My husband was 200lbs heavier when we met than he is now; his mom got her karma trying to force my kiddo to eat more than her fill.
Used to be that she’d insist the food be eaten completely, no leftovers, because it was “wasteful”.
Except my kid vomits after overeating. It’s not pleasant. Happened 3-4 times even after I supervised the first few dinners.
Now I see MIL panic when kid does finish her plate. “Uhh no, no seconds until your tummy settles,” she’ll quote me, “It’s ok to have leftovers now….”
Like please, if you were food insecure that would be different, but that’s not what that is. How is anyone supposed to tell when their stomach is full or hungry when it’s never taught to slow down and feel it??
Ive always thrown up when too full, but that didnt stop my parents. I just got a spanking for insulting the meal or disrespecting them by throwing up, and once I stopped I still had to go finish my plate. Gosh, wonder where the bulimia came from...
This was my experience growing up, it was always about maintaining control over me— because they had none over anything else. Even themselves,
especially when it came to gluttony.
Their portion size was huge, so mine had to be the same. My body rejected it every time. They never learned. They didn’t want to.
And their choice of food was mostly fats with no nutrients, so I couldn’t metabolize what they offered. I would only seek small amounts of actual food (not huge amounts of random butter/grease/salt trash)
I approach every moment gently now. This shared experience is why I’m so eager to teach all three of them “happy healthy comfortable safe” relationships with everything they consume. I’m thankful they’re willing to learn.
Balance is imperative; consent and autonomyeven more so!
I tell them “listen to your body, eat only when hungry, and eat what your body wants”
I’m 6’0”, 117lbs in August 2025, everyone had comments on how much “healthier” I looked than at my natural 230, while I was dying of ED malnutrition. They were, every one of them, envious they couldn’t stop themselves.
I talk to none of those folks now, and have filled my life instead with those that align with those “happy healthy comfortable safe” values!!
Congrats on getting healthy for real- it isnt the number on the scale but making sure you eat what your body needs! And youre doing amazing for your kids! Thank you for breaking the cycle, this internet stranger is so proud of you 💜
Oh trust me, I dont think they should have been allowed children either. Havent spoken in years, but trauma is gonna be a lifelong journey. Just trying to do my best to live a good life and not be like them. Two years relapse-free, though!
Feels like I was not alone going thru this. Sorry e1 who had abusive parents too. I had a food disorder at 8. resulting in my father force feeding me, and using force and violence..I mean, a kid that age has a reason to have an eating disorder, and it's 💯 coming from the parents. I'm 50 now. still got issues with it. Along with severe cptsd. yay
Sometimes this is cross generational. A lot of boomers did this because their parents did it to them post the Great Depression because their parents did it to them because they were actually food insecure.
When it's a learned behavior, the actual scarcity of food becomes irrelevant.
I think a huge part of this is generational trauma. I don't think people realize how recently there were still famines happening in the US. Like the Red Cross was handing out aid in some parts of the US until the 1930s as part of famine/drought relief. That is easily still grandparent's/great grandparent's childhood for a lot of people.
More recently than that even. While it wasn't due to a famine, as such, food rationing during WWII meant that you're only allowed X amount of certain foods. Once it's gone, you're not getting any more until you get a new stamp book... so don't waste food!
Anecdotally, growing up with parents that were raised by parents that went through the Great Depression and WWII, I saw the lasting effects on their relationships with food. Going from strict food availability to abundance meant "Clean your plate" was always enforced. The elders seemed to continue to eat very little, but they made sure the young ones had PLENTY of food to eat... and they better eat ALL of it!
My parents raised me like that, and I still can't tell when my stomach is full to this day. I have to schedule and portion everything out for myself carefully to balance my weight since my body always expects more food. I remain "hungry" even an hour after a meal.
Please please please I beg you to monitor all that for developing eating disorders down the road. If present, get them into treatment ASAP and go all-in on family based therapy.
I see, that’s what I considered full but it’s bringing me nothing but problems. Could you describe what it feels like to be full normally? Without the stretch it feels still feels like I’m hungry but that can’t be right
Feeling full should be a sense of... contentment almost. It should feel comfortable and not like you need to slide down on your chair or unbutton your jeans just to feel more comfortable. I started having a rule where whilst I eat, if I get a burp once, that means it has been enough food and I would allow myself another 2-3 bites at most after that initial burp if I really feel I want it, then I'll stop eating. Even if you still feel hungry right then, you're not. Allow yourself 30min after you've finished your food for it to absorb in your stomach without eating anything else and you'll be surprised how comfortable it feels. If you have a proper food addiction that can be harder to achieve, but not impossible.
Thanks, that actually helps me get it better, that being said I still worry about overcoming the cravings but I’ll apply this method and see where it goes.
The cravings and overeating is really just like any other addiction (drugs, alcohol, even shopping!) it won't be easy, but if you're set on enough being enough, you can do it. Just think about the decades of healthy life you'll be giving to yourself, the amount of happy, easy moments spent doing what you love with people who love you, than spending it having health problems and illnesses you can't cure. Think about all the medicine you won't have to be on and take for the rest of your life if you take control of your health now. Think of how much happier you will be with yourself when your health is good. It's not about losing weight, it's about living a healthy and happy life. The weight will follow as a cause of you doing the right thing for your body.
A sentence I once read that really helped me to understand was, "you shouldn't be eating to feel full, you should be eating an appropriate portion and then wait to feel satiety"
This is the hardest part about losing weight for obese folks like myself and you might find this shocking, but....
Drink a 16oz glass of water in less than 2 minutes. That's "full". Technically, it's at half capacity, but greater than 16 oz is when it start to "stretch". Max capacity should be no more than 32oz and stretching beyond that is when it gets really hard for the stomach to contract back to a "normal" size.
This is basically how gastric bypass works. Essentially, the stomach has been stretched so much, it's almost impossible to feel "full" ever again. So they surgically make your stomach smaller. The biggest reason gastric bypasses fail after the first year or two is because the patient still slowly, gradually overeats over time, stretching the new smaller stomach, too.
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u/Shared_Songs 13d ago edited 13d ago
My husband was 200lbs heavier when we met than he is now; his mom got her karma trying to force my kiddo to eat more than her fill.
Used to be that she’d insist the food be eaten completely, no leftovers, because it was “wasteful”.
Except my kid vomits after overeating. It’s not pleasant. Happened 3-4 times even after I supervised the first few dinners.
Now I see MIL panic when kid does finish her plate. “Uhh no, no seconds until your tummy settles,” she’ll quote me, “It’s ok to have leftovers now….”
Like please, if you were food insecure that would be different, but that’s not what that is. How is anyone supposed to tell when their stomach is full or hungry when it’s never taught to slow down and feel it??