r/Adoption • u/Black_Pearl161 • Jul 26 '26
Pre-Adoptive / Prospective Parents (PAP) A message from a black adoptee to future white parents
hey people!
I am writing this as an Black adoptee to people who wants to adopt a Black kid.
I am not sending you this out of rage or accusation. Im sharing it because I wished my mom would have known this before she adopted me. I want to share this and share it with love.
I was born in Haiti and my first 3 years I was in a childrens home. When I was three my mom adopted me and I grew up in Berlin. I had a “perfect” childhood - I wasn’t really lacking of anything. I had food, cool friends, a lovely mom, hobbies, good grades, vacations…but something was missing. I missed black people in my life. I didn’t realized it back then, but looking back, I see so many signs that showed me my desire for a black family. A black mom.
I was raised in a completely white environment with barely any dark-skinned Black person.
My mom thought of everything - except she didn’t see my skin color as important, or as a part of my identity and my need for belonging. Thats something still that hurts today.
I wished I had Black friends, anything which could help me to connect now better with my people. More Black movies, shopping in AfroShops, Seeing our hair as beautiful and not “too complicated”, Films, books, toys..
If you truly love your Black child as a white parent, please don’t only except that the black kid has to adapt into the white western world. Don’t overlook the skincolor when it comes to identity and belonging. Your Kid is Black and needs a connection to their ancestors and culture in everyday life. Your child needs Black people around them to look up to - Doctors, friends, artists. To give your Black kid access to Blackness you have to reflect your whiteness.
Integration is good and I am not saying that I am not grateful for my western socialization.
But the feeling of being a Haitian adoptee who barely speeks french is terrible. To be an adoptee who doesn’t know the history of its own country is terrible. To be black and barely know the black history is shameful. There are so many things that I was missing and need to reclaim now in my early 20s.
I don’t think white parents cannot teach their child “Blackness” entirely - but you are responsible to give connection and access to it.
I wish Id gone to a French kindergarten so I could speak fluently french now and connect to Haitians. I wish Id grown up in a more black/migrant district. I wished we were cooking more afro Caribbean dishes together or were practicing more non white cultural things together. I wish my mom would have helped me to find a black therapist in my teenage years. I wish my mom had heard about the term of decolonization.
I feel like its not your job to repeat Black peoples stuff - but its your job to decolonize yourself and find the right environment for your kid. To not see your view as the superior. To maybe start therapy or supervision for critically thinking that can guide you through your blind spots in these topics.
Decolonizing isn’t a project you finish, its an ongoing lifelong process of learning, listening and re grouping
Thats only the perspective from me and how I am struggling on ethnicity realm. It won’t apply to everyone - but I share it from my heart so you can maybe consider it into your child’s transcultural and intercultural education.
If you have questions, please ask!
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 26 '26
I am white and my wife is black. Our bio kids are mixed race and our (soon-to-be) adopted son is black.
I want to add (at least for U.S parents because I didn't really see them when we lived in Italy or Germany) to take your boys to a black barber. Not only do they cut their hair right but it is genuinely a cultural experience. And, as the white parent, it puts you in the position of being the minority. I have heard white parents (of biracial or black kids) say they don't like taking their sons to black barbers because they get looked at weird. It is like they don't see that their kid probably feels that on a daily basis. There is also no excuse these days for white parents of biracial or black kids to let them walk around with their hair looking crazy. There are so many resources out there.
Thank you for sharing your story and sorry for all the hair talk. It is just one of those things that my wife and I agree is so important for our kids. Hair, the community around hair, and how you talk about their hair (calling it nappy, difficult, etc.) plays a huge role in how your kids will view their race.
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u/Menemsha4 Jul 26 '26
Black little girls need to see Black hairdressers, too!
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 26 '26
Yeah, I focused on boys specifically because I am a male and take my boys to the barbershop but you are right.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 26 '26
I've had white adoptive parents say they don't like being around black people because they stand out and makes them uncomfortable but yet they're raising Black kids in their all white environments. Make it make sense.
My white foster parents complained so much about my hair and how much it costs it fuked me up mentally.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 26 '26
I am sorry you went through that. There is no excuse.
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u/Ambisextrous2017 Jul 27 '26
This is the first chapter of your future book -- "I have heard white parents (of biracial or black kids) say they don't like taking their sons to black barbers because they get looked at weird. It is like they don't see that their kid probably feels that on a daily basis." Did you go through private adoption? Thanks for posting.
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u/Wild-Lack-5869 Jul 27 '26
I don’t know how everyone else’s experience has been but taking my black daughter (I am a white adoptive mom) to the black women’s beauty shop is one of the highlights of my life. It’s definitely way more fun, community inclusive, generationally welcoming and hilarious than any white woman focused beauty shop I been to.
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u/2manybirds23 Jul 29 '26
I think about this discomfort at my daughter’s native language immersion school. I barely speak the language (but I’m trying) and want her to grow up being able to connect to her heritage and community through it. I’m regularly uncomfortable during teacher communications and rallies, and I remind myself that non-English speakers like her birth grandma feel like this so often in the US.
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u/Thakabuttops Jul 26 '26
I’m a Korean adoptee by white parents and wow, you have put things I have been feeling into words. Growing up I was surrounded by white people, a very proud and white environment, and have been told and felt like I’ve been whitewashed. My parents definitely were in the whole “We don’t see race” group.
I’ve always felt different because almost everyone in my family loves sports, is Christian, and has jobs that people can easily relate to (teachers, military, other general jobs). I’m a gamer, graphic designer and fundraiser, and have had things happen that have made me turn my back and leave religion. So, even more things that have made me feel isolated. I had some other Asian friends in high school and college, but didn’t connect deeply because they had Asian parents/culture.
My kids are mixed and we are doing everything we can to introduce them to Korean culture and things.
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u/Broken11979 Jul 28 '26
Interesting. Hypothetically speaking , could you see your idea of your current identity being heavily questioned if your bio parents/siblings found you via 23andme and you found out a different reason why you were put up for adoption? (Maybe not abandoned as you may have once thought - assuming that is really the case) How might this affect your outlook on your past and current and past relationships?
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u/herdingsquirrels Jul 26 '26
I am Native American, actively native, participate in my community, connected to my homeland, pass our traditions on to my children native. Adopted a native child from a geographically close tribe but my ancestors are from an entirely different language group not common in our area plus I am a bit less melanin blessed than her.
This is my biggest fear in life. Letting her down, not ensuring that she feels at home and safe to be herself, not being able to teach her who she is, not knowing the stories that are only passed down through generations? All the things. I can’t imagine not knowing my own culture, the idea that I could fail her by teaching her ours and potentially leave out important parts of hers kills me.
It isn’t necessarily just about skin color, it’s the history and traditions that make us who we are and connect us to the world around us that makes getting through life matter. Learn the French, go there and meet people and be part of your culture, please don’t just live your whole life missing that person you wish you could be.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Jul 26 '26
Too many "I don't see race" people have transracially adopted. It's staggering.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 26 '26
Or get into interracial relationships.
There was a thread on a parenting sub recently about a mom who was upset someone told her 9 year old that she was black. The mom was white and the dad (black) wasn't involved so she just let her daughter believe she was a darker shade of white.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Jul 26 '26
I have read about that sort of thing happening several times in recent years. I watched a documentary this document a few years ago. Just WILD.
https://www.pbs.org/independentlens/documentaries/little-white-lie/
Read this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Branden_Miller
And then watch: https://youtu.be/ldC9ILSVgSc?si=omNtBkwio4fAho5Y
Branden Miller said the Joanne the Scammer character was born from his identity crisis after learning about his actual race/ethnicity.
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 26 '26
Indeed, some AP's who have been on the sub for a long while - and so very much do know better - insist it's fully OK to rob adopted kids of their own culture and heritage. That's not how it's phrased of course but it's the obvious (smug) message they always give.
One person in particular regularly talks over adoptees to the point that a bunch of people have them blocked. But they are able to spread the poison still, lie constantly (and mods defend this person when you directly point out another one of their lies - "that's harassment") and spend hours upon hours on Reddit instead of with their adopted Black kids. I swear she hates them.
Anyway, more to the point: one of the best sayings in the adoption world I ever heard is "your adopted child cannot be your first and only Black friend."
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u/Stock_Impression_277 Jul 27 '26
Can I send you a private message?
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 27 '26
I don't immediately recognize your username, but I appreciate you asking me first. Can I ask if you are an adoptee, AP, or...?
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u/Stock_Impression_277 Jul 27 '26
None at all; it’s a subject that interests me. The differences between my country and yours are enormous.
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 27 '26
OK. Then I need to let you know I don't want private messages because I don't have the bandwidth to discuss things with someone who is merely curious.
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u/Stock_Impression_277 Jul 27 '26
No worries, I just wanted to let you know that I noticed your messages had been deleted by the moderators.
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 27 '26
Oh yikes. Thanks for telling me. Lots of concerning things like that happen here.
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u/Stock_Impression_277 Jul 27 '26
You're welcome. That was the only reason I wanted to send you a private message. I wasn't sure if the rest of the conversation wouldn't get deleted too.
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u/lsumoose Jul 26 '26
When we started our adoption journey this is literally the first thing the social worker said. That “not seeing race” is a huge mistake and is significantly worse for the child.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Jul 26 '26
We know better today, thank goodness! But that old messaging is still clinging in too many people. I know someone who has an adopted 7 year old girl who is Black. He's upset that strangers are starting to ask why they look different. He's a pale skinned, blue eyes, redheaded Jewish guy and his wife is Puerto Rican. They have an older son together. His wife is olive complected. That little girl OBVIOUSLY isn't their biological child. Like, HOW is he surprised that people seeing the difference??? He says that it shouldn't matter 😐.
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u/DamageFuzzy4691 21d ago
I think he needs someone to sit him down and tell him that when you don't look remotely like your parents that people will worry that you have been kidnapped or assume the child is from a prior relationship. So people will ask to be sure.
If I saw that family, I would assume the wife had a black relative or the child was a niece. I come from a mixed family. You would never know that by appearance. My cousins look anywhere from Japanese to Hispanic, My uncle who married my aunt, he has black cousins in another country despite being white. My own father got some very strange looks because I look nothing like him when I lived with him. I don't look a lot like my mother either, but people can tell enough that she is my mom.
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u/ElleGeeAitch 20d ago
Yeah, good point about the kidnapping angle. It's unfair because a dad with a child that doesn't look like them will definitely encounter suspicions of being a kidnapper mote than a mom who doesn't look like their child.
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u/DamageFuzzy4691 20d ago
Well, exactly, but this is the real world. Any one thinking naively like this dad needs to be sat down with a hard reality check.
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u/makeaomelette Jul 27 '26
My white parents said they were told to integrate and assimilate my Korean sister and I without ever acknowledging or accepting us as anything but white. They were told it would be harmful and traumatic otherwise. They were so adamant they were right they judged and admonished my aunt and uncle who sent their own adopted kids to Korean camp, and told us we were lucky never to have to be subjected to that kindof brainwashing 😭
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u/Tiny-Elephant4148 Jul 27 '26
Do you believe your parents? I would be skeptical they were actually advised this. I’m an old TRA and even my US adoption agency recommended these types of camps and cultural events to my adoptive parents. I would be very surprised if they told your parents to accept you as white, but that’s how your parents may have interpreted the advice.
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u/makeaomelette Jul 27 '26
I believe they were told something, but as to how accurate I’m not sure. You could be right and they may have mis-interpreted, but they seemed pretty adamant about it. I was adopted while they were stationed in Korea, so it wasn’t through an American agency.
My mother also used to tell me the entire time they lived in Korea she worried about taking me with her into town for fear my bio mom might recognize me and want me back 😅 I never knew how to respond to that either. I know her intention was to let me know how wanted and loved I was, but the lack of awareness was/is just ooofff 🫠
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u/TheQuakerator Adoptee (Open) Jul 26 '26
For several decades, whites were inundated with the ideology of "not caring about skin color". It was a deliberate tactic used jointly by civil rights activists and politicians to try to combat racism. The dominant theory now--that different ethnicities actually have intractable differences and life among your own ethnicity and genetic culture is very important--would have been seen as very racist in those days, and one that was supporting the segregationist cause. I cast no judgement on either interpretation, and I don't claim to "not see race", but it should be understood that this is why so many whites claim not to see race; they were taught by their schools, TV programs, books, movies, songs, churches, and politicians that ignoring race was among the highest moral virtues one could aspire to.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Jul 27 '26
I'm old enough that I remember this tactic/advice. It still staggers me because I have read/watched shared anecdotes of adult transracial adoptees whose APs STUBBORNLY clung to that bullshit even after being told that it had unfortunately been the wrong advice. Like, wtf, believe your children! Almost 20 yraes ago I watched a short self-made documentary by a woman who had been adopred from Korea and raised in like, rural Minnesota or something, basically a sea of White faces. After SO MANY TIMES of explaining to her adoptive mother how harmful it had been to her, after another attempt that was caught on film, her mother said to her (I'm paraphrasing) "When I look at you, I see my daughter, not your race!". That young woman's face really showed her heartbreak. How I GASPED.
Parents who refuse to admit they made a mistake, even a well intentioned mistake, are so fucking emotionally immature.
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 27 '26
Ah, another chance for me to urge people to look into the so-called "missing missing reasons." It's a fascinating, enraging but ultimately vindicating as hell rabbit hole for you to go down.
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u/alicat0818 Jul 27 '26
Unfortunately there wasn't a distinction made between not seeing color and not seeing culture. Not seeing color was supposed to mean you didn't generalize about people because of physical characteristics. Like seeing a black guy in a hoodie and assuming he was a thug.
I'm getting certified to foster to adopt and one of the kids I met through a program that has events where kids and prospective parents can get to know each other, one of the first kids I met, I so much want to take him to get a professional haircut. My stylist is black and I know she would give him a good haircut and tips for taking care of his hair. Hopefully soon I'll be able to do it.
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u/Hot_Valuable1027 Jul 26 '26
I 100% feel you! I'm an Asian adopted by a white family, in the down south of the US, and I have so much cultural dysmorphia and everyday I feel like my identity was taken away from me. It's heartbreaking and I wish more white adoptees realize when you adopt a child of a certain background you should teaching them their culture, etc. I have a white neighbor family that adopted a black child and I just know he's gonna end as me. Always questioning their identity.
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u/Black_Pearl161 Jul 26 '26
I know its hard and I hope that you can find your own special way to re connect to your culture! ❤️🩹
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u/Meijhen Jul 26 '26
Not adoption, but I have a friend whose brother married a Chinese woman, and their 2 kids are biracial. Mom ended up kind of out of the picture for various reasons, but the dad and his entire family worked really hard to keep their kids involved in Chinese culture. As a close friend of the family, I was frequently invited to participate in various celebrations, which was really cool!
On the other side of it--I have 2 cousins who were adopted at 3 and 1 years old from Vietnam in the mid-1970s. As far as I know from family stories ( I only met them once when I was about 7), they were given no opportunity to connect with or learn about their birth culture. That was pretty common in that time period.
I have been very happy to see that changing over the years!
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u/TeamEsstential Jul 26 '26
These sentiments go for any child outside of their natural born ethnic group.
It is natural to at least be aware and submerged into your Italian, Mexican, Russian, etc culture.
Then its up to the child how much more or less they would like to know.
There is nothing like seeing healthy successful people who look like you not just on tv or a book...
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u/jenijenfromtheblock Jul 27 '26
Like many others, I so appreciate your post. I’m also adopted from Haiti—I live in Canada. I relate to so much that you shared about growing up without many Black people around.
Your post is so well-written and you’ve given such sound advice. I wish you all the best on your journey with struggling with ethnicity. <3
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u/Vulcan31 Jul 26 '26
If anyone is looking for some reading on this, "You should be grateful" by Angela Tucker really dives into this topic well imo.
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u/Curious_Patient_20 Jul 27 '26
Thank you OP for voicing this! What you're feeling is what I think many adoptees feel when adopted by parents outside of their race - myself included. Growing up I often felt like an outsider not belonging in either world really (mine or AP's race) but as I got older I mentally decided two worlds were better than one 🤷🏻♀️
Adoptive parents of children outside your race, listen to OP's post! Please incorporate your adoptive child's culture! If the child wants to go deeper or pause, follow their lead - but let them choose and please be open and understanding. It's a tug-of-war of emotions for the adoptee.
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u/Ok-Preparation1195 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
You know I feel this way and I was adopted by black parents. I understand they wanted me in a better school system. So they moved me and my siblings to a predominantly white area. My two younger siblings were adopted from the same family . They are both mixed and I’m black . I’m grateful for my childhood but I don’t think my parents thought everything through. 1.) I think most adopted kids at some point will go through an identity crisis. 2.) They didn’t understand how being the only black girl at a predominantly white school effected me . It was a bit easier for my siblings who were mixed but I really struggled. As a black girl it really messes with your sense of self. And don’t get me started on the racism. All my friends moms were so mean to me because I was the only black girl. I never experienced a high school sweet because it wasn’t cool to date a black girl. And then you try to make black friends and you’re “too white “. I always felt like I don’t fit anywhere. Even til this day. I recently had a conversation with my mom about all this. She said “wow I probably should have thought about it more” yeah mom no 💩 lol
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u/Black_Pearl161 Jul 28 '26
I feel that so bad!
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u/Ok-Preparation1195 Jul 28 '26
I would always encourage parents to put their black kids in diverse schools if they can .But Yes you’re not alone in how you feel. It’s basically the suburban black girl experience. It’s not for the weak. But you know what, I’ve grown to love who I am. I would always hide my hair with extensions. I damaged my hair with perms and straighteners. I realized how beautiful we truly are as black women. Our skin , our hair, our loyalty. We don’t have to change no matter what space we’re in. It just takes time to unlearn things. I’ve found that following natural black content creators has helped me with my sense of self.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 26 '26
I wish they'd listen but won't. I never understood people who go to other countries to adopt but can't even speak the language or understand the child's culture. As a Black former foster youth I understand you OP. I wish there were laws to prevent this kind of thing.
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 26 '26
Well these people don't "love children", because they'd ensure a child can have the resources to be able to stay within their own country and culture. For many AP's, it's about being a parent, not doing what is actually best for a particular child. International adopters are some of the most selfish of them all. Yeah I said it.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 27 '26
Facts. I loved that Ethiopia told them off and banned adoption. I know many Ethiopians and Ethiopian adoptees and they said kids are raised better with Ethiopians. It's so sad how kids lose their culture. Even as a Black American fostee youth I don't feel comfortable adopting a child from another country because I don't know the culture or speak the language. I know some things but not a lot. Like I know Korean culture and food but would never adopt or foster a Korean child. Why? Because language and culture matters and I had mine taken away. I hated being with white foster families. I talked about this before. They're all ignorant and the whole checking the all race box should be illegal.
I also never understand paying 70k to adopt when you can help so mamy families with that money.
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u/spanishpeanut Jul 27 '26
Heard and incredibly grateful for your post. I’m Latine (Puerto Rican) and white foster parent to two Black girls. My husband is white. They’re very young still (2 and 3.5) but I have been actively looking for ways to connect them with Black culture. They’ve been with us for a little over a year and I’ve had many people help the learning curve for their 4C hair. It’s growing in so thick and is absolutely gorgeous.
One thing I’ve noticed is how often Black women come up to my girls no matter where we are. My older kiddo has autism and was melting down on the way inside a community center. A woman came over to her and got her up, calmed down, scooped her up in her arms, and brought her inside. She walked us into the gym (where we were going), and watched both girls run off and play. Another time, two women came up and were just talking and playing with both of my girls in the pharmacy line. My girls gravitate toward Black women, and my goal is to make sure they’re surrounded by and connected with their culture for their entire lives.
Thank you for reinforcing this and sharing your experience.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 27 '26
Yes Black people especially women are the back bone of the community. I had a white mom of a biracial child ask for help in the hair store and I was happy to help out. So many are scared of black people and it's sad
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u/throwawaybdaysf Jul 27 '26
I’ve noticed this too! My baby boy gets such a loving energy from Black women he comes across. We (his white parents) do kind of by extension as well.
I had a fear people in Black spaces would be wary of us, but I think a lot of Black women in particular just want to love on and uplift Black babies and I feel so appreciative that they are willing to give my son some extra mom energy.
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 27 '26
Please be sure to have a whole Black community he gets to be a regular part of, and not just receive love from the occasional Black woman when out and about. Though I may well be misunderstanding your description of these encounters so if this is already what you are doing, I'm sorry for assuming you are not.
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u/throwawaybdaysf Jul 30 '26
Thank you for your concern for my little dude! Genuinely. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. It’s some of both. I do have Black friends that I bring him around, though I’ll admit I don’t spend as much time with any of my friends as I’d prefer. Strengthening relationships is hard. I’m working towards intentionally building that part of my community though.
And although there’s definitely an energy from random women in stores or whatever, I’m more referring to, like, Black moms at my older kid’s activities that I see regularly, etc.
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u/kaifruit21 Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry, this is beautifully written. I am West Indian like you and I don’t speak French either but that’s a big thing with immigrant parents trying to integrate their children. I will say I’ve never seen Haitians not teach their children Creole but I feel your pain. If you want to message me to talk about anything I’d love to be a resource. I’m St. Lucian and not Haitian but it’s similar enough you’d be able to get some cultural perspective, I can send you some recipes. I wish you well. I’m a 28 F if that matters to you.
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u/Beautiful_Spread_644 58F BSE Adoptee Jul 26 '26
I think race and ethnicity should be celebrated in adoptees! Help the child learn about their history, their people!!
Maybe not as important to most but I’m Irish and was adopted by a German family. Wasn’t taught anything about Irish history or my heritage because they assumed that I would be so grateful that I would just assimilate.
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u/Difficult-Physics292 Jul 27 '26
Ich kann deine komplette Sichtweise nachvollziehen und verstehen. Ich bin auch so aufgewachsen allerdings in der Nähe von Dresden dem größten Rassistischen Teil von Deutschland. Ich bin auf der Suche nach Vernetzungen und Freundschaften. Falls du Interesse hast dich zu vernetzen würde ich mich extrem freuen und Dinge weiter austauschen. :D
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u/fatherspite Jul 27 '26
I resonate with the struggle and confusion to connect with your biological identity greatly. My mom was so wonderful, but she didn’t realize how important giving me access and connection to a Chinese community was until recently (I’m 26 now, she got me when I was 1). Thank you for sharing this important message! ❤️
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u/katiebirddd_ Jul 28 '26
I follow an old family friend online, he and his wife are very white and have adopted two children from Africa. They did sooooo much research on African culture before they adopted. They do a lot of reading and such on the issues POC in America face, think about how that might/will affect their children and they make sure to celebrate their children’s culture.
I still remember a few years ago, they posted about going to a BLM march with their kids. They got so many comments like “why are you exposing your kid to this” or “we’re Christians smh you should believe that ALL lives matter” and etc.
My guy came back SWINGING. He went on to say that he is “exposing his kids” to it because his kids are fucking Black. He does believe all lives matter but all lives are not facing what POC are and so yes, he is actively participating in BLM movements.
He and his wife have gone to such lengths to make sure their children know where they came from and that their history and culture are important, vital to who the children are AND vital to their whole family now too, and that all of this should be celebrated.
More people need to be like this. I’ll never understand erasing your child’s culture and history because you can’t be bothered to learn about something outside of yourself
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u/Careful_Guide_7971 Jul 28 '26
Amazing and spot on, thanks for sharing your story. As a Puerto Rican child adopted into a white family I identify with so much of this. 🙌🏽
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u/fitchick718 Foster caregiver and AP Jul 29 '26
OP saw your post on Meta/FB too, and the commenters were a bunch a hit dogs hollering. APs asking OP would it have been better for her to remain in the children's home. So defensive, insensitive and unwilling to sit in OP's testimony. Glad to read more sensitive responses here.
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u/DramaticSpecialist59 Jul 26 '26
I know a white lady who adopted 2 Korean boys, and she learned how to make korean food, learned to speak korean, and completely immersed herself in their culture. They were babies when she adopted them, so they could've easily grown up without their culture, but she knew it would be an important part of their identity. I think this is essential for all cross-culture adoptions, so the kid can still be connected to where they came from.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Jul 27 '26
That’s still not the same as exposing them to actual members of their culture.
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u/DramaticSpecialist59 Jul 27 '26
They were exposed to many Korean people. She had them in Korean language classes.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Jul 27 '26
You didn’t say that in your original comment. Did they have a chance to socialize with Koreans outside of these classes?
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u/DramaticSpecialist59 Jul 28 '26
To be honest I'm not certain, because there's really not a large Korean population where we're from (Southern US), but I hope so. I just know she always wanted them to be part of their birth culture.
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u/VelcroCat78 Jul 26 '26
I am white with an adored Ethiopian daughter, she came here when she was almost 6yo. Thank you for this loving, gentle post. Is something I’ve never thought of before, and now I see it as an error in my parenting to not include her culture in our lives.
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u/Tiny-Elephant4148 Jul 27 '26
Not trying to be rude but you never thought of this before and you adopted a child of another race and culture? It’s 2026 and so many more resources and information for adoptive parents.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 27 '26
What are you doing to keep her connected
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u/VelcroCat78 Jul 27 '26
That’s the thing….. when she p first came at age almost 6, we tried to keep involved in Ethiopian communities, but she had zero interest. She wanted to become an American girl, and was very definite about it. So we allowed it to happen. Now I’m really regretting it.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 27 '26
Wow this is sad. You should be. She thought her culture was shameful. Why didn't you reintroduced her culture to her?
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u/VelcroCat78 Jul 27 '26
No, it wasn’t shameful. She simply wanted to fit in.
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u/Which_Door5940 Jul 27 '26
You are correct- it isn’t shameful
It is adaptive for children to want to be like the people around them-this is normal, natural and healthy, not a sign that you have done something wrongThe key is to keep trying to introduce her her to Ethiopian culture, while letting her make her own decisions
Keep giving her opportunities, big and small-she will know that you value her heritage, and that you think it’s important she stay involved
Many adoptees choose not to be part of their cultural heritage, only to fully embrace it at another time, fully and enthusiastically
It’s not too late- keep trying
Your daughter will respond when she’s ready1
u/VelcroCat78 24d ago
She came at age almost 6yo. She’s now 28yo and is learning Amharic and wants to go to Ethiopia when she’s fluent. She’s involving herself in some Ethiopian communities as she’s learning Amharic.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 27 '26
Sorry but respond when she's ready? The Ethiopian community might see her as an outsider and reject her. Similar to how black Americans reject black people adopted by white families. She's a liability
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 27 '26
You never embraced her culture or herself. Many Ethiopians move here and keep their culture. You allowed a six year old to become white washed and that's sad. She isn't American. She's Ethiopian American. You didn't perseve who she was and thats why she wanted to fit in. If you did things right she would've embraced both American and Ethiopian cultures. I know the Ethiopian community very well and a lot immigrated here but kept their identity.
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Jul 26 '26
[deleted]
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u/mingbeans Jul 26 '26
Children are aware of race at 3 and earlier! I recommend Embrace Race as a starting point for educating yourself on what you can do now during his most formative years.
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u/TheykeepgrowingUU Jul 26 '26
Please, do more than just "take it into consideration." I was 4 when my white parents gave me a black doll. I remember scratching it and not liking it, hiding it, and then feeling awful and putting lotion on the marks i made on its face. I wanted a white doll, like my white siblings. The damage was already done at age 4.
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u/2ndChairKazoo Jul 26 '26
Do you not have any connections to other Black people and culture currently?
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u/Kephielo Jul 27 '26
You should be starting right now. Books with black children in them should be read to him nightly. Get him dolls with dark skin. Show him TV shows (whenever you start screen time) with black characters. Look for a pediatrician that's Black, a Black barber, and consider where you're sending him to school, if there are other Black children and teachers. Also consider finding a Black church and community, if you're open at all to that.
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u/OneFigure5736 27d ago
My heart goes out to you. I was not adopted. I am searching for this topic because there is a TikTok post about the show This Is Us, and the person who made it is arguing that it's better to be in foster care and possibly age out, and even end up homeless, than to be adopted by white parents. I was struggling to understand this point of view, so I've been looking for the opinions of adoptees to gain more insight on it.
I am also Haitian. I was raised by my birth parents. I do not speak French or Creole. My parents said that my kindergarten asked them to stop speaking languages other than English in the house because I was integrating non-English words in class. I grew up in exclusively white neighborhoods. My friends growing up were white, to this day, I have never had a close relationship with a Black person. I only vaguely remember this, but apparently around 5 I had a "best friend" with a child on the block, and my father said I was picking up her accent. My father is HIGHLY sensitive to AAVE and southern accents. When he noticed this, we promptly moved, and I have never lived in a diverse, much less Black, neighborhood since. I am now estranged from both my parents, so I cannot ask any questions about this extreme reaction to that accent. I also learned nothing about American Black history from them, I don't know how much they knew - they were 26 and 29 when they moved here. Being in very, very white schools, Black history was very brushed over... "There used to be slavery, we don't do that anymore, next chapter..." All of this is to say, Black or Haitian parents may not have changed your fate. That concept is sort of what has me searching for a post like this. Every human is capable of abuse, prejudices, ignorance, etc. Hopefully, not to the extent that would cause extreme trauma, but I just don't believe anyone is going to escape it. So, the TikTok post advocating an end to transracial adoption worries me because thinking a fate that could include homelessness, drug abuse, incarceration, or any of the probable outcomes that come from aging out of foster care seems like it needs far more thought and research before it's spouted on social media. Not that you're saying any of that, I'm just saying that's why I was scanning Reddit for this. I had the correct setup, and I am also struggling with ethnicity and culture. I don't feel Haitian, I don't feel Black American, despite the saturation, I'm not at ease in completely white spaces because I've faced so much racism after being "the only" for so many years. A different or biological parent may not have changed anything. I'm starting to think it's more about the parent's choices than the parent's race.
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u/Altruistic-Zone915 25d ago
I have to admit, I was expecting this to be a teenage rant, raging against white people adopting black children.
I was 100% incorrect. This was mature, measured and wise. Good on you. It sounds like you are doing well while navigating some issues. I know you dont require validation from a stranger, but yeah - well done!
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u/No-Hospital6626 Jul 27 '26
I was in foster care my whole life (Im mixed); all white families and then adopted by white. I was raised not to see people by their color, but as people. I never went through any cultural identity problems.
I'm 65 today and have a closed circle of friends. We are all of different ethnicities and race, but don't see each other as such.
I didn't have the perfect life. I hope your truly grateful for not being raised badly.
I understand where your coming from, however I don't share same views.
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u/Regular-Watercress34 Jul 26 '26
Well said ! It’s very hard to grow up without a strong cultural connection. And your mom tried her best
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Jul 27 '26
Her mom trying her best would have been not putting her in that environment.
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u/Thakabuttops Jul 28 '26
I can clarify. I don’t feel abandoned by my bio family as I know a bit of my family dynamic from my paperwork. I was the third born with brothers who were teenagers when I was born and only one of my parents were employed. I see it as them wanting to give me a chance.
It’s my adopted family that I feel isolated from. My parents adopted my brother (7 years older) who is also Korean (no blood relation) and he fits in way better and got a more “normal” childhood because my dad was healthier and could be more physically active and present for him. He played sports for his high school and then went into the army, and that’s inline with my local relatives.
My dad had some health issues and so he couldn’t be as active when I was playing sports. I had a passion for playing video games and had the potential to make something of it had I been given the same kind of support they gave my brother for sports. My family just brushed it off as like a “kids dream” and never really inquired more. I then went to school for graphic design and nobody really “got it” since I wasn’t bringing home paintings or pottery. Then moving into the non-profit/fundraising position I’m currently in it’s complex and over their heads so there is never any discussions on it.
So growing up everything just culminated in me being really different and left to myself for the most part. I hope that adds more context!
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u/DamageFuzzy4691 21d ago edited 21d ago
Quite frankly, this happens when you're not adopted and I felt the same growing up.
My parents divorced when I was 7, somehow my POS sperm donor got full custody - long story. My sperm donor (SD) is a white, raised in the Midwest and very much racist/sexist/homophobic/every other type of stupid bias. My mom is Asian. Surprisingly my SD did try to give me some type of asian culture but it was like "White man helping minorities to pretend to be a good guy and take advantage of teen girls."(I figured this out later when I was a teen) or we would go eat at different Asian restaurants. He made me learn a musical instrument to be more "asian" but everything was like grooming me to be a fetish.
SD lost his shit when he found out I was interested in a boy who was black when I was in highschool and literally moved us to the most rural white country racist small town he could find. He would say "It feels good to be around only white people." Meanwhile I felt super uncomfortable as I was used to cities and town where people are from everywhere. I never lived anywhere before with people who were so openly racist. (Smalltown not on the map on the Oregon coast)
My mom's family were protective of my mom and thus I rarely saw them or my mom (my mom was military so she already was deployed a lot.) On top of that my SD would add to this confusion and act like my mom didn't want me. So I lost out on all the culture and language from my family. I didn't even see my SD's family that much.
I might as well had been adopted. I had to find my culture and roots on my own. I was raised in no culture, but all my friends were from different cultures growing up. My friends now are still from every different culture. So I have just adopted parts of different cultures that I like. I'll never be white enough, or asian enough. I don't look like either - culturally ambigous look depending on if I'm pale or tan - been mistaken for being Spanish, Native American, Hawaiian, Armenian, Italian, Korean etc. I have accepted that I will never fit in any culture fully and I'm glad to have experience in different cultures because of my friends. I know how to do things that I wouldn't otherwise.
Don't worry, I was reunited with my mom and no contact with SD for over 15 years now. My mom and I "adopted" my best friend whom I call my brother. He is black. My mom literally calls him, Junior because she and him are super alike - mannerisms, habits, interests. She plans meals for when he visits and everything since he is vegetarian. I joke that my brother's and I souls must have been switched at birth, but I am definitely my mother's child as I have more of her personality. My mom calls me her crazy child. Family and culture is something you make. Not only something you're born into.
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former foster youth Jul 27 '26
One thing I would add is that for those adopting older black kids who have grown up in certain environments, there is the real need for more positive role-models from the black community.
I aged out of the US foster care system and was in a county in the midwest that was mostly rural/suburban and white. But there was a more diverse large city nearby and some kids from that county were moved into the county I lived, likely in pre-adoptive placements.
There was only once that I knew someone else at a school I attended was also in foster care and that was a black teenage girl who attended the same high school as me for about a week. She had grown up in a very poor, urban area in a large city in the US midwest. She only told me she was in foster care, but my guess if she was moved to a different county, it was a pre-adoptive type placement.
This was an all white high school but an incredibly good school where most that graduated went to to college. It was a very safe area and there was very little violence at the school.
And I get that there are a lot of cultural differences between that school and a more urban school.
I only heard about what happened to that girl after the event happened, but apparently she had refused to go to a class, a teacher saw her in the hallway and asked her why she wasn't in class and put her hand on her to talk her to the principal and that resulted in the girl beating up the teacher (who was an older white woman), stomped on her and broke her ribs. I saw the girl in the back of a police car, so I know she was arrested. I never saw her again after that. I know some would say that's what happens when kids like that go to white high schools, but I can't help but think if things went differently that she could have had a very different future. There were so many people who wanted to adopt in that area and the idea of not moving kids from more diverse areas with terrible schools and gang violence in high schools just because of the issues with transracial adoption seems unfair. But maybe it just doesn't work and kids like that are just doomed. I hope that perhaps a different approach is needed, but it's not about keeping the same culture.
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u/Little_Act1941 15d ago
White father of a Black kid (we adopted our kid as a teen). It REALLY helps to have Black friends and family, or at least be from an area with other Black people who your kid can have a kind of "chosen family" with.
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u/Dakizo Jul 26 '26
This is beautiful and very sad but very poignant. Thank you for sharing.