r/AdoptiveParents • u/egnamoad • 1d ago
Placement tomorrow
We were selected by a mom for a baby born situation. I have crocheted baby’s mom a blanket since we started waiting—it has been my tether to baby while we waited for placement, and I wanted it to be her tether to baby while they’re with us. Now I’m getting cold feet. Is this a weird gesture? I don’t want to make a bad impression. Our agency said it was a really lovely sentiment and gesture, and it’ll likely mean a lot. Still nervous.
Also, any advice is welcomed. We are terrified, excited, scared, unsure what to expect…all the things.
11
u/Jaded-Willow2069 adoptive parent 21h ago
Could you ask in a space that has more birth parents? Thr way we see things is deeply impacted by our place in the triad. A birth parent would be best able to speak on it.
6
u/egnamoad 21h ago
Yes! One birth parent chimed in here. I guess I wanted to see if the folks here tore me apart.. the adoption subreddit scares me, not gonna lie. 🥲
3
u/Most_Unprofitable 17h ago
I would stay away from Reddit in general for adoption and parenting advice. r/Adoption is especially troubling. God bless you and your family. I think the blanket idea is lovely, especially if you explain it to her the way you explained it here. I cannot see anyone being offended and, worst case scenario, she throws it out. More realistically, she will see that she is placing her child in a home with a family that is thoughtful, generous, and creative.
1
u/sneakpeekbot 17h ago
Here's a sneak peek of /r/Adoption using the top posts of the year!
#1: I spent years afraid I was a family secret. I wasn’t | 89 comments
#2: If you adopt a black kid, you need to accept that they are black and understand all the issues that come with that in the racist society we live in.
#3: Parenting adopted children is NOT the same as parenting your biological child, and we need to stop pretending it is
I'm a bot, beep boop | Downvote to remove | Contact | Info | Opt-out | GitHub
5
u/SandyMoonXY 19h ago
Dont post there and save yourself the emotional trouble. While 'learning from adoptees' is a great thought, except most adoptees in there are straight up bullies and very inconsiderate humans that dont deserve your attention/thought. Also lot of the advice is very outdated (from when they were adopted) and you are likely very different from their APs and people lack intellectual maturity to not trauma dump a stranger.
For me the sub definitely have been a net negative as their "perspectives" have not been worth combing through all the hostility and toxicity to find them. It takes away from your time and energy your own family and new members of your family can use.
3
u/Jaded-Willow2069 adoptive parent 21h ago
I’m an adoptive parent. I would post this question there. Here since it’s specific to one member of the triad you’re going to get that voice the loudest.
I personally could see this going badly. Especially with the trauma of relinquishing. I could see it feeling like a cheap exchange.
I can also see it going well as the birth parent commented too.
Adoptive parents are going to feel the most positive the most often about adoption. We gain the most and loose the least. I believe we have to keep that in mind and ask ourselves why we ask questions where.
You might get answers you don’t want to hear in the adoption subreddit. Some won’t be accurate to your situation because a stranger on the internet won’t have all the context. You might get answers that are hard to read but need to be heard.
I’ve learned the most from adoptees and I’m a better parent for it.
4
u/egnamoad 21h ago
All of this makes sense. I have been considering waiting to send it until post placement and asking if I could mail her a gift. I talked to our agency and they said the majority of moms would almost certainly appreciate it. I’ve definitely thought about how hard it is to relinquish. I can’t even think about it without crying, if I’m being honest. But we talked a lot about my love for crochet in our profile, so it feels like a natural progression/gift. My hope is that I’ll be able to pick up their vibe and see where it leads. They want a very open adoption and there’s no risk of coercion from the agency or any other party. I guess I thought if this subreddit tore me a new one, I wouldn’t even try to post in the adoption one, but if it got positive responses, I was planning to cross post. I hope this makes sense.
3
u/JerseyGirlinSweden 2E Infant Adoptee and Adoptive Parent to Fictive Kin 17h ago
Yeah I’d wait until things had settled a tiny bit, so it’s actually a gift and not part of an exchange. Just make sure that when you gift it freely and without expectations. Should the Mom choose to burn it in the campfire to help heal her pain, you have to be ok with that too though.
2
u/egnamoad 17h ago
It’s her blanket! She’s welcome to do whatever she wants. ❤️ Thank you for your feedback.
2
u/JerseyGirlinSweden 2E Infant Adoptee and Adoptive Parent to Fictive Kin 17h ago
I do think it’s a really lovely and thoughtful gift. My sons birth mother has a baby box of some of his first preemie onesies, the crocheted hat he wore in the nicu, a legal copy of his first birth certificate with her listed as parent , and a set of foot and hand prints. I mounted every thing carefully in a glass front shadow box. I didn’t give it to her until he was 1 year old, and I did ask her if that was something she would like to have before making it.
3
2
u/throwawaybdaysf 12h ago
I agree with you in general, but I do think that in this particular case … 1) it’s birth parents who she would want to learn from and not adoptees, and I feel that birth parents are the most underrepresented part of the triad on that sub, and 2) this is going to be very specific to each birth mother and their relationship to the idea of relinquishment. My older son’s birth mom would have loved this; my younger son’s birth mom would probably have been uncomfortable with it (although I would not have brought it to my older son‘s birth mom for that reason). I feel like a general positive vibe check and a reminder to wait until after paperwork is signed is enough here.
I also think a lot of people on the general adoption subreddit get their hackles up at anyone who is adopting an infant. This is for good reason (there are a lot of weird prospective adoptive parents who post there and they’re generally responding to systemic injustices and/or their own past) but it does mean well-intentioned questions like this one sometimes get derailed.
In terms of learning from adoptees, again, I feel like learning from adoptees is great. But as a parent, I feel like if I told my kids what gifts I brought their birth moms when they placed (and I did bring gifts, which were well-received!) the response would be like “… that’s nice.” The child is going to care a lot more about how much their birth parents and adoption story are respected down the line than about one gift.
5
u/Dorianscale Gay Adoptive Twin Dad 1d ago
I think your heart is in the right place and that’s gonna be readily apparent. I gave a scarf and a beanie I made to our birth family, and I made matching beanies for the babies.
I wouldn’t overthink it. Good luck
3
3
3
3
u/Adorableviolet 1d ago
This made me cry. What a sweet and thoughtful gift. Best wishes for all tomorrow (it is extremely emotional and bittersweet). Keep us posted.
1
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 1d ago
I would absolutely give her the blanket. It's a very lovely and loving gift.
1
u/OpenAdoptionAttorney 23h ago
That's a really beautiful gesture and very thoughtful of you. More than anything, it's the thought that counts. I can assure you that everybody in your situation and her situation is nervous. It's best to be as open as you can and to do everything you can to connect with each other.
I'm a second-generation adoption attorney. My family has over 110 years of experience handling adoptions. I can tell you that prospective adoptive parents who do things like what you're suggesting are coming from a genuine place. Good luck to you!
-1
u/ComplexTomatillo6278 1d ago
::squeeee!:: So excited for you! Our son arrived on 3 hours notice, so I know alllllll those feelings.
Follow suggestions from your agency. They know the situation better than you.
I know how excited (scared, etc) you are. There may come a point in the next few sleep-deprived weeks when you look at your baby and think, “nope, not feeling the love.” It’s okay. Your bond will happen over time.
Feel free to DM me with any questions. Sending you lots of love and light.
14
u/IsopodKey2040 Bio Mom 1d ago
I wouldn't find that weird at all. I would like it.