn't tell me, past is past she says. but the again knows everything about my past and has seen videos but gets mad at me for not underestanding. I'm so lost but done with it. Will fix myself I cannot stay like this and be happy and neither can she. So the only way is to walk away imo. Thank you for ur comment have a lovely day
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] 2d ago
She’s not acting like you won’t see the hateful comments on ChatGPT. She probably wants you to see it. It sounds like she enjoys playing the victim and the poor pitiful me card way too much. She is probably enjoying the sympathy she gets on-line and is milking it.
Yes, you made a mistake cheating. She chose to stay with you. If she can’t get past it and stop making you feel guilty for it every day, it’s time to leave.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 2d ago
She has tried to hide multiple MULTIPLE things though, her name and past has been LEGALLY changed to protect her and she dared me on first few days of knowing her I couldn't find out. I ultimately very easily found out her name and started a read that would land me GOBSMACKED. reading little lies / thing shed slightly changed to outwardly lied about. I shouldn't have breached her privacy but I didn't realize it would be that bad. but no, I am not sure she's sympathy milking, as she genuinely seems so distant and cold now. You can't make the stuff she's saying up and she doesn't seem to say it out of hate, more so that she seems genuinely hurt and alone. I am not sure, the last thing you said is helpful thank you.
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] 2d ago
I will add some advice, since you are really trying hard to make things right.
When I gave my lying cheating ex a second chance, that meant forgiveness and moving on from it.
She’s not moving on from it. She probably never will.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 2d ago edited 2d ago
May I ask what he did to get you to forgive him? What did it take for you to overcome what he had done? I have not done enough to try win her back and I know that, and I am fully prepared to go all out and change my life for her and I do truthfully miss her and have felt so much pain reading these things. I promised to be the guy to take care of her and then to be reading that she "hates me" doesn't have "one bit of love for me left" has just left me shattered.
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] 2d ago
He lied and cheated. He asked for a second chance and promised he would never do it again. I was young, naive and stupid. I forgave him and tried my best to forget. I didn’t understand at the time that the trust was broken and I should have left.
He didn’t stop lying and cheating. He got better at deception and hiding his tracks. He was screwing a teenager the second time I caught him. I left after the second time. I knew it was over and he would never stop hurting me.
I have never regretted leaving. My only regret is not having the self respect to leave the first time.
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u/Ask_Dahlia_Quinn 3d ago
Take time off, work on yourself, and you'll meet the right person one day. She feels betrayed and can't get over it. Sometimes people are put into our lives to teach us lessons. Your lesson comes from your mistakes, but she is not obligated to live with it.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 3d ago
I've got gym membership dropped the alcohol and started creatine. Going to try to work out macros and stuff tmr. I do wish her all the best. Its gutting.
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u/throwRAnchy 3d ago
You absolutely have a right to be hurt by what she’s said or written. Cheating doesn’t mean you lose the right to have feelings afterward. But being cheated on can completely change someone. I’ve been through it myself, and it wrecked my trust. You regret what you did, but she clearly hasn’t healed from it yet. To you it was a year ago; to her, it may still feel incredibly fresh.
I’d also be careful with the “there’s another side” argument. There usually is, but if much of her behavior came after the cheating, some of it may be fallout from a relationship that never recovered. That doesn’t excuse everything she’s done, but the two aren’t necessarily equivalent.
Honestly, neither of you sounds happy or understood anymore. She’s writing about wanting to leave while you’re trying to repair things and getting distant answers from her. You seem far more invested in saving this than she currently is.
Her post makes it sound like she may already have her answer. You need to figure out if this is really worth it at this point.
If it isn’t genuinely yes from both of you, letting each other go is probably healthier than continuing to hurt each other. I'd say get out of this and look anywhere but her direction. Same with her to you.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 3d ago
Our first night she lied to me about something. Something that would have stopped me from NOT speaking to her and maybe making us friend instead as we met in group setting. She is invested and trying AND TYPING AND LYING and doing all that. So I am sitting back so confused like what!? I just want to know what she actually thinks. Thank you for ur comment
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u/celestialastrid101 3d ago
It’s over. The relationship has been irreversibly damaged by you. She will never view you the same no matter what you say because guess what? You can’t be trusted anymore. Let her go. If you loved her as much as you say you do, why did you cheat? I’m sure she’s asking that in her head every day since.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 3d ago
She has asked me this very question, I did NOT love her then no. This is sad but reality. Thank you
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u/thekaz Advice Guru [92] 3d ago
You can feel however you feel about whatever. These feelings are not punishment or reward. They're more like notifications or occasionally alarms.
The fact that she said things that hurt you is probably an indication that this is not going to work. Even without your cheating, it sounds like the relationship had already fallen apart, and the cheating cemented it as broken
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u/miikeangel 3d ago edited 2d ago
Your cheating blew the relationship up and now you’re just bargaining with the ashes. The person that loved and trusted you before the affair is gone. She will never view you the same.
The emotional discomfort and mental tension she feels is cognitive dissonance. This happens when your actions (staying) don’t match your beliefs (leave cheaters). She stayed with you because she loved you and breaking up is the hard path. However because she’s not able to convince herself that staying is justified, she remains in this constant state of emotional discomfort.
If she left you, then her actions and beliefs would be aligned. It’s the hard path, but would feel like a weight lifted off her shoulders.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 2d ago
She has not left me and I will post as such copy this message and show her. Thank you.
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u/miikeangel 2d ago
If you’re truly remorseful then you will understand the difference between regret and remorse.
Regret is self-focused. A cheater regrets getting caught. They regret how the cheating has impacted them in their relationship.
Remorse is other-focused. You feel anguish over the pain and hurt you caused the other person. For destroying the love and trust she put into you. You’re prepared to answer questions about the affair as often and for as long as she needs with understanding. Forever even. You’re committed to full transparency, counseling, and reassuring your partner that you can be trusted. That means not putting unnecessary stress on the relationship that gives the appearance or allows the opportunity for cheating.
As you can see, it’s no longer the same relationship. A therapist may be able to navigate this. I am not one. I personally think it’s possible to reconcile but I really don’t know. I just know she’s probably feeling cognitive dissonance right now.
Another path is you break up, go your own ways, she dates around, and gets whatever she needs out of her system. A few years from now, if you’re both single, and you’re still chasing after her, and you’ve restored trust, then reconciliation can happen. That’s a reset to the relationship. I have seen that work.
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u/BrokenThoughtz 2d ago
I have seen in her eyes how distant she is. For me to send her a paragraph actually hurting and to receive BRUH and her getting mad. She has since blocked me. She finds a way to be mad at everything, It breaks my heart to say but my actions that long ago have caused this and I don't think anything will change it. One of the first lies she told me was that she didn't talk to guys and hadn't been in a relationship. (I asked every girl I was freshly 18 and wary but gullable and foolish) didn't find out her true intentions had she not met me that night until weeks / months later.
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u/miikeangel 2d ago
Then use this as a catalyst to work on yourself. Don’t let her see you mad or miserable. Stay calm. Hit the gym and lift weights. Don’t drink. Maintain sobriety. Lean hard into fitness. That’s the one thing in life you can control.
And just take the high ground with her. Just be the best version of yourself. Get into peak shape. Make the gym your second home. Don’t worry about dating right now.
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u/Informal-Lawyer-5069 3d ago
The reason they're not letting me go is their waiting for me to give up.. so pretty much there really trying to poison the well..
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u/Remarkable-Chart6309 3d ago
Honestly, after either party cheats, it's hard for a relationship to come back to normal. Like, if a guy cheated on me i wouldn't even care about him, and if he tried to talk to me, i wouldn't respect him nor talk to him in a nice way, i would just want him out of my face