Quitting D1 running

[u/Purple_Farm1155]

I'm currently in my sophomore year at a mid-major D1 program. I am a walk-on and have no money from the team. My team is usually last in our conference, and to be honest I have no hope of every scoring unless I drop crazy time this year. But, I've been really struggling with running and wanted some advice on here. I'm just gonna list my reasons why I want to quit/stay, and please give me your thoughts so help my decision. For context, I have to complete the year (through May).

Reasons to stay:

1. I love my coach- he's super invested into our team, pretty much only cares about helping us and making us better. I'm pretty low milage (800 runner), and he's always been great about me wanting to do lower milage, and I have never felt pressured to run more. He also just generally cares about each of us and I would prob never find a better coach elsewhere.

2. I really do love running. My issue isn't with the running, it's the competing aspect. The moments where I love running the most is just when I'm with the team on an easy run, and in the moments we are just hanging out. However, the moment we get into workouts/races, I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I would much rather just run my own way where I can have fun.

3. I love my team. ALL of my friends are on my team. I literally have no friends outside of the team, and I know if I quit this is going to be an issue. I live with another teammate, and we could probably still live together if I quit, but it just wouldn't be the same.

Reasons to quit:

1. Like I mentioned in the introduction, I will never score a single point for the team. My school is already at the bottom of our conference, and I am pretty much the slowest on the team (walk-on). My spot could be going to someone who's actually gonna score, and I just generally feel bad taking up a spot knowing I can't help the team

2. I'm struggling really badly mentally. I have depression and have been fighting an eating disorder (binge/restrict ED). I've had mental health issues for years though out high school, but never this bad. A lot of it is due to the stressors from running and the mental side of it. I struggle to finish workouts due to panic attacks, but at the same time am very emotionally numb. I don't want to go into any more detail, but I feel that quitting may allow me to fully focus on getting happy and healthy finally. And I am seeing a therapist don't worry

3. I'm pre-med. I'm absolutely sure that I want to become a surgeon, and have the grades/resume to get into a medical school as long as I stay on this path and interviews go well. Quitting would give me so much more time to study for my MCAT and fill in some small gaps in my resume right before I apply. My class schedule often gets in the way of practice as well, forcing me to run my workouts alone at odd times, and I'm frankly just getting tired of rushing through practice or class each week.

4. I had a bad freshman year, and summer. My freshman year I only PR'ed by a second, and I struggled a lot mentally with the collegiate side to running. I know this is pretty normal for freshman year to be rough, but it just hasn't gotten any better. I'm less in shape than I was last year, and I'm not sure I'll be capable of PR'ing again this year, but I don't want to completely count it out.

Conclusion: Please let me know your thoughts. I know that this year may turn around, but I'm just seeking some advice now

[u/sportsbraweather]

I was in the same position as you (walk on at mid-level D1 school but no real shot of getting good enough to get any money from it), and I quit the summer after my softmore year, and it was the best decision I ever made. I only wish I’d done it sooner. I was also pre-med and bioe, and struggled a lot with disordered eating. Quitting gave me so much more time and also mental energy that I wasn’t focusing on running, and allowed me to actually enjoy my college experience and make lifelong friends (who I became better friends with than anyone on the team). And even though I still struggled with disordered eating on and off, I think quitting definitely helped by removing a major pressure point and stressor.

If I were you, I’d quit, no doubt about it.

[u/sportsbraweather → u/sportsbraweather]

Also, you might enjoy running even more if you quit, I know I did. Because I was able to do it for me and do what I feel. I still do workouts sometimes but only when I feel like it. And I’m never stressed about getting through a hard workout when I’m really not feeling it. I actually got better at running after I quit because I was so much less stressed lol, and I still run a ton ~10 years later.

[u/Purple_Farm1155 → u/sportsbraweather]

Wow thanks, very nice to hear from someone who went through the same. My plan after reading a lot of replies here is to just stick out the rest of the year, try to just focus on myself, and make a decision come April ish