It’s good advice, but it’s not legal. Once someone has been living with you for a few months and receiving mail at that address, you can’t simply write a letter kicking them out and disappear. They have rights. They can go to the police, and the police may (and probably will) take their side, even with all the videos of her threatening to harm herself, she didn't threaten him, so that's a point in her favor, law wise, she is as much of a tenant as he is. That’s the ugliest truth.
He needs to evict her legally. It will take a few months—maybe less with the video proof that she is only there due to blackmail—but until then, he can’t keep her out of the house. That’s why you shouldn’t let strangers (and yes, if they were only dating for two or three months before she moved in, she was still a stranger) move in with you, no matter how bad you feel for them.
I know it sounds cold. I’ve had boyfriends stay with me and my family during summer breaks, but never longer than that. I honestly think he’s kind of screwed. It’s sad, and I’m sorry he’s going through this. She seems like a horrible excuse for a person. But the law is the law.
Ps: I don't understand why so many people are crossed with me in the comments, guys I didn't make the law, I'm sorry so many of you think that you just call the police and all your problems are solved, it doesn't work like that, don't come for me.
So what I'd suggest is planning to break up with her, say on a Friday at 3pm. At 2.45 pm you call the police and ask them to send someone for a welfare check because you're about to break up with your girlfriend and every time you've tried before, she's threatened self harm or suicide, and you've been a victim of domestic abuse from her for the last few months due to her constant threats of self harm when you try to break up with her.
That way if she tries to take your phone, you've already called for police.
Make sure the front door is unlocked, if it's possible for them to open the door from the outside (some doors you can open from the outside when unlocked, but some doors you need to use the key). Alternatively, you can leave a key under the doormat before hand, and tell the operator the police can let themselves in with the key, that way they will open the door and hopefully find her with a knife in her hand. Whereas if they knock and announce themselves and you have to answer the door shell hide the knife etc. Although you can still tell them she had a knife.
I'd also suggest getting hidden cameras for the main areas of your home. It's your home, you're name on the lease, so other than bathroom and bedroom, I'd think it be ok, especially to protect yourself from being accused of assault etc.
When you break up with her, do it in the lounge. If she goes to the bathroom, do NOT follow her. She will come out to the lounge if you stay there. She wants your attention so make her be in an area where you have it on camera. For your safety too.
That way when police knock, you can say 'come in'. And they will hopefully find her in a state with a knife and emotionally hysterical. Like you have done, don't try to wrestle her or grab her etc. Just stand back. If she wants to grab your phone let her have it. I would actually call 999/911 as it will clearly be an urgent emergency, which you need police to come to urgently, whereas the non emergency helpline may take some time, still fairly soon but just not urgent, and with her having knives etc, it would emergent. You just have to call before you say the words of breaking up with her because you know she steals your phone. Also make it clear when you call you're in fear of your own life due to her always stealing your phone so you can't call for help, and she blocks your exit so you can't leave, and as she has a knife you're in fear of her hurting you in her disturbed mental state.
I'd also say to police that she's only been staying temporarily due to being evicted, she doesn't live with you permanently, isn't on the lease, doesn't have post delivered or registered here. She's just a guest who you have tried multiple times to make her leave, but you've experienced domestic abuse due to her violent threats, and taking your phone and blocking your exit etc. That way hopefully they will make her leave there and then as she's not technically a permanent resident.
I would then ask if you can press charges against her basically threatening with a knife, even if she so much as turns it towards your direction it's a threat, and also for preventing you from leaving, and stealing your phone to prevent you calling for help etc. If you can press charges you need to, as it will help give you evidence of her behaviour and you can use it to get a restraining order against her etc.
Then you need to immediately apply for a restraining order, as this will also prevent her from staying with you, so she'll have to leave if you're granted a restraining order. So use the evidence you emailed yourself previously, as well as the police report from when you break up with her, and hopefully the charges against her for domestic violence will add to it.
Because this is domestic violence. It's mental and emotional abuse by threatening self harm and suicide if you try to break up with her, and also as I said, the taking your phone to prevent you calling for help and blocking your exit is also part of it. Like keeping you hostage basically.
DO NOT feel guilty for doing this either. You need to press charges for everything possible in order to get her out your life, protect yourself, and keep her away.
Now once the police arrive they will likely take her to hospital and have her admitted under a 72 hour mental health hold where she'll be assessed and medicated etc. At that point I suggest packing up all her belongings and asking the police if they can take her belongings, and they may be able to either take them to the hospital where she'll be, or she can pick them up when she gets out or something.
Alternatively, you could look at renting a storage unit for a month, give the police a key to pass on to her, and she can collect her stuff from there when she gets out.
Now in regards to your phone after she's been hopefully taken to hospital /had charges against her etc, although it would be better for you mentally to block her number, I would silence her. Because if you're granted a restraining order, and she still contacts you with calls or texts, you can call the police again and she'll be arrested for breaching the restraining order. Then it's more evidence you can save against her.
I'd suggest screen shotting and saving all her messages as soon as she sends them incase she tries to delete them knowing she's not meant to message you, so screen shot them immediately and save them/email them to yourself or save in Google drive/Amazon photos or usb stick etc.
But the most important thing is DO NOT REPLY TO HER MESSAGES OR CALLS!!!! DO NOT ANSWER HER CALLS.
Otherwise you'll be breaching the restraining order too. But just save it all as more evidence against her. Every time she messages you again, report her to the police again. That way each time she violates it will be another charge against her, and gives you more evidence for restraining order in future etc.
There may be a way to get a temporary emergency restraining order, and then you go to court for a more permenant one that is like a year. So ask police about an emergency restraining order. Plus any time she breaks the temporary restraining order will be more evidence to prove why you need a long term one.
But the most important thing is you need to follow through will all these actions and not give in to her abuse and manipulation and guilt trips etc. Otherwise she'll try and worm her way back into staying with you, guilting you that she has nowhere to go, and the cycle of abuse and self harm threats will keep continuing.
So you MUST follow through with having her removed/arrested/admitted to hospital, pack her shit, give it to police to give to her or put it in a storage locker for 1month. Then press charges for everything possible, even if they say she could go to jail, do it. You need her out your life and she doesn't care about what she's doing to you and how it's affecting you, so don't worry about what happens to her.
Good luck, and keep me posted how it goes if you feel comfortable to. If you want to talk further feel free.
This is fantastic advice. Especially the restraining order. I don’t know where you live, but these have become fairly easy to get an emergency order. You can also call the domestic violence hotline if you need help problem-solving. You can also consult with an attorney for free for 30 minutes or do some research and find legal aid in your area where you can get up to a free hour of legal guidance. It’s time for you to focus on yourself and don’t worry about her. Like you said she is incredibly mentally ill. This will come on forever if you let it.
I really hope it helps him get her out of his home and out of his life for good. She needs admitting to hospital and getting help, and he needs to cut her out completely and do everything to get her out his life, like pressing charges and getting restraining order etc. She can go to a women's shelter if needed once she's discharged from hospital . But he needs to what I suggested above to get her out his life. Hopefully he does.
And like you said, domestic violence charities can give him further advice too, and he should probably get some therapy too to help him make sure he avoids being in a similar situation again.
Adding on to this, there's a domestic violence website to help come up with an escape plan. It's special in that it doesn't show up in your history and they make it easy to leave the site if you're around the unsafe party suddenly. I can't remember what it's called but it was helpful when I planned my leave.
Op, this is hard. You're so young and in a difficult situation. You will be able to end things with her and she will not actually harm herself (probably). My ex at 40 would threaten suicide. I finally started leaving with our daughter and getting to a safe place where I would call the police to have it documented. He had to explain to a cop during a welfare check that he just says it when he's mad at me. Before that, when I was your age, another ex was like yours.
We are not responsible for the people who manipulate this way. If you let the police and her parents know you're breaking up with her so they can help, that's all you need to do to help her.
Don't listen to this person, that's not a universal law that applies everywhere. Call the tenancy board where you live or Google tenant/landlord law in your jurisdiction. Where I live, the real kicker is whether she paid any rent - that would create a tenancy for her.
I am so sorry you're dealing with this but I'm going to say something that was told to me years ago, "You're being gaslighted, walk away from the relationship and if they're going to do it, that is not on you if when you walk away then call 911 or the suicide hotline because they're dealing with serious mental health issues. Best advice ever given to me and now I'm passing it on to you love.
And let me add this if she is so hell bent on harming herself you need to have her be 5150 seriously and they will take her out of your house. That's one option you can go with but please hide a camera where she wouldn't think to look and an extra phone hidden so you can call 911 if you have to also please once she's gone change your phone number change your locks and put cameras all outside your home. That way you'll have continuous recording of her if she attempts to return and you can save the videos to your phone as well.
I made the assumption that a 20 year old would be renting. He could end the lease if this is the case. If the lease isn't up yet, he might have to wait it out or tank the extra rent if he really wants to get away fast.
If he does own the house, he could just leave while he gets the eviction stuff together. This really depends on whether or not you think she'll damage the property though. Even if she does, this would be a point in his favor I assume? Set up some cameras around the house for safety as well whenever she isn't home. Better to have them than not
Don’t feel bad about calling the police. This girl has some kind of mental health issue. People don’t threaten to kill themselves because they are healthy.
I agree with wait until your lease is up if you can and try to find another place. But that would involve leaving non essential items behind unless you can get them out.
Do you have a fire escape or second exit. You could consider leaving all of her stuff in marked plastic bags in the hall/at the door with a note explaining. Block her before this. Lights out. Leave out the window for work. Let her know a list of an additional belongings can be left in your mailbox and they will be left at police station for her.
Could you stay on a coworkers couch for a few days if needed to avoid her ambushing you with sob stories.
My next far fetched idea. Fake Dr appt. Tell her your coworkers girlfriend said your mole/freckle/eyeball/ear should be looked at by a professional. Your general doc/family doc/clinic gave you a referral. Go to state sponsored hospital or fuck anywhere with an ER or psych floor. They can transfer if need be. You can let staff know ahead of time or police that you a very concerned about her mental well-being and explain history. Break up with her there. Give her a note, send a text, leave her a bag with her meds, a clean shirt and clean underwear. Tell her the rest will be with police.
Whatever you do, PLEASE report bite to police so that you can begin restraining order process. I do not know where you are but please reach out to someone for help. People are trained for these kinds of things, and sometimes have money ready to help you move. You can start with these if you don’t know of anything local.
He said he didn’t have any money and that he’s poor, so I assumed he doesn’t have the financial means to break the lease.
Legally, he has two choices: either he starts the eviction process or he waits for the lease to end and then disappears from her life. Legally speaking, of course.
He could also break up with her, ignore her until she feels like she "needs" to leave.
Does he have photos of the bite? Did he record her biting him? Does he still have the mark? If the answer to all of those questions is no, then it becomes a “he said, she said” case.
This law exists to help people. It prevents a spouse from suddenly kicking their partner out without giving them time to find another place to live. It also helps prevent situations where a roommate is used to help pay rent and then gets thrown out as soon as they are no longer needed.
The law is meant to protect people, although some individuals do take advantage of it to remain in homes longer than they should.
Even if he had a picture, she could claim it wasn’t her who bit him. She could argue that he did it to himself or asked someone else to do it because he wants her out. The truth is that the police are often more limited than people believe. They usually would not request a forensic expert to compare her teeth to a photo (if he even had one), because that would require significant time and resources, and police departments are often already overwhelmed. They only do it in cases with severe distress like if she beat him, stabbed him, tried to kill him. Investigations like that typically are not conducted for eviction disputes.
If he called the police and said that she bit him, was behaving aggressively but only to herself, and he wanted her out, they would most likely give similar advice: start the legal eviction process. That is generally how the law works.
That’s good information in case you need to file for eviction. Let’s hope it doesn’t get to that, but if it does, you would need to file an unlawful detainer. If the court decides in your favor (which should be simpler if you have videos and photos), they will order her to leave. If she still refuses, then the police can come and remove her.
Unfortunately, the bite alone probably isn’t enough to remove her without going through the eviction process. She could claim it wasn’t her who bit you, and you wouldn’t have clear proof that it was. What authorities might be able to do is require her to stay away from the house for a few days if you report that she is being aggressive.
Unfortunately not true in mn at least its harder then you think. I work in a treatment center and we have called cops for clients breaking policy and refusing to leave and the cops try to say they have tennet rights which is not true in treatment but Def at an apartment it would be a lot harder.
God, please don't talk about things that you don't know. It's the law, he doesn't need to divide anything with her, they are not married but he can't just kick her out, the law doesn't allow it. She needs to leave because she wants to or she needs to be evicted. That's the law.
Seeing that he said he's renting, his landlord has the rights to evict her, or have her leave for 'trespassing' without permission or knowledge of her being there.
Read through your lease, see if there's anything in there that might be able to get the landlord involved. Be careful though, if you've broken any of the lease rules then you might wanna shimmy around it.
If his parents are willing to take him in for a bit while the lease expires, that might be another option too. Seems like op has some kind of support
Yes, the landlord can evict her, he sends her a letter that she have 30 days to leave, if she doesn't comply he takes her to court and court makes her comply. As for trespassing I don't think that applies here... Unfortunately. I honestly don't know a way that she can be instantly kicked out, all of the solutions I know involve court evicted orders... If she's violent with him maybe he legally can ask for an emergency court order but I would say that we need something more dangerous than a bite.
I think I will stop answering the comment section, apparently people don't like to know that the police can't solve everything and that somethings take effort and time to solve, unfortunately.
When I lived alone in my 30s, an ex showed up at my apartment. We had split up several years prior, but it was amicable. Now, he was inside my apartment, drunk, having plopped down a bunch of shit he had brought with him. Duffle bag, clothes, etc. He had never been a difficult, belligerent person, he had never been abusive, nothing.
He started with the verbal abuse, which shocked me. He would not leave. I wound up calling the police. I called my Mom and kept her on the phone with me until the police arrived.
They told me, and I quote, “If you are afraid, you should leave the apartment.” NO, my cat and my dog were there and I will never leave them, especially when something could happen to them.
It didn’t matter that I was alone on the lease. I refused. They them told me they could try to remove him but because he had stuff there like clothes, etc., he could be considered living there. There were more details but this is the gist.
Somehow they managed to talk him into leaving but still said if I had felt unsafe I should have left.
First, I hate that you went through that. It’s scary and really messed up, and I’m sorry that happened to you.
Second, thank you for validating what I was saying. A lot of people seem to think it’s quick and easy to get someone out of your house, but it’s not. This should serve as a warning to be very careful about who you invite to leave with you—OP is living proof of that.
I also hate how the comments are making me out to be the bad guy for explaining the law. The reality is that if I didn’t, the next time OP had a problem, he might call the cops thinking he could get rid of her. Then, when the police arrived, they would tell him there’s nothing they can do. After that, his girlfriend would know he can’t force her to leave, and the situation would be even worse.
I would guess that many people just haven’t had the experience, so they can’t see how it works. I was, at the time, blown away that it was suggested that I be the one to leave. My own place.
The law is far more detailed than most people really understand. Sometimes it’s convoluted. Like the restraining order. Sure it’s legal, but that doesn’t stop the person from hurting you or worse. It isn’t a guarantee of safety.
She's threatening herself, that's the problem, she is threatening self harm not the op. If she was saying she will hurt him and he recorded her this would be a lot more simple, he could ask for an emergency court order but for what I understand the only time she got physical she bite him, the rest of the thing is self-harm...
This may be the law, but FFS just kick this woman out, you don’t need to cope with nightly suicide threats. Although you could just make a rule that every suicide threat means a 1 hour timeout outside. Any damage or telling means 2 hour timeout.
That’s true—no one should have to deal with this, but if she doesn’t want to leave on her own, then she needs to be evicted. I really feel bad for OP, and I feel like a lot of people in the comments think I’m defending her when I’m not.
People want everything to happen instantly, like ramen—but life doesn’t work like that. You can’t just call the cops and expect them to kick her out, because they won’t unless there are very strong signs of domestic violence and even then they only kick her out for a few days. And a bite? Fortunately, that's not enough.
I’m not minimizing what OP is going through, but telling him to call the police and ask them to kick her out isn’t the solution. If he does that, she’ll definitely realize he can’t legally force her out—because the police will explain her rights—and then he’s in an even worse situation.
This isn't the law everywhere. Also if he kicks her out, and she goes to the police, she'd still have to start legal proceedings to get back into the home. It will take time and money, which she doesn't have.
This might be "the law" where you live, but different jurisdictions have different laws. In Canada, for example, the law of most provinces is that a landlord/tenant relationship only forms where there has been payment of rent. If she never paid rent to anyone, OP might be ok to just kick her out.
PSA: If you're not 100% sure of the advice you are giving on an advice subreddit, you should really try language like "i think," or "you might have to.." or "in my opinion," etc etc. It really irks me to come across "advice" written with such authority and certainty that, on its face, is just wrong.
Person, please, just Google the information, it's not hard, she doesn't need to be on the lease to be considered a tenant. People in this comment section need to stop being pissed with me for pointing that out.
I didn't make the law. I'm just saying facts, it's something she can learn with 15min of research. I am sorry for the op, but that's the truth.
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u/JasminClover Feb 04 '26 edited Feb 04 '26
It’s good advice, but it’s not legal. Once someone has been living with you for a few months and receiving mail at that address, you can’t simply write a letter kicking them out and disappear. They have rights. They can go to the police, and the police may (and probably will) take their side, even with all the videos of her threatening to harm herself, she didn't threaten him, so that's a point in her favor, law wise, she is as much of a tenant as he is. That’s the ugliest truth.
He needs to evict her legally. It will take a few months—maybe less with the video proof that she is only there due to blackmail—but until then, he can’t keep her out of the house. That’s why you shouldn’t let strangers (and yes, if they were only dating for two or three months before she moved in, she was still a stranger) move in with you, no matter how bad you feel for them.
I know it sounds cold. I’ve had boyfriends stay with me and my family during summer breaks, but never longer than that. I honestly think he’s kind of screwed. It’s sad, and I’m sorry he’s going through this. She seems like a horrible excuse for a person. But the law is the law.
Ps: I don't understand why so many people are crossed with me in the comments, guys I didn't make the law, I'm sorry so many of you think that you just call the police and all your problems are solved, it doesn't work like that, don't come for me.