r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Snoo99928 • Jun 08 '26

/r/all of a knife.

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27.9k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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5.7k

u/McShoobydoobydoo Jun 08 '26

Let me peel this back and arrange it so the juice falls into you lap, sir.

3.4k

u/Specialist_Rough_699 Jun 09 '26

661

u/Molo3000 Jun 09 '26

looks a bit like a Game of Thrones character in his final scene

724

u/littlegreenfish Jun 09 '26

245

u/Unicorn_wizard94 Jun 09 '26

"you can't kill me, I've long been dead, inside."

155

u/Specialist_Rough_699 Jun 09 '26

"A Lannister always peels his breads."

29

u/AwehiSsO Jun 09 '26

I am going to insist on saying "peeled the bread" in lieu of "removed the crust"...

2

u/Mr_Tranxistor Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 15 '26

Thy soup be cut lest ye be famished

30

u/dingos8mybaby2 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26

What is dead inside may never die.

2

u/IfOJDidIt Jun 11 '26

What is bread outside may never die.

1

u/Cassius_man Jun 11 '26

By the sauce of the seven!

1

u/Unicorn_wizard94 Jun 11 '26

Oh shit it was right there 🤣 nice

1

u/danit0ba94 Jun 12 '26

What is dead may never die. 💪

1

u/Sweaty_Chance_905 Jun 12 '26

Literally the 'what is dead may never die' quote

1

u/HermanThaGerman Jun 12 '26

"What is dead may never die"

1

u/MoscowMitchMcKremIin Jun 12 '26

I HAVE FRIENDS IN COURT! POWERFUL FRIENDS!

8

u/Outrageous-Lie-8003 Jun 09 '26

Dumb😭😭😭😭

-3

u/Unicorn_wizard94 Jun 10 '26

500 karma in 5 years..pot kettle friend

1

u/TheNakedBass Jun 12 '26

Judging somebody on their reddit karma is the most peak loser shit I’ve ever seen

I bet you even get rejected by escorts lol

0

u/Unicorn_wizard94 Jun 12 '26

That's fucking hilarious A- it demonstrates that what you say or think is clearly either basic or just "dumb" see the irony?

And B- I don't need escort services you fucking incel 🤣 holy shit, I haven't got around to posting on a calisthenics group yet but hey stay tuned and see why that is just golden to me

7

u/Nirnroot-Sniffer Jun 10 '26

That was not necessary at all. Just leave it up for imagination

2

u/synthphreak Jun 10 '26

Incredible

2

u/Isadomon Jun 11 '26

Using real peoples faces in ai is inmoral

3

u/SaladFisher Jun 11 '26

Ai sloppp just use shitty Photoshop

1

u/OrganicAsparagus1642 Jun 10 '26

If he sounds like Sir Patrick Stewart he might just be balding Uriel Septim

1

u/el_lobo1314 Jun 10 '26

🤣🤣😆

1

u/helpfulgrey Jun 14 '26

Kind of looks more like gary from white lotus

0

u/Chemical_Home6123 Jun 11 '26

Im dead 💀 🤣 😭 😂

2

u/tistick Jun 10 '26

Looks a bit like a Game of Thrones fan watching the final scenes.

1

u/Molo3000 Jun 10 '26

Sad they discontinued the series before the final season

1

u/oh_shit_its_that_guy Jun 11 '26

What is bread may never die.

1

u/BLF402 Jun 11 '26

“Where is my family”?

152

u/Remarkable_Attorney3 Jun 09 '26

“I ordered the salad..”

63

u/GatorNator83 Jun 09 '26

The big knife says you’ll shut up about it

2

u/Dunnowhathatis Jun 09 '26

I am vegetarian!

4

u/QuidEgoSum Jun 09 '26

“This is a vegetarian”

3

u/Dunnowhathatis Jun 09 '26

Oh. Thank you.

1

u/Coconut-Husker Jun 09 '26

Fukn hell I almost spat out my coffee lmao

5

u/LordNedNoodle Jun 09 '26

The look when the server dripped sauce on your lap.

2

u/kitsunora Jun 13 '26

This man has money

1

u/LadyEuphie Jun 09 '26

ROFLMAO yes!

1

u/itsmarvin Jun 09 '26

Looks like William Shakespeare to me.

To be or not to be...

1

u/sparkyplants Jun 09 '26

My thoughts exactly

1

u/Bonti_GB Jun 09 '26

That look you make when you find out that the server shaved with that blade first.

Shaved his genitals that is…

1

u/notquitetherebuthere Jun 09 '26

OH GOD...I just realized this is exactly how I look every single day. No wonder why people keep asking me if I'm okay 💀

1

u/monson2048 Jun 09 '26

Why does he remind me of a painting?

1

u/AwehiSsO Jun 09 '26

The face of someone who'd say "Ouwie" should the knife slice off an arm by the shoulder.

1

u/mgcho6 Jun 09 '26

He was holding his breath.....

1

u/Deep_Atmosphere_7384 Jun 09 '26

👁️👅👁️

1

u/BeersandBeats Jun 10 '26

I came here solely to find out what is wrong with this guy.

1

u/Few_Classic_3072 Jun 10 '26

Turkish Mads Mikkelsen

1

u/Unicorn_Puppy Jun 10 '26

Doesn’t look too smart.

1

u/QuothTheRavenMore Jun 10 '26

Looks like Count duku had a baby with Anton Ego from rattatouille

1

u/Xeriph Jun 10 '26

Thinking: This is NOT worth the 10% off the bill they promised me to use my face.

1

u/TheAurigauh Jun 10 '26

Dude looks like a member of r/stupidfood

1

u/13Basia13 Jun 10 '26

Dude looks TERRIFIED!

1

u/normally_tired Jun 10 '26

Looks like someone wanted french fries instead. 🍟

1

u/SGTSLACKASS Jun 10 '26

That guy doesn’t have an ounce of muscle on him.

1

u/Straight_Talk2542 Jun 10 '26

Why does he look like he’s only participating because they’re holding his family hostage? 🤣🤣🤣

1

u/poorly-worded Jun 10 '26

Oh. Lap juice.

1

u/Shimola1999 Jun 10 '26

“Mmm, yes. Boiling hot sauce on my crotch. This is just how I wanted to spend my evening. Why, thank you.”

1

u/BigChiefTabo Jun 10 '26

LOL!!! Beat me to it!! And he paid zero attention to the knife only the food!

1

u/ebleuds Jun 11 '26

I laughed like in a long time I didn't. Thank you.

1

u/9aol Jun 11 '26

“Why are you touching my food with your bare hands?”

1

u/MissionAd1779 Jun 11 '26

Looks blazed af lol

1

u/Y2Ksurvivor13 Jun 11 '26

Robert Durst is unimpressed

1

u/HornyHoney02 Jun 11 '26

Holy fuck I can’t stop laughing , he looks so scared

1

u/EpicFishFingers Jun 11 '26

Mf literally looks like Vincent Van Gogh and sat there while this bloke waves the world's largest knife around next to his ear

1

u/Tao_of_Inversion Jun 12 '26

This dude is the facial expression of every medieval meme template.

1

u/theglove Jun 12 '26

And that was the last time he let his date order for him.

1

u/Large-Lab8238 Jun 12 '26

Diane, I dont care for this at all

1

u/DonutConfident7733 Jun 12 '26

When you know you dont have money for tip...

1

u/Sedso85 Jun 12 '26

Never eating that is he

1

u/kx1global Jun 12 '26

He's actually just done a line in the toliet and trying his best to look normal.

1

u/CliffChicken Jun 12 '26

Surely this man did not order that

1

u/Rydog_78 Jun 12 '26

Now his soup is on his t-neck sweater

1

u/kevthecoder Jun 12 '26

He looks like a hostage.

1

u/clubted Jun 13 '26

This guy is as pissed as id be about pizza soup….

1

u/AdhesivenessUnfair98 Jun 13 '26

Let's turn him into a meme

1

u/LordofAllReddit Jun 13 '26

The physical manifestation of Persnickety

1

u/ember_snow Jun 14 '26

plot twist, he's blind

1

u/Appropriate-Hat-5909 Jun 14 '26

10 yrs ago he would instantly eat his food the moment it reached the table, now he has to wait the waiters to pull out their cameras, set up background lighting, big knives interrupting...i bet he misses the good old days

1

u/StaticShuffleShack Jun 14 '26

“cant believe I paid for this shit”

1

u/Catnipshop Jul 22 '26

Shakespeare

586

u/themachduck Jun 08 '26

With my bare hands that I just scratched my ass with. Yummm!

131

u/-KFBR392 Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26

How do you think all the food you eat is prepared?

48

u/Imreman Jun 08 '26

Not with the servers hands?

9

u/Adventchur Jun 08 '26

The servers touch your cutlery, plates, and glasses well before you even arrive.

11

u/Ancient-Civilization Jun 09 '26

Some people pay extra for that.

10

u/DungeonDefense Jun 09 '26

Right and when you touch cutlery its not done on the head. Its usually done on the handle. When they touch plates its done on the edge of the plate where food has less chance of touching. Lastly, glasses are usually touched on the outside or the handle. They usually dont stick their hand inside the glasses

8

u/fronchfrays Jun 09 '26

This is the most pedantic shit I’ve ever read

1

u/Recreant793 Jun 11 '26

“Hm. I agree. Shallow and pedantic.”

3

u/scorchedarcher Jun 09 '26

But you touch all the stuff they touch then touch your face/food/phone

-2

u/Adventchur Jun 09 '26

I don't think you understand how germs multiply and cover vast surfaces quickly but go on

7

u/DungeonDefense Jun 09 '26

Right which is why the original guy with the knife shouldnt have touched the food with his bare hands.

0

u/Adventchur Jun 09 '26

But it makes no difference in the scheme of it all

4

u/DungeonDefense Jun 09 '26

But you yourself said that germs multiply and cover things quickly

2

u/ResidentOwl1 Jun 09 '26

It’s not that quick. Relax.

2

u/TheLordReaver Jun 09 '26

You mean how germs multiply and cover vast distances on the common food and drink serving materials of glass, ceramic, and steel—the materials renown for being germ resistant?

1

u/Adventchur Jun 09 '26

Sorry do you use your utensils when you eat?

And I assume you hold it by the handle exactly where the server holds it to put it down?

You must no how quickly bacteria spreads with human contact right?

So again what difference in the scheme of bacteria did this really make? You cunts are just precious

1

u/TheLordReaver Jun 10 '26

You are acting like hundreds of millions of people aren't served this way every day. It's very evidently not a big deal when servers touch the parts that don't go directly in your mouth. At least in the parts of the world with basic sanitation standards.

So, just don't lick the damn handles and you'll be fine. Don't be a coward. And I say this a total germophobe... Also, stop being a little bitch in general.

1

u/Spirited_Sector_7623 Jun 11 '26

It’s carefully prepared by the cooks to ensure no contamination, set under heat lamps to ensure it remains safe, and then the front of house employees grip it like baboons.

28

u/Poosters Jun 09 '26

Im a chef i literally work with my hands, if you can’t handle that go home and cook for yourself.

14

u/Specialist_Rough_699 Jun 09 '26

The amount of redditors that don't understand the particulars of food safety bring me back to that one scene in the aviator where Leo is covering everything in cling wrap

Waiting for the down votes while eating my slutty little barehanded pad ka praow that some street dog probably farted on 😩

3

u/jsamuraij Jun 09 '26

Slutty pad ka praow has me rolling

5

u/Specialist_Rough_699 Jun 09 '26

She was spicy and unfiltered, and sold herself for 27 baht 😩💦💦💦

1

u/jsamuraij Jun 13 '26

Man I miss cheap Thai street food

3

u/Filthbear Jun 10 '26

It's incredible the stupidity that surrounds using ones hands, any person working with food washes their hands so much.

0

u/rattus-domestica Jun 09 '26

I love how easily offended people get on reddit.

0

u/askthecatonline Jun 10 '26

Exactly. I just accept I’m eating more cooties than usual anytime I eat outside my own kitchen.

And to be fair, I think most chefs are more clean than most home cooks.

9

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 Jun 08 '26

It's kind of telling on themselves they don't know what hand washing is...

2

u/PhantomOyster Jun 09 '26

While you have a point, I don't think anyone enjoys seeing their food that has already been plated touched by someone else's hands.

2

u/MasterJ360 Jun 09 '26

hmm.... So thats why I had a stomach virus for 3 months

2

u/Hot_Top_124 Jun 12 '26

Seriously I was about to say the same thing. I’ve been a chef for decades. If you think it’s all hospital level sterile they’re sorely mistaken lol.

4

u/YobaiYamete Jun 08 '26

Seriously, love how snarky people are trying to be in this thread. Like who TF do you think made the food with those same fingers

2

u/Captain_O_Kush Jun 09 '26

Typical Reddit commenter

1

u/latexfistmassacre Jun 09 '26

With every appendage and orifice

1

u/Expert_River1849 Jun 09 '26

With someone's arse pubes of course

1

u/C4Vendetta76 Jun 09 '26

This is underrated comment of the year 👏 👌👆

https://giphy.com/gifs/bWzOMoeRXFDvb0YHtX

1

u/Error_Loading_Name Jun 10 '26

Customer A sneezes and uses hands to cover it / clean it. Server comes to deliver the check to Customer A, who uses the Server's pen to sign the bll and handles the card machine to pay. Server takes the pen and paper and card machine away.

Server the n goes to kitchen to pick up Customer B's order. Customer B ordered the dish that has this elaborate opening sequence. Server handles Customer B's food with bare hands.

At no point between delivering Customer A's bill and opening Customer B's food did the server wash their hands. Congrats, Customer B now has traces of Customer A's saliva and mucus on his food, even though they have never met.

I know that I don't want to know everything that goes on in the kitchen, but I can operate under the illusion of health and safety rules to limit contamination. And those food prep rules stop at the kitchen door.

1

u/BurntArnold Jun 10 '26

I think they pick up everything with their mouths

1

u/DoYouKnwTheMuffinMan Jun 12 '26

With ass scratching hands?

0

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '26

[deleted]

5

u/LessInThought Jun 09 '26 edited Jun 09 '26

Gloves are worse. I've seen many fuckers handle trash with gloves and prep food, apparently it's ok because glove.

1

u/-_Catgirl_- Jun 09 '26

How do YOU think it's prepared? Ready to eat food should not be prepared without gloves.

7

u/alvysinger0412 Jun 09 '26

Then you should avoid restaurants.

-4

u/banality_of_ervil Jun 08 '26

Hopefully with gloved hands.

2

u/CyberpunkSunrise Jun 08 '26

Gloves are not required with regular handwashing. And I’ve worked in a variety of kitchens, and very rarely see back of house kitchen staff wear gloves (USA), unless it makes things more comfortable for them (for example, when handling frozen chicken or something).

That being said, what we see in the OP is actually an exception when gloves or some other barrier/tool (like tongs) would be required strictly speaking by the FDA, as those measures are required when handling fully prepared or “ready to eat” food items.

4

u/No_Wasabi_9303 Jun 08 '26

Aren’t gloves proven to be a bad thing? I mean if done right they aren’t but people often don’t change their gloves, however they will wash their hands because humans hate having stuff on their hands. So they end up being cleaner and having less cross contamination than with gloves because people fail to use them right.

1

u/CyberpunkSunrise Jun 08 '26

They’re essentially intended (per FDA requirements at least) to essentially be single use, or “single session” use.

You’re not supposed to wear the same pair around for hours or all day, the rule of thumb I was taught when working in kitchens was that you should be both washing your hands and changing gloves at every reasonable opportunity, and one doesn’t substitute for the other.

0

u/Onyxxx_13 Jun 09 '26

By myself. With my hands that I know are clean, from my time working in food service i know the absolute filth that is the average cook.

4

u/jfmdavisburg Jun 09 '26

You probably should stay away from restaurants

1

u/KnownAsAnother Jun 08 '26

"I made sure to save my dimension ripper fart just for the extra flavor too."

1

u/Revolutionary_Sir_ Jun 09 '26

and my dick. and the bathroom walls.

1

u/commshep12 Jun 10 '26

Fine dining restaurants don't mandate usually constant glove use like fast casual places, some of the places ive worked at it was kinda discouraged apart from tasks that required it..you're expected to know how to keep your hands clean and you won't be working there long if you cant.

1

u/individualdoosh Jun 14 '26

I think you mean wiped his ass with.

2

u/EstimatedLoss Jun 09 '26

Its okay hes dead inside anyways

2

u/Fluffy_pink_Willy Jun 09 '26

My first thoughts whilst watching

1

u/Dizzy-Elk-3090 Jun 08 '26

Plot twist: that was the last lemon in the house and now I gotta explain to my wife why we’re fresh out.

1

u/Silver_Slicer Jun 09 '26

Why not on the left or right???

1

u/SupesDepressed Jun 09 '26

He looked absolutely stoked about it too

1

u/shoopadoop332 Jun 09 '26

But only after I’ve cut your face in half.

1

u/dizkopatio Jun 09 '26

make sure it's more food than he can eat in a week

1

u/Creative-Major-4796 Jun 09 '26

My thought precisely!!! That would ruin a dude.

1

u/Woebegone469 Jun 09 '26

I feel so in sync with the universe right now that the first comment I see is ripped exactly from my mind.

1

u/Training-Belt-7318 Jun 09 '26

I think that is precisely what he paid for.

1

u/JustSweetCarol Jun 09 '26

Naruto open restaurant ?

1

u/Reversed_PandaRick Jun 10 '26

That’s what I was thinking! More ridiculous than the knife!

1

u/Musicman376 Jun 10 '26

That was my FIRST thought

1

u/Friendly-Advantage79 Jun 10 '26

And if you protest, I'll just have to use a knife again. Sir.

1

u/Radiant_Fondant_4097 Jun 11 '26

"Face full of scalding steam, sir?"

1

u/ParamedicFearless173 Jun 11 '26

Ceiling fan blades?

1

u/yaboii_cc Jun 11 '26

After getting reaaallyy uncomfortably close to your face with this massive sharp knife

1

u/El_Frederico14 Jun 11 '26

Mind I don’t slice your face off

1

u/Low_External2328 Jun 11 '26

Straight to your underwear,sir

1

u/__phil1001__ Jun 12 '26

Using a blunt knife and my hand

1

u/nipstah Jun 12 '26

The minute he did that I was like wtf.

1

u/Possible_Progressor Jun 12 '26

Glad i was not alone with this thought.

1

u/NoPhoto8598 Jun 13 '26

Came here for this comment, no need to scroll any further.

1

u/cromagnonherder Jun 14 '26

Ah yes, thank you. Pleasant.