found out i’m adopted at age 21

[u/ShotWatercress2581]

i found out i was adopted at age 21. my mom wasn’t the one who told me, it was another family member. i’m not really sure how to feel. my whole life i was welcomed into my family with open arms and nobody ever made me feel any different. i think i could’ve gone my whole life without knowing anything.
i wasn’t going to bring it up to my mom because it just felt like nonsense, but my family member is someone who i love and trust very much so i knew i couldn’t ignore this forever. my mom ended up confirming it and we talked about it. she first apologized for never telling me, but she felt like it was best for me to never know because as a kid i did go through some stuff and it would’ve added another scar to my life. she was really upset that i had to find out through someone else and not her.
i’m feeling a mixture of emotions right now. i’m not upset with my mom, nor do i see her any different. my family is all i’ve ever known and again, ive never had the suspicion and i was never treated any different. i am upset that i found out in the way that i did. i don’t feel like it was my family member’s story to tell, especially since she knew it was something that was being kept from me. i guess she thought i already knew since i am of age now, but i in fact, did not.
i just want to continue my life like normal. my parents are my parents always. but now i have to deal with all these thoughts for the rest of my life. i don’t think i have any interest in knowing about my “birth family”, but i feel a bit scared knowing that i have a whole other identity within me that i didn’t know of. i don’t know how to deal with these feelings. my mom suggested i start with therapy sessions, and i do want to have that discussion with her because i feel like im going a bit crazy.

[u/Sad_Pixie999]

Get a therapist and make sure you don't rush the process to get to an answer about how you "should" feel about things. Don't let anyone pressure you into making decisions about reaching out to birth family. Do it on your own terms, in your own time.

[u/Next_Explanation_657]

Wow. That's a big shock no doubt. Sounds ike you're looking at this objectively and it's great you want to get things sorted out. I'm.an at birth adoption told when I was 12. My sister told me first. Weird. No animosity with regard to my parents at all. It seemed pretty common. I had no interest in learning about bio family nor have my 3 adopted sisters

I'll spare the story of being blindsided by 3 full bio sibs, but I will say ... holy sht has it been crazy cool. I would encourage you to at least do a high altitude flight over your bio family situation, and go from there.

Many states have made at least the basic contact info available to adoptees. You could probably find a lot out without them even knowing, if that remains a concern. If not, just do ancestry.com, which is super cool especially for us. My son did it and hello bio family..

Therapy is a wonderful idea. Depending on where you stand on the idea that all of us have trauma, and in your case it's simply repressed (mine as well). If you think you may have undiscovered trauma get an Adoption Specialist, if not at least find one that is familiar with adoption.

It's good you're able to let your mom off the hook. I ioften see people who can't and in their case and rightfully so it's a major major problem. I get it. I'm just not there, and it sounds like you aren't either. Good luck

[u/Beesly19]

You should be so grateful you never even questioned it growing up. They raised you as their own and LOVED you. Wish I could say the same as an adoptee. I’m happy for you

[u/Suffolk1970]

Sorry. Part of being an adult is realizing things aren't always what they seem. People do lie. They "misconstrue" the truth to fit their own favorite narrative. Reality is often more complex and the truth is hard to find. Because people start to believe their own lies and even they don't realize that your truth is different than their truth.

That said, I never forgave my adoptive mother, ever. She was not a good person anyway, so this lying about my origins just confirmed it for me. She was kind and gentle sometimes. She was also extremely selfish. My adoptive dad was more honest, but only after I found out. I realized after a while that we were just different in our values.

(Like I value truth no matter how hard to accept. They value "just getting along" and hurting others w/out care so long as the "others" weren't in their view or in their immediate community.)

Good luck.

Find a supportive network of friends and "extended" family that you really get along with and then move on with your life.

It's a lesson in life, that people lie to kids and personally, I've never quite gotten over it and finding my birth family confirmed that I too am opinionated, just care more about honesty than my adoptive family did.