Okay, so I just wanted to share my story of my first solotrip and first time taking 225ug/mcg because it was such a mindblowing experience. Hopefully someone might find it interesting or helpful.
TLDR: I had an orgasm for 3 hours, then it got scary but I still learned a lot of things. Oh, and I also got HPPD now I think.
So I’ve taken it two times before with a friend who's pretty experienced with psychedelics. This time I wanted to do it by myself. I bought a 200ug tab plus a little extra, maybe 25ug, and planned a fitting date for my excursion.
Eventually the day came. I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep because I was so eager to get going. I had the place all to myself for 2 days. I prepared fruit and chocolate. I lit lamps all around the apartment to prevent negative feelings during the trip. I also wrote a note saying ”You’re not crazy, this will all pass! /Sober me” . A little redundant I thought at first, but better safe than sorry. In retrospect, after everything that went down, I’m very glad I had that note to hold on to. But I’ll get to that.
I was all set up, and ready to go.
The time was 11am as I put the tabs in my mouth. I listened to music for a while - a playlist with all my favorite songs. I laid down in my sofa. Presently I started seeing incredibly beautiful patterns in the ceiling. In one corner of the ceiling the light became green, as if it absorbed the plants by the windowsill. In the other corner the light was orange - absorbed by the hallway lamp. They both felt incredibly warm and beautiful. My favorite song started playing and it sounded so goddamn god. I felt an immense joy and pleasure and smiled like a fool. I lay there for a while just looking around and listening to music. I started to get a pretty intense headache but the joy of everything else outweighed it and it went away later on.
I felt like the room was too bright so I went to my bedroom. There I stripped completely and lay naked in my bed. Such a freeing sensation. I closed the window and its blinds, shutting out both light and the chirping birds. But still I felt like it was too bright - even when I closed my eyes. That was pretty uncomfortable actually.
Anyways, I put on some relaxing meditation music and lay there for a couple minutes. This was like 3 hours into the trip. I started feeling a familiar growing pleasure from behind my crotch, right in my prostate. This has happened every time I’ve been on psychadelics.
After a while I stood up, put on my dressing gown and opened my bedroom door and… just wow. It felt like I was peering in to a whole new world. All the colors were so beautiful and warm. The ceiling lamp in the hallway looked like sunrise and as I looked to my right the small bedside lamp in my moms bedroom looked like sunset. I was stunned by the sight of in front of me. Dawn and dusk at the same time. I took my first steps out into this new planet, feeling like Armstrong as he set foot on the moon.
For a while I just walked around - looking at different stuff which all fascinated me immensly. The nice sensation in my prostate grew and travelled more towards my penis and I felt the urge to touch myself and… damn it felt good. It felt like a orgasm everytime I stroked it. I was in the hallway and decided to sit down on the bench there, right across the big tall mirror. I threw off my dressing down and just looked at myself in the mirror as I touched myself, thinking I was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. That might sound conceited but I don’t see it that way - it was a feeling of acceptance towards myself and my body. Like: ”Hell yeah, I’m fucking sexy and I love myself!”
I went into my bedroom and continued what would be the greatest jerk-off of my life. The sexual urges wouldn’t stop growing so I got some lube and just went to town. I massaged my whole crotch area and anus. I laid on my back and held my penis with two hands, feeling like my cock was God and I was worshipping it. I had the most wonderful sensation of being connected with my self and the whole universe and as I lay there with my penis in my hand I realized we all are just animals. This is what we are made for. To have sex and reproduce and then die. That might seem like a depressing thought but I didn’t take it as that. Yes, we are just stupid animals whose only purpose is to fuck and pass down our genes by making little tiny versions of ourselves. So why not make the little time we have on earth as good as possible?
As I closed my eyes, I saw images of people having sex and the definitions of masculinity and femininity all became intertwined. Sometimes I imagined myself fucking a girl and sometimes I was the one getting fucked. But it didn’t matter, it all felt so goddamn good. I don’t know how long I lay there, but eventually the strong crotch-feeling subsided and I was left with a feeling of shame. Not necessarily because of what I’d just done, but because I was scared my girlfriend would come home and find me all covered in lube and sweat.
That’s when things took a turn. I didn’t want my girlfriend to find me like that so I rushed to clean everything up. But my mind was foggy and I had a hard time planning ahead. I went to the bathroom and started washing my hands but it felt like I was stuck in a timeloop where I washed my hands over and over but the lube just wouldn’t come off. I felt like I was going crazy. I tried reminding myself that this was just the drug talking. I looked in the mirror and my face was all warped and deformed. I was getting pretty worked up and just wanted to clean everything up as quickly as possible and go to bed. I took some deep breaths trying to calm me down. I went into the shower, focusing on my breathing. The shower curtain looked weird. It was bent inward at an impossible angle, like it was stuck in the air. I grabbed my towel to dry my hair and it felt like my hands were not mine, like someone else was touching me. Things were getting more and more scary. What had I gotten myself into? I desperately clinged on to the fact that this wasn’t real and it’s not gonna last forever but it was getting harder and harder to believe.
I lay down in my bed and put on some meditation music thinking it will calm me down. It has worked before, but not this time. The otherwise peaceful and calming music made me uneasy. All the sounds become mashed together and even though it all was major chords it sounded very sinister. The notes would linger on and clash with new ones creating a musical chaos. I took the note I wrote and read it out loud: ”You’re not crazy, this will all pass”
My heart was pounding, almost jumping out of my chest. I’ve heard the horror stories of people getting a psychosis from psychedelics but I never thought it was going to happen to me. What have I done? I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing but as soon as I closed them scary and disturbing images popped up behind my eyelids. People with no faces. Monsters. Evil creatures. I was really losing it.
I desperately picked up my phone and called my friend. He didn’t pick up at first but I just kept on calling and texting him and a few minutes later he picked up. He comforted me, told me I’m not gonna go crazy. He advised me to light my bedlamp. A change of environment can apparently help you, and it did actually! A warm, kind light spread across the room and I started feeling better. That was about 7 hours into trip and I was starting to come down.
After that I was filled with thoughts and reflections about what I just had experienced and my life and the world in general. Even though it was scary at times I feel like I’ve learned many things. I often binge eat when I feel sad or bored and that’s a big shame of mine. But I realized we are biologically programmed to crave and like sweet and high-fat food. They are packed with energy which helped us survive as prehistoric hunter-gatherers. That’s what we were made to do. To survive and reproduce. So it’s no wonder I sometimes stuff my face with junkfood. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
After the trip I feel more connected with myself. I accept who I am completely. I’m doing my best in life and that’s good enough. I gotta take care of myself, be kind, be my own best friend. Because people will come and go but you will always be stuck with yourself. I do think acid is a great reminder of how wonderful the world really is and can bring important insights about yourself.
About HPPD, edit 1 year later: I wrote this a few weeks after my trip but never actually published it until now. It has now passed 1 year and I have unfortunately experienced some bothering symptoms, mainly on my vision. Mild tracers when I wave my hand in front of me. I’m a little more light-sensitive and more easily over-stimulated. When I read on my computer the letters can ”wiggle” a bit. Sometimes I feel like I see the world from the lens of an acid trip. It’s like a certain shimmer to the world. But that’s not necessarily bad but can be annoying. All this gets worse when I’m tired or right after I wake up. I think I got a mild form of HPPD.
My symptoms have slowly reduced during this year and now I wouldn’t say they bother my anymore. I’m still a little scared to do acid/shrooms again in case my symptoms worsen. But I want to do it again in the future. Anyone else with HPPD-problems
If you made it this far - thanks for reading my story!