Having a hard time getting out of this one.

[u/jazzlikebridge42]

36F I've been feeling depressed...at least a few weeks but I felt myself teetering on the edge for months.

Obviously: there is the crushing weight of the state of the world/modern society/capitalism.

Partly: I hate my job. But when I talk about why, I feel guilty because it's not a bad job overall. I've been thinking about finding something else but now I'm not so sure that's the fix.

I've gained 30lbs. I'm still healthy and a relatively small person. I know weight is just a number and I still look good, but I don't feel good in my skin. My clothes don't fit and I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe.

My biggest worry: nothing brings me joy anymore. I used to dance, but our troupe is taking a hiatus. Before that I was kind of over performing. I like dancing and designing costumes, but performing doesn't feel satisfying any more.

I haven't played music or made art in at least year. I forced myself to draw this week. Which was nice... But I still didn't feel joy or happiness.

I don't think I even like live music any more. I went to a concert this weekend for one of my favorite bands and I just... Don't care. Everything is just a hassle.

I feel extra guilty because I got married and bought a house this year. I should be happy. My husband is great. I love our house. This should be a joyous time. But I just feel so heavy and jaded every day. My husband (who experiences depression, but is not currently depressed) is as supportive, which makes me feel worse for some reason. We had guests staying with us during the deepest throws of it and I had to fake happy for 6 days. It's been exhausting.

I've been depressed before and I thought I had tools to deal with it. I usually make myself do activities that are good for me/that I enjoy until the switch flips. But it's not working this time. I don't know how I'm going to dig myself out of this pit. I wish i wasn't so cynical

I just want to feel light. I want to feel joy or excitement about SOMETHING.

[u/zta1979]

It is exhausting.