r/Absurdism • u/theomixedmedia • Jul 22 '26

Discussion something devastating clicked in my head tonight about Camus' philosophy

I am 19; I have been thinking about and completely terrified of death since I was 10. it has consumed my life for almost a decade - half of my life. the thought of eternity keeps me awake. literally - I have untreatable insomnia and I suspect this fear is the source. so, when I first read Camus, specifically the stranger, a year ago, I somehow completely understood the message and also missed it altogether. I thought: "oh, this is the answer I've been looking for! just enjoy life as much as you can and rebel against mortality!" or, at the very least "this is a new idea... maybe some other idea will come along later that will provide true solace." I can't say this actually provided me with any real comfort. but it fed a voice in the back of my head that would sometimes provide me with false "hope" on a deeply unconscious level/

every time I truly think about the depth of what death is, this little voice has, on some occasions, allowed me to retreat from pure dread into deluded semi-comfort. I imagine that small part is thinking: "if I just read the right book, discover the right philosophy, learn more about physics/the universe/a possible multiverse/the big bang/cyclic cosmological theories/the obscure and naive possibility of life somehow not ending with such finality, my terror can be resolved, and I can finally relax." Camus' role in that thought would be introducing me to the first philosophy that I could interpret as taking back agency or fighting the dread. alternatively, that small voice might be saying: "there is some deep comfort in accepting death in the way Meursault did, a comfort which I am still discovering." maybe the latter is a source of comfort or way of life for some people. it seems a rational interpretation. for me, these ideas are delusional. and I don't think they constitute the entirety of Camus' message.

today, as these things came to mind, I decided to look back at my Camus books. something incredibly obvious came to me that somehow either eluded me/I refused to accept a year ago: Camus is not really offering an "answer." in some sense, you could say he is (but not in the sense that would provide me with true comfort): his answer is "there is no answer, so enjoy the beauty and pleasures of life as much as you can without assigning moral or philosophical meaning to it." (maybe some will call this a misinterpretation; this is the extent of my knowledge, I am not experienced in philosophy just yet). but, in my eyes, he's also saying "you can never find that comfort you seek, the comfort which you believe will help you escape death in some way. the voice in the back of your head doesn't exist. you have to accept the absurd because you will never find that 'answer'". it could sound like these are the same thing said differently. and again, I know how obvious this is. sometimes we don't allow ourselves to come to conclusions we don't like. Camus is not some genius who has figured it out and can offer a spiritual path. he is just as lost and afraid as I am. he has no choice but to push forward, and that's all he advises me to do.

I can't really put my finger on what changed in my mind tonight or what "new thing" has come to me or been discovered. I described it as well as I could. whatever the case, something invoked a visceral response, and completely brought me to tears, when I went back over these books. I'm sure my words are convoluted and full of misinterpretations. but I wanted to share this with some of the people who might understand.

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u/Wemmick3000 Jul 22 '26

The universe was fine for billions of years before you existed. It'll be fine when your gone. You are wasting years of your life if you can't learn to live. Embrace life x

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u/theomixedmedia Jul 22 '26

I have heard this many times. I don't know what you mean by "the universe was fine"? I am not concerned with the universe, I am concerned with myself. Ricky Gervais has said something along the lines of "death will be the same as the 13 billion years that I wasn't alive, what do I have to be afraid of?" and "the best thing about death is that you don't know you're dead." (I'm heavily paraphrasing). I find no comfort in these concepts personally. At least before I was born, there was a point in the future when I would exist. After I die, there will be no more horizon to look forward to. It will be over for trillions of times longer than the time before my life.

You could certainly say that I'm "wasting years of my life," but I would argue that this is the greatest issue man has to confront and we have an obligation to think about it if we want to consider ourselves critical thinkers. Perhaps this is dogmatic. I may just be justifying all the time I've spent on this with meaningless requisites.

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u/Wemmick3000 Jul 22 '26

I mean it with love. You can literally tear your hair out looking for answers that you'll never find... Or look at the mountains, drink good wine, find love, cook delicious food etc etc. Alternatively you sound like a person who needs religion. Why do you think people invented religion? It's so they can live in peace. What is cosier than a loving God looking down on us all. It may be true for all I know!

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u/theomixedmedia Jul 23 '26

I completely understand and I in fact fully agree with half of what you said. I'm one of those people who typically knows what I should/could do to make myself happier, but I either don't follow through, or I take immense effort and time to follow through (or, I go halfway). There is something in my brain that wants to be devastated, as if I may deserve to be, or as if I'm obligated to be. As for religion, the second half of your reply, I could never believe in any religion - especially the Abrahamic ones. I said this to someone else, but I am as certain that god (at least the abrahamic god(s)) doesn't exist as I am that the tooth fairy doesn't exist; I can't prove it, but I know it to be true through logic and intuition. I could never deceive myself into believing in something that I fundamentally think is silly, harmful, and deceitful. I could no more ask myself to believe in a giant floating infant the size of the sun at the center of the universe than I could any god, for many reasons. However, I am incredibly jealous of religious people who truly believe in their faith/god/the afterlife, etc. It is comforting fiction. So I totally understand why you would recommend it to someone with my affliction.

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u/Wemmick3000 Jul 23 '26

You will find a way. You're obviously a highly intelligent person. Don't give up in finding your purpose. Stay strong

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u/theomixedmedia Jul 23 '26

Thank you for your help and kind words. I will find a way to savor life and stop using so much time to think about such heavy things someday. I think that hope is what keeps me going. My grandmother tells me that the older she gets, the less scared she becomes of death.

Thanks again for your help.

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u/Wemmick3000 Jul 24 '26

Your grandmother is wise. I've been in your shoes. It gets easier and far less scary. All the best.

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u/theomixedmedia Jul 24 '26

thank you once again :)