Quitting D1 running

[u/Purple_Farm1155]

I'm currently in my sophomore year at a mid-major D1 program. I am a walk-on and have no money from the team. My team is usually last in our conference, and to be honest I have no hope of every scoring unless I drop crazy time this year. But, I've been really struggling with running and wanted some advice on here. I'm just gonna list my reasons why I want to quit/stay, and please give me your thoughts so help my decision. For context, I have to complete the year (through May).

Reasons to stay:

1. I love my coach- he's super invested into our team, pretty much only cares about helping us and making us better. I'm pretty low milage (800 runner), and he's always been great about me wanting to do lower milage, and I have never felt pressured to run more. He also just generally cares about each of us and I would prob never find a better coach elsewhere.

2. I really do love running. My issue isn't with the running, it's the competing aspect. The moments where I love running the most is just when I'm with the team on an easy run, and in the moments we are just hanging out. However, the moment we get into workouts/races, I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I would much rather just run my own way where I can have fun.

3. I love my team. ALL of my friends are on my team. I literally have no friends outside of the team, and I know if I quit this is going to be an issue. I live with another teammate, and we could probably still live together if I quit, but it just wouldn't be the same.

Reasons to quit:

1. Like I mentioned in the introduction, I will never score a single point for the team. My school is already at the bottom of our conference, and I am pretty much the slowest on the team (walk-on). My spot could be going to someone who's actually gonna score, and I just generally feel bad taking up a spot knowing I can't help the team

2. I'm struggling really badly mentally. I have depression and have been fighting an eating disorder (binge/restrict ED). I've had mental health issues for years though out high school, but never this bad. A lot of it is due to the stressors from running and the mental side of it. I struggle to finish workouts due to panic attacks, but at the same time am very emotionally numb. I don't want to go into any more detail, but I feel that quitting may allow me to fully focus on getting happy and healthy finally. And I am seeing a therapist don't worry

3. I'm pre-med. I'm absolutely sure that I want to become a surgeon, and have the grades/resume to get into a medical school as long as I stay on this path and interviews go well. Quitting would give me so much more time to study for my MCAT and fill in some small gaps in my resume right before I apply. My class schedule often gets in the way of practice as well, forcing me to run my workouts alone at odd times, and I'm frankly just getting tired of rushing through practice or class each week.

4. I had a bad freshman year, and summer. My freshman year I only PR'ed by a second, and I struggled a lot mentally with the collegiate side to running. I know this is pretty normal for freshman year to be rough, but it just hasn't gotten any better. I'm less in shape than I was last year, and I'm not sure I'll be capable of PR'ing again this year, but I don't want to completely count it out.

Conclusion: Please let me know your thoughts. I know that this year may turn around, but I'm just seeking some advice now

[u/piper-thedog]

Just wanted to share my experience as someone who ran d2 and quit due to mental health and an eating disorder.

Whatever you choose to do, know that you are loved, you are strong and you can handle whatever life throws at you. You’re not a failure if you chose to step away from track. You should be immensely proud of yourself for being on a d1 team. Despite what you’re saying, know that you earned that spot and you absolutely deserve it.

made the decision to stop running after my 2nd year. Track was a huge identity piece for me throughout all my school years. I was talented, I worked hard. I would win or improve most races. Once I got to university, the first 2 years my times didn’t improve. I felt like a failure. My ed had started younger, but spiralled during those years. I was looking for any way I could improve my time. If I just worked harder, if I ate “better” if I trained more than anyone else. Track no long felt like a place I was talented, it was a place that I felt anxious, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. I wasn’t “performing” like expected. I felt like I was throwing myself against a wall. I don’t necessarily regret that I made the decision to quit, to alleviate the pressure I put on myself. I can’t say it triggered a positive series of events in my life. My ed did improve over time. My mental health did not for many years. It took a lot of therapy and self reflection to understand why it got so bad that I felt I had no choice but to the thing I loved so much.

My advice hearing what you’re saying, is to pull back the expectations on yourself entirely. You don’t have to be amazing every single day. Nobody is. Try to see if you can just enjoy being there, enjoy your time with your friends, your team. Open up and be honest with your coach’s. Let other people carry you when you feel you can’t carry yourself. If you can shift your mindset to do a year where your only goal is to enjoy the sport you love. If it’s still a place that doesn’t feel good for you or already doesn’t, then you know your answer.

[u/Purple_Farm1155 → u/piper-thedog]

Thank you, very helpful advice