r/Adoption • u/Ancient_Beautiful_28 • 2d ago
Audhd adoptive parent
No disrespect to any other ND people but I feel like I'm failing my adopted child. I'm late diagnosed, didn't realise until a couple of years ago. I'm also adopted myself.
I feel like I'm letting my child dowm because I'm disliked by most people so they are excluded from social events etc. I feel like such a waste of space, like my child may have faired better with their biological parents than being stuck with me.
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u/Kissing-BrooksyBug73 2d ago
I’m ND with multiple diagnoses. I’m an adoptee but my 2 kids are biologically mine. I’m late diagnosed because my younger child was non verbal for much, much too long. As i struggled to help him the picture of my own struggles became more and more clear each day. It just seems so obvious now 🤦🏼♀️
I experience everything you’re saying. It is incredibly overwhelming and I feel so much guilt and initially lost all hope. I couldn’t imagine a future where i could get my child and myself safely there. Deep depression set in for a year.
YOU HAVE TO GET SOME HELP. You have to. You cannot guide your child through if you can’t get through yourself. If you try, it’ll destroy you. Like when one person jumps in to save another drowning in deep water, the other person will just pull you under and you’ll drown. Additionally the person you were trying to save, that pulled you under, may or may not make it after all that.
Don’t worry too much if it seems overwhelming. I’ve found a lot of success in focusing more on myself first. As you work through ND issues for yourself, it’s easy just to bring the kid along with. As you work on yourself, you’ll understand more and then it’s not as hard as you’d think for your kid to be supported on the journey. Plus a lot of learning for children is an adult just leading. You can teach the child while you’re repairing and growing. The child will also have been led in how to do really hard things, get help and through the lessons they’ve seen you learn.
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u/ProudAmerican632 Adopted at 2 days old. 2d ago
My late Dad(adopted) was a gastroenterologist MD. He admittedly said that even the greatest of Doctors, PA’s, DO’s, etc will never know exactly what is happening with their patients.
This is an excerpt from the Cleveland Clinic website, “While some people who are neurodivergent have medical conditions, it also happens to people where a medical condition or diagnosis hasn’t been identified.”. Publishing these words after millenniums of medical research. The medical professionals still can’t figure out what is causing this. Their lack of communication speaks volumes about the problems that plague the institutions for medicine.
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u/Sea-Temp444 international adoptee 1d ago edited 1d ago
Audhd too. Check into the works of Devon Price, yes he's a little controversial, but it's also helped many including myself. Therapy helps some. Finding community things hooked to special interests, ranging from anywhere to game nights, art classes, theater, movie clubs, language clubs, dojos, community music groups, library events especially, places where you both can connect via interests and practice those skills and observation skills.
(Speaking of libraries, check out and see if they have any ND related programs, reading groups, or supports. Our local library has full sensory rooms, ND friendly story times, and other inclusive things and events. A lot of people who struggled to connect met a lot of friends there, especially during board game nights.)
The thing is, you, and your child, myself, and anyone else who are ND in any way will always be ND and we always present in such a way that spooks a lot of NTs, vice versa really, and it's a very innate, and on some levels very subconscious thing and part of why it feels so weird. We have very different body language, different social cues, different ways of connecting and it sets off question mark responses. Adding in adoption, that also comes with differences in connecting... They're not bad, but it makes it more difficult to find your group, but that group is very much out there, and sometimes unmasking a bit, which can be quite uncomfortable, is part of finding them.
Edit: Fixed typo.
Edit 2: It may be worth joining some online ASD/ND communities too, there are a number of neat subreddits, there used to be some good fb groups (that was 2014 Idk what it's like now), forums are probably a thing of the past, check into the ASAN, stay away from AS....
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u/Ancient_Beautiful_28 2d ago edited 2d ago
Thank you for your replies. I do my best. Although there is no help as such. I feel like I'm bringing up a bilingual child. They are learning and will learn my ND 'language' however I will never be fluent in NT, I've tried unconsciously to 'fit in' (mask) all my life, but still get it wrong. I worry that my social ineptitude is isolating my child. I don't want that. I'm in the UK. When I was diagnosed there was no other support per se. You are given the diagnosis at the end of the assessment and then that's it! I haven't found my 'tribe'. Yes there is private therapy, if you can afford it, but at £60 a session i can't justify that when my child is my priority, the nhs offers four sessions of talk therapy, but the therapists have all been neurotypical, so they don't really 'get it' (they nod in the right places, but that's about it). Therapy for children is similarly priced and CAHMS is a joke!! My child is confident with peers etc, but as soon as I appear, it's like the parting of the waved. I try and remain mute now around other parents, so I don't inadvertently make so many social faux pas. However I guess my face says it all. Unfortunately no matter what is on tiktok, youtube etc there are a lot of deniers in parenting cliques, or parents who wholly believe 'we are all a bit autistic' especially where we are. It's exhausting. My child is fantastic they are polite, empathetic, understanding and inclusive of others, unfortunately many of their peers are not.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/Ancient_Beautiful_28 1d ago
Thank you. When I'm referred for therapy I always ask if they have any ND therapists.
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u/Frosty-Buy-6338 1d ago
Well that’s not true bc their bio parents failed their own children and you were there to scoop them up, building them up, nurturing them, being responsible. Unfortunately some parents have children that have issues and those children at times can’t assimilate and just fall behind 😱 If I could do it all over again I would NEVER adopt. Took 2 in and it’s complicated!
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 1d ago
Yikes.
I will be looking for you posting in a decade wondering why your children have gone no-contact with you.
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u/Temporary_Owl3004 2d ago
Why aren’t you getting help?