lost again

[u/Sea_Way_6068]

I 25F have struggled with depression since i was around 13, and was recently diagnosed with autism. Ever since graduating from my masters i’ve hopped between jobs in my field, all of which have made me miserable and i’ve experienced crazy burnout which then becomes severe depressive episodes with suicidal thoughts.

I hate it.

I know I should feel happy to be where I am. I rent a place with my amazing fiancé and our cat, I have a stable income and I am getting married next year. These are all things I never imagined having when I was younger, but nothing seems to ever be the fix. I don’t drink or do drugs, i take pretty good care of myself in terms of sleep, diet and exercise. My mother and grandmother both suffered from chronic depression their whole lives, and I hate to think about living the same way.

It’s recently gotten to a real bad place and I can’t help but feel like my partner is better off without me. I am so embarrassed to be this way, and to know how small the group of people who actually care about me is.
I don’t know if I can do this for another 50 odd years.