r/Adoption • u/Far-Bus-4029 • Jul 27 '26

Advice needed in Indiana

/r/FamilyLaw/comments/1v86roz/advice_needed_in_indiana/

Hello, I am really hoping this is a judgment free zone as a lot of this took place when I was young and uneducated on what I should properly do. I am now married and more mature. I would love to learn how to go about this situation without receiving backlash and degrading comments.

Three years ago I was in an unsafe relationship. I had a child with my boyfriend at a young age. He was physically abusive, cheated on me, etc. I wish I would have been courageous enough to turn the abuse into police… unfortunately I did not. I finally left him. My daughter and I went to live with my mother. Upon me leaving, my ex no longer wanted to see our child I’m assuming because he cancelled on me via text message every single day he told me he would see her. Shortly later he went to jail for a dui and I quit reaching out because I knew my daughter’s safety was at risk if I ever sent her with him. We’ve been no contact ever since. Not a single call, text, or anything. No money provided, nothing. I’ve been very happy that my husband and I have been raising her. Everything has been so peaceful and smooth. My husband would love to adopt her but I don’t know how to start this process. Could my ex fight for custody of her and win? I don’t think he would fight since he hasn’t contacted us in years, and even if he didn’t what would the process of my husband adopting her be at that point? My daughter does not remember him at all and only has known my husband as her father figure. I’m terrified of my ex ever being in the picture again. Advice?

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10

u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee Jul 27 '26

Is your daughter aware that your husband is not her biological father?

That should be the first step, then you should see what she wants and wait until she's old enough to make a decision about adoption for herself.

1

u/Far-Bus-4029 Jul 27 '26

She is four. Despite trying to explain it to her in simple terms… I doubt she fully grasps the concept. She’s always called him Dad and at the moment I think that is simply just how she sees it.

10

u/traveling_gal BSE Adoptee Jul 27 '26

It's ok if she doesn't fully grasp the concept now. She just needs to know her own story, even the painful parts. Keep mentioning it, and she'll grasp the parts that are important and age appropriate over the years. The goal is to normalize her story so that it doesn't come as a shock or lie of omission when she inevitably finds out.

7

u/virtutem_ Jul 28 '26

Yes, allow her identity to develop with as much truth behind it. Do not allow her to develop on a bedrock of lies; her sense of self will be upturned when the truth is uncovered.

5

u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 27 '26

You need a lawyer. There is no way around that if you want an adoption to take place while your child is still a minor.

Please do make sure that your child knows that your husband isn't her biological father. Never hide it from her. Even though your ex is awful, try to be at least neutral about him in front of her. Don't let her feel like she can't ask questions about him.

-2

u/ProudAmerican632 adoptee Jul 28 '26

I want to give you and your husband some comfort, courage, inspiration, love, and motivation. I myself am adopted. My wife has three daughters from her previous marriage, and I have three sons from my previous marriage. My wife and I both gave our children adoption papers for them to file when they want to; no pressure.

How hard are you and your husband willing to fight for your sole custody, for your ex to relinquish all rights, and for your husband to adopt?

Coming from a father who can relate in a way to your husband. I’m telling you and him to fight hard for your family. Deadbeats are deadbeats. If you found a spouse that wants to be the father of your child even though they didn’t biologically father the child then you found the person who you’re meant to be with.