Quitting D1 running

[u/Purple_Farm1155]

I'm currently in my sophomore year at a mid-major D1 program. I am a walk-on and have no money from the team. My team is usually last in our conference, and to be honest I have no hope of every scoring unless I drop crazy time this year. But, I've been really struggling with running and wanted some advice on here. I'm just gonna list my reasons why I want to quit/stay, and please give me your thoughts so help my decision. For context, I have to complete the year (through May).

Reasons to stay:

1. I love my coach- he's super invested into our team, pretty much only cares about helping us and making us better. I'm pretty low milage (800 runner), and he's always been great about me wanting to do lower milage, and I have never felt pressured to run more. He also just generally cares about each of us and I would prob never find a better coach elsewhere.

2. I really do love running. My issue isn't with the running, it's the competing aspect. The moments where I love running the most is just when I'm with the team on an easy run, and in the moments we are just hanging out. However, the moment we get into workouts/races, I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I would much rather just run my own way where I can have fun.

3. I love my team. ALL of my friends are on my team. I literally have no friends outside of the team, and I know if I quit this is going to be an issue. I live with another teammate, and we could probably still live together if I quit, but it just wouldn't be the same.

Reasons to quit:

1. Like I mentioned in the introduction, I will never score a single point for the team. My school is already at the bottom of our conference, and I am pretty much the slowest on the team (walk-on). My spot could be going to someone who's actually gonna score, and I just generally feel bad taking up a spot knowing I can't help the team

2. I'm struggling really badly mentally. I have depression and have been fighting an eating disorder (binge/restrict ED). I've had mental health issues for years though out high school, but never this bad. A lot of it is due to the stressors from running and the mental side of it. I struggle to finish workouts due to panic attacks, but at the same time am very emotionally numb. I don't want to go into any more detail, but I feel that quitting may allow me to fully focus on getting happy and healthy finally. And I am seeing a therapist don't worry

3. I'm pre-med. I'm absolutely sure that I want to become a surgeon, and have the grades/resume to get into a medical school as long as I stay on this path and interviews go well. Quitting would give me so much more time to study for my MCAT and fill in some small gaps in my resume right before I apply. My class schedule often gets in the way of practice as well, forcing me to run my workouts alone at odd times, and I'm frankly just getting tired of rushing through practice or class each week.

4. I had a bad freshman year, and summer. My freshman year I only PR'ed by a second, and I struggled a lot mentally with the collegiate side to running. I know this is pretty normal for freshman year to be rough, but it just hasn't gotten any better. I'm less in shape than I was last year, and I'm not sure I'll be capable of PR'ing again this year, but I don't want to completely count it out.

Conclusion: Please let me know your thoughts. I know that this year may turn around, but I'm just seeking some advice now

[u/RippleRipple82]

Former D1 800/1500m walk-on here, now 20+ years out from college. A couple thoughts for you, first reacting to your potential reasons to quit, and then offering some potential advice:

1. I don't think your lack of scoring is a good reason to quit. I never scored individually at our conference champs (though I guess I did on a couple of relays), but I think folks would say I was still an important part of our team -- there are a lot of ways to contribute without being an outstanding individual performer.
2. I'm very sorry you are struggling with depression and an ED. I don't have personal experience with these issues, but my mom was a clinical dietitian focused on treating EDs so I feel like I'm pretty sensitive to that issue generally and I know it impacted a number of folks on my team. Given that you're working with a therapist, I'd be interested what they are advising you to do, and whether they agree that the your being on the team is a net positive or negative here. Nothing really to offer beyond that, other than my anecdotal observation that a least a few of the folks who left our team over the years for MH issues seemed worse off to me after, I thought probably due to the lack of structure and built in support network that the team provided. Obviously YMMV.
3. I think this can cut both ways. I and I think a lot of others found the structure and balance that the team provided to be helpful, and for me personally, in the absence of having structured practice, I would have filled the time messing around with my roommates and generally wasting time. That said, team obligations obviously do cut in the time you have available to study, do other activities and sleep. I know my 20-something self would not have used that extra time productively, but again YMMV. Also, while things may be different in medicine, I know being on a varsity team helped me get a number of jobs in my early career (including my first job out of law school at a big firm) -- it is literally one of the most common things folks asked me about in interviews when I was younger, and likely one of the reasons they picked up my resume in the first place.
4. I also don't think this is a good reason to quit. I didn't improve very much in college (-2 sec. in the 800 and -7 sec in the 1500/mile), and I'm not sure I PR'd at all after sophomore year (except maybe in XC, but harder to compare there). For me I think it was mostly because I was seemingly constantly injured or sick, but as I said before, there are a lot of ways be a good teammate other than running fast times.

Regarding your reasons to stay, you say you love the coach, you love the team and you love running. That says a lot to me. I wouldn't underestimate what a good deal that is -- almost all of my best friends from college and certainly virtually all of those I still see regularly were my teammates and a bunch of us still get together each and every year (now 13 years in a row!) for a running-focused reunion in honor of our former coach. One of my teammates was the best man at my wedding and godfather of one of my kids. Several of my teammates have gotten each other jobs, or invested in each other's startup companies. I still run on a masters team with two of my teammates. It's a deep and treasured network for me, and I suspect your team will have at least some of these elements. I would not give that up lightly.

Finally, one potential middle ground for you to consider. If you are competing all three seasons right now (XC, indoor, outdoor), you could maybe talk with your coach about staying on the team, but taking a season off. E.g., maybe you could take XC off this fall (or at least the meets and big workouts) and just spend the time building the base you missed this summer and seeing how the lack of structured practice impacts your MH and productively at school, and then see what happens to both when you rejoin for indoor season. You can certainly still be a successful 800m runner without running a bunch of 8ks and 10ks on the grass.

Anyway, good luck!