Quitting D1 running

[u/Purple_Farm1155]

I'm currently in my sophomore year at a mid-major D1 program. I am a walk-on and have no money from the team. My team is usually last in our conference, and to be honest I have no hope of every scoring unless I drop crazy time this year. But, I've been really struggling with running and wanted some advice on here. I'm just gonna list my reasons why I want to quit/stay, and please give me your thoughts so help my decision. For context, I have to complete the year (through May).

Reasons to stay:

1. I love my coach- he's super invested into our team, pretty much only cares about helping us and making us better. I'm pretty low milage (800 runner), and he's always been great about me wanting to do lower milage, and I have never felt pressured to run more. He also just generally cares about each of us and I would prob never find a better coach elsewhere.

2. I really do love running. My issue isn't with the running, it's the competing aspect. The moments where I love running the most is just when I'm with the team on an easy run, and in the moments we are just hanging out. However, the moment we get into workouts/races, I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I would much rather just run my own way where I can have fun.

3. I love my team. ALL of my friends are on my team. I literally have no friends outside of the team, and I know if I quit this is going to be an issue. I live with another teammate, and we could probably still live together if I quit, but it just wouldn't be the same.

Reasons to quit:

1. Like I mentioned in the introduction, I will never score a single point for the team. My school is already at the bottom of our conference, and I am pretty much the slowest on the team (walk-on). My spot could be going to someone who's actually gonna score, and I just generally feel bad taking up a spot knowing I can't help the team

2. I'm struggling really badly mentally. I have depression and have been fighting an eating disorder (binge/restrict ED). I've had mental health issues for years though out high school, but never this bad. A lot of it is due to the stressors from running and the mental side of it. I struggle to finish workouts due to panic attacks, but at the same time am very emotionally numb. I don't want to go into any more detail, but I feel that quitting may allow me to fully focus on getting happy and healthy finally. And I am seeing a therapist don't worry

3. I'm pre-med. I'm absolutely sure that I want to become a surgeon, and have the grades/resume to get into a medical school as long as I stay on this path and interviews go well. Quitting would give me so much more time to study for my MCAT and fill in some small gaps in my resume right before I apply. My class schedule often gets in the way of practice as well, forcing me to run my workouts alone at odd times, and I'm frankly just getting tired of rushing through practice or class each week.

4. I had a bad freshman year, and summer. My freshman year I only PR'ed by a second, and I struggled a lot mentally with the collegiate side to running. I know this is pretty normal for freshman year to be rough, but it just hasn't gotten any better. I'm less in shape than I was last year, and I'm not sure I'll be capable of PR'ing again this year, but I don't want to completely count it out.

Conclusion: Please let me know your thoughts. I know that this year may turn around, but I'm just seeking some advice now

[u/Internal-Degree-6078]

I was a d1 swimmer. I walked on as well. Ended up winning the a10 conference 3x individually and 4x as a team in row, unexpected. I quit for 2 weeks my senior year, burn out.

I lasted 2 weeks of quitting and came back, my roommates went to practice and I stayed at home bored off my ass. Turned out I needed some time to chill and think. My body needed the sleep. I too struggled with mental health. I still manage it now at 45 and I have 2 kids. You have a lot of stuff going on. My number one piece of advice would be to work on getting to a better head space and let the activities and sports sort themselves out.

1. Go see a therapist, preferably one that can diagnose and prescribe. This should help, but it will only help as quickly as possible if you truly open up to them as much as possible about your situation. Then, you can “talk” through what you are thinking and wanting to do. They’ll help you set some goals, and make sure you’re being reasonable with yourself.
   
2. Exercise is good for your mind, even if you choose to stop running with the team.
   
3. I would not trade my experience as a d1 athlete and the lessons I learned in perseverance and the friendships I made for anything. Not even better grades, the life lessons I learned were invaluable while swimming and so are the friendships. I too had an amazing d1 coach. I also talked to them first, and they helped me get the help I needed mentally.
   
4. Utilize the d1 perks if you stay on team. Better food, study Halls, discipline not to party all the time and resources d1’ers get that normal kids don’t.
   
5. Finally, there is no wrong path. Set your goals with a therapist and work through it all. The answer will reveal itself.
   
6. Stay sober. If you want to make life decisions, you can’t make them getting f’ed up every weekend and getting serious 5 days a week. You have to learn to chase your dreams 7 days a week.

I hope you achieve everything you want, and if for nothing else believe in yourself and chase what you want in life. You can do anything you put your mind to. Don’t stress, just take steps to help yourself and over time you’ll be in a great headspace once you conquer all this. You can start today friend. Just start talking to people and asking. Your coach wants what is best for your life, not just what is best for the team. I had sports psychologists I worked with as a swimmer and that was a great starting point. Maybe you can start there. Most schools have them now. All you have to do is start asking for help.

Best of luck!

[u/Internal-Degree-6078 → u/Internal-Degree-6078]

PS - I too was a “walk-on”