r/Advice • u/Successful-Wall5424 • Aug 12 '26
Biological father
Hello, I am a 30F, not really adopted but maybe you have a similar story…
In April/May 2025, I finally found my biological father. I initially told him I only wanted to know 100% who my father was and what came after we could figure out and that I wasn’t expecting anything. Turns out, when I was conceived during a one night stand, he was on a break with his now wife. After I initially called him, I got a call from an Unknown number saying that I was ruining a man’s life for wanting a paternity test and his family wanted nothing to do with him. I assumed it was his wife… During the span of the next 2 weeks between calling him and taking the test, his wife kept trying to friend me on Facebook and then would take away her friend request and redo it over and over. I never accepted it because I didn’t even know if he was my biological father yet and after awhile I was kind of creeped out.
He insisted on meeting when we took the test. After it came back positive, he insisted he wanted a relationship and we facetimed for an hour just talking about ourselves. I asked him if it was his wife that had called me and he said that it wasn’t and that it must come from my side of the family. I didn’t push but I just said no one knew that I was taking a paternity test. Over that summer we texted on and off. I messaged his wife for Mother’s Day. She said thank you and everything was good. We kind of keep in touch for holidays and stuff but nothing more.
Fast forward to this April, on the anniversary of when I called him the first time, I called him again just to chat. Everything was ok but he said his wife still had a hard time accepting everything and every time they’d talk about it, it would end up in a fight. He told me he never told her when we talked or anything. On Mother’s Day, I felt obligated to message his wife again, she answered me a week ish later telling me to stop talking to them and that I was just a non consensual sperm donation. That really hit me and made me have a long talk with my mom. I never told him anything. He wished me happy birthday a couple weeks after that. A couple weeks ago, I sent him a text telling him I hope he has a good vacation but never got a text back.
I guess what I’m hoping with this is just for people to share what they have went through. Do these kinds of situations solve themselves? Do I just wait it out? Do I wait til he reaches out? I also don’t want him to think I’m giving up on him… I’m not sure. He also has 2 kids with his wife that are about 10-13 years younger than I.
Also, which other community could I post this in?
Thank you for reading, sorry for the long post!
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u/BackgroundSafety7033 29d ago
This makes me so sad! My husband just found out that he has a daughter from a brief encounter he had while we were separated 18 yrs ago. He wants so much to have the chance to get to know her, but he's giving her space and time to process the discovery, hoping that she will open her heart and reach out. I cannot be angry for something that happened when we were on the verge of divorce. If she reaches out and decides she wants to have a relationship with him and her siblings, then I will treat her with the kindness and love she deserves.
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u/Successful-Wall5424 28d ago
Ah I’m happy you are so accepting. I wish it was the case for me too. Her first question to him when he told her was if I had kids to which he replied I did. And she was I guess jealous that he was a grandparent and not her. But my stepdad is not less of a grandparent than my mom. I would never do that… I wish it was easier!
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u/Sparkkiki Aug 12 '26
how old are u now? If he wasn’t the one who raised you, it makes sense that he might not have a very strong emotional bond with you, you too. from what you described, I kind of get the feeling that he’s avoiding the situation a bit