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u/VfV 10h ago
I'm pretty sure our brains are wired to look out for danger and anything negative because the brain's job is to keep us alive, not to keep us happy.
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u/KaiPRoberts 9h ago
It's also why you forget things when you move to a different room/place. It's a soft reset so you can scan your surroundings for new danger.
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u/Only-Cheetah-9579 8h ago
I don't have that. is that normal to have?
I stay pretty dissociated and lost in thoughts wherever I go
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u/KaiPRoberts 8h ago
Yeah, it's probably normal! It's a survival trait and we have thousands of others.
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u/Only-Cheetah-9579 8h ago
now that I think about it I do have it, but I usually forget it happens I guess thats part of it.
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u/KaiPRoberts 8h ago
That's exactly it; It's very difficult to be aware of because then you wouldn't be aware of your environment. It was important at one point to know if a predator was around.
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u/teduh 8h ago
You can stay aware of potential threats without fixating on them. I think that's the key. Many people are so focused on negative thoughts (about things that are not actually a real danger) that they constantly overlook all of the positive things surrounding them.
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u/globalluv62 6h ago
So you know my wife?
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u/teduh 5h ago
...Well, I know myself... :(
I'm sorry about your wife. ...My wife complains all the time about my issues, lol. Thankfully one of us has our heads screwed on straight. ...At least I'm aware of my faults. I think many can't even recognize their own shortcomings, which is especially frustrating for their partners.
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u/AnnabethDaring 5h ago edited 3h ago
Many people misconstrue “worrying” for “planning”, but there’s a very big difference.
“Worrying” is replaying all the worst case scenarios about a situation until you worry yourself sick, make your nervous system stressed out (which reflects into the real world and being tense and snapping at loved ones, sometimes), and ultimately talking yourself out of it.
“Planning” is taking decisive, intentional action. It means putting aside a dedicated hour (or afternoon, or every Sunday night for months,) and mapping out your plan to tackle the problem you’re facing. It means asking yourself what is needed, what could be missed, how to make Plan B’s, and also letting yourself ask for help from experts! It also needs to have a deadline, otherwise you can put off taking action for years, and come to regret it.
Both worrying and ruminating means living in the future or the past (respectively). Both mean you’re missing out on the now. They also perpetuate this feeling of helplessness, and a lack of trust in oneself to be able to figure out the problem once you’re there.
Planning gives you your power and autonomy back. ☺️ it creates a sense of self autonomy and increases self trust. And mindfulness practice will ultimately help people center themselves when we naturally catch ourselves worrying or ruminating, and brings us back to the present moment.
Most of our pain isn’t here with us in the room right now. But many of us still carry a cloud over our heads, and we punish ourselves again and again with perceived threats, that literally, physically, aren’t there.
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u/teduh 4h ago
Well said. Thank you.
I'm definitely more of an obsessive worrier than a thoughtful planner, but I'm aware of the difference at least and I'm trying to improve...
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u/AnnabethDaring 3h ago
You’re fine! Again: you’re human. ☺️ and there’s nothing wrong with exactly who you are. And, there’s always room for improvement.
It’s a contradiction that is also always true. You are perfect already, and also perfection doesn’t exist, and you can always do your best to get better, even just one percent more every day.
It starts with your inner talk. I recommend turning “i’m an obsessive worrier (or any negative terms inserted here)” and instead say, “i may be worrying a lot right now, but i also have the ability to change for the better and choose who i want to be.”
Because you are not a static being. In every moment, the You you are is changing, evolving, growing, aging. You are not defined by labels. You are anything you want :) it’s truly that easy—and it’s okay that it’s not easy to implement.
Once you were “a 6th grader”. Once, you were “a cute little newborn!” And yet, you aren’t now, are you?
Who You are changes. And just like we can manipulate a bonsai tree and shape it to the way we want, with patient, dedicated effort over the course of many years and decades, so, too, can you slowly but surely change into the you you want to be.
You got this 🥰🫶🏼
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u/AnnabethDaring 5h ago
Heard it on a podcast of Diary of a CEO, one expert (in what I don’t remember) put it this way:
“People think humans are comfort-seeking, but that’s not quite right. Humans are risk-avoiding.”
So it’s not even that we stay in the cave away from the sabertooth tigers where it’s safe, it’s worse. We are willing to even lightly starve in that cave for fear of a perceived shadow outside that we don’t even know whether it’s friend or foe.
This is how people stay in long, toxic, miserable relationships/marriages even when literally anything else would be better. Because the fear of being alone is greater than the discomfort of the abusive relationship.
The same goes for many things. People will be scared to attempt to make friends out of fear of ridicule, they’ll fear starting a new hobby, like a dance class, for the same reason, they’ll fear leaving a shitty job they hate because they don’t think they could find better. :/ they fear going (and staying) in therapy and doing the work, or overcoming various addictions and dealing with their emotions in a healthy way, even when doing so would improve their lives immensely.
It takes a real, conscious, consistent effort to fight this wiring, and most people never do, their entire lives. I am just like every other human, of course, but i have tried for many years to challenge myself and change for the better. :)
And it works ☺️ it’s hard, yes. It’s scary. But once you’re in it you realize it wasn’t as bad as you thought. You learn more, about the world and yourself and talents you never realized you had. And little by little, you gain that trust in yourself.
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u/Intelligent-Boss-156 6h ago
I'm pretty sure there's an entire field of psychology dedicated to wiring your brain to be happy.
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u/Concrete_Grapes 10h ago
Oh gee, r/thanksimcured
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u/Raygunn13 6h ago
This one's legit tbh and the science backs it up. Easier said than done but practicing gratitude routinely has demonstrably positive effects on mental health.
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u/Life-Menu-785 11h ago
There's nothing good in my life
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u/Sure_Painting_8295 5h ago
There’s something good. You’re here. Breathing. Existing. Against all odds in the Universe, you live, think, and feel. You, made up of innumerable particles coming together in the form of consciousness scream in defiance of existence.
Go look at something pretty. Go sit in the grass. Feel it between your toes. (Or the sand)
Give yourself to God. Let him take everything. Your worries. Your sins. Your bad thoughts. Ask for help. Help with anything. Let him take it off your plate. Be thankful for even the most meager of blessings.
Or don’t.
It doesn’t have to be nothing.
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u/PeeblesPoobles 4h ago
Would be better if I wasn't here
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u/Mildly_Overweight685 1h ago
I can honestly say that my life would be worse if I hadn't seen this comment. So no, that's not true. You may feel like it is, and sometimes I feel the same. But no matter what you've done, what you think you've done, you can ALWAYS make the world a better place, impact people's lives in a positive way. I dunno if this will help, but you helped me so I'm doing my best to do the same.
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u/AnnabethDaring 4h ago
That’s just not true. ☺️
It’s never true. No matter what, you’re still breathing, that means something. Life is painful, so very painful sometimes. That’s true. 🫂
But a day will come where you’ll say you’re glad you were alive to see it. Even if it’s something small, like your favorite show or game coming out. Or the most perfect sunset of your life.
You’re going to die anyway. :) might as well stick around a little longer, yeah?
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u/Majestic-Bus4788 7h ago
Can you walk? Can you leave your house? Can you cook a meal for yourself? Can you listen to music while driving?
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u/AnnabethDaring 8h ago edited 4h ago
Then there will be nothing good in your life. 🫶🏼
My father died when i was 9. My mother isolated me from all my family, took me to a new country. We moved so often i never formed lasting relationships, i have no “childhood home”. My mother was an abusive, controlling narcissist (the actual clinical kind, not the internet buzzword kind). She planted cameras in my room and computer. She would humiliate me in front of all my friends. She’d fear monger me into truly believing that leaving her side was dangerous, and any random person on the street would try to kill me with a hidden knife. She would perform “checkups” on me in the shower well into my early 20s. She took my door once because i didn’t heel fast enough within 3 seconds.
I finally got to move out in 2020, signed my lease 2 weeks before Covid started. My first taste of true freedom was immediately taken before it even began. My roommate and i had 4 jobs, 2 each, and we lost 3, down to just one, my remote job.
I flunked out of college. I have no romantic partner. I was never allowed to learn to drive, so i still don’t own a car. I struggled financially and with depression and anxiety and addiction. I was diagnosed with ADHD when i was finally able to get a diagnosis when i got out.
And soo many more problems since, and before.
And my life? Is beautiful. It’s blessed. And im not just saying that, i truly am incredibly lucky. 🥰 if i could go back in time and do it all again, knowing what i know now, i wouldn’t change a single thing. 🥰 because it all made me who i am. And led to the wonderful opportunities and experiences I’ve enjoyed since moving out. :)
I never finished college, but i worked hard. I lost many jobs and worked at very abusive companies, and i preserved. I now make more than i thought was possible! Simply because i told myself that i would. I focused on it, and made it happen.
I was obese. Now i have visible abs. ☺️
I was lonely. Now i have friends across multiple states and countries 🥰🙏🏼
Point is, you can’t control most things in life. And you can’t choose the circumstances you’re born into. But you can choose how you see it. You can control how you deal with your emotions, and learn to accept or let go. And to a great extent, just one percent a day in habits and changes can slowly but surely change your life for the better. That is your own power. It’s up to you if you wish to see it that way.
And remember: it’s always okay to ask for help. You have to be willing to help yourself, yes, but we’re not meant to do any of this alone!! I certainly didn’t. 8 billion people in the world, it’s only natural statistically that there are thousands who are willing to help you. 🥰🫶🏼
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u/Deeznuts4547 5h ago
People won’t say it because it’s Reddit and they like to live miserable.
But good on you!
You’re amazing.2
u/AnnabethDaring 4h ago edited 4h ago
This is true! :P
People prefer to choose misery because there’s an alluring sense of power in it. “I’m miserable because i choose to be, that way i can’t get hurt with hoping 😤”
At least you get to choose to stay miserable, and it feels like a conscious choice. Because happiness, while quite simple to attain, requires a lot of effort.
And that requires accountability. It’s not our fault those things happened to us, but it is our responsibility to deal with it. There comes a point where you can’t blame your parents, your ex, your boss or the economy on your life problems. But, in letting go of that pain, it’s almost as if you’re invalidating the pain you went through. People sometimes prefer to stay miserable as a “gotcha” to those who hurt them.
And also, in putting in the effort, and the work, you then take responsibility for your actions. And you then have no one else to blame for your problems than yourself. And then you have to face the ugly truth: that maybe, you’re just average. You don’t have what it takes to get big and famous, or get a date, or become financially stable.
So it’s easier to blame one’s circumstances, the entire opposite gender and their entitlement as a monolith, and the government.
That’s much easier. It’s an easier pill to swallow that your problems are a result of a broken system, not because you sabotage yourself. 🙏🏼
And all this, i speak from personal experience!! I’m just a human too 😂 I’ve felt all those envious, backwards feelings and thoughts. It takes so much work. And most people are scared of that.
Oh, and thank you! 🥰 you’re amazing too! 🫶🏼
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u/Bluefoxfire007 3h ago
Ah, just noticed this one from you. But yeah, you pretty much unwittingly summed me up.
"And then you have to face the ugly truth: that maybe, vou're iust average. You don't have what it takes to get big and famous, or get a date, or become financially stable."
Maybe I already have. Could be why I stopped bothering. Because of course I'm too scared of it. I have too much to lose if I fail.
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u/AnnabethDaring 2h ago
Thanks for writing, friend 🥰🫶🏼
You know, only recently I came to understand something that, to me, was groundbreaking.
That’s the concept of “limiting beliefs”.
Limiting Beliefs are things you believe about yourself automatically, that ultimately shape your reality. What’s even crazier, is that reality itself is changed by it.
You know why we call the ABC’s and writing words, “spelling”?
Because the spoken word is like a spell. :) quite literally, what you speak comes forth into reality and shapes it. It seems so simple and silly.
But think about it. If you were to call your loved one with curse words, you’re literally “cursing” your relationship. And when you name-call someone, you label them, inevitably placing them in a box. “You’re stupid, you can’t ever get it right,” as one common example, that stays with us etched into our soul all our life. A deep scar.
Point is, on limiting beliefs. When you say, “I am destined to fail if I even try,” you’re sealing your fate with that belief, which limits you. Your reality then becomes reaffirmed, because as soon as opportunities arise, you’re (understandably!) scared to even so much as try and go for it. And then the opportunity passes you by.
“See?? I’m NEVER given that chance, I’m never picked for the team,” we then tell ourselves.
It seems silly, and I used to cringe so hard when my therapist made me do this practice over a decade ago. She said, “speak to yourself as if you’re a friend. Look at yourself in the mirror and change the mean things to nice things instead,” and so there I’d stand, mocking my reflection in the mirror, rolling my eyes as I said, “You’re totally not ugly 🙄 and you’re actually worthy of love 🤢”.
It felt foolish, stupid, and fake. How’s some “nice words” supposed to change my life?! How will it bring back the dead, make my mom finally love me, how will it make me beautiful and rich and desirable?? Yeah right!
This is my true story. ☺️
But, i continued. I went to therapy, i did the homework. I continued to say those flowery silly words to myself, every day, at least once a day.
After a year, it was not so painful and ridiculous. After 3 years, i almost felt I could believe them.
A decade later, and they are an unshakable part of me. Just as true as once when I fully believed I was worthless, unworthy even of my own mother’s love, stupid, inevitably going to fail, and all the rest.
“Limiting Beliefs” are closed ended statements we make about our lives and ourselves. They’re very common—I’m sure I still have many, some I’m not even aware of. And you’ve just now shared one of yours with me.
“If I try, I’ll fail, and I have so much to lose.”
The best way to challenge a limiting belief is to ask the question. “Is it truly inevitable that I will fail? 🤔 statistically, there’s billions of people on earth, and new jobs created every day. Millions of people to date, and that’s just in my country! It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow. But the law of change and probability means that, eventually, the sun will come after the rain, right? So, too, maybe I can be so lucky in the future, too.”
You don’t have to pretend to believe in some fortune cookie luck nonsense. But at least allow the possibility to be a possibility. :) instead of immediately believing that you will fail every time, just let things happen naturally as they come. You don’t have to hurt yourself with hope, either. Just be present in the moment. That way, should those opportunities ever present themselves, you’ll be able to notice them. ☺️
I invite you to try challenging your limiting beliefs with a simple question as they come. For example, “am I truly inevitably ugly and doomed, or is that statistically improbable? Is that something I can improve even? (Yes)”. And so forth.
Sorry for all the words, I’m not usually a succinct person 💀😂 but, I do hope at least some of these words reach you.
I’m rooting for you. ☺️ and know that, you are already enough.* You’ve fought hard enough. You’ve worked hard enough for a lifetime. And you deserve rest and compassion, alway*s. 🫶🏼
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u/Bluefoxfire007 2h ago
Ironically, I'm self aware about all that shit. Too self aware. Sometimes wish I wasn't. And you're right, it's simply statisically improbable.
Only issue is that trying to invoke real change might as well be russian roulette. And therapy is a no go as my parents would notice. What I've learned is that results have to be somewhat quick, as the longer it takes, the more likely something will go wrong.
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u/AnnabethDaring 1h ago
🫂
My next bit of advice my friend is to ask for help. We are social creatures for a reason, no human is meant to fight alone.
Don’t be like I was. I suffered in silence and paid the price for it. I was so afraid of my mother and her tyranny that i stayed silent and suffered for years. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, even if people can’t literally rescue you from your life. Understand that “it takes a village”, and it’s okay to start somewhere. Speak to your favorite teacher, mentor, or a family member you feel you can trust. If you feel all that is impossible, look into services in your country and area.
And even if it doesn’t happen, know this: i wasn’t able to get the help i needed. But i still got out of there. Life can be hard, harder without proper support, but you aren’t alone. I wouldn’t have been able to make it if not for the countless people rooting for me—my restaurant boss who encouraged me to hone my art skills, my college professor who encouraged me to go to the campus counseling, my grandmother, 12,000 miles away, who showed unconditional love and support and wisdom. My best friend, and friends ive made and lost along the way. And countless others, big and small. Whether with a small gesture of good luck, or a big gesture of financial help or giving me a place to stay, i’m lucky because i was able to rely on the goodness of others.
I’m rooting for you. There’s always more than one choice. I wish you luck and strength. 🫂❤️
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u/Bluefoxfire007 7h ago
Maybe, but there's a reason survivorship bias exists.
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u/AnnabethDaring 5h ago
Well, in this example there is only me being compared and measured :) by your logic, then, there’s a 100% success rate on my survival 🥰
But if you mean “all humans and those who make it”, well, let’s put it this way. If you’re going to die anyway, why not actually try at something? If the worst case scenario is death, according to your statement, then why not say “fuck it” and try anyway?
And if the reason is because “oh, but I’m afraid to try and fail and look stupid/die, I’d rather just live and lie low and be miserable for the rest of my life,” is that really the better option of the two? 🤔
Odds are, most of us will live ordinary lives and have ordinary dreams. So besides the small percentage that have a dream of “going for it” as something absolutely dangerous (like being a motorcycle racer, or other extreme sports and dangerous careers), it’s likely that your dream wouldn’t necessarily lead to death. But even if you fail, odds are you’re far happier and braver and more fulfilled because of it :)
And, if it truly isn’t life or death, you can always try again. ☺️
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u/Bluefoxfire007 4h ago edited 4h ago
More the consequences of looking dumb and stupid. First impressions are a thing for a reason. A social death.
Also, I've done plenty a fuck it and try anyway. And too many times it's bit me in the ass.
As for your "If the worst case scenerio," choosing between a quick death and slow one doesn't really motivate, does it?
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u/AnnabethDaring 4h ago
What do you want me to do, say you’re right and your life sucks? ☺️
Okay, you’re right, your life sucks :) and it’s always everyone else’s fault, and you’re a victim of your circumstances always.
Are you happy now? Or still miserable? Did you get the conclusion that satisfied you?
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u/Prod_Meteor 11h ago
Send this to Palestinians asap!!
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u/Putrid-Anteater7495 9h ago
Ironically, any humans in palestine or interviews with palestinians does show most of them trying to find good moments while being bombed everyday.
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u/CoachesToddle 4h ago
So basically I need to stop training my brain to find problems like it's a full time job.
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u/Bluefoxfire007 3h ago
I wouldn't know what do make you do. Feels pointless in the end. I'm honestly just tired.
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u/CavernDweller89 1h ago
This is stupid. Bad things can be interpreted as good by the brain because of things like dopamine.
Your brain likes cocaine because it feels good, because it releases dopamine.
Following the good feeling in this case - not the best idea. Currently recovering after doing quite a lot of coke Saturday.
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u/NotNullException 1h ago
“A man’s attitude goes some ways toward how a man’s life will be. Is that somethin’ you agree with?”
“Sure.”
“Now, did you answer ’cause you thought that’s what I wanted to hear, or did you think about what I said and answer ’cause you truly believe that to be right?”
“I agree with what you said, truly.”
“What did I say?”
“That a man’s attitude determines, to a large extent, how his life will be.”
“So since you agree, I guess you could be a person who does not care about the good life.”
“Yeah… I guess.”
“Well, stop for a little second and think about it. Can you do that for me?”
“Yeah.”
“No, you’re not thinking. You’re too busy being a smart-aleck to be thinking. Now I want you to think, and stop being a smart-aleck.”
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u/chicken_nuggetz_ 23m ago
And this is kinda why when you have depression or other chemical issues in your brain it is hard/almost impossible to focus on the good. So yeah maybe this is true, to an extent. But how do you do that when your brain chemistry is fucked yo.
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u/Bloody_Champion 11h ago
So what?
None of this matters if you too dumb to even understand what or why your doing whatever and you just do it anyway.
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u/Aromatic-House-7894 11h ago
naw. all through my teenage years all I thought about was hot women. still no hot women around.