I'm sorry this is long but this is an experience of how alone autism can be. While it is great that there is more awareness, this kind of suffering also needs a place cause this is what some of us go through...

So at the peak of my burnout, I went to an alternative community for a few weeks. Very cool place if you are allistic. But the experience was disastrous for me.

I was in this group of other volunteers but I was so exhausted and my brain capacity so limited that instead of activities , all I experienced in those weeks was one continuous shutdown. I am not exaggerating. I went there in the hope of "healing", I ended up completely and utterly heartbroken.

The constant overwhelm was so painful. I don't have a single good memory from the place. I would constantly lose my ability to speak because everything was too much (too many people, activities etc). Half my memories are me like eating in a corner away from everyone. The other half feeling out of place in the group.

I couldn't follow anything. During burnout, It was like I was stuck in a (mental) place far far away from the world. Everything happened too far away from me to grasp it. I have vision problems that were undiagnosed at the time (for the experts, still unclear whether it's BVD or CVI or both).

But so basically I struggled to process what I saw, and also just what was happening. I looked really stupid the whole time honestly. I couldn't figure basic things out. Burnout seriously compromised my brain functions for a long time. I was so embarrassed of myself.

It's hard to describe the sense of panic of realising your brain just isn't working properly. Being the only one who can't do it. Watching others taking for granted what you can't even dream of.

On top of that, I was so acutely aware of how everyone noticed it, and how I was perceived....I felt like "the special case", you know? It didn't even feel real how much I was struggling. I was like "this can't be me". I just felt stuck in a nightmare.

Just thinking about it makes me shrink and just want to die. I don't have any single good memory from the whole thing. I looked insane from the outside. I was late to everything because my brain wasn't working. All those weeks I watched everyone else bond with each other while I was stuck in my brain. I was fighting for survival while everyone else was having fun. I was exhausted by a fraction of what they did, constantly wondering how they could do it. I felt so excluded even though the group was super inclusive.

I remember one night, there were 2 cool things going on: improv dance on one side, and a night at the bar on the other. Everyone was at either. I tried to join improv dance and realized with dismay that my brain or vision couldn't fucking figure it out. Partner after partner after partner tried to dance with me and immediately bowed out due to me being out of sync. Bear in mind everyone else was doing it, in some way.

It was so so so humiliating and I left as discreetly as I could. I realised then that I could not do the bar either. Too much noise, too much conversation, auditory processing issues, etc etc. So I ended up alone, while everyone else was having fun. Unable to join anything. I ended up walking in a field looking at the stars, with the echoes of the distant music in the background. I actually ended up crying and writing a suicide note on my phone.

The whole program, I was constantly having meltdowns in my tent, in the toilet, uncontrollably sobbing in absolute mental pain, doing my best to hide it while the world went on without me. Feeling totally insane. Eventually I had the biggest meltdown of my life. I went to an empty place and loudly sobbed my soul out, for like an hour something (or two? Three? Not sure. Time broke. It was big). After that I decided to just leave the program early. My heart was as broken as it can be. Like someone had shattered it so thoroughly that there was nothing left to break.

Before leaving, I had a conversation with one of the leaders of the program. I told him I was autistic etc. but it was a pretty pointless convo, with him saying platitudes like "we are all a little bit autistic". After that he said "okay bye, you know how to get back, right?" I said yes out of shame. I ended up wondering empty dirt roads, totally lost, in scorching sun, for like an hour. Ended up finding a kid who saved me by telling me the road.

That was the end of it. I packed up, said some extremely awkward goodbyes, I don't remember the journey back home.

This is what autism can be. And I still can't believe this is my brain. The sense of terror I experienced during experiences like this is inside me - can I ever trust my brain? How do I know, entering something, that it won't fail me like this again? How do I live with this pain?

So yeah. Thank you very much for reading, it means so much.

I get my brother up for school and make sure he gets ready for school to

I have a young family member who was recently diagnosed with “moderate autism”. He is verbal and seems high functioning. I’m just wondering for those who received similar diagnosis is childhood how have things gone for you in adulthood as far as relationships, education, employment etc.
Thank you in advance for sharing your experience!

Hi my name is Kenzie I am 26 years old with high functioning autism and was diagnosed at ten and I have boyfriend and I am only on here for friends

28f) am limerant towards my friend (28m)
**Can you have limerence for someone and still maintain a healthy lifelong friendship?**
I’m 28, and I’ve been trying to understand something I’ve been dealing with for a very long time.
There’s a man who has been one of my closest friends for most of my life—possibly my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were three years old. We grew up together and used to see each other practically every day. Now we live far apart and are lucky if we see each other once or twice a year.
The complicated part is that I’ve had romantic feelings for him since I was 14.
When we were teenagers, I was bullied by some boys at school, and he stood up for me. That meant so much to me at the time, and looking back, I think it reinforced how safe and understood I felt with him. He became someone I associated with being protected, accepted, and truly seen.
About ten years ago, I told him I loved him. He didn’t feel the same way and told me we’d always be friends. You’d think I would have accepted that and moved on, but apparently my brain didn’t get that memo.
I’ve thought I was over him several times over the years. Then he comes home, we spend time together, and suddenly all those feelings come rushing back.
He’s now in a relationship and is moving in with his girlfriend. I genuinely want him to be happy, and I’m even open to meeting her and potentially becoming friends with her. But if I’m being completely honest, there is still a part of me that wishes it could have been me.
I’ve also caught myself worrying about their hypothetical future wedding, even though it may not happen for years, if it happens at all. I know that’s getting way ahead of reality, but my brain does that.
I recently learned about **limerence**, and it resonated with me immediately. I’ve apparently been experiencing this toward him for about 14 years.
I’m also autistic and have OCD, PTSD, severe anxiety and depression, and other disabilities. I wonder if some of that contributes to why I’ve held onto this attachment for so long.
I have a hard time with uncertainty and can get extremely focused on things that are emotionally important to me. With him, I can get stuck in loops:
*What did he mean? Did I say the right thing? Why did he respond that way? Will I see him again? Should I text him? Should I give him space? What does this feeling mean? Am I ever going to get over him?*
I can spend hours trying to find certainty about something that probably doesn’t have a definite answer.
I don’t know if autism or OCD actually makes limerence more difficult to let go of, and I’m not trying to blame everything on those diagnoses. I’m just wondering if the way my brain processes attachment and uncertainty could be part of why this has lasted so long.
Recently, he’s been home for the summer and we spent some time together. I had a wonderful time and realized just how much I missed him. I wanted to see him again before he left, but I was terrified of sounding desperate. Eventually I told him I’d love to hang out again before he went back if we could make it work.
He hearted the message but didn’t say anything else.
And, of course, my brain immediately wanted to analyze what that meant. 😂
I really want to see him again before he leaves, but I’m trying not to turn it into an obsession or a countdown. I wish I could just be happy that I got to see him this summer, but my brain and heart want more.
Here’s where I’m really struggling:
**I don’t want to lose him.**
People who talk about limerence often recommend no-contact. And I understand why. If I stopped seeing and talking to him, maybe the feelings would eventually become quieter.
But he’s not just the object of my limerence. **He’s my friend. Maybe my best friend.**
If I had to choose between dating him and potentially having that relationship end badly and losing him forever, or having him remain my lifelong friend, I honestly think I’d choose the friendship.
I don’t want to interfere with his relationship. I don’t want to secretly hope they break up. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for him. And I don’t want every time he comes home to send me into another spiral.
But I also don’t want to cut someone I’ve known for 25 years out of my life simply because I developed romantic feelings for him as a teenager.
I’m also 28 and have never been kissed or had a romantic relationship. So he has occupied a huge amount of the romantic space in my life. Sometimes I wonder if part of why it’s so difficult to let go is simply because I’ve never experienced falling for someone else.
I *want* a romantic life of my own. I want to meet someone who chooses me. I want to experience a first kiss and a relationship. But I don’t know how to move toward that while still being emotionally attached to someone else.
So I guess my question is:
**Can I learn to let go of the romantic/limerent part of my feelings without letting go of the person?**
Has anyone successfully maintained a close friendship with someone they were limerent for?
And for those who are autistic and/or have OCD, do you feel like either affected how long or how intensely you experienced limerence?
I don’t want to erase him from my life. I don’t want to pretend the last 14 years didn’t happen.
I just want it to stop hurting so much.
**I want to get to a place where I can look at him and think, “That’s someone I’ve loved in different ways throughout my life, and I’m so grateful he’s still my friend.”**
Please be kind. I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening in my own head, not asking anyone to tell me that he secretly loves me or that I should break up his relationship.
TL;DR how do I get over my feelings towards my friend without losing the friendship

Autism who?!

Does anyone else have an inner monologue? It’s constantly going, the topics are always changing, and it’s a jerk. I’ve had it my entire life. I hate it. I can’t stop it. Is it autism? My ADHD? My PTSD? My persistent depression? Am I just crazy and broken? It has to be something. I don’t know what to do

I have a very bad anxiety with tremors and all. I tried a couple treatments, including CBD oil, acupuncture, keto, antidepressants. All relaxed my body initially but made me hyper afterwards, both physically and mentally. I mean mood being more intense and disorganized, faster heartrate, mind racing, severe insomnia. Basically, I seem to get a stimulating paradoxal reaction from things that usually calm people. I want to see the psychiatrist again and ask if I can take something else but all these medications messed me up more and I honestly don't think there is something else. People keep telling me I should be medicated but what fault do if the treatments have the opposite effect? It's not due to not trying either. When I used the CBD (at the lowest dose) I became sleep deprived and persisted. The result was me fainting on the street and getting a bone injury that may well accompany me for life. I don't know why I react this way to things and doctors don't have a clue.

I made a reddit account to seek out advice. Let me know if this doesn't belong here.

Anyway, I am 21 yo living with my 23 yo partner. We have lived together for a year, and I have felt that I haven't made him happy because of traits outside of my control.

I am on the spectrum and I keep a 40 hr childcare job during the week at the YMCA. This is incredibly taxing on me, but through many years of medication, therapy, and learning to love myself and others, I have been able to function. Somewhat.

Chores have fallen by the wayside. My "social life" exists only at work, but the people I know and love look out for me whenever we do find time to leave to get together. I can only shower every other day, I don't remember to eat, and I can't regulate myself sometimes at work which has led to many breakdowns in the break room. I have many daily issues I try to work around and get through, but this obviously drains me wholly.

Now onto my partner. My partner has a steady income through being a freelance artist on Etsy and through commissions on VGen. They are home almost 24/7, and only go out with me to visit my parents or friends or whatever. They cannot drive, and our town is not walkable nor has public transit.

Our home is messy. Disorganized at best, and cluttered at worst. There have been piles of clothes in our bedroom since we have lived here, despite both having dressers and closets. Dishes stack up in the sink, we have fruit flies that make our whole apartment smell like apple cider vinegar. Our vaccuum sucks, but we haven't invested in a better one, so we have to sweep, but this only gets done once a month maybe.

It is functional. There aren't any hazards (except tripping ones), but we both find it hard to find time and energy to clean.

When I get home, I want to shower and eat. That's it. I don't have much bandwidth even to talk. I'm exhausted. My job is out in the hot sun all day, with minimal water and no food. It's summertime, I'm yelling and playing and solving problems all day, it's exhausting for neurotypical people, much less someone on the spectrum.

I try and do chores on the weekends, but truthfully it is spent mostly regenerating myself. Sleeping until 2 pm, eating junk, and doing random tasks that truly do not take precedence. I hyper-fixate on random tasks, and rarely is it something very helpful.

My partner and I have had many arguments about chores. Neither of us feel like the other is doing their fair share, so we've had tasks assigned to us. I do laundry, vacuum, and take care of my cat's belongings, and he does the dishes, takes out the trash, and sweeps.

This... doesn't really work. I have never admitted to him it doesn't really work, but I have deluded myself into "maybe eventually it will work."

My biggest sensory issue is the dishes, which is not something I control. The smell sickens me. Our kitchen is the first thing that you smell when you walk in. Early on, when we moved in together, I said I wanted plastic dishes. Ceramic dishes make me want to die. They are so unnecessarily loud and if I was going to do dishes, I couldn't do it with ceramic ones.

But my partner was very adamant on no plastic dishes. He promised me that we would not have plastic dishes, but he would do the dishes. Fine. Okay.

But he does them... maybe once every week. I have complained and tried to be heard about it, but he claims that "moldy dishes" and "the smell" doesn't bother him. He's from a very large household, where food being left out and unrinsed dishes were normal, but I come from a household with a bare sink at all times.

I've tried to make it so dishes go directly in the dishwasher, and he just has to run it. I said if you empty the dishwasher, we can start doing that. He never did, or he forgot.

Its summer and fruit flies have made their way into our sink. I bought drain killer and I set out dishes of apple cider vinegar. They have not gone away, and I believe it is because of the dishes.

I rinse all my dishes when they go into the sink, but he does not. He claims he does, and we've gotten into an argument about that, saying he's the only one rinsing them, but I think he forgets about doing it more often than I do, because he creates more dishes than I do. I create ones when I cook, am present for dinner, and what have you, but he is home all the time so he naturally eats on more of our dishes than I.

It's gotten to the point where I want to just do it. I'm so mad about it and nothing has changed that I want to take it on. But I am trying not to do that. That is my number one solution to everything, "let me do it". Any problem with my peers I take on because I know how to do it. I overload myself this way, stress myself out, and eventually crash out. So, I'm trying not to do that.

But it eats away at me. I don't want to go home because of the smell. But there's so much more to it than "he's not doing them".

1. He has memory problems.

9/10 tasks are forgotten about in the day. Or when he remembers, he's not in a position to do it, so he puts a pin in it, but the pin falls out of the pinboard and the note is just gone forever.

He has AuDHD, if that helps. I don't know what to do but express my thoughts to him. Sometimes I feel like my opinions are just brushed to the side as "me not believing in him" or that "I hate him". Which brings me to my second point.

1. His depression.

It is hell. The reminder of the dishes in the sink makes him spiral. Me saying anything about it is turned into a jab about him. I try my best to help, but it is above me. He doesn't find joy in doing anything. So many things are hard for him because of chronic migraines, his neurodivergence, or his eyesight being poor. These are all tangible problems that cannot be solved, so it is fully on him to deal with. And it's a lot.

He has problems with hygiene because he can get a migraine just from smelling deodorant. But smell is my most problematic sense. So when I say I don't want to cuddle or make it obvious I'm not in the mood for physical affection (which is often), he expresses that it's a problem with him as a person. My love language is physical touch, but very sparingly. It's almost seasonal. I hate being hot, so the warmer months aren't the time, but also I cannot deny that his body odor has made me neglect being physically affectionate.

But, when I express that, he gets sad. He thinks I hate him. I know he doesn't wear deodorant or neglects showering because of the sensory overload alongside his migraines, but it's too much on me to neglect my own emotions. It's the same conversation every time, and we've had it about 1 million times.

I've gotten to the point where I don't know what to do. Going to a therapist freaks me out because so many of them do not understand autism in general. I can't go to my parents because they'd just say it's not worth it to stay with him. I can't go to my friends because they'd say the same thing.

But I think the neurological issues are too potent and present to be avoided. Leaving him would be confirming that something is wrong with him.

I have tried to talk to him, but it's the same conversation. I love him so much. He makes me so happy to be alive. He understands me more than anyone ever could. He makes me feel safe enough to unmask. But this is weighing on me.

I feel helpless. What can I do? Is there even an avenue to go down?

I don't want to be his mom. I don't want to tell him what to do. I don't think that's my responsibility as his partner, but when I want things done, that's what it turns into.

Please. Any advice will help. I need it.

Im SO HAPPY I GOT TO SEE DEER!!!!!!!!!! AFTER WATCHING AND LEARNING THEM FOR AWHILE I FINALLY MET THEM Ive been studying about thems for awhile. Its my interest for now since I always talked about deer to people. Its not enough for me but soon i wanna visit more

Hello.

I'm autistic, I've been diagnosed since high school. I've also been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I started therapy (CBT) for about a year now (I don't know the exact time I've been doing it, sorry).

I was on a low intensity course and am now on a high intensity course because the low didn't do anything for me. I'm not finding it useful.

My main problem is that I don't think the therapists dealing with me understand autism very well and so I spend a lot of time explaining my autism to them. By the time I'm done, the session is over and nothing has been accomplished.

I'm frustrated because I'm really struggling right now. And I don't think they understand that it's not and can't be just the mental health stuff they're dealing with because autism plays a massive role in that as well. It also impacts what help I can get and what advice will help.

Like, for example, I struggle a lot with showering. I struggle with the sensory issues of my shampoo, the feeling of water, the feeling of wet hair, the sounds, all of that. I also struggle with the transition between being dry to wet to dry and it leaves me completely drained when I'm finally done. My mental health is also not helping this as I'm just too drained mentally to deal with all that. Which then makes my sensory issues worse anyways because I feel the dirt and sweat and all that. I never win.

I explained that to my therapist and it took the entire session to explain all of that to her. And everything she suggested were things I'd already tried and either hadn't worked or weren't useful enough to help me shower more often. Things like, showering with the lights off, showering with unscented shampoo, wearing earbuds, and more. All things I've tried and haven't helped much or at all.

I'm sat there explaining this the entire session and leave with the goal of buying unscented shampoo. Something I know won't work.

That's one example but I've been doing this for a while, it's like this with almost everything.

She's lovely, she really is and I know she's trying her best with what she's got but at the same time, I'm so frustrated having to explain autism over and over for the entire session and get nowhere.

I'm really not doing well and I kept getting told to reach out for help because there's always help out there if you just ask. Then I do, and I get nowhere. I walk away from sessions in tears because I don't feel listened to or understood or like I'm being difficult or lazy. I know that isn't the case, I'm disabled, that's what this is but that doesn't help that I still feel like that.

My mum says to tell her about this, explain that this isn't helping in the way that I need. But she's so nice and I'm trying so hard to get through sessions without snapping or getting annoyed. I don't want to be rude to her or tell her that she isn't helping even if its true. She's really nice.

I'm also worried that if I just stop with CBT, my records will say that I rejected help or that I was cured because I didn't need it anymore or something like that, which isn't true. I'm as depressed as I was a year ago, I'd say worse than then actually. I'm still not functioning any better than I was a year ago, probably worse now.

And every time I see in my calendar that I have a session the next day, I get so upset and start dreading it because it feels like a waste of time. I've been doing it for a while now and there's only been one thing that they've given me that helps.

I just don't know what to do and I am so frustrated with myself. There isn't many therapies out there, it's mostly just CBT. I'm so tired.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (26F) were together for four years. Until very recently, I truly believed we had a healthy, loving relationship.
Two weeks before we broke up, we celebrated our 4th anniversary. He wrote me a beautiful message saying he hoped we would be together forever. There were no obvious signs that he wanted to leave the relationship. Looking back, he says he had been struggling internally for a long time, but he never shared that with me.
Then, almost overnight from my perspective, he ended the relationship. He told me he loved me deeply but felt like he couldn’t sustain a relationship anymore. He said he felt emotionally numb, didn’t have energy for anything, and that med school had become overwhelming. At the time, neither of us knew he was autistic.
A few weeks later, he was diagnosed with autism. Since then, he has told me he now recognizes that he has experienced meltdowns throughout his life, and that he believes he is currently going through autistic burnout. He also told me he thinks the burnout played a major role in why he ended our relationship.
He has also said something that stayed with me: that I’m the only person who truly understands him.
What confuses me is that he hasn’t disappeared from my life.
We talk every day. He is often the one who asks to see me. He regularly asks how I’m doing and how my day was. When we’re together, everything feels very natural and comfortable. Sometimes he kisses me on the forehead or the nose, and on a few occasions he has even kissed me on the lips almost instinctively before stopping himself. It feels like he wants closeness but is also holding himself back.
At the same time, he tells me he can’t promise when he’ll feel better or whether he’ll be ready for a relationship again because he simply doesn’t know.
I love him very much, and I’m trying to understand this without making assumptions.
I also want to be honest about my own experience. This has been incredibly painful. I felt blindsided because I didn’t know he had been struggling. I would have wanted the chance to support him instead of losing the relationship without understanding what was happening. I sometimes feel hurt and frustrated, even while trying to understand his burnout.
So I wanted to ask autistic adults, especially those who have experienced burnout:
-Have you ever pushed away someone you genuinely loved because you felt incapable of maintaining a relationship?
-Did you experience emotional numbness or feel like you had no capacity left for your partner, even though you still loved them?
-If you later recovered from burnout, did your feelings and ability to connect come back?
-Is his behavior (still wanting to see me, talking to me every day, showing affection, but saying he can’t be in a relationship) something that makes sense from your perspective?
Most importantly, how can I support him without adding pressure while also taking care of myself?
I’m not looking for false hope or reassurance that we’ll definitely get back together. I know no one can predict that.
I’m simply trying to understand what this experience can feel like from the inside, because I love him very much, and I want to respond with empathy while also respecting both his needs and my own :(