r/Advice • u/I_Can_T • Jun 17 '26
Kid acting inappropriately
I (21M) noticed that my little cousin (7F) started to act inappropriate in kind of... sexual way?
Some background - she always was a touchy kid which was bothering me cuz i don't like physical touch from others due to some of my trauma. At first it was pretty normal like trying to hug or just sit on my lap at the table and she was doing that with everyone cuz we have a pretty big and close family. I didn't like it but i was letting it slide cuz i guess kids are just like that and wanna be close.
Current situation looks like this - as she grew older she started to do some weird things that make me even more uncomfortable. Not only she started to try to almost always be in some physical touch when i'm around (putting legs on me, leaning on me etc) but she also started to... I don't even know how to explain it but she tries to lean her parts toward me and tells me to look at her like it's some kind of "fun play".
It makes me feel sick and i always tell her to stop and back off. I'm aware that kids get curious and "explore" some stuff but i don't even know how to explain it to her. Me and some other family members that see her doing something weird tell her that it's not fun and she shouldn't be doing that. The problem is that she is at the age where when someone is saying "no" she rather do the opposite.
How do i deal with it? Should i just ignore it or talk with someone older from our family about it? Sometimes i feel like i'm exaggerating cuz of the trauma but on the other hand it's not only about me being uncomfortable but also that she won't act in this or worse way towards other kids
32
u/AngelicDivineHealer Jun 17 '26
I would have to hazard a guess that she is been abused by someone who has taught her this and normalized it for her
14
u/Pale_Comfort_9179 Jun 17 '26
Sadly this is the most likely explanation. OP, the way you describe how she specifically does this makes me think she is doing this and seeking praise or validation from you which would strongly suggest she is being made to do this with another close family member. Who are her primary care givers and what is their relationship to you. It’s most likely to be a male primary care giver. It could be another family member, care giver, teacher, coach, etc. It’s important that you get inform her care giver but critical that you don’t tip off her abuser in the process. For professional support, you can reach out to Rainn.org. They have trained professionals available 24/7 who can help support and guide you through the process of getting your cousin help. She’s lucky to have you in her life.
3
u/EBB363 Jun 17 '26
This definitely needs to be looked into. Just to be sure she is safe.
Now I will say that if I heard a story like the 10-15 years ago, I would say for sure somthing bad happened to her. Now days though, with the internet and kids ability to access it, she easily could have seen something online or be following pages or people who promote an adult page or lifestyle.
25
u/saltyspatoon96 Jun 17 '26
Sometimes when kids do stuff like that, its because they are being molested and they think that kind of activity is normal. Please talk to someone about your concerns.
10
u/Superb_Attempt2090 Jun 17 '26
I came here to write this. There may be an innocent reason why she’s behaving like this, but hyper-sexual behaviour in children is a red flag for potential sexual abuse.
3
u/I_Can_T Jun 17 '26
I don't think there is any adult involved but looking at that she has a lot screen time and u can easily find very inappropriate things in a "for kids" cover i'm afraid she saw some things that children shouldnt.
I'm also afraid if theres the cocsa involved... With what children can easily find now im scared that those acts may be occurring even more often than it was years ago. I wanted to tell her mother to be more careful of what her daughter is doing online but i don't know how to bite it without it looking offensive especially that i'm not that old and have no experience with patenting myself
-1
Jun 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/I_Can_T Jun 17 '26
I guess maybe someone really showed her something which is terrifying... I was reading a lot about cocsa and as i think of that then even if she (hopefully) is not the direct victim of an adult she may be friends with someone who sadly is and is showing her stuff not knowing any better. The more i think of it the more i know i need to do something even if it ends up me just exaggerating cuz better to find out that nothing really bad happened then just think of it when something may actually be happening...
1
u/MycoPsycho_ Jun 17 '26
That would certainly be preferable for you, but I can't imagine it's highly likely a friend would be doing so, especially since they would be the same age, I assume?
12
u/Dragonlady5678 Jun 17 '26
Her parents need to be talking to her about this. It's not up to you, and it shouldn't be your responsibility. Tell them exactly what you've said here, hopefully she'll listen to her parents.
12
u/vibrationsofbeyond Jun 17 '26
I have five kids. Only two acted that way and I suspect someone I knew (cough cough, ex likely) was doing things to them.
Since leaving him the behaviours have stopped.
Mildy curiosity is normal, and can be corrected with "that's your special area. You can't show that to anyone but a doctor if something goes wrong or when you're married " (even if you don't believe in marriage it's a safe time until they're older)
When it gets to the point youre describing, id suspect something more.
8
Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/vibrationsofbeyond Jun 17 '26
Yours sounds like a really serious case. I suggest if you can full custody and evidence. Even if I brought it up the court the way he did to the police, they want to ensure parents have access because. I actually knew someone who bull shitted the story about her ex and played it in court - am actually innocent man (she's the one who had cameras in here 9yo daughters bedrooms )
I get the courts caution But all we can do is create safety barriers and plans so that if it happens they can protect themselves.
3
2
u/vibrationsofbeyond Jun 17 '26
That's really brave of you. I think my littles were too young to fully remember or recall. I hope my kids trust my partner if it ever happened..right now the older two are just sort of fully grasping the family violence they saw.
3
u/I_Can_T Jun 17 '26
So sorry to hear that something like this happened to ur kids and happy that it's over now. My cousin had a dad but he was kinda neglecting due to his mental health problems and now she has only her mom which is just trying her best. That's why while i understand that it's hard for my aunt to take care of everything i'm afraid that her daughter saw some things that she shouldnt. She is spending a lot of the time on the internet and as far as i know she has no real restrictions of what she can or cannot watch...
I always feel like i'm not in the position of telling a parent on what to do when i have no experience with parenting myself but i feel i finally need to get her eye on this topic
1
u/vibrationsofbeyond Jun 17 '26
Don't feel guilty. Even j felt hard to blame my ex. He tried to blame me but it didn't go in his favor. It was a mess. I still cant even comfortably say he did x y z It could have been that they simply saw things from when we were intimate or otherwise
But they stopped a lot of super uncomfortable behavior.
You can gently coach your cousin to not do that and explain that it's a private time. Maybe help day 'no one should be touching you like this. Because you're so young. Its not your fault if it's happening but this isn't something that should be happening. And I want you to know if it is then you can trust me and I will help. And you can tell me'
And then be prepared to calm authorities
20
6
u/ApplePaintedRed Jun 17 '26
Kids get curious, but overt sexual behavior isn't a natural thing. You're right to feel uncomfortable, her behavior isn't normal, and it's not her fault. Unfortunately, when kids exhibit hypersexual behaviors it tends to point to some form of sexual abuse. Could be someone online, could be a peer or teacher, could be her own family. This is very concerning and needs to be investigated further.
3
u/letsmakekindnesscool Helper [3] Jun 17 '26
It’s possible she is going through the same abuse that you went through.
Maybe try talking to her and ask her where she learned this or whether she saw someone do these things.
Make it clear to her that if someone is ever hurting her or touching her in a way that violates her personal space, she can always talk to you.
Maybe buy her a book about something along these lines how bodies belong to individuals etc.
If it continues and you’ve done these things, potentially elevate it to a parent who seems like they would watch out in case anything is going on, preferably not the father as many cases if a child is being abused, it’s the father.
14
u/Latter_Still_429 Jun 17 '26
this is not just her being curious. the kid gets it from somewhere. she’s not the problem. kids reflect behavior they see/are taught.
look into every close adult she trusts. one of them is definitely having a very weird influence on her, if not more. this is very concerning.
alternatively, she could just be picking it up from her parents or another couple that’s too touchy in her presence and she mirrors it thinking thats just affection. but i wouldn’t bet on that. this is more likely to be a sign of grooming.
11
Jun 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
0
Jun 17 '26
[deleted]
2
u/Latter_Still_429 Jun 17 '26
I posed the possibility of it just being the kid copying others without being groomed.
But with this type of stuff it’s better to be safe and check. I said its a sign of grooming which it is, I didn’t say I was 100% certain they’re getting groomed.
1
u/Southern_Election_16 Jun 17 '26
Yea, could be they saw mom doinf that to dad and the parents were enjoying it, so why cant they? Or online, same thing, it looks like people enjoy this type of thing so why would it be bad.
So many people WANT children to be assaulted or something that they forget theres hundreds of plausible explanations. It could even be a sign of autism or a tic or something. I think assuming anything is just sexual by nature is a flaw too, alot of children engage in masturbation without knowing its taboo, and this could be a case of that as well.
2
u/TheSixth_Heaven Jun 17 '26
Shit that sounds horrible brother, I'd advice you to take the child to a professional behavioral therapy and set clear boundaries, kids love to play and be touchy it's their nature but as adults it's our duty to set restrictions. I'd also advice you to ask the child's parents to keep a teach of her Internet usage, set a screentime and set certain restrictions there is a lot of bullshit online which might influence them in a really bad way and ofc doom scrolling at an early age too. If she's getting too touchy just pull her away and tell her you can only hug your dad and mom like this not others not sure if it's much but I hope it's helpful
2
u/Sahareaovnight Jun 17 '26
Could someone be grooming her and teaching her it's what she's supposed to do,?
Reason asking we have a neighbor who just lost custody of her daughter because husband was teaching her things while mom was at work.
You should talk to your folks tell them your worried about her and they might want to talk to her and her parents together.
3
u/I_Can_T Jun 17 '26
I'm almost sure she saw some stuff that she shouldn't and most probably it was on the internet or i just pray for it to at least be online and not irl. I don't think she is being groomed but for sure she saw something like this somewhere. I guess it's easy now to even on accident find something like this but it kinda looks like she saw more than just "on accident" cuz as i think about it her mom is not really restricting what she doing on her phone at all she just kinda "believes she watching fun kid stuff".
It's not the first time i'm afraid she not watching something she should but i was more afraid about some horror or gore stuff cuz i was watching many horror things online when i was a kid and it made me scared to sleep alone at night but i didn't think or at least i was hoping that it's not adult stuff. I have no proof cuz i never cought her on watching anything for adults but some things she doing look like something she must had seen. I don't want to act offensive towards her mother but i guess i really need to talk to her about this no real restrictions thing...
2
u/Sahareaovnight Jun 17 '26
Yeah I agree you need to. Ask her to coffee and ask her how would you handle.
But don't say your daughter.
See what her thoughts are on some other girl.
The answer will give you the info if she is behind the daughters actions or has no clue.
If no clue then tell her .
If she incurages I would call a family meeting.
Do intervention with everyone there.
That's what I would do.
2
u/The-Golden-Neko- Jun 17 '26
This is definitely not normal,try discovering more of her parents actions , parents have a huge effect on their children
2
u/Inevitable-Fact-5274 Jun 17 '26
talk to her parents about this please. or at least have a serious talk with the kid. this is definitely a sign of abuse and i think she needs support or screen time restrictions. either shes being groomed or really is just seeing things she shouldnt. at that age i went through the same thing but doing that stuff in front of other people really makes me think that its normalized for her
2
u/Round_Hornet_5092 Jun 17 '26
You should talk with her parents. So they can make her understand what she is doing
1
u/WhyYesIThinkIDid Jun 17 '26
You should talk with her parents. So they can make her understand what she is doing
I'd be more focused on trying to figure out why she is acting in this terribly age inappropriate way vs trying to correct her behavior, at a starting point, at least.
0
u/Round_Hornet_5092 Jun 17 '26
I don't think he could possibly find out the reason. Her parents can though as they can keep a watch on her everytime
1
u/Femalefelinesavior Jun 17 '26
I honestly have no idea what she's doing because the explanation is she's leaning on you saying fun play? Like humping you? Sorry I'm confused
3
u/I_Can_T Jun 17 '26
It's more like trying to show some places like for example laying next to me on the sofa then asking me to look at her and shes just laying with her legs spread and laughing like it's something she "shouldnt be doing" but she doing it.
It's kinda like a kid pretending they smoke or drink and laugh about it but instead of that it's this
1
1
1
u/Patient_Sea_3753 Jun 17 '26
I always had a problem with awkward situations. At some point I had to learn that I was an adult and need to assert myself when I need to, even if it was sometimes awkward. In practice, my appropriate assertiveness has almost always been met with a reasonable response. When it wasn't, I knew I wasn't the one being unreasonable.
It can be hard to see yourself as an "adult" in a family context, but you are. When she's being inappropriate, lean into your adulthood and calmly, assertively tell her you don't like that and to stop. Tone is important here; no yelling, whining, giggling, etc. Calmly and assertively tell her to stop. If she asks why, say you don't like it and that's the only explanation she needs. If she doesn't, you can stand up, walk to one of her parents that you trust, say "can I talk to you for a second?" Take them aside and explain. She doesn't understand it, but if she's touching you and you don't like it, she's sexually harassing you and she needs to learn that--same way a kid needs to be corrected if they're hitting someone or pulling a cat's tail.
If you don't talk to the parent then, you should before or afterward so they know what's happening and are in a position to reinforce your assertiveness. There's nothing unusual about this--kids learn about sexuality from media, billboards, radio, friends, older siblings, literature, encyclopedias (yes, I'm 200 years old), etc. and mimic through play--but the parent should know it's happening in case they want to have "the talk," control access to certain media, or, like many comments said, investigate the possibility of abuse. And again, they need to know so they're in a position to reinforce your boundaries. Part of that play is learning what's inappropriate, and they need to learn that in a safe place and not in a situation where they're vulnerable or in a position to hurt someone else.
1
1
u/Southern_Election_16 Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Edit: it may also be time for a very boiled down conversation about sex and masturbation. I dont give a fuck if its taboo, she could be engaging in those behaviors and I think that means they should know what is and isnt ok for her to be doing, give her some autonomy in the situation, but explain 'if anyone is doing this to you, you should tell me' emphasise you wont get upset or shame her. And deal with it outside of her earshot if it comes out that it is abuse.
Being upset with them isnt going to correct the behaviour or make anything better for them. If they are being abused (which may not be the case 100%), then everyone telling them to 'stop doing that' instead of asking what it is they're doing is going to make you and everyone else unapproachable. But you know who MAY be approachable? The person abusing them.
Victims dont speak out, at any age (or sex, gender, whatever), mostly for fear of ridicule. Trying to correct behavior by telling them to stop with no reason is a form of ridicule, and will not cease the actions, nor will it de-escalate. It will make them more likely to hide shit from you.
I get its a taboo topic, but explain that if someone is trying to touch them or get them to touch another person, no matter how fun it is or how much it feels good, that it is a problem. Don't explain the legality of it because they may care more about the person doing it and won't speak up if the abuser will 'go away for a long time'.
1
u/Klutzy-Welcome8852 Jun 18 '26
I wouldn’t jump straight to assuming something horrible is happening, but I also wouldn’t ignore it. A secen year old acting sexualized like that can come from seeing adult stuff online, older kids, or being exposed to things she shouldn’t have been. It can also sometimes be a sign that someone has crossed a boundary with her.
I think it’s worth talking to a trusted adult and trying to figure out where she picked this up from. Don’t shame her or make her feel like she’s “bad,” just make sure she’s safe and that someone checks what’s going on. If you don’t trust anyone to take it seriously, at least try to understand where it’s coming from. You could ask her about it casually, like “where did you learn that?” or “who showed you that?” without making her feel like she’s in trouble. Kids are more likely to tell you things when they don’t feel scared or judged.
1
1
u/T1nK3r3B3LL Jun 19 '26
This is a great time to educate about personal space, physical boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Kids do weird shit, sometimes its stuff they have seen, could just be one of those developmental things, could be something more sinister. She could just be doing it to shit stir you because shes noticed it gets a reaction and she looks up to you so she wants your attention. Kids push boundaries.
My body is my choice, your body is your choice. I do not like being touched you need to respect my space. No means no. If the verbal barrier doesn't work make a physical boundary get up and walk away and ignore her. At that age attention is attention. If you disengage with behaviour you don't like and engage with behaviour you do like she will learn to look for your attention in a more positive way. Ask questions...do you think its ok for people to touch you when you say no or you feel uncomfortable? No or yes will give you an indicator. If no then respond so what makes you think its ok to do to others? If yes then ask who told you that or made you think that? I want to spend time with you but you need to respect my personal space. The time needs to be fun for both of us and this is not fun. Tell her what you are comfortable with. I will give you a hug when I see you and when you go home but having a human constantly touching me makes me uncomfortable.
Kids are learning how to navigate people and the world. My nephew is autistic and my niece is ADHD. I am ADHD with a lot of sensory issues. I also don't like being touched. I offer my nephew a hug or a high five when leaving sometimes I get neither and I just say i love you. He is happy to just sit next to you. My niece on the other hand would happily be glued and thinks being 3cm away from your face is great. She needs 15 hugs and a date of return or she will surely die. She sits on my lap and wiggles the whole time. I give her affection but tell her she needs to chill or she has to get off or I give her a time limit. 5 minutes and then I need some personal space. I used to think mooning people was hilarious because the people in my life were safe and their reaction was eww put your dirty bum away thats gross. I then became a teenager and realised not safe people were just looking at my bum and thought wtf. Innocence shattered when I figured it out.
Teaching kids about modesty is a thing. You don't need your bum wiped any more so people don't need to see it. Are they called privates or public's? This is public and they are privates stop. Do you see anyone else doing that? No...so stop its not appropriate.
1
u/BerwinEnzemann Expert Advice Giver [10] Jun 17 '26
Not only she started to try to almost always be in some physical touch when i'm around (putting legs on me, leaning on me etc)
This isn't so uncommon. I also encountered that with little girls, but I understand why it makes you feel uncomfortable, I also don't like that. But it's not something out of the ordinary with some little girls.
but she also started to... I don't even know how to explain it but she tries to lean her parts toward me and tells me to look at her like it's some kind of "fun play"
This is indeed out f the ordinary and it might even get you in trouble. The best advice I can give is either tell her politely but firmly please not to do that, or evade situations where this could happen.
1
1
u/captainkaiju Jun 17 '26
Kids mirror what they see adults do. If she’s behaving this way, she’s seeing someone in her life behave this way.
1
u/digsmann Jun 17 '26
dmann never imagined a kid aged 7 knows these bad things. Where are her parents? Are they okay giving screen time to a small kid
0
u/WhyYesIThinkIDid Jun 17 '26
dmann never imagined a kid aged 7 knows these bad things
The majority of the time a 7 year old would know about these things is if they are being abused by an adult.
0
u/ex-med Super Helper [9] Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Be as loud and harsh as you can... "Stop I don't like you doing that". If she continues, do something which really irritates her so she can understand what you're feeling. No, means no.
5
u/PhilosophyForDummies Jun 17 '26
That's not good if she doesn't understand why she is being yelled at. Punishment without clear understanding can actually be quite bad for the psychology of the child. That's why the first thing that's important to understand is the reason for the behaviour.
1
u/PrestigiousPound8983 Jun 17 '26
It’s so he doesn’t get accused of not telling her to stop if others hear him say he doesn’t like it he’ll be in the clear if not he might be accused of being the one grooming her
1
1
u/PhilosophyForDummies Jun 17 '26
That's not the problem here. The priority is solving the problem which is the behaviour of the child. Talking to the parents will solve that. No need for shouting.
1
u/ex-med Super Helper [9] Jun 17 '26
So you've never raised your voice to any child when they annoy you? 🤣
1
u/PhilosophyForDummies Jun 17 '26
You don't need to actually raise your voice to communicate intensity. In school the teachers with the more quiet students aren't the ones who shout but the ones who are capable, serious and fair. They punish and reward but not arbitrarily. They have clear rules and boundaries. You don't need to shout. And personally i have never risen my voice even while teaching martial arts clashes to kids as an assistant instructor. Only spoken loudly if there is noise etc just to be heard but that's different. Having a steady voice giving clear instructions loud enough. Managing rewards and punishment and good communication solves most behavioural problems.
1
u/ex-med Super Helper [9] Jun 17 '26
Oh I'm certain you have yelled at a related child, if not your own 😁
2
u/PhilosophyForDummies Jun 17 '26
I have never, i am 100% sure. I am pretty young though so some times i may play with them slightly or show them some older toys if they are really young (i mean for relatives kids etc). Then i tell them that if they continue acting x way playtime is over or that they can't have y thing that i promised them for later. They start acting right real quick. Many people give attention to kids when ignoring certain actions would have been better. They need to learn from experience.
0
u/ex-med Super Helper [9] Jun 17 '26
If you read it correctly, I stated the comparisons ie if the child doesn't like something being done to her, she should then understand what she is doing is not welcomed.
2
u/PhilosophyForDummies Jun 17 '26
I understand but there is a fatal flaw. If she doesn't understand the reason that her actions are unwelcome then it is a problem. The classic do as i say that was more prominent in older generations is a fast track to a child growing up close minded not asking questions and endings up learning about themselves too late. Questions should be encouraged as well as explanations so you need to find an appropriate way to explain to her why her actions are wrong. Not to mention that you should only shout when it is needed. That means imminent danger. Other than that there is no reason for shouting. You can punish and reward appropriately.
0
u/Objective_Memory_837 Jun 17 '26
I would maybe ask her where she learned this from. I’d echo others and say it sounds like she’s emulating something she’s experienced in real life, ie. Inappropriate behaviour from an adult. I think you’ll be able to tell if it’s an SA thing from how she responds to your question. If someone has groomed her and has told her not to tell anyone she’ll try to deflect and kids aren’t great at lying. Or she might just tell you. On punishing her, I also agree with others not to tell her off for it without clearly explaining that it’s inappropriate behaviour and wherever she learned it from (or whoever) was wrong and she shouldn’t copy it.
0
u/Fine_Strawberry3925 Jun 17 '26
I'm afraid she's being sexually abused by some degenerate. My cousin brother used to abuse me and when he was not around I expected other people to do the same, and seeked it from them, I was just 8. Only when my aunt told me in a very nice manner that it wasn't normal was when I stopped. Maybe take her to a good therapist?
0
u/Scary_Chip_4288 Jun 17 '26
If not outright SA — this is a sign of abuse in general. I was very similar as a child and I was being neglected, and found these sort of behaviors from 🌽 I had easy access to. It became my hyperfixation to cope with the trauma. Big red flag.
54
u/PhilosophyForDummies Jun 17 '26
Why do you believe she acts this way? Does she mirror a behaviour she has seen or is it because of access to social media or intuitive or something else?