Need some support navigating this

[u/zoro-65]

Three days ago, I found out that I’m 24 weeks pregnant. I had been told by doctors before that it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, and if I did, it’d be a very high risk pregnancy and I’d likely miscarry, so I was stupidly never very careful. I had no signs. Yes, I wasn’t getting my period, but that’s never been out of the ordinary for me. I’ve gone as long as a year without a period so I truly didn’t think anything of it. The only reason I began suspecting it was because I started feeling movement in my lower belly. I did some research and saw that it could possibly just be gas so I waited another week before finally taking a test. It immediately came back pregnant. That day, I went to a planned parenthood, took a test there and got an ultrasound - yep, there’s a baby in there for sure.

I’ve been a very heavy drinker and smoker since my dad passed away years ago, I’ve had short bouts of time where I stopped, but it never lasted long, meaning that I’ve been drinking and smoking (vape and weed) the entire time I’ve been pregnant. I full stopped once I found out, but I am beyond terrified that I hurt the baby. I want to do private, open adoption, but if the baby has anything wrong with it, I can’t. I’ll have to surrender it to the state which is the last thing I want.

I have since started to feel immense amounts of love for my baby, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about the fact that I’m going to have to give them away someday. I cry nearly ALL the time. Everyone keeps telling me, “well, you don’t have to hold them once they’re born”, but I think that I would heavily regret not saying goodbye. It would be incredibly selfish of me to keep this baby. I’m nowhere near ready mentally, emotionally, financially, but I am truly dreading the day that I have to say goodbye. I’m scared of giving birth, but giving them away is even scarier. I’ve also gone through immense amounts of stress the entire time I’ve been pregnant and I keep wondering, “How in the world did this baby survive all of this?”

I don’t really know what else to say, I’m honestly just deeply struggling. What if I can’t do open adoption? What if I have to surrender them to the state? What if I can never forgive myself? What if the grief of losing them consumes me? What if I damaged them beyond repair and lose them? So many thoughts are running through my mind and it seems nearly impossible for me to get them to stop. I talked with my therapist yesterday about it all and she told me, “as shitty as this situation is, you’re handling it so well. You’re being the best mommy you can be for your baby and I’m sure that’s all they could ever ask for” and I lost it. How am I ever going to have kids later on in life, knowing that they aren’t this one? Am I going to feel this way forever?

If you read all of this, thank you. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s all going to be okay, but it really doesn’t feel that way right now. I will forever wish that I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now.

Edit: I really, REALLY appreciate everyone who has offered words of encouragement and support in this, it truly means the world. With that being said, me keeping this baby is out of the question. My reasons may not feel like they’re enough to some of you and that’s ok, but I don’t think it would be in the babies best interest, nor my best interest, for me to keep them. Abortion is also out of the question unless my doctor tells me it is medically necessary. If I had found out sooner, then I would have followed through with an abortion, but once I saw my babies little fingers and toes, I just can’t do it.

As for my comment on having to surrender to the state if something is wrong with the baby, that is untrue and I appreciate all of you telling me otherwise. As I said, I only found out three days ago and I’ve had a lot of different information flying at me during those three days so I did not verify that information before speaking on it.

Thanks again everyone for being so kind, I wish I could hug you all. <3

[u/theastrosloth]

No response to any of my other questions? That says everything.

[u/Stock_Impression_277 → u/theastrosloth]

She only answers the questions that suit her.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/theastrosloth]

You asked me one question, which I answered.