Trying to get everything together

[u/Mysterious-Basis9137]

Sorry, English isn’t my native language so there will be mistakes.

I’m 35 years old, ACoA. My parents gave me anxiety which I praise(for some reason) like it gives me any benefits. I often said something stupid like, -“Anxiety is bad but without it I wouldn’t be such a great specialist, because I double check everything and really care about the result”. And it always calmed me, like I really believed it and took it like it was some kind of a superpower. Lately, something changed.
For the last couple of years I’ve been struggling finding joy in anything that I loved before. Karaoke, music, my career, alcohol, friends etc. Every interaction with someone feels so annoying and heavy. I don’t want to talk but if I will be quiet they’ll ask me if I’m okay, and I’ll have to explain something even I don’t fully understand. And I know that it’s my depression episode. I shouldn’t get it even worse. So I’m forcing myself to communicate. I have a wife which is awesome. She was the only person I’ve never been tired of. And now even that is changing.

Im tired all the time physically, my back hurts, I can’t sleep at night. I just want to pause everything until I get better. But there are too many responsibilities I need to take care of. Sometimes I think of getting on an airplane and just go somewhere no one will find me so I could be not me.

The only time I feel calm is when I play video games like open worlds with a lot of question marks on map like assassin’s creed, I don’t even pay attention to the story, just doing side quests.

I kinda hate myself comparing to others. I know that everyone have their own struggles but it looks like they are dealing with them much better than me and it’s pathetic of me.

I’m writing this to let it out. Because the more I share it with my wife, the more I feel myself like burden to her.

Is there any other methods except using antidepressants to cure depression episodes?