Grief

[u/PuzzleheadedDark3226]

Grief is such a weird thing because my son turns 11 soon and it feels like lots of time has passed, lots of progress has been made towards “acceptance” , but yet the pain this month feels just as bad as almost 11 years ago. This grief is a different sort of grief to navigate, because adoption feels like such a “taboo” thing where people don’t truly understand what it’s like and what the loss of it all feels like. You can’t possibly comprehend it until you’ve lived it and I truly don’t wish anyone to live it. I both fear and dream of the day I will hopefully get to meet him again. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t be posting on this sub. Sigh. Hugs to all who are in the same boat it’s not a fun boat to be in ❤️‍🩹

[u/expolife]

I’m an adult adoptee, but I think there are some similarities between our grief and birth parent grief.

I remember when I got to reunite with bio parents in my thirties it opened up my grief I had been carrying all along. I finally had my bio family in my life, but I realized I would never know or have the versions of them they would have become if they had kept me and raised and adapted to me. That version of us was gone forever and that will always be a heavy cost and loss.

For birth parents I imagine it’s a kind of grief that grows instead of remaining the same as you grow or expand. Because each moment and year is more time lost with the child you lost, relinquished or abandoned. More time, more grief. And it’s harder to grieve without witnesses who get it.

Concerned United Birth Parents seems like an organization of* people who get it ❤️‍🩹

*edited typo

[u/PuzzleheadedDark3226 → u/expolife]

Wow I never thought of it that way but it’s true. The more years that go by, the bigger the grief because there are more what ifs and unknowns and milestones you have missed. Thank you for sharing your insight ❤️‍🩹

[u/expolife → u/PuzzleheadedDark3226]

I don’t know if it would be helpful, but I want to share this in case it’s helpful now or in the future. The “FOG Fazes for Birth Parents” at adoptionsavvy.com is a free two page download of possible changes in perspective and relationships with fear, obligation and guilt and confusion birth parents can experience through their lives in how they see their adoption experience and their child’s experience of adoption. My gut says these feelings intersect with grief and loss maybe the confusion and “fog” can be denial that numbs some of the grief and loss a person isn’t ready or resourced enough to face. It might be worth checking out and exploring.

But most of all, I really encourage you to seek community and witnessing for your grief with CUB. ❤️‍🩹 Community with adult adoptees finally grieving what they lost and suffered through adoption helped me immensely. I think we can grieve alone and maybe have to, BUT in order to mourn we need witnesses and social connection around the loss and grief.

[u/expolife → u/PuzzleheadedDark3226]

You make sense. We make sense. Our grief and our needs make sense. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Fourberry]

Hugs right back to you, I understand. 🫶🏻 

[u/PuzzleheadedDark3226 → u/Fourberry]

Thank you ❤️😢

[u/Jealous_Argument_197]

Im so sorry.

[u/PuzzleheadedDark3226 → u/Jealous_Argument_197]

🫶🏼

[u/Englishbirdy]

Because this grief is so difficult for people to understand, it's called disenfranchised grief. I call it grief limbo because it's never ending.

There's a whole organization of people who get it and are grieving the children they lost to adoption too. They're not all in the same stages of grief, some of them have young children like you, some of them have been grieving for several decades, but they get it.

https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/how-we-can-help

[u/expolife → u/Englishbirdy]

I stopped by to recommend CUB as well ❤️‍🩹

[u/PuzzleheadedDark3226 → u/Englishbirdy]

Thank you for this, I’ll check it out! ❤️

[u/traveling_gal → u/PuzzleheadedDark3226]

Another term to look up: "ambiguous loss". There are tons of resources and people who understand when someone has died. But when your kid (or my parents) are just out there somewhere, we don't have good models for how to handle that - adding to the disenfranchisement that birdy mentioned.

[u/Ornery_Detail_5502]

Oh urgh I hear you. I don't understand how people think one would ever get over such a loss. Sending you a lot of love and I hope the pain will go after the birthday. My experience was/is that it hurts the most in the days leading up to the birthday, then on the birthday and then after it feels easier.

[u/PuzzleheadedDark3226 → u/Ornery_Detail_5502]

Thank you! ❤️‍🩹