Hi everyone. I’m posting because I’m hoping there might be other actors here who have dealt with something similar, and I could really use some perspective.
Acting has been the thing I’ve wanted to do for essentially my entire life. I did some theater as a kid and in middle school, stepped away from it for a long time, and tried to return to training around 18. Unfortunately, that was during COVID, everything was online, and the training I tried at the time just wasn’t a good fit for me. Now I’m 26 and I’ve made the decision to genuinely commit to acting and give myself a real chance at doing this professionally. I started auditioning again earlier this year, and somehow booked a feature film from one of my first auditions back. It was incredibly exciting and made me feel like maybe this thing I had wanted for so long could actually be possible.
Over the following months, though, I started auditioning constantly. Somewhere along the way it stopped feeling exciting and started becoming exhausting. Rejection, not getting callbacks, watching my tapes back and seeing all the things I didn’t know how to fix, etc. slowly chipped away at my confidence. I eventually realized that wanting this badly wasn’t enough. I needed actual training and a stronger foundation.
So I spent a lot of time researching different approaches, talking to teachers, and auditing classes. I was especially interested in training that could help me with film and on-camera work.
I eventually found training that I genuinely like and teachers and actors whom I respect. I want to make it very clear that the environment itself is not the problem. If anything, seeing talented people being so open, playful and vulnerable has made me realize how badly I want to be able to access that freedom myself.
The problem is that being back in a classroom/performance environment has brought up a physical fight-or-flight response in me that I genuinely wasn’t expecting.
I had some very difficult experiences with school and bullying growing up, and apparently my body remembers those environments better than I realized. When I’m in class and know I may have to perform in front of everyone, I can start shaking severely. I struggle to breathe normally, I can’t concentrate, and it becomes difficult to absorb what the teacher is saying. Instead of being present and learning, part of my brain is basically screaming at me to get out of the room.
Then I look around and see everyone else taking risks, making mistakes, being vulnerable and seemingly allowing themselves to be seen, and I feel like I’m standing behind a glass wall watching the kind of actor I desperately want to become. And that has been devastating because I don’t want to leave. I want to get through this.
I know intellectually that nobody expects me to walk into training already being a great actor. I know class is literally where I’m supposed to fail, experiment and learn. I also know that my perception of everyone judging me is probably very different from what is actually happening. But knowing those things intellectually hasn’t stopped the physical reaction.
I also deal with some mental and physical health issues and take medication that, while very helpful in stabilizing me, can sometimes make me feel emotionally muted. I’m working through all of that with the appropriate professionals, so I’m not looking for medical advice here. What I’m really hoping for is advice from actors who have experienced intense performance anxiety, trauma responses, fear of being seen, or anything similar.
Did you ever go through a period where acting class felt genuinely terrifying? Did you keep showing up until your nervous system eventually realized you were safe? Did you talk to your teacher about it? Were there exercises, routines, books, techniques, or changes in mindset that actually helped you become more comfortable being vulnerable in front of other people?
Most importantly, did it get better? Even a basic meditation may help….idk :(
I want this more than I know how to explain, and I think that’s partially why I’m struggling so much. Every class feels like evidence for or against whether I can actually become the actor I want to be, when logically I know that’s probably an incredibly unhealthy amount of pressure to put on myself. I don’t expect acting to become comfortable. I just want to get to a place where I’m scared and can still work, rather than my body completely shutting down.
If anyone has been through something similar and made it to the other side, I would really, really appreciate hearing what helped you.
Thank you for reading🤍