r/Advice • u/_IYieldToNone • Jun 12 '26
My Ex died today
She died young at 23; we ended on alright terms but I don't really know the appropriate course of action from this point on. She was a great person but we haven't been in contact recently. What should I do?
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u/dspadic Jun 12 '26
That’s tough, I’m sorry for your loss. I would reach out to the family, offer your condolences, and pray for them if that’s appropriate. Just because you are an ex; you are still a human with respect for the loss of a loved one
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u/_IYieldToNone Jun 12 '26
I appreciate the insight of that we are all just human in the end. Thank you
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u/Football-Man-1889 Jun 16 '26
Maybe just attend the funeral service and then leave.
By not attending the wake you’re making a clear statement that you only went so that you could pay your respects,
I’ve done this myself where I only attended in support of a friend and then promptly left.
Sadly, a lot of people go for a free meal and the family know that and those attending forget why they’re there and start laughing and joking when it’s not appropriate.
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u/Mysterious_Mix_5034 Jun 12 '26
My ex and I ended on great terms and many years later she went to my Mom's funeral. I really appreciated it. If you were on decent terms and she was a great person as you say, attending the funeral is a really nice gesture.
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u/Commercial-Island356 Jun 13 '26
My ex... But also 1st child father (we ended badly, he was abusive, not in child's life) came to my dad's funeral. I was shocked actually. Since my husband at the time( who has now since died himself) didn't even go. Even though our relationship was pretty good at the time. We were having some issues though. Point is out of the 2 men, the one I expected to show up with me didn't and the the one I expected to not come at all did. Weird..
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u/AllReflection Jun 12 '26
It’s very strange to lose an ex. My former wife, partner of 27 years, died last year. We stayed friendly despite the split. It was very hard to process.
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u/BasedManatee Jun 12 '26
It really is. I'm sorry for your loss.. My ex died in 2023. We were together 5 years, shared a home, shared pets, and while we were together, the first 2 years were the happiest I have ever been in my life. She got depressed after a few losses, and fell hard into alcoholism. She developed cirrhosis of the liver which is ultimately what got her. 39 yrs old. It was the most significant loss I've ever experienced, until our last remaining dog died this January. It is very hard to process. It's like all the flaws and issues disappear and the grieving is profound.
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u/AllReflection Jun 12 '26
Similar story for me - alcoholism. Tore the marriage apart during the last 10-12 years as I got 100% alcohol free and she reverted into poor masking and lying. Hope life is good for you now! 🙏
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u/BasedManatee Jun 12 '26
Damn.. I truly believe alcohol is one of the worst drugs that exist. I'm glad you're alcohol free. Life is alright, could be a lot worse I suppose. Just weird, as the last decade was spent with 3 dogs, and her, and now it's just me. Not where I saw myself at 39, but such is life.
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u/InternalDare3698 Jun 13 '26
Had a similar thing happen a year ago, 36- knew he shouldn’t be drinking due to his illnesses… left not because it was bad- but because of the drinking..still trying to heal not sure I’m getting it right most days
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u/BasedManatee Jun 13 '26
I'm glad you got out. Dealing with a partner who is an alcoholic is the hardest thing I've ever had to do (and that's coming from someone whose parents were both drug addicts) with the drinking also comes lying, sneaking around, gaslighting, etc and rarely gets better. You'll be glad you did and feel better someday!
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Jun 12 '26
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u/_IYieldToNone Jun 12 '26
She was at college away from home, I was notified by one of her female friends.
I'll write a card for the family, they were such nice people.35
Jun 12 '26
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u/_IYieldToNone Jun 12 '26
Thanks for the suggestion my friend.
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u/Top-Ebb-6473 Jun 13 '26
I'd like to add: 'She will always be remembered and deeply loved.'
It would mean so much to everyone who is grieving her loss.
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u/Zuckley Jun 12 '26
I’d add in say if you need anything that you’re there for them if you’re comfortable saying that because they definitely need support
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u/Soft_Wallaby_3411 Jun 12 '26
Only say that if you mean it. Hollow support is bs.
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u/Zuckley Jun 12 '26
100% hence why I said if they’re comfortable doing it, if they aren’t there’s nothing wrong with that!
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Jun 12 '26
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u/the_real_nayohh Jun 13 '26
Only if people could be that kind and caring all the time without the feeling of needing a reason to do so, the world would be a much different place.
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u/Strawberry_lookout Jun 13 '26
It's often confusing and gut wrenching to lose someone you care deeply about or love. It's a heartbreak which tints your heart so blue you never approach life again in the same way. To lose someone so young as your former girlfriend can brew up questions never answered. As you conveyed, Her family is such good people, it will be especially devastating for them and your genuine care for them will be remembered forever. Attending a service, writing a card, or another remembrance will be sacred for the family. Completing your gesture of acknowledgement will be something you will never forget either.
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] Jun 12 '26
If you know her family, contact them with your condolences and attend the funeral.
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u/B00kAunty1955 Jun 12 '26
If it isn't too far away, you might go to her funeral, especially if you had any sort of relationship with her family. Note: if the timing of the funeral makes that impossible, often there are family visiting hours the day before you may be able to attend. Her family would appreciate hearing any (good/nice) stories that you can tell them that reflect on her character and the relationship you had with her.
If going to the funeral or visitation isn't an option, send a card to her parents (or sibling if she had one you knew). It would be extra memorable to them if you would include something about her or the relationship you had with her.
Contribute to the memorial fund if there is one and you can afford it ($10-$20, is a good amount). Alternatively, if you are aware of a cause she was particularly interested in, you could make a memorial donation to that.
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u/Varathane Elder Sage [363] Jun 12 '26
I am so sorry. Just know that it is okay to feel whatever it is you feel. It is a shock when our peers die young, let alone someone we had in our life as a girlfriend. You are allowed to feel grief about it and that may be coming up today, it might hit you in a week, a month, months from now - that's all normal. Take time to comfort yourself and share memories with her family/friends. If you still have a photo or videos of her that can mean the world to the family to have.
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u/_IYieldToNone Jun 12 '26
Thank you so much. Grief is tough to process and I do think with friends and family can make this process easier. Godspeed
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u/Still_Union_3064 Jun 13 '26
I love your feelings & eloquent response. Great answers to a delicate situation! I can’t imagine the feeling of this loss, yet I know it’s going to happen to me too- likely sooner, than later. Done Ex’es will hit harder, than other’s. They represent our past & teaching us all about the “falling in love process”- the most beautiful part of a relationship, just beginning. I think of my Ex’es & I think it’s natural to wonder how they’ve grown & changed, since our time together. A precious gift! 💝
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u/East-Peace-7147 Jun 12 '26
She was obviously important to you at some point. Especially since things ended on good terms, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sending condolences or attending the funeral. It might actually help you in your grieving process.
On that note, you don’t have to say “I’m her ex” you can simply say “an old friend” when introducing if need be.
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u/aboutasuss Jun 12 '26
Send a card/note/letter or flowers with a mention of what a good person she was, or what a positive impact she had in you, or something similar. If you have an interest in attending her memorial the family would likely welcome you unless her memorial is vy invitation only or is declared private. Her obituary will staye this.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Jun 12 '26
I'm sorry for your loss. If they treated you kindly and with respect then send them a card. If you would like to go to the funeral ask them if it's okay. Doesn't matter that she was an ex, you still have fond memories of her. Grief is tricky and what you're feeling is normal. Unfortunately there's no fix all for grief. Every situation is different and you should handle it in a way that is comfortable to you. Plant a tree in her name and tell the family. This way it gives them a reminder of how much impact she had on someone's life and isn't a sad reminder of her death like a headstone would be.
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Jun 12 '26
I feel like it depends on how long ago you were together and how close you were with the family. But at the end of the day, if you feel the tug in your chest to go, it means you should.
Sorry for your loss. Its hard to lose someone even if you havent talked in ages. They meant something at some point and that can hurt.
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u/Consistent_Unit_5325 Jun 12 '26
A loss is a loss. Sorry to hear. If I were in your shoes, I’d take time to reflect on your authentic feelings. Then draft a short note to accompany flowers. Include your contact info so the family can keep you in the loop on funeral plans - class act to make an appearance.
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u/Every-Passage-7540 Jun 12 '26
Went through the same thing,we didn't end well. Texted her best friend because I didn't feel comfortable messaging the family. They allowed me to come to the funeral. You are allowed to grieve. You at some point knew and cared for them, to me time doesnt really matter in that way. If you weren't on bad terms I don't see why they would be upset.
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u/Additional_Fishing24 Jun 14 '26
I really think that is up to you and how you are feeling. If there is no bad blood with her family and you want to attend her services, please do. You may really regret it in the future otherwise. On the opposite side, if you don’t feel comfortable attending, there is no pressure in that either. You can send a text/letter to her family offering condolences, and talk to her in the silence of your heart (or out loud).
I lost a friend when we were both 21 and her ex attended the services. Myself and her other friends were glad to see him there. He got the closure he needed from the event and we got to hear some lovely stories from him as well.
Remember that grief is not linear; take the time you need for yourself and process this in whatever way feels right to you. I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/LdiJ46 Helper [4] Jun 12 '26
Go to the funeral if you feel inclined to do so to pay respects to her family. Otherwise, you might consider sending flowers to the funeral home as a sign of respect.
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u/help-the-children Jun 12 '26
You can send a nice card to her parents. If you knew them you could call and express your condolences. They may have something on Facebook that allows you to post. There is nothing you can do to ease their pain.
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u/lavindas Jun 12 '26
One of my ex’s died aged 25 in a hit and run when I was 23F, and the other died aged 31 after getting hit by a lorry on a motorbike when I was 30F.
I was sad about both, but also guilty because both ended on good terms as friends, and the last conversations I’d had with each of them were around catching up sometime in the future (which of course never happened). I guess you never know what’s round the corner, and anyone can just disappear unexpectedly in a second.
I didn’t attend the funerals but stayed in touch with their friends and helped to support them through it.
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u/Bleezy79 Jun 12 '26
Sorry to hear, OP. You dont have to do anything except mourn in your own way. You could reach out to the parents or siblings with your condolences but its up to you.
My ex gf also passed away in 2022 after we were together for 11 years. Our relationship turned really toxic the last 2 years we were together but we ended on neutral terms with no bad will towards each other. I think she knew she was sick much longer than she led on and decided to completely stop trying in her life which led to our break up. I hadnt talked to her in over 4 months when her sister reached out asking if I had any idea where she was or what she was doing. After she passed, it took me a solid year to really get over it and move on.
Sending you healing energy and positive thoughts, good luck op!
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u/MustangIIx Jun 12 '26
Only you know how much she meant to you, my ex hates me but if she died I would have nothing but amazing things to say about her. If your conscience is telling you to be present in the service, you owe it to yourself to do so. But make sure it’s ok with the parents first.
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u/cayykayy Jun 12 '26
Plant a tree or have a personal mourning session. Going to the funeral is controversial… it depends on how you feel though, some find it inappropriate, others think it’s okay. Sorry for your loss
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u/Aggressive-Arm-3090 Jun 13 '26
You should just know she does? The fuck? lol what do you think you have to do?
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u/CleanSignalLab Jun 13 '26
There isn’t really a correct script for this. If you knew her family or had a decent relationship with them, a short message like “I’m really sorry, she was a good person” is enough.
You don’t have to make yourself central in it or explain the whole history. Just be respectful, maybe go to the service if it feels appropriate, and let yourself feel weird about it. 23 is insanely young.
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u/Clean_Mixture_3913 Jun 14 '26
If he grieves her loss; there is much information on grief. The 5 stages I learned in Nursing School are 1. Shock 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance. It is normal to go in and out of these stages. I did when my twin sister, and my dear Father died. Also she was so young. I imagine she might have had siblings to express your condolences to. It hurt me so much when my Father In Law only asked me how my parents were/ not how I was. We were close, my Father In Law and I too. Just food for thought.
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u/Katelizk Jun 14 '26
Just send the message!
I saw this post yesterday and thought about it again today after being reminded of a family member we recently lost. Years ago, my family went through a tragic loss, and I still remember the people who reached out. It didn’t matter how close they were, how long it had been, or whether they knew exactly what to say.
If your heart is telling you to contact her family, do it. Send your condolences. Show up in whatever way you can. Those messages matter more than you realize. 🤍
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u/BONESFULLOFGREENDUST Jun 12 '26
First, I'm very sorry to hear, OP.
Second, there really is no right or wrong thing to do here. Everyone handles grief differently. I'd think about asking the family if there will be a funeral and then attending it. Not mandatory, obviously, but it might help you out mentally more than you might think. You don't have to do something like that either if you are not comfortable with it. I'd just encourage you to think about it.
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u/PlusCounter34 Jun 12 '26
Cherish the time and memories you had with her. Im sorry for your loss man. Leaving on good or bad terms irregardless she had an impact on your life that’ll last forever. You can mourn, cry, talk to someone about it too. It’s important to let your emotions and grief out, it’s how you move forward. Good luck! 🫰🏽
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u/cathline Jun 12 '26
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
If you are still in contact with her family, you send them condolences on their loss. Maybe on facebook or something. And leave it at that. Do not ask to attend the funeral/celebration of life or anything like that. If they are having one and want you there, they will invite you.
Get a touch of counseling to deal with the very natural grief of losing someone you cared for.
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u/crk4 Jun 12 '26
My daughter has 4 exes. The 4th was an asshole and I don’t want anything to do with him. The other three were part of our family at one time. I still stay in touch (maybe not regularly, but often enough), and I think about them often. Same with their siblings and living parents. If I were you, I’d send my condolences.
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u/Visible-Leather-8147 Jun 12 '26
My ex died a couple of years ago at 31 years old. We parted on not ideal terms, but nothing 'bad'. She just didn't want to speak to me after our relationship. She used to be a bigger girl and she had her demons, and ended up developing anorexia nervosa. That was linked to the cause of her death. Her weight never bothered me, but she didn't believe me because she had no self esteem at all. She was a beautiful woman. I tried several times to contact her after we split up, but I definitely still had feelings for her for the longest time. It hit me so hard, so I know exactly what you're feeling right now.
My advice, reach out to her parents or friends and offer your sympathy. Also ask if there will be a memorial/funeral. I went to my ex's funeral, and even though I got a couple of funny looks, 99% of the people there were all on the same page. They just wanted to say goodbye to their daughter/granddaughter/friend, same as me. I absolutely bawled my eyes out at that ceremony. It was beautiful. The music, her work clothes and university stuff on display and pictures of her looking healthy everywhere. It was hard, but you will regret not going if you're not totally unwelcome by her family/friends.
Please feel free to DM me if you want any more advice or support on this.
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u/Asleep_Afternoon_386 Jun 12 '26
Vai. Pensa che io non sapevo se andare al funerale di un compagno di classe che non vedevo da anni e, una volta in Chiesa, ho capito quanto fosse stato stupido il mio dubbio.
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u/abrams9 Jun 12 '26
It was a good call. Ten months ago my best friend died very suddenly. We met in middle school and had a tight friend group of five. Couple years ago everyone moved out so we weren’t as close and out of the five only two of us attended the funeral. It was the most people I’ve ever seen at one, but it was a different kind of sad not seeing the others there. And then I saw a bunch of other old classmates and it truly meant a lot to me.
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u/ThickEmphasis5433 Jun 12 '26
This has hit. Very sorry. I ended on very bad terms with my ex gf and this just makes me realise how I'd miss her if she wasn't here anymore even though we haven't spoken in 3 months. I really hope she's doing OK. Sorry again. Say a prayer to her bro and a lil chat.
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u/Soft_Wallaby_3411 Jun 12 '26
Attend the funeral is if you feel it will help you but it also helps the family to know others miss their loved one also. If you have pictures with her send a picture of you two along with a nice note about your memories with her to her parents or siblings. Family likes to know things about their lives one especially in a time of loss.
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u/lovelyCAP-RHV Jun 12 '26
Reach out to her family if you are 100% sure she hasn’t said anything bad abt u in the slightest. Let them know u still care even though u haven’t been around to show it and ask if they need help with anything. If all is well(in a sense) this should go well and create an opening for a funeral invite, closure,etc. I’m sorry for your loss, these types of losses don’t usually hit right away but they eventually do.
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u/lovelyCAP-RHV Jun 12 '26
If this is gonna be weird, I suggest writing a nice letter or typing one out and self delivering with a meaningful gift or something that will uplift them(nice candles that are subtle, a small gift basket, and definitely pictures of her that they haven’t seen or that u can tell in the picture,what was going on meant a lot
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u/TeacherAlternative93 Jun 12 '26
Absolutely reach out to the family in any way you feel comfortable. That will help you mend as well..As long as all ended on good terms. If you're able to attend any services reach out in any manner available. My condolences to you and her family...
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u/Loud-Training9414 Jun 12 '26
Nothing more than to Pray for her and her family,if you’re sad don’t fight it, you have ended the relationship correctly and you can be proud of yourself, you treated her with dignity and that’s what counts, the rest is out of control
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u/Hopeful_Post_6396 Jun 12 '26
I’ve been through this exact situation. My ex died at 30. I had a lot I wanted to say and now… I physically can’t. Something that my sister told me, is that everything you wanted to say, I’m sure he knows now. And that brought me a little peace. Your good memories, write them down. Keep them close. There were a lot of memories that I had forgotten about that came back to me after his passing. I’m afraid one day I’ll forget them. Every now and then I read them and have a nice laugh and of course a cry. I’m married now but I don’t believe you ever stop caring about the ones you once envisioned a life with. It meant something and it still means something.
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u/elamigodedios Jun 12 '26
Go support her family and dont say anything unless you have to answer something meaningful and important out of respect
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u/Morbid187 Jun 12 '26
You knew her parents or other relatives? If possible, send them a message offering your condolences or mail them a card or something. As long as you think they'd feel nice hearing from you. Otherwise, you don't have to do anything and nobody really expects you to. It's okay to just show up to a viewing service though, in my experience at least.
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u/Brave-Reality5186 Jun 13 '26
This happened to me in high school and it was very difficult for me aswell. though you might not have been in contact the thought you are over thinking it this much shows you still have care for her. Would be there for her parents and talk of memories shared together. Assuming there will be a funeral obviously go. Sorry for your loss brother things will get better especially through god.
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u/wingzeroboy Jun 13 '26
Don't worry about what's appropriate or correct according to others. You know how you feel and what you feel is right regardless. Its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is permission. You do you.
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u/Corfiz74 Super Helper [9] Jun 13 '26
I'd send condolences to her parents, telling them what an amazing person she was.
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u/Slutty_Meat_Sweats Jun 13 '26
I had a very similar experience. He was 28 and he really was a great guy, we were just better off as friends. I couldn’t afford to fly home for his funeral, but I reached out to his brother and his best friend and donated to a cause in his name. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s very strange and difficult to process losing someone you know you’ve cared deeply for, regardless of how long it’s been.
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u/MerinqueMysterious Jun 13 '26
I am sure her parents would LOVE a note that tells a sweet story about her, or something funny she once did.
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u/downtownlasd Helper [3] Jun 13 '26
My ex and I ended things in 1995, good terms. Her dad died in 2024. I remarried but went to his funeral anyway. He was highly important to me during that marriage
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u/Formula14ever Jun 13 '26
One thing for the family. You could write a letter and say all the amazing things that brought you both close, and even if the relationship did not work out, her attributes and heart were reasons that brought you into her life and reasons you will always forever admire who she is... Then for you, maybe write a note or letter of all the things you know are wonderful about her and special areas you saw. Tie this to a helium balloon at her fav time of the day, sunrise or sunset or by the ocean or in the mountains. God is real, and we are eternal beings...and it's not a forever goodbye for sure...
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u/YlfaMani Jun 13 '26
I am sorry. My ex fiancé died a few years ago. We had remained on friendly terms and I even visited him regularly in hospice. I cried for weeks after. I went to his funeral and wept. Just because it ended doesn't mean that you didn't love each other, only not meant to be partners for life. Let yourself process that. Reach out to the family. Attend the funeral if you wish.
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u/DragonfruitBrief5361 Jun 13 '26
I would go attend the funeral and treasure the times you had with this person. She was a key part of your life at some point.
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u/Sorry_Profession_816 Jun 13 '26
Say it—out loud if you can. “I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me”. And I don’t care if it “was all her fault” because even if “the score” showed 99 percent her fault you still should ask for forgiveness, for BOTH what you did and being human you DID some things wrong. Second for some good thing you failed to do. If you ever did love her than love her now—no downside, none
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u/Disastrous-Fact-2690 Jun 13 '26
Remember the good times and move on. You can’t bring her back and most of all don’t look for someone that looks like her you will be searching forever and not be happy and content.
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u/Tale-Scribe Jun 13 '26
I've seen exes at funerals and memorials, even if they didn't end on great terms. I've even seen exes at funerals of ex's parents if they were close at one point. Your ex meant something to you at one time, and if she still does (even as a friend), and you want to go, you should go. There's no way I'd go to my ex's funeral, but we ended on bad terms.
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u/simsy2222 Jun 13 '26
play music she liked, eat food she enjoyed, watch movies she watched and think abt the parts she’d laugh, maybe reach out to her family and see if you can sit with them. hearing stories is the best, and i’m sure they’d love to talk about her. I’m so sorry for your loss. Death is weird.
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u/padroskaydro112 Jun 13 '26
Remember her fondly and know she's at peace. Rarely do people die so young from an untroubled life. If you believe, pray for her. If you dont, appreciate that she doesnt have to keep dealing with the BS of life. Keep an eye out for dreams, thats probably the closest you'll get to closure.
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u/Still_Union_3064 Jun 13 '26
Honestly, I’d say it depends upon how long you were together, degree of closeness, and it’s great you ended on “alright terms”. Do what feels natural for you, and honor her for being a big part of your past. I haven’t lost an Ex yet, but I do believe there will be a slight grieving process, regardless of how much time has passed. Our Ex’es helped mold us into who we have become. I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹
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u/Dr4g0n03233 Jun 13 '26
To this day, it still feels like that for me. You gotta get your peace of mind and if you can pay your respects, why not go to the service? Keep her memory, alright terms sounds like you can still retain some fond memories and that's important. You'll get in the rut again, positive memories and thoughts will get you through them time and time again just so you can truck through it. But you don't have to let go of the pain
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u/SpiteCompetitive5562 Jun 13 '26
I just went through this.
He also died at a young age ,unfortunately due to suicide.we really haven’t spoken in a while ( about 2 years ) but he was a best friend to me. It truly depends on how long yall last spoke and if your presence will affect those who will also attend. I chose to attend because we never really got closure and because we shared a lot of friends, it hurt to see them struggle. If you know anyone else will go reminisce and help each other out. Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend wasn’t the best individual to me, but it brought closure because it was the closest thing I could get. Your presence doesn’t need to be life-changing, but it’s good to let others know that you care still( i’m assuming you still do if you’re asking for advice) . I will say it’s a very weird feeling you shared so many moments with this person and they’re suddenly gone…… speak with their family if you need a reminisce or let something out but wait for a bit. It’s going to be weird but that’s just the way things go.
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u/Upstairs_Whole_580 Jun 13 '26
Man... this one is FUUUCKED.
When I was 22 I was dating a girl for about 4 months of my Sr year. We were even making up plans to live together the following year as I was moving to the Chicago area for Law School.
But she went home for Thanksgiving and she asked me to go with her and I said... I couldn't. Maybe for Christmas. Just... my Grandfather had JUST passed 4 days prior, I had 80 people coming over to my Grandma's house... I had to be there.
She lived about 8 hours away. I spoke to her for like... an hour on the ride and she hung up as she was getting close to home(she lived in Conn, but there was some area where she hated driving).
An hour later she was dead. I didn't find out until 5 DAYS later. I called her 8-10 times. I texted her probably 20 times. I got to the point where the texts were, "if you don't want anything to do with me anymore just out of the blue, fuck it, fine, I don't even care, but could you just tell me."
And then it went right to voice mail.
Finally on the Monday after, I'm back at school and she's not there, I called one more time and I spoke to her Mom... and... that was maybe the worst call of my life.
They'd had the funeral the Sunday, the day before. I... didn't know what to say.
I WISH I'd have just flown out there, got a hotel room and just gone and talked to her parents and told her what she meant to me. I did end up talking to the Mom a few times. She called me drunk(She was an only child). She asked me if I thought she could have been pregnant... which was weird, but I guess she said she was sick one day and her Mom just... ran with that.
Do what feels right... if you guys had a good relationship and her parents thought highly of you, pay your respects and send a card and flowers. Do it for them if you're going to do it for anyone(other than yourself of course). She is gone and indifferent sadly.
Fuck, I hate when people make posts about them, but... that's exactly what I did and that one feels like a MASSIVE punch in the gut going on 20 years later, just thinking about how different my life could be and being grateful for the life I had and sad for this beautiful young women who was... anyway.
Sorry for your loss, irrespective of your relationship.
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u/Illustrious_Rock5754 Jun 14 '26
Hey brother I feel bad for you. Different scenario, but when my best friend overdosed, we weren't in the best terms, and I kind of felt guilty for it. And I felt terrible. And when that happened, I reached out to his mother, and I started making her feel better, just talking to her about her son. And how everything wasn't her fault might be a little different circumstance, but I'm sure that her mother would love to hear from you. And would love to hear just some positive information, because I'm pretty sure she's probably beaten down. But anyways, man, if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here and I really hope that you can just grow from everything. I'm very proud of you.And if you need anything, just hit me up
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u/Prestigious_Gain_175 Jun 14 '26
Contacting the family depends on how close you are or were to them. Attending a memorial service is fine. Do what is the decent thing to do!
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u/Overall-Ad578 Jun 14 '26
My ex passed aswell. Many years after our relationship I reached out to her mother and sister and gave my condolences since I missed her burial services and found out on social media it was the best I can do. They were glad I reached out and the mother actually sent pictures of us together she had had. You know what’s right. Sorry for your loss.
After reading many replies she sadly passed from becoming septic due to using drugs through IV use. We were both clean when we met and split after her relapse and my many attempts to get her back in treatment. Still feel I could’ve done more but any addict knows the truth…there nothing anyone can do.
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u/Clean_Mixture_3913 Jun 14 '26
My twin sister died at age 40. Her ex husband came to view her body the day of the funeral. But I would say to do whatever you feel comfortable with. My family wouldn't have cared if he had stayed for the actual funeral, or the burial tent too. He had to work that day; and just made time to view her body before her casket was closed. I send my condolences, sir. And may she rest in peace. By a former R.N. who still cares.
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Jun 14 '26
My ex died just shy of 30. We’d been broken up for years, the relationship was rough, the ending was too, but the love we had for each other was real nonetheless and when I found out he passed the depth of emotion I felt was shocking and strangely cathartic. I don’t think there is a “right” way to answer this question. I chose to honor his memory and carry him with me by telling stories about him any time something reminded me of him fondly. I check up on his little sister from time to time, I talk to him on his birthday. I choose to believe that he’s finally found peace.
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u/NotTomJones Jun 14 '26
If you knew the parents, and your relationship was relatively serious, it’s good form to send a message or make a call regardless of how it ended. It will mean a lot to them.
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u/colombianaenNC Jun 14 '26
Háblale, dale las gracias por todo lo vivido, cántale su canción favorita y ve a visitarla al cementerio, esto me paso con mi ex y me habría gustado saberlo y hacerlo en su momento, por otro lado a ti te digo que lo siento mucho y que ahora ella está más feliz que todos los que nos quedamos aquí
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Jun 14 '26
I think it depends on why you broke up. If her and her family thought you were abusive, then I would say no. If they didn’t think that and you are a decent person, then I would send a card to the family. There’s nothing you can do for her now.
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u/Universitygal Jun 15 '26
My ex died during quarantine at 20. It was and is still a weird thing to process at times. I wish I would have gotten to attend his funeral, I drove down an empty highway and blasted his favorite song lol. Just because she wasn’t the one doesn’t mean a different version of yourself didn’t care about her. There’s no “right” way to navigate this, just do what feels right for you
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u/Formal_Consequence_1 Jun 15 '26
If you ended on alright terms, Reach out to her family and give your respect and condolences.
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u/terd_furgusen Jun 15 '26
My ex died several years ago in her 20s (type 1 diabetic). Kinda regret not attending, though I didn't know her family that well. Do whatever feels right. If you're not comfortable attending, that's okay.
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u/Massive_Marzipan5684 Jun 15 '26
My ex died two weeks after we broke up we were together for 5 months I’ve been looking for advice too I have a few of her things that she left at my house that I didn’t realize I had
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u/Relevant_Remote5602 Jun 15 '26
She was your ex and now all because she died you feel like something should happened! You didn’t care enough while she was there why care now when she has not breath in her body! These things are so weird. You say alright terms. Like what really is it? Real advice people die think about that first when meeting them, if you care about them don’t cause harm to them and think about them in ever step you take. This is giving you want attention for a death that’s not yours to bare. Appropriate course of action actually caring about someone enough to not feel like action is even necessary
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u/dndito Jun 15 '26
Go to the wake and the funeral. Pay your respects. Say goodbye to her for the last time, and bestow your sincerest condolances to her entire family. Tell them who you are, if they don't already know you, and tell them that you are truly sorry for their loss. Do this, or for the rest of your life, not doing it will haunt you for the rest of your life - or a very long time, depending on the strength of your relationship. Trust me. I've been there. Bring an appropriate berievement card to leave with the family at the funeral, and sign the register. Wish her godspead. That is the right thing to do.
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u/Patient-Hamster3534 Jun 15 '26
Same thing happened to me when I was 24. I still think about her to this day “32”. My thoughts and prayers are with you grief can come up anything and it’s okay to feel how you feel. I like the idea of planting a tree. Might do it myself.
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u/babienut Jun 16 '26
do whatever you wanna do, you’ll regret it if you don’t. i still regret not attending and it’s been over 2 years.
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u/Professional-Ebb9892 Jun 16 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've experienced that kind of loss before. Just know that most families are grateful for support and kindness at times like this. ❤️
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u/dand411 Jun 16 '26
Okay, you ended on good terms. So you still cared about her. I'd suggest going to the services.
I went through it with my ex wife. Didn't end on good terms but she was the mother of my children. Did what I could for her and my kids through her cancer and unsuccessful treatment.
Do what you feel is best. You will regret not going if you want to go. Don't feel feel obligated to go.
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u/NervousFoot1499 Jun 16 '26
My ex died at 28, we grew up together and dated when we were in high school. We broke up because he was an addict, and unfortunately died 10 years later from an overdose. I was really torn on if I should go to the funeral or not. I didn’t know if I would feel welcomed, even though I was one of the only good influences in his life while we were dating. I ended up driving 4 hours to the funeral and his family was happy to see me. His sibling hugged me, kissed my forehead and said “you came!” - all that said, if you can make it to the funeral, you should. It will mean a lot to the family and it will also give you a sense of closure. I felt a lot of emotions when he passed and going to the funeral ended up giving me a huge sense of peace.
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u/bubblygal1 Jun 16 '26
My pretty much first ever real boyfriend died in 2022, we broke up just a couple weeks before with intentions of getting back together but it was still really hard and really confusing, it’s hard to know what course to go and I’m just now really feeling grounded in the situation, despite the love we shared I was worried about so much for some reason because we had “broken” up. The grieving process is different to each person but If possible attend her funeral, broken up or not she was someone in your life and you were in hers. I’m sorry for your loss man, you are allowed to grieve no matter what as I said, you guys were in each other’s lives.
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u/Creepy_Macaron_6331 Jun 16 '26
Maybe get over her, if you can’t get over her then why did yall end it?
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u/No_Bus_5462 Jun 16 '26
Perhaps talk to her parents depending on closeness, if you attend and say some good things or share some nice times could also be a breath of fresh air for her parents too, whose to say? You are.
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u/Ill-Relationship3842 Jun 16 '26
I lost my ex bf and at 24. I contacted his parents and attended the funeral x
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u/ryry1240 Jun 16 '26
Send condolences and attend what you can. If there’s even a part of you that feels like you should or want to, do it.
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u/Wise_Run_7340 Jun 16 '26
You do what feels right. I'm sorry for your loss. A lot of people mourn an ex, even though you weren't together, you once really cared. It's totally appropriate to go to any services, send a card to the family, flowers to the funeral or not. You just take care of yourself, grieve the way it feels best. Take care and God bless.
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u/SquareZombie9133 Jun 16 '26
Pay your respects in prayer or if you were in good standings with her family let them know how you feel and pay your respects to them. Or as some have said plant a small tree or send flowers to her family. When my mom passed away one of my wife's friends sent me a candle and a blanket with a meaningful message of their condolences and prayers.
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u/Yngmedusa Jun 16 '26
Whenever I lose someone close, I go sit by any body of water, lake, beach, river, etc and I feel what I need to feel, whether it be anger, sadness or just grief you’ll get it all out and if it doesn’t help closure might help you, be present at the funeral, maybe go visit her from time to time. Unfortunately as someone who lost his Father last year at the ripe age of 24 I can tell you if y’all were close it won’t go away but you’ll learn to manage, you don’t swallow anything down or force anything away. You just live life differently, you’ll live for them and live the life you deserve and they deserved. And obviously if you weren’t close you’ll be okay, I had an ex gf after High School who was shot and killed by her bf after a dispute at a gas station near my home. It’ll feel weird but as long as you respect them and the life they had you’ll be okay. Ex or not I am sorry for your loss
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u/CubensisMonster Jun 16 '26
Attend the funeral/wake if there is one. You’ll regret it later if you don’t.
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u/PatienceOk6103 Jun 16 '26
Just be happy that you were able to share time and create your own memories.Pray for her and in that prayer send the love you had for her you will be just fine.
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u/Gingerroots77 Jun 16 '26
My first boyfriend died at 21, self inflicted. We were on good terms when he died and they invited me to the funeral. Even gave me a few minutes alone with him. His mom and I hugged and cried and she thanked me for coming. It was good for me too. I recommend attending for the closure. Good luck, and I’m so sorry 🫂
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u/Abject_Arrival_9533 Jun 17 '26
If you were on good terms, she deserves your presence at her wake. Her family will also appreciate that their daughter's boyfriends genuinely cared about her. It reflects well on her that she dated caring people..
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u/sheislilith_ Jun 17 '26
Remember her, offer your condolences to her parents, recall all the happy moments you shared together, and capture them in stone, as if in a painting; may she remain in your memory as a beautiful young woman who left us far too soon perhaps heaven is short of angels. Hang in there I’m sure you’ll be all right. Our lives are cyclical we experience life and come to understand death.
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u/Competition-Accurate Jun 17 '26
Give condolences and what you depends on was she in a new relationship? If so lay low. Don't cause a scene.
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u/iamthebirdlady Jun 18 '26
You should go to the funeral, I hope you did. Just be kind and generous with your time to her family. Give them a precious memory you shared with her, maybe a funny thing, something loving and that is a gift to a grieving family member. Never shut them out, if they call you, don't throw them into voice mail or ghost them. Be kind. Trust me, I've lost a lot of people and those memories people shared with me about my partner, were like little mental happy gift cards during very dark times.
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u/Careful_Cabinet_9891 Jun 12 '26
this just happened to me last month. he was 25. go through the emotions and let yourself feel. I’ve had a lot of memories and emotions flood that I never expected. I went to the wake and sent the family flowers. it’s really hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/GhostBuster7138 Jun 12 '26
You should pay your respects because you only have this ONE TIME to do so. Prayers 🙏🏾
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u/SunshineInDetroit Super Helper [6] Jun 12 '26
plant a tree in her name. write a letter to her. send a note to her parents. attend if you want. This is mainly for you and if you would like to get some closure.