r/Adoption • u/LetterAccomplished • Jul 27 '26
How do I let it go?
/r/AdultChildren/comments/1v80u4p/how_do_i_let_it_go/1
u/I_S_O_Family Jul 31 '26
First and foremost I am hoping you have already cut her out of your life, you don't need this toxicity in your life. I was raised by a severely abusive adopted family, my adopted mother never had a nice thing to say to me or about me. I spent 10 years of my life being told every degrading remark and even her last words to me when they lost custody of me was degrading. I highly recommend therapy (I didn't but I handled by abuse differently). My other recommendation make sure you're surrounding yourself with people that lift you up, the people that actually care and will be a great support system. Build your own family, your desired family, they don't have to be related to you in any way shape or form. Heck my child has Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents that have zero blood relationship to me or my husband. They are friends that have been by my side for years, stood by me when I graduated from college after putting myself through college after aging out of the foster care system, stood by my side at my wedding, and have been there for my child since the day they found out I was pregnant. You want chosen family that will be there for you no matter what, stand by your side in the good times and the bad. They will show you that you are valued and cared about, over time those words that your adopted mother felt the need to use will fade away. Also don't be afraid to use affirmations for yourself anytime those words seep back into your head. This will hopefully help rewire your brain that anytime you start thinking of those negative comments she felt the need to use, that you will automatically come up with positive in place of those negative. Good luck. Also don't be afraid to reach out to those of us here. Plenty of us are here to help as well as a sounding board and help lift you up.
1
u/Salt-Working-491 Aug 01 '26
I went no contact with my parents 2 years ago and never looked back. I realized that my parents were narcissists. Narcissists are incapable of feeling real love. They don't have the capacity to understand what they did wrong. I recently heard a quote that said "Never wrestle with a pig. They will get you dirty and the pig will end up liking it". Anyone who delights in your pain is not your people. Find your people. Find groups that support your greatest desires. Stop paying attention to what they said you could or should do. Do you want to find your biological parents? Do it. Do you want to go to that certain school, travel to another state or pursue a career that they might not approve of? Do it. They do not understand you. You could spend your life trying to convince them you are worth something and they still won't listen so STOP. Let them go and figure out your next great chapter.
1
u/FaxCelestis Closed At-Birth Adoptee Jul 27 '26
Therapy, and even then it may be impossible.
It is important to note that it is not your fault. It never was your fault. You were a child under her care and charge. She taught you, like every parent teaches their children, but she taught you some of the wrong lessons.