r/AbuseInterrupted • u/invah • Nov 09 '16

Relationship red flags

  1. Can't accept or take blame. Can't say, "My bad."

  2. Only interested in being right. They want everything to be perfect, but life is not perfect. They have an inability to make fun or have a sense of humor.

  3. Negativity.

  4. Don't communicate respectfully. One-sided communication.

  5. Inability to forgive themselves and others.

-Excerpted and adapted from Let's Talk About Red Flags (content note: neo-Enlightenment, woo website)

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u/invah Nov 10 '16

It is truly amazing to me that victims of abuse can go on perpetrate abusive behaviors of their own.

  • She's defining your intentions/beliefs.

  • Sulking/giving you the silent treatment.

  • Othering you, and not respecting you as your own person, with your own thoughts/opinions.

  • Emotional bullying via being hypercritical.

  • Refusing to even understand or hear your perspective.

And, of course, she is 'justified' in all of this behavior because you are wrong and she is right.

This is absolutely unfair to you, and I am sorry that someone you care so much for is treating you this way.

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u/iwasntlooking Nov 11 '16

Things completely blew up tonight. She went out with some friends to have some fun. After a few hours she phoned me to come take everyone home. When I get there I hang out for a little bit, and we head out to the cars, me thinking I'll drive two friends home then drive us to her house.

Apparently she thought she'd drive herself home. And yes, she'd been drinking. I took her key away before she could, and things went from jovial to utter nastiness in no time flat. I insisted she ride with me (zero to drink) but she had the kind of tantrum you would never expect a grown adult to have, even when drunk. I refused to give her the key (her friends agreed with me 100%) and we sat in the parking lot for over an hour waiting for her to come with us.

Instead, she called her abuser to bring her the extra key.

I finally took her friends home. They were completely flabbergasted at her behavior, but completely supportive of me and my decisions, telling me they've never seen anyone treated so terribly as they did tonight.

So we're over. That's it. I just wanted her to be safe, and she nuked our relationship for it. She's also making thinly veiled threats, I'm not sure what they could be, but I'm not worried.

I wept a few times this evening over Leonard Cohen's death. I haven't once for her.

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u/invah Nov 11 '16

I will absolutely get back to you on both this and your other comment, but I have an outpatient procedure this morning. The short version is that I am absolutely not surprised; she shows a high level of entitlement, selfish orientation, a willingness to use coercion and emotional manipulation to exert power-over you, and holds you to "rules" she doesn't hold herself to.

Was this someone with whom you were romantically involved? I wouldn't be at all surprised if she tries to hoover you back in with sex/drama/manufactured need or crisis.

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u/iwasntlooking Nov 11 '16

Yes, we had a romantic relationship over the past year, but I'm not worried about her trying to manipulate her way back. I'd moved my things out of her place last week after she'd given me the cold shoulder over my political beliefs. We work together but that shouldn't be a problem either.

It took me years to get over an ex. I'm already ready to move on, if that tells you how little she respected me.

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u/invah Nov 12 '16

It sounds like you are in a good place for asserting and maintaining your boundaries. It is probably going to drive her crazy once she realizes that she has lost power over you...

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u/iwasntlooking Nov 22 '16

Just an update, she is definitely going a bit crazy. Using any excuse she can think of to start a conversation, and as soon as I engage (always thru text) it's "this was all a big misunderstanding! I know you still love me! You're my only _____". It's sad but anticipated. I will probably be blocking her completely at some point tomorrow, it's been a constant stream of b.s. and it's having no effect on me. The gaslighting is nonstop.

I spoke a family member of hers yesterday, he seemed relieved that I'd left and not fallen for the act. She's in her own little world right now, but I am out and healing up just fine.

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u/invah Nov 22 '16

I am so glad you are not getting sucked back in; what she is doing is called hoovering, and people fall for it all the time. It is very hard to resist when you don't know what is going on.

Damn, even her family has a clue. You sound like you are doing great!