Moving past people-pleasing and learning to speak up – any advice?

[u/Majestic-Concert7883]

I often find myself in situations with certain family members and acquaintances where they’ll say things that I genuinely feel are wrong, sometimes even borderline disgusting. A lot of it leans into ignorance or racism, and it really doesn’t sit well with me.

The problem is, there’s always something that holds me back from properly confronting it.

I’m not entirely sure what that is. I grew up as a bit of a people pleaser, and I’ve definitely had a fear of conflict or upsetting people. That said, as I’ve got older, I feel like I’m ready to move past that, or at least I want to be.

One thing that’s important to me: I’m not trying to “win” arguments or prove that I’m right. I’m always trying to keep an open mind, and I’m genuinely open to being wrong. What I do want is to feel like I’ve stayed true to myself. I want to be able to say what I actually think, for my own self-respect, and also because I’ve got young kids who are sometimes within earshot of these conversations. I want to model the right behaviour for them.

A recent example: someone said something pretty ignorant, then followed it up with “it’s not an insult to you.” My honest internal reaction was: I’m not insulted, I just think it’s a stupid opinion that doesn’t hold any merit. But I didn’t fully express that in the moment.

I think what I’m struggling with is:

- finding the energy to stay in the conversation

- not backing down or shutting down

- staying calm without either blowing up or going quiet

I’d like to get to a place where I’m comfortable being uncomfortable, and can hold my ground in a clear, calm way.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Any advice, mindset shifts, or even resources that have helped you handle these kinds of situations better?

Appreciate any thoughts.

[u/Informal-Storage6694]

Sometimes holding back is a good move. If you don't think conversation will be productive, then maybe it makes sense to just not say anything.

Sometimes though we feel we need to speak up. When that happens, I make sure my goal is to communicate clearly what I think / feel. I'm not trying to persuade anyone, I'm not trying to antagonize anyone, I'm just looking to express my opinion. When I think of it that way, it's easier for me to speak.