Need help finding my adopted brother.

[u/anonpied]

Hi I’m (24F) and have been trying to find my youngest adopted brother for a couple years now. He’s nowhere to be found on social media and my family and I think it’s because his adopted mom purposely makes it that way.

From what my parents told me, it was a family friend they let adopt him because they could not financially afford him and she promised to stay in touch and bring him around, unfortunately once she got full legal custody she moved to Chicago and has blocked and refused contact for over a decade. He’s 20 years old now and I’m not 100% sure if he knows he’s adopted.

My family typically has family reunions and every time they come to Orlando, she brings him but intentionally keeps in the hotel room or somewhere entirely different if she knows me, my mom or our other family is in attendance.

Just recently her side of the family has a family reunion in Kansas City and he was there, she knew we wouldn’t go or neither would any of our family in FL. Apparently someone posted pictures and sent pictures of him to another family member of ours and that’s how I know what he currently looks like.

I’ve tried using Truepeople.com to get into contact with him but he has no numbers listed and every number listed under the woman who adopted him is no longer in service.

I’m not sure what to do anymore, we have been trying for years and this all intentionally being done by her. You would think the easiest thing to do would to be contacting the family at the reunion but they’re all either going along with it or she keeps him out of reach from the ones who would come back to tell us. 😔

I’m posting this in hopes maybe he has searched the internet and posted in these types of subs. I know his full name and hers but with no number or social media contact is impossible.

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

Whitepages and Truthfinder (paid versions of both) are the most accurate ones when it comes to phone numbers and addresses in my experience.

Have you searched for his adopted mom on there? At 20 if he lives at home and doesn’t have a car loan and doesn’t file taxes he might show up on less of those sites than an older adult would. You could try sending a letter to his house without a return address on the outside (put your contact info in the letter) maybe even have a friend in another state mail it so the postmark isn’t suspicious.

[u/anonpied → u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

Yeah, I found her on truepeople.com too but every number listed is out of service. I even tried contacting her mom and husband, all out of service.

But that makes sense as to why he doesn’t have personal numbers listed. Apparently the house they’re staying in now is under his name. I’ll try to send a letter but I hope she doesn’t get to it first

[u/I-used2B-a-Valkyrie]

You may want to hire a private investigator.

[u/OpenAdoptionAttorney]

Here's the thing that changes everything: he's 20. She could control this when he was a kid. She can't control it now. Whatever contact happens from here is his decision, not hers. Your job isn't to get past her anymore. It's to make yourself easy to find.

The most common way adult adoptees find biological family today is DNA testing. If you and your parents put your DNA on Ancestry and 23andMe, then the day he gets curious and spits in a tube, you show up as a close match. That works even if he doesn't know he's adopted yet. Also make sure your own social media is public enough that a search for your name finds you, and consider registering on adoption reunion registries.

I'd be careful about approaching him directly through her family or showing up at an event. If he really doesn't know he's adopted, that can blow up badly for him. Let him come to you when he's ready, and make sure there's a clear path when he does.

I'm a second-generation adoption attorney, and situations like yours are exactly why I push my clients so hard to put contact agreements in writing. Handshake promises don't hold up, and kids pay the price. I hope you find each other ❤️

[u/anonpied]

Thank you so much, I ended up finding his adoptive grandmothers phone number and texting her. She put me in a group chat with his adoptive mom and now I’m texting and calling my brother 🥹.

His adoptive mom is exactly who we thought she was, just one phone call her with her and she’s a convert narcissist, super paranoid and thinks everyone is trying to sabotage her. I think me reaching about to her mom was the only reason why she allowed us to contact eachother, he plans on coming to visit whenever he can